Could it be?

You know, I have no idea what I am going to write about at this point. I just thought I would start typing and see what dribbles out of my wasted mynde.Where to begin? I guess I could say that right now I am going slightly off my cracker… Took a few pills of someone else’s anti-depressants, and boy, do I feel out of sync… Tumbled, jumbled thoughts ever flowing, never ceasing, one thought slamming into the next like a series of dominos just ready to be breathed on to fall.

Wow, now there’s a mental image, could you imagine looking at your mind like that? A series of dominos just ready to fall? What would that say about your mental state? Hmm, I guess it would say, “Hey, it looks like this person is about to have his cheese slip off of his cracker.” Do I feel that way right now? I guess in a way I do. There has been so much that has happened of late to me that makes me question my sanity. Have you ever questioned your sanity? I do it on a daily basis, most of my writing revolves around it. Sometimes I think I am, but I wonder : Do the insane know that they are that way? Are they aware of their surroundings? Do they care about whatever is going on around them? I think I may have symptoms of insanity, but when it boils down to it, I guess I would have to say I am in complete control of who I am, and what I am doing. Mynde you, I have done some things in the past that have made me ask “Why in the hell did you do that for? Were you insane? Must have been in order to make that girl want to kill herself.” Yes, I admit it, I treated her so badly in the last month of our relationship that she wanted to kill herself. If there was a wrong thing to do, I did it. If there was a wrong thing to say, I would say it. I treated her like shit. I am not ashamed of this, oh no, what I am ashamed of is that I enjoyed it. I did rotten things to her, I used her. I NEVER hit her though, I could never do that to anyone. I can’t bring myself to abuse another physically (well, unless they are into that sort of thing, but then they have to be willing to hit me back). But I wonder which is worse : physical abuse, or mental? I have spent some time wondering this point, and I think mental is worse. Would you agree? If you stopped to think about it long enough, I am sure you can see my point. Neither is excusable though, and I wish I could take that time back to do again, I would not do it to her. Geez, I didn’t really expect that to come out. I don’t know why I thought about that, its been months since I thought about her… The last time I saw her, she was doing good, apparently she’s getting married this year. I’m happy for her. I hope things go better for her than they were.I guess this is the point where I confess that I hate my talents of writing and drawing. Every time I write something, or draw something, I always get the same old comments “Wow, that’s cool” or “I wish I could do that” or even “You have lots of talent, have you ever thought of publishing?” Gods, if you people did it for as long as I have you would be as equal to me or surpassing me in skill. Try drawing for thirteen years and see what kind of “talent” you have. My poetry and stories are touching to those who read them because I don’t write “about” an emotion, I write the emotion onto paper. “I couldn’t do that” BULLSHIT, you just haven’t felt it at its truest form… though I think I haven’t either, not love anyway… Everytime I have felt love, it has only lead to pain.Apparently, according to a friend of mine, the reason I haven’t been able to find love is because I do not love myself. I hated her for telling me that. That comment made my world crumble, I was lost in a sea of chaos. After a while though I dragged myself out of it, though the feeling is still with me. I hated the comment because its true. I do not love myself. I hate the things about me that set me apart from society. I want to be one of those followers, I want to be a sheep. I don’t like that I know I could have been more had I just had the motivation. My intelligence is going to waste and I am letting it.What would you say my education is by reading this? College? University? Second year? First? Third?Would you beleive I am still in high school? That I failed grade 10 english three times? I have the will and the want to become something better than I am right now, its just I lack the motivation. I know, “You are pathetic” but hey, I have this to say, “Hey, nobody’s perfect”I suppose I have adults to blame for this (I know that blame serves no purpose other than to shift the responsibility away from one’s self) for are they not always telling us young people, “Slow down, you have the rest of your life.”? I guess its something I have lived by for too long. So here I am writing this when I could have been doing homework to help get myself out of high school…To all who would read this I have this to say, “Take er sleazy”