complications

Complicated, things are always so complicated. We search our souls for the answers to our questions. The questions that haunt us and drive us mad. But we think this torment only belongs to ourselves; that no one else carries such a burden.

We are not willing to take the risk of sharing our deepest
pleasures and agonies. Therefore, we do not make true connections.
I walked
to her house feeling bottomless. So much has changed within me
since we last spoke a few weeks ago. (We had to take a break because she
needed to concentrate on school.) The truth is, I’m scared because I don’t
know how I’m going to be around her. I have always admired her
spirituality, but never really much had any of my own.
You see I had a
dream two weeks ago that woke me the hell up. It guided me
to a place within myself that I was hiding from. I found peace in the
darkness of my pain. I know, I know: You think I should heal myself and
fill myself with the light of the Divine. But what you need to realize is
that the divine is bright and dark; that Darkness is not to be feared, but
embraced.
I have kept to myself since then, exploring the darkness within.
It is the
most beautiful thing I remember experiencing. I spend hours indulging in
the quite darkness of the greatest pain I remember. Connecting to my Self
in a way no one ever dreamed of. She nestles me in her arms and hums the
saddest songs to me.
I cry for hours and hours; it feels like I’ve run
for an hour. But don’t
evaluate this with previous knowledge. Don’t think you understand, because
you don’t. I don’t cry because of the emotion the memories call forth. No,
I cry for reasons I can’t put into words.
I wish I knew how I’m going
to react when I see her. It’s been so long
since we’ve seen each other. I haven’t decided if I’m going to try to
explain this to her.
As I approach her door, I take a deep breath and
knock on the door. It
opens slowly, then she steps from behind it.
“Niksa!” She flings her arms around me and pulls me to her. I immediately
remember that I missed her more than I dreaded seeing her. I curl my arms
around her and squeeze her to me. I want to die right now and not have to
figure out how I’m going to tell her what is running through my head. She
smells beautiful like my favorite waterfall. I feel her melting into me
and
for a moment think we are becoming one person. Then realize she’s still
in
my arms, loving me.
We sit on the park bench in her backyard. I say sit
because we don’t talk
much. She can tell I’m racing around in my head, so I lay my head in her
lap and quietly think as she strokes my hair. I feel my worries draining
away as we watch the wind rustle the leaves of her willow tree. I tell her
I have done some introspection while we were on break. I say that I have
found my darkness and have been worried about what she would think if I
were to tell her what is making me crazy. She tells me that she is saddened
that I fear she’d reject me. That she knows I am beautiful inside. It is
then that I realize I am going tell her everything.
She cries when I tell her. She says it is the most beautiful thing she
remembers ever hearing. I kiss her several times making sure she was real;
sometimes I think she’s a figment of my imagination. She tells me she has
realized that her connection with the divine is more than she originally
thought it was. That she realizes now that everyone has a connection with
the divine and that she sees the divine in me like she hadn’t before.

I hold her in my arms and cry into her hair. Though I can’t put into words
why.