I am sitting here, feeling void of everything I have ever longed for.
Loneliness is something that is slowly consuming me.
I surround myself with people always, and yet they are distant. Like statues or paintings in a museum. ” Do Not Touch” Signs all over them.
I feel cold and dead, alone is a vast darkness. A room, with no light, no way in or out.
I know it wasn’t always like this. Years ago i felt the warm touch of love. So much has changed since then. Blindness and innocence faded away quickly as I grew older.
I can’t remember how it ended, I can still taste the pin though.
I have tried over the years to fill these voids, i have professed love when there was none. I have submerged myself into my talents and hobbies when i grew tired of them after a short time.
And after so many years had past since that day when he left, after so many times of trying to get over the pain and then finally giving into it, I see him. Out of the blue his angelic face emerges from the darkness.
I wanted so badly to tell him I still loved him with all my heart, that I have never been able to love anyone else in seven long lonely years.
I wanted to tell him of my Angel, my savior, who tried so hard, so despretly to pull me from the depths of my pain.
I wanted to tell him I have clung onto an dream for all this time.
I wanted to tell him so much, what has happened over time, about sitting in a hospital room and watching the only man i have ever known as a father die.
so I will wait here in My Room, and continue to taste the pain i myself have created.
Taste My Pain
January 24th, 2001 | darkness
5 comments ↓
I longed for someone long after the relationship was over, sent a birthday card every eyar with none for me and no response. The words were kind when we ran into each other, but th feeling was holoow and empty, and it made me see that what i had suspected when we together was actually true, that there was nothing there bu the (on his part) self-serving wish to be loved and admired, and I was just the tool to fulfill that. This is the first time I am actually putting this into these words, thinking of the sitution in this exact light, but I see it is true. But about two or three years ago, I stopped sending the cards, stopped trying t make contact, stopped holding my heart out on a lance because he wasn’t taking it. Eventually you wake up and see the truth, and by that time, since it has been sneaking up on you, it is really not that hard to let it go finally. But don’t keep torturing yourself with the thought that you made this pain, at least not consciously, it is just one of life’s tortures, and it will heal.
All I can suggest is to be truthful to yourself and those around you and things will start to change in your life to the better side. You won’t get him back but you may even find someone better…
Tris
i’ve often felt the same way.
life seems to much to bear sometimes.
since the death of my girlfriend, you may have read my article..things just seem to go by without notice.
keep you head up.
-martyr
Hmmm. I’m inpressed.
impressed? how?
if you don’t mind me asking?
things will get better,they will get a little worse but they will get better.
trust me.
i’ve been through it all, and now i’m about to go through something totally new.
Deployment..thats the army for ya.
i leave in 13 hours.
martyr