In the spirit and jest of the season, it’s time to play The Jesus Conspiracy!
It’s all a bit of fun and merriment, perhaps even blasphemous. If you take offense to what I’ve written which runs along the same vein as Bert Is Evil, remember this disclaimer you prude :-P!
Along the same vein as Bert is Evil, a friend and I had come up with various conspiracy theories suggesting that Jesus was not all that he claimed to be. Hell, we had to do something to counter the Religious Ed. brainwashing all throughout highschool. So, here are our theories and evidence:
Jesus was not actually the son of God, he was a time traveller. He was a doctor or mad scientist who preformed ‘miricles’ now called medicinal healing. He travelled back in time and cured people from what ailed them. Eg. The Blind Man who could now see. He was not actually blind, but merely suffered from a cataract and Jesus was a Fred Hollows(fameous for removing cataracts from people in third world countries) of the time and removed it. Hence Blind Man could see once again.
The bible was made up by a man or many men. Supporting argument: the bible is very patriachal- The dominant figures are all male, eg the Trinity of: God, The holy spirit and Jesus. Other key figures are Moses, Abraham, The twelve Disciples. All the females were either whores or mothers.
Mary did not have an immaculate conception. She was not a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus. She either had sex with Joseph or some other sheep hearder/carpenter. She made up the whole ‘immaculate conception’ thing out of fear of being tarred and feathered by the masses for having sex out of wedlock.
Jesus did not rise from the dead. He was hung on the cross but lost consciousness because the way he was positioned caused inability to breathe. The masses took him down and put him in the cave. Three days later he woke up from his coma and walked out of there himself.
There is always a logical explanation for everything. If you can think of anything more to add to The Jesus Conspiracy by all means, add!
Finally, Merry Christmas!
22 comments ↓
The ultimate consiracy
The roman empire made the entire bible all of its contents and its supposed history all of it is a sham by the roman empire.
Heres the proof :note I’m not a historian and this is all psuedo theoretical, so don’t quote me
First off almost all of the ancient world history comes from the roman empire, to this day we have no records of the true druids written by druids, only the vile and contempteuos (my spelling sucks to) words written by roman historians in fact much of it is this way for instance the hanging gardens of babylon. The story of christ takes place under the rule of the roman empire. The roman chatholic church, need I say more. The inqusition.
But back to basics, why is it that all history is based on roman books? Well perhaps the romans were better empire builders than even we realize, for example when rome went to egypt they seemingly inadvertantly burned the greatest library in the world, the library of alexandria. Perhaps the only other culture at the time that could record written word. You do the math, after all rome was out to conquer everything it saw. So with no one to oppose them and no written history to compare to they were free to do the one thing we make science fiction about. Travel back in time and change history, well ok maybe just go across town and erase the black board, but the end result is the same.
Thus it brings me to my next conclusion. Perhaps the roman emporers realized that they would one day die and that like the egyptians the only thing that would live on would be gods that they create and buildings which house them. Thus christ, and why have him killed by the roman empire, well its just convienent, if they kill him they can make up any lie they like, it serves the same purpose.
Ever realize just how far the churches power truly extends and how well protected it is.
Polotics 101 the people can be your greatest enemy or your greatest weapon. If you take someone and tell the public he is a bad person, he did this. You can then do whatever you want with him and not worry about the consequences(insert various instances of witchtrials and modern scandal making). And who would dare to mess with an organization that has the authority of god and “isn’t violent or interested in polotics just the saving of sould”. Now for the grand finally,
The chatholic church exists in almost if not every country in the world. Ever wonder why the Whitehouse and most of our government buildings use roman architecture? And of course I believe history holds true on this too, the mafia was created by the church. What better way to make more money and more power and subvert and control an entire planet than by using something which go anyplace it likes and not have to worry about red tape.
Ok I’m off my rocker but for what its worth.
not that i am an atheist or anything its just dat this “jesus thing”, i mean pertaining to the celebration of CHRISTMASi is not quite cut out for me.
