what do they really want?

Ah, the holidays. Whether the celebration is for a birthday, a religious holiday or an anniversary, the main focal point always seems to be on gifts – who wants what, who bought what, how much to spend – these are all issues of primary concern.

So what does everyone really want? Well, if you ask good old Grandpa Hank and Grandma Maxine, they might say something like, “A new electric drill would be just dandy,” or “I really do need a new blender.” Or they might even tell you they want nothing at all. But you might be surprised to find out what they’re really thinking. Remember last year, when you couldn’t think of a suitable gift so you just gave them money instead? They told you they’d use it to put an antique Oriental rug in the living room – but last time you went for a visit, it looked like the same old orange shag carpet from when they bought the house back in ’75. The truth is, dear Grandma Maxine used the money to pay for Hank’s Viagra prescription and to buy a vaginal lubricant for herself. You know how it goes – the older we are, the dryer it gets down there!

Then there’s Uncle Eddie and Aunt Edna. They’ve always seemed a little strange; wouldn’t it be interesting to know what they’ve been spending their money on? If only you knew about Eddie’s collection of chainsaws (along with a face shield, of course – you don’t want dismembered animal parts squirting bodily fluids into your eyes). Maybe that explains why all those dogs went missing a couple weeks ago. Come to think of it, that was right before Uncle Eddie and Aunt Edna hosted the family’s 4th of July barbecue. Wow, they must really take the whole “hot dogs on the BB” thing literally! (You always thought Eddie’s homemade sausages tasted a little funny…)

And last but not least, the kids! Everyone knows that young kids don’t lie about important things like presents – ask them what they want for Christmas and they’ll tell you exactly what they’re daydreaming of. In fact, they’ll probably hand you a copy of the wish list (which, by the way, is 50 pages long) that they typed out on the family’s PC five months before the holiday season (just so everyone will have enough time to shop!).

But then there are the older kids. The whole family wants to know what those darling twins Christopher and Catherine want for their upcoming birthday (they’ll be turning 16, you know!). Ah, the sweet, innocent debutante Catherine – maybe she would like a new hand knit sweater from Grandma? Little does poor Grandma know Catherine’s thinking, “Fuck all of you idiots! What I really want is a prescription for the pill, a nice bong (my homemade one just isn’t very aesthetically pleasing), some more of those bad ass multicoloured rolling papers, and of course, five pounds of only the best Indica/Sativa blend of the herb itself!” Wouldn’t Grandma be appalled!?

But what about her brother Christopher? The dear young lad… he doesn’t talk much and has a strange habit of rolling his eyes a lot, but maybe we could all pool our money together and buy him a set of encyclopaedias for his schoolwork? Well, if we could hear his thoughts about what he wants they would probably go something like this. “Uh, everything Catherine said – minus the pills and plus a lifetime supply of condoms (exxxtra-sensitive!). Oh, yeah, and a VW Van (a great choice if you plan on hot boxing with mass people) complete with a custom made bed installed in the back. And you can’t forget the shrooms, dude!” Apparently deception is a genetic trait.

Well, it’s certainly a good thing our relatives can’t read our thoughts. There are some facts about our family that are just better left unknown. Just remember to pass on the hot dogs next time you barbecue at Uncle Eddie’s.