So, first weekend after christmas, and what happens? I’m dragged halfway across the country to visit the relatives.
This year my parents decided to kill two birds with one stone and do both sets of grandparents in one weekend, by staying the night at one set then movign teh next morning to the other.
In turn this means sharing a room with both my sister and brother….
So, all goes as usual, i sit in a corner with my artbook and notebook ignoring the comments my mother ignorantly makes about my life untill eventually we all get to go to bed. I would have thought this to be a great release, but alas, my torment had just begun.
Eleven o’clock and we all trek upstairs, i spend five minutes argueing with my (younger) brother over whether the light should be left on. Eventually i win and it goes off.
I’m just drifting off to sleep when suddenly i hear in a whisper only marginally louder than a concorde in flight:
“Katie!” [names changed]
“what?”
“I Need The Toilet!”
Great. So on goes the light and out goes my brother who spends enough time in there to enable me to finish my book, ponder the meaning of life and come up with five various scientific, mathematical, theological and philosophical breakthroughs. including the invention of a formula that allows one to calculate the number of hairs on their head from the length of their toes and the size of their kneecaps.
Back comes my brother, another five minute arguement over the light which i win again.
ten minutes pass and i work at getting back to sleep, i almost succeed at this untill i am once again disturbed by a:
“Katie!”
“what?”
“I’ve forgotten to clean my teeth!”
Aw sod it. Once again, on goes the light and out goes my brother. He comes back a split second later looking as thoughhe had just seen an axe murderer over the dead bodies of all the family. It would have been good if he had. But as it was, the light in the bathroom had been switched off.
I was expecting another long haul but the words ‘clean’ mean nothing to my brother and so it took a couple of seconds before he comes running back in to inform me that he left all the lights on for me to turn off.
Why thankyou. So kind.
Eleven fifty and once more i am just drifting to sleep, and once more i hear a whisper that would have carried from here to switzerland of:
“Katie!”
“what?”
“The curtains are scaring me!”
Oh jesus christ.
On goes the light, up i get and spend fifteen minutes trying to hang a blanket over the curtains (mine, i might add). Though i must admit, they were pretty scary. After which i turn out the light to go to sleep. It goes back on a second later at my brother’s cries of
‘I’m not ready! Turn it on!”
I then have to wait while he arranges himself nicely in his bed, taking time to shake out his duvet, fluff his pillows and create a little ‘cave’ for his teddy.
The rest of the night goes roughly as follwed:
12:10 - am woken up by brothers cd player switching on
12:13 - am woken up by brothers cd player again as my brother decides to listen to it. Eventually get him to turn it off by dangling teddy out the window
12:40 - woken up by my brohter telling teddy a bedtime story
12:45 - kept awake by the sobbing of brother following my further threats against teddy should he fail to shut up
12:46 - parents walk in wnating to know whats wrong, i accept all the blame, anything to be able to go to sleep. I offer (read here: plead) to go and sleep in the lounge.
12:49 - kept awake further by brothers questions of ‘dont you want to share a room with me?..[no].. but it’s fun!..[go to sleep]… its the one time i dont have to!…[yes, you do. you really do.]…awwe, do i haev to?…[does teddy want to have some flying lessons?]…. *silence* thank gods.
1:30 - brother begins to snore
1:30:01 - snores make a crecendo to a triple forte
1:30:03 - harmonies are added to snores (whistling)
1:35 - can no longer stand snores however musical, roll brother over. snores stop.
1:37 - blanket falls down. brother wakes up. so do i, and it’s up to me to hang up the blanket again.
2:15 - snores begin once more
2:15 till 2:45 - snores continue. loud and consistant, defying any attempt at sleep.
2:45 - kick brother, snores make a dramatic climax and then dwindle into a continual heavy breathing.
I managed to snatch some sleep.
4:30 - woken up by more snores, accompanied by a full orchestration of whistles, bretahs, grunts, gurgles and snorts.
My mind wonders to the pagan veiw of a night of eternal darkness that occurs before enlighenment. This must have been what they were talking about.
5:28 - brother wakes up. Consequently so do i (”katie! it’s morning!…”)
5:28:01 - light goes on
5:28:02 - light goes off
5:28:03 - light goes on
5:28:04 - light goes off
this is repeating several times, followed by:
6:00 - brother gets out lego toys and proceeds to make star wars ships fly around my head with aeroplane noises.
6:05 - star wars lego ship is broken, chaos ensues as a bit falls out the window into the guttering.
I would’ve been quite content to let it stay there but pity tore me out of my bed to go fishing in the gutters, risking my neck and my next six months allowance by half dangling out of the window.
6:30 - brother falls alseep again, bless him
8:00 - brother wakes up, hits head against the wall and starts to cry crocodile tears in the hope of attention. it probably hurt, but seeing as i have been hitting my head nearly every other morning for god knows how long i have as much sympathy as a fish does a worm.
9:30 - the whole family packs into the car, no one dares speak to each other for at least an hour, and strangely enough Im the only one not feeling more violent than a hungry piranha fish.
my sister, however, fell asleep before her head hit the pillow.