i’ve been reading all the pieces on this site about “self mutilation”, and most of them (infact all of them i think) involve people who cut themselves. i don’t cut myself, but i do make myself feel pain. i’m writing this to get a reply from people, i want to know if anyone else does the same kind of thing.
i’m not sure if i’m going to put this right, so bare with me.i don’t cut myself, but i get the whole “empty” feeling, it makes me feel holllow and alone, to the point i want to scream, it actually frightens me. cutting myself doesn’t help this, i tried getting multipul piercings but that was only temporary releif from what i was feeling almost all the time.i finally sort of found a type of pain that made the feelings stay away longer.i make sure i’m always in some sort of physical relationship with a guy, whether he’s my boyfriend or a friend who i can relate to physically, and i encourage the guy to grab, bite or scratch me it’s not really s’n'm i don’t think, but what ever they do, it leaves bruises. And it’s the bruises that i enjoy. it’s like the pain trancends me, and the bruises stay for days, it’s a constant feeling of pain to take my mind off other things - my life, my problems, my feelings of anything.this came with a side effect though. because i have to have someone else do it to me, i’m always in a physical relationship with a guy. and though the pain erasses alot of feeling, i’m always left with the feeling of being used, or being cheapened because i need to do this. it goes maybe a little deeper than that, but i think thats as well as i can explain it.i want to know if any one else does this, or something like this. If any one else understands, and perhaps even think of a way to fix me. i don’t like having to do this, but i can’t stop.so yea, please reply, i want to know if i’m alone on this
4 comments ↓
I cut, but i don’t do that. It’s the same thing though, really, except that it involves another individual. My question is, do they know why you encourage them to inflict pain on you, or not? Maybe if they knew why you wanted it, they might still inflict it, but you wouldn’t have the feeling you were being used. I’m not sure, but it’s something to think about.
Although my primary resort to my lack of feelings is to cut myself i can relate to the fact that bruises and aches can take your mind away from things. That and it’s a lot easier for most people to have someone else inflict bruises than to do so themselves. **hugs** I wish I could help you, but i don’t know how.
well.. i know how it is to try and inflict pain upon yurself to try adn make other pain you are feelign go away.. cause i have done it and do..and for awhile it helps..and then i wwant to continue cause it is never enough.. i always want more and pain… seems as though it is never enough till the point i will leave tremondous scars all over .. adn i still crave more.. adn i get the empty feeling inside.. adn feel as though the ther problems adn pain i feel will never go away… so.. i cut some more.. till the point where i am in tears adn can not bear to think about much else.. it will take it away for awhile… but still… i’ve come to the conclusion that it is just adding another problem upon all the other burdens that i now have.so..i will try and vent out this pain.. by writing……or even talking.. but that usually dont help..and then i think….that maybe i am the only one that feels this way.. but i now know i am not… and it seems as i am sooo fuckin lost.. but….i guessim just sayin i now how some of what yoyu are saying feels… and my only solution.. is that.. it isnt healthy and can’t be… cause its tooo fuckin destructive… and you should think sbout trying to talk to someone that you really can trust…and are close to bout this… and i’m not trying to fuct up here .. either..
i tried something like that…when i would get pissed or really depressed i would punch my self as hard as i can..i also cut my self..but i like the punching better..and leave’n and bruise like u said…i cant explain it…but its better then cutting..it dont leave scars and slashes on ur arm…but bruses u can always make lies up for…”i pumped into sumthing”