The One I Love

A couple months back, my boyfriend showed me something on his arm. He’d carved “BLEED” into his arm. He’d told me before - and has told me since - that he cuts from time to time. I’ve always imagined he’d somehow let it get out of hand, and how I’d react to that.

For awhile I’ve had this re-curring daydream. Lately I’ve been trying to right down my daydreams, because no matter how hard I try, I can’t concentrate on something I want to write, but I can sure as hell daydream. So here goes. It didn’t turn out as well as I wanted it to, but whatever.

“Shut UP, Drusus!” His voice has gotten deeper since I met him. When he shouts to his brother, it’s amplified. This doesn’t faze me until later, though. Right now I’m only focused on the knife in his right hand, the blood trickling down his left arm. What a scene I’ve walked into.
Drusus screams something back at him. Something insulting him, calling him a child. I pay no attention. Ennius’ father is also screaming at him. ‘Now what the fuck do they think caused this in the first place?’ His mother is standing aside, tears streaming steadily from her eyes. What’s happened to her family? I’m sure she’s asking herself this.
I push my way through the father and brother to the guy I love. Ennius looks at me, and it shreds every bit of my fourteen-year-old heart to see the saddest face I’ve ever seen right there…on the one I love.
“Ennius?” I say. I lightly touch my hand to his cheek and run my other through his hair. The knife is in his arm, through his skin. It has been since I walked in. I kiss him softly on the cheek. “Please…”
“What?” he says. His tone lacks compassion. I realize this is a tone I’ve never heard him actually use before, but I’ve imagined him using it. Times when he has been angry with me, but I was not with him to hear him speak. “Give you the knife? What will that solve? They’ll still yell at me.” He speaks softly enough that his tone is clear but to only me.
“Be that as it may, this really isn’t helping anything.” I try to smile after my words, but how can I? In a situation like this.
A single tear falls down his cheek, and I wipe it away with my thumb. I know this boy. He’s not really suicidal. He has everything in the world he could want. But every now and then, things get to be too much for him, and things like this come through. I don’t think it’s ever been this serious before. His dad has never been involved with the aftermath; he’s only ever been the problem. Same with his brother, but it’s a bigger deal that his dad is involved this time.
I kiss his cheek repeatedly. Run my hand softly through his hair, down his face, neck, arm. He slowly begins to relax and give me the knife. Eventually I get it from him. Now the next step. I take the knife with me and leave the room. Down the hall to the bathroom. Grab a washcloth. Warm water. Back to the room. Nothing’s changed. A bit more shouting has been exchanged. More tears shed. More blood runs down his arm as the seconds wear on.
“Get out,” I say.
“What? This is my house,” his father replies.
“I’m fully aware, but things don’t seem to be going well between you and Ennius. How about you give him some time to collect his thoughts? You can do the same.” I can tell the idea seems absurd to him. Collect his thoughts? What the fuck? Every problem needs to be solved on impulse! “Get out,” I say again. He leaves. I look to Drusus. He glares back at me, but follows. A small whimper from the mother as she leaves too. I close the door.
“Oh, babe…Why? Why…?” I hurry to his side, put my arms around him. He rests against me and lets himself relax. The wound needs to be cleaned, so I clean the blood from his arm and discover he (fortunately) didn’t cut that deep. I keep kissing him and kissing him. “I love you so much,” I say.
He mutters something that resembles, “I love you too.”
Lie down on his bed. He’s next to me, in my arms. I’m pressing the washcloth into his wound, to stop the bleeding. It’s slowing. He looks up at me with such sad eyes.
“Shh…go to sleep, love.”
He quickly slips away to some dream world.

Drusus and his mother soon re-enter. They both look sad.
I just look at them, as if to say, “Yes? What do you want?”
“How is he?” the mother asks.
“Sleeping.”
“Well, yes, I can see that. I mean…have you talked to him?”
“You mean you don’t see the problem? You three are driving him nuts! Specifically the father,” I respond. She looks hurt. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so harsh. Ennius is generally a very happy person, if you haven’t noticed. He just gets down every now and then and he needs someone to pull him up. I guess it was worse this time than usual. He’ll be fine. He didn’t cut too deep. It should heal quickly, and he’ll be just fine.”
I can tell she’s still sad, but she leads Drusus out of the room. I rest my head next to his and let myself fall asleep.

When I wake, Ennius is leaning over me. Smiling. What a wonderful sight. I couldn’t hold back my smile if I wanted to.
“Hi, love,” I say with joy.
“Mornin’, baby,” he says with love and compassion. “Sleep well?”
“Yeah…what about you?”
“Yep.”
“What time is it?”
“About ten. My mom wants to take you home now. Apparently your parents called, asking where you were.”
“Bah. I don’t want to leave here! I’m happy and comfortable.”
“I know. Rest. Just lie here until they come in and make you leave.”
“Good idea. I love you.”
“I love you too. You have no idea. And…thanks. For this evening.”
“Of course! That’s why I’m you’re girlfriend. I care about you, I want you to be happy, and I’m here for you if you ever need me.”
“Right back at ya.” He flashes me his beautiful smile again. He lies down next to me again, but this time I’m in his arms. We just lie next to each other, completely relaxed, not a care in the world.