Entries from April 2003 ↓

Rain?
Rain.
‘Go away’?
Never come,
Or always stay.
Up and down,
Round and round,
Never ceasing?
How profound.
Abstruse…
Acute…
It’s killing me.
Take me under,
Or let me be.
Infatuation?
Lies all lies…
How I miss,
Fingers in pies.
Hardened and wizened…
So young, so pure,
Depression?
Compression.
Wash me to shore…
The ups the downs,
Shrouded in cloud.
I need you.
And certainty…
Dis-
Allowed.

*Inteperate that as you will…*
~Lady~

I woke up one not so special morning, the sunlights rays beaming through the curtains burned my eyes, and i felt like a new person.Some might find that not so strange as people change everyday of the year, some for the better, and some for the worse. But no, this wasnt like any of those normal changes, this was the change that for all of eternity i would face.But, what was this change?

I got up, and went to gaze into my mirror, my eyes so placid, and my skin complexion so much paler than usual. I had felt dead.And oh, how the pain in my neck wouldnt go away. The feeling of no blood circulating my system scared me. What had happened to me? was the question i had kept questioning myself. Had it all been a dream, these emotions that i was feeling? But, no it couldnt have been a dream, it was too surreal to be a dream. The sun, so bright as i gazed into it, was making my eyes squint, i begun to feel even more dreary. And for some bizzarre reason i felt myself falling asleep, falling into a long, deep, and enchanting sleep…..

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Breathe in
Smell the flowers
Breathe out
And there’s hurt for hours. Continue reading →

Rotting corpses haunt my deepest precipice.
My useless soul flakes itself away.
Blood-stained handprints paint the graveyard walls.
Cries of the unwanted children fill my dreams.
Pain is the intimate aspect of pleasure.
The mysteries of life will be explained through death.
Unfathomable horrors wait at the right hand of the Prince of Darkness.
Religious eyes blinded by confusion.
Internal realms reached only through sacrifice.
Memories shattered by the stones of time.
Fly to the sun; burn your existance to dust and ash.
Embrace the beautiful fury of the night.
Emotions seep from the cracks of the fabric of life.
Draw immortal strength from the Dark Creator.
Abandon the myths of unconditional love.
And with our darkest encounter, the fears of all captives are realized.
There is only darkness ahead, nothing more.
Through these veins flow the poison of the bitter irony of our tragic lives.
From the depths of the abyss come the products of hell.
Devour the parasites that infest the mind.
Inside these cryptic walls, I break.
Suffocation under pressure.

The numbers grow.
First there where 3,
now there are 5.
Tomarrow there will be 8.

Each day I wish to stop,
but things get worse and worse.
with no one to tell your problems to
I mus rely on other resources.

1,2,3,4,5 slits across my left wrist.
Why doesn’t she love me…
6,7,8…
I can’t take it any more…
9,10,11…
some boby please save me from my-self…
12,13,14…
does any body care…
15,16,17…
the emotional pain is killing me…
18,19,20…
not the physical pain is…
21,22,23…
my heart is gone…
24,25,26…
I gave it away…
27,28,29…
and is was ripped a part…
30…

I have scars from a former love….
that was so great that it almost killed me…

You call me names
and push me around.
you think im a nothing.
but what goes around comes around.
you think you’re so much better than me
just because you wear abercromie and i wear gothedout…
but you dont even know what im all about.
im glad to be an outcast,
im glad to be a freak.
why the fuck do you judge me
if you havent even heard me speak?!
so go ahead,
kill me with your words.
they mean nothing to me.
but be aware of what happens to you…
maybe in the end you’ll find out how it all came to be.
Watch your backs.
Death awaits you all!

Laying by my side
Protector of the house
Till the day she died Continue reading →

lets go to the fat Olymipics
Watch the hundred meter heartattacks in twenty five minutes
Count the judges that nervous break on the fat walk Continue reading →

Dark and deep alone I will sit,
within the cell I have created for me.
The chains,
wither the flesh about my joints,
and make me curse each passing day.
So alone, Continue reading →

I see you again as you walk in my door that sweet little girl with the Big blue eyes, the honey colored hair, the innocent voice and the soft skin a baby should have. Continue reading →

This life is fairly useless,
To an imbeceile like me,
I’m a waste of space upon your precious Earth. Continue reading →

Here I’m lost,
In your eyes,
“Drink of me
And live forever.”

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A world without you is a world without pain,
Never having to see your face grinning again,
All the times I have tried levelling with you,
You ruined my life, shat and spat on it too.
Continue reading →

Before I could get a word out she closed the makeshift door and blocked out what light there was. For the first time she looked like a normal, compassionate person. “I’m sorry for all of this, but you are our only hope.”
“What is all of this about?”
Continue reading →

each day we wonder

when and why things

are the way they are

each day we ask ourselves this…

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You hurt me again,
Just like you said you wouldn’t.
You made me cry again,
Even though you thought you couldn’t.
Continue reading →

I fuck’n hate you!
Hate is the only realationship between us!
A life with out you is a one for me!
This isnt fun anymore!
Continue reading →

The darkness comforts me now,
The tears roll down my cheek as I wonder how,
How im gonna get threw the night,
How im gonna win this fight.

Continue reading →

you sit there and tell me that youll support me 100% of the way, you sit back and tell me i can do anything i want, you sit back and tell me your so frigging proud of everything i do, then you turn around and tell me how much of a dissapointment i am, you stand there and yell that i’m going to fail, you yell that i have issues, im driving myself insane, so dark and so cold and so withdrawn from everythig, messing up my life and pushing everyone away, im weird, im unstable, and i need help. Continue reading →

all i want to say is life’s a bitch. we all no it. i mean im not trying to make ppl feel sorri 4 me or wateva im just trying to let ppl no a harsher reality. my life is realli shit i mean SHIT. atm i have 2 big gangs on my back im wanted dead for sumthing sumone else did. i hate skool coz everyonez either jock, teeny-boppy or happy. im none of those……. Continue reading →

So full of Pain, the thoughts inside,
It hurts so much, these tears I’ve cried.
You make me feel like life’s worth living,
My heart to you, I’m fully giving.
Continue reading →

I hear the voice inside of my head,
giving me reasons for why I feel dead,
I have all the answers, for everyone else,
But I just find nothing, when I look to myself,
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Davina’s cell phone rang.She answered it just to hear the meloncholanist voice she was so familiar with.It was her boyfriend Cameron.”What are you doing?”"Nothing just sitting here,trying to figure out somewhere to go,”she frustratingly said,while in the back of her mind she desperately wished he cared enough to ask what was wrong Continue reading →

The pain I inflict upon myself
gives me joy
The blood that pours
from my soul
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Hate me,
Hate myself,
Hate my mind,
Hate my body,
Continue reading →

My last piece of paper…what do I use this for? So many things one piece of paper could be used for. So what should I use it for? Continue reading →

As he sits at the piano, feeling rejected and lost. This man has noone, he is all alone. All he has is this piano…so he plays passionately, of all the sorrow, pain, and regret. Now he sees in his eyes someone from across the room, the woman he onced loved, she slowly slips out of sight.
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I hand you the pills for you to swallow. I introduce you to my world, where we all sit and avoid reality for the fear of failing.
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Last week I had eatten the last of the acid that was left on the counter. Strange, I thought. Not only did I start seeing the carpet designs come alive but there was something strange about my room. Devo was saying something to me but I couldn’t remember much about it. It seemed like he was freaking out or something. He looked deformed or distorted and his voice sounded like his pal had been caught on his zipper.
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There is another force within me.
One that I cannot control.
It feeds upon my soul.

Continue reading →