Mary and Joseph were doing a little heavy petting and managed to get his sperm up into her vagina, therefor causing the conception, and explaining how she was a virgin mother.
And yes, that is actualy possible.
~n~
you’re definitly not off your rocker! Not according to me anyway. Your thoughts are definitly justifiable and could quite possibly be true.
From what I’ve noticed, The Church of Scientology are the biggest conspirators in this modern age.
I agree that the theories of the Christian religion are for the most part REDICULOUS. As with all religion,Christianity is based upon idle fear as opposed to faith.However,”SCIENTOLOGY”,by definition,is a study (or way) of disproving religious theories by replacing them with scientific (almost) facts. In the future, see that you do not confuse the two. Understanding your option can make your choices clear as you sleep…………….. “FA”
ok sorry I’m confused, how did scientology get into any of this. I read that book once, well part of it anyways. and it skared me worse than anything else i’ve ever read. Even worse than quantum theory and yikes man all that “we are all one stuff” is true but if you read quantum theory its not only true and even plausable but skarey really skarey. Still no where near as skarey as scientology is.
I’M HERE!
Jesus, son of GOD.
I KNEW it !
; )
then I geuss i’m the virgin mary….
~n~
read “live from golgotha” by gore vidal. best religious satire i’ve ever read-trust me, you’ll adore it.
Then that must make me Caine lmao
We have always wondered and thought these theories ourselves……
And that must make me the burning bush.
hey I thought we were talking about religion and conspiracy theory not your pants being on fire? LOL j/k
Sorry couldn’t resist hope you don’t think less of me
lol
Yes, Little One, the history of religion is fraught with lies and hyperboles. If you deal with the starting point that people do not change, that the only thing that changes on this planet is technology, and the spirit of men in general is to use it to the worst advantage to be top dog, then the truth of any story of the past can be seen in the present.
My example is this: that when I was a child, I learned that my cherished Dad was not in fact my biological father, and long before I was able to worm the truth out of my mother about my real origins, she insisted that she did not know how she got pregnant. For years I wondered, and by the twisting of one Catholic tale and another and by the timing of the two centuries, and all that lovely stuff they tried shoving down our throats as kids, I was convinced that I was going to one day realize that I was the Second Coming. Finally my mother admitted the truth, and I was almost relieved (and a little disappointed, I was looking forward to saving the world from its damnation) to find it out.
But consider this, that had I not been persistent to know more and more about my birth, especially if it had been so miraculous as to be of a Christly nature, I might have grown up still believing it and who knows where I or even the world would be today.
Sometimes such a little thing can change the course of history, and all based on a little lie born out of shame. So, yes, the theory that Mary was a virgin being a lie to hide the shameful truth is a very valid one, and if that theory holds water, then the rest of the Bible goes very easily down like dominoes.
“Jesus was not actually the son of God, he was a time traveller. He was a doctor or mad scientist who preformed ‘miricles’ now called medicinal healing. He travelled back in time and cured people from what ailed them. Eg. The Blind Man who could now see. He was not actually blind, but merely suffered from a cataract and Jesus was a Fred Hollows(fameous for removing cataracts from people in third world countries) of the time and removed it. Hence Blind Man could see once again.”
Okay,that one’s new to me.It’s ridiculous,preposterous,won’t stand up under any decent conspiriologist’s paranoid eye,but you know what..? Who cares. It’s a slam-packed Sci-Fi thrill ride,and I love it.
Four Golgothas.
“The bible was made up by a man or many men. Supporting argument: the bible is very patriachal- The dominant figures are all male, eg the Trinity of: God, The holy spirit and Jesus. Other key figures are Moses, Abraham, The twelve Disciples. All the females were either whores or mothers.”
Okay,I’ve heard that one before..usualy from arch-femicrats or wiccans.Still,it’s a classic,we’ll give it
Two Golgothas.
