Moving…back on this subject. Mom says I need to make myself over over the summer, before we move. You know, no more black clothing, no more weird assed bracelets & necklaces, no more black nails, no more spikes. I say no and that I’m going to keep wearing this stuff. Mom doesn’t think they’ll accept me in Key West. I don’t care, fuck them.
Mom says that people look at me and they probably think I’m a bad person, and I say that if they do think I’m a bad person and they get to know me, they’ll feel dumb because they thought wrong. Mom says people might not want to get to know me because of what they percieved when they first saw me. And I say, “exactly.” See, I don’t want to know every other person at school like I do here. It’d be nice to be a loner for a few minutes of the day. People here knew me before when I was normal, so they know I’m not a bad person, so they’re not afraid of me or anything. I don’t want that in Key West. I just want a few friends, like me. Mom just doesn’t understand this.
Saturday night after having this argument with my mother (the one you just read about); I could not sleep. I layed in bed from 1am to 4:30am scaring myself. I began to take POV of people I don’t know –people that might not even exist. And the POV was when they were looking at me and what they thought of me…and none of it was good - none at all.
So after I turned the light back on the argument between me and my mom came back to me…. and thoughts came…even though I don’t really care about people accepting me or not, thoughts came…
Do I really want to live through incrimination for dressing differently? For seeing the world differently? Do I want to live through people constantly thinking they’re better than me? With people who think and maybe even say I’m a freak because I don’t believe in God? Or think that I am satanistic just because of the way I look? Do I want to go through daily verbal venting from people who hate gothics and aren’t afraid to tell me? Do I? Should I change my image so they’ll leave me the fuck alone? So I can make friends who really don’t understand me, like here? Should I just repeat what what I was in 6-7th grade in 9-12th? Do I want to repeat my mistakes? Or should I go on as I am now and be what I want, what I am -but- get ridiculed for it?
I don’t want to be what I’m not, but my mom has a bit of a point. But she also may be wrong. What if people will accept me down there? I mean, they accept gays (I’m not gay, but that’s not the point); so maybe they’re more open minded to this sort of stuff… and then again… maybe they’re not…
Alex