“Mary did not have an immaculate conception. She was not a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus. She either had sex with Joseph or some other sheep hearder/carpenter. She made up the whole ‘immaculate conception’ thing out of fear of being tarred and feathered by the masses for having sex out of wedlock.”
Standard atheist line since atheism first reared it’s rather dull and boring head.
One Golgotha
“Jesus did not rise from the dead. He was hung on the cross but lost consciousness because the way he was positioned caused inability to breathe. The masses took him down and put him in the cave. Three days later he woke up from his coma and walked out of there himself.”
You might want to do some research on these words…
sangreal , merovingian , Berenger Sauniere (a french priest, around 1891) Rennes-le-Chateau (his parish) , the Prieure de Sion , The Knights Templar, and etc.
Basically, there’s a long-standing tradition that Christ (aka Yeshua ben Yousef) lived,impregnated Mary Magdalen, and his descendants were brought to (what would eventually become) France sometime in the late 3-500’s.
This one’s a timeless classic. It’s got intrigue,suspense,and historical documents written in an ancient secret code.
Five Golgothas, hands down.
Last but not least..
Theory thatRome just “made it all up” so they could secretly control the world through the catholic church..
Well,honestly,it has the kind of memetic structure that will go over great with all of the conspiracy theorists under 20 who don’t really believe in doing “research”,and it sounds spooky enough that it’s almost believable. Unfortunately, it doesn’treally have any long-lasting value as it won’t hold up under ten minutes of scrutiny from a trained investigator.So,I’m going to have to give it
One and a half Golgothas.
Lastly,my personal theory:
Rabbe Yeshua Ben Youssef was a simple peasant’s rabbi of the Naaserene sect (Or Ophites) who brought certain slightly heretical Gnostic ideas and some fairly egalitarian reforms to the Hebraic/Jewish faith. He and his twelve disciples traveled the world of his time,spreading the ideas of his reformed faith and trying to encourage people to just basically treat each other nicely. Of course,he is condemned and executed bythe largest group of Hebraics at the time,using the machinery of the Roman courts,who basically were a giant bureaucracy at that time.
50 years or so down the line,enter Paul-who-was-Saul of Tarsus. That bastard. He “discovered” a small sect that was trying to live according to Rabbe Yeshua’s teachings,and he decided to bring this little sect into the big-time. So,he basically creates the “myth” “Jesus the Christ’s” death-and-ressurection to make the story more popular to the suffering masses. He eventually becomes head of the “Christian” church,which,quite frankly,had VERY little to do with Rabbe Yeshua’s teachings (Try comparing the testaments to the letters from paul in the bible some time. You’d be surprised.)and,eventually,due to a freak burst in the cloud cover over Constatine’s army one day (no,really.) the Emperor of Rome becomes a Christian. Once the Empire finds out that you can not only crush and subjugate the masses,but with the added extra ingredient of Christianity ™ you can actually make them LIKE being crushed and subjugated…well,there you go. Bring on the Dark Ages,baby!
That being MY pet theory about “Jesus the Christ of Nazareth”.
(Here’s a kicker..in the first century B.C….there WAS no town named “Nazareth” inthe holy lands. Some new scholars have gone so far as to say that even Yeshua ben Youseff never existed,that the apostles made him up. But I hope not. He was a good man,and I’m rather fond of him.)
Ok will people stop emailing me wanting to know more about this stupid conspiracy theory. It was a friggin joke, just something to waste time with. I thought it was funny personally, SO PLEASE STOP EMAILING ME WITH QUESTIONS.
me either LS, it was meant as a bit of fun that’s why I included a disclaimer…I haven’t had any e-mails so maybe that’s it! You should have included a disclaimer!
went to a party and got really drunk, passed out, and was raped in her sleep?
immaculate conception my eye!!
-jake
There is a God that all will face. Let me know if your twisted look on faith excuses you from this unjust God.
amen brother and praise the lord my brother
That’s very likely