Entries from May 2003 ↓

Trying to find sanity but feeling completely insane. Making a new life but still feeling the pain. Justifying leaving but alawys feeling lost…Missing my old world but loving what I’ve got. Crying tears of lonliness but knowing that im not alone…. Runing but being tied up trying to find my home

Bloodshed on a battlefield of a battle fought upon a star,
The calls of death and mourning,
Feeling that all hope is far,
You cry out a shrill warning.

Can you smell the rot and decay?
I can smell the burning flesh.
A moments smile of dismay
As you’re caged by iron-mesh.

It was an early summer day. Mitchell and I lay in eachother’s arms after a long day of skateboarding. He looked down at me and fiddled with my hair. I glanced back at him, I knew what he wanted. I slowly climbed up his body and sat on his legs. We started to kiss with a sensation of lust in the back of our heads. Mitchell’s tounge emerged in my mouth, mine in his. We made out for quit some time. Then, he took off my shirt and bra. I lifted his up and kissed his abs (they are so sexy). We had switched places at this point. I took of my pants and Mitchell took of my panties with his teeth. He had also taken off all of his clothes……

Sorry i didn’t have enough time to finish this story, but it will be continued.

your eyes are like the windows that
only you can see out of…
people try to in those eyes wich
you call windows…
only darkness lives there
no one knows that you have no soul….
what you see is what you get…
each time some one tries to reach
inside of you…. you end up pushing them
aways with a great amount of force
that is unexpainable…
the people around you end up dead…
just with one kiss…
the kiss of death is all it takes…

It’s one of those days where u just wanna say good bye. Slit ur wrist & die, leaving a note saying im sorry I tried, I really did. Every since I was a lil kid I kept my feelings inside, u’ve neva seen me fully cry. You don’t know wha its like to b alone. Its like ur just siting there while every1’s gone. What did I do dat was so wrong? My body tingles, my hands shake.. is this really my fate? To inversion lying on the floor with my blood around me. My soul is frozen to the core. I have scars from the past but like everything else they never last. My scars tell a story to fright full to tell, so I lock it away in my own cold world. The story is true of the day I wanted my life to b through. I just don’t have da guts to push down & pursue wha I know will happen soon

(I think the catergory for this piece is fairly self explanatory!

I am not a poet
I don’t look at a sunset and think of
Spectacularly artistic ways of calling it a sunset

I am not a poet
The only beautiful words I know are those of others
Or my thesaurus

I am not a poet
It takes me ages to think of rhymes
And they usually end up clichéd and tacky

I am not a poet
I can’t figure out where to break up
My lines
Because I never understood why they did that
In the first place

I am not a poet
I don’t count syllables
Or even try to make each line the same length

I am not a poet
And yet I have just written what some might call
A poem.

meek child filled with so much hate
he not yet knows his morbid fate
his broken soul
he has lost all his control
in his head he sees nothing but a gory view
from all the happiness he withdrew
in his head he silently weeps
from alll the pain and sorrow he is forced to keep
he is filled with sickened emotion
to this life he shows no devotion
his state of mind is constantly discouraged
for he was treated like a savage
terrified by endless sights of carnage
filled with shame,fear,and rage
they took advantahe of his childlike innoscene
they laughed at his collow ignorance
all his hopes and dreams they shatter
he is filled with pain but they continue to batter
he screams and cries yet there is no hope
this has been all too much and he cannot cope
so he puts the razor to his wrists
he gives it a little twists
releasing all his pain and strife
escaping this decayed life
erasing all this shame and sin
he declares his hate for the world that he is in
he knows it cant get any worse
for this life has been nothing but a curse
but he has only one savior
death, the only cure for his self-destructive behavior

Hid in my room all alone so very alone hearing all the screams not knowing what is real seeing the moon turn red as it all falls down in a altered state of mind.

A broken state of mind so torn ripped bloody dark wanting out of this. All the little girls starring at me talking to me I am unable to understand they take there knifes cutting in to me I still just sit there in my room watching as they take my heart as I start to die off I look at them not girls dolls evil lost just as me there rage so strong………..With my last bit of life I awake in my bed

As I run tord the end the grass turns to ash the faces die out the voices so slient now the blood running down in rivers her angels wings spred out to catch me I see the gates I feel her tuch.

Pain no more, sorrow no more, love for ever

joy for ever

now sitting under the tree flowers around us I see her smile so much life

the air so sweet.

My soul so free no longer broken my eyes open wied no more darkness just peace

I see it all

as I fly over the world I had lived in……

*A new angel so free sperited so full of life never to be hurt again*

All the noise just won’t stop,
the voices have begun,
they just won’t stop,
i can hear them in the background,
telling me to do things,
things i shouldn’t do,
the voices they want me to,
they want me to kill myself,
they tell me ways to do it,
they say it needs to be original,
voices all the voices,
i can hear them clearly,
they’ve gotten louder,
it sounds so close,
sounds so real,
they keep getting louder,
i wish they would stop,
all the noise,
i want it stop,
someone help me, someone please,
just makle it stop,
someone stop all the noise,
please make it stop,
stop all the noise….

Jake sat at the edge of his bed, his hair cut military short to comply with his fathers wishes. He did what ever he could to prevent his father’s fists. That meant doing his best to keep on his good side; this wasnt enough all the time. Sometimes just the alcohol mixed with his presence in the house would be enough to drive his father over the edge. He turned to the window in his room, dreaming of escaping into the clouds as he always did.
His head snapped to the side as he heard a loud crash at his door; there he stood. The large bear of a man that his father was had slammed open the door. His fists curled he stepped towards Jake; Jake got down on his knees begging for forgiveness, “Please dad no”. His father looked down at Jake and simply grinned, he took a step back. For once it seemed that his father was going to let him go one night without punishment. As Jakes heart began to calm back down his father all of a sudden stepped up and kicked him in the chest. Jake was knocked back by the blow and landed on his back.
“Get the fuck up!” His father yelled at him, his hands undoing his belt. Jake did as he was told and stood up. As soon as he managed to straighten his back, his father’s arm swung at full speed towards him; the belt trailing a few seconds behind to hit Jake across the chest. He held his chest in pain for a second before his father pushed him face down into the bed. He ripped Jakes shirt off and sat ontop of his legs, rage-filled laughter soaked the scene. As Jake bit down onto the blanket the belt struck once, then again, over and over again, blood spilling out as the leather belt cut into his back. Finally his father had enough after a few minutes and got off of Jake. He walked out of Jake’s room without a word and closed the door behind him.
Jake stayed lying down on the bed as the pain subsided. 15 years of this crap, every night he imagined his hands around his fathers belt, giving him the same punishment he so often gave Jake.
Something snapped in him as he heard his father laughing in the next room. He stood up, blood slowly drying on his back, and walked out the second door in his room. He walked to the shed where his father kept his tools. He ignored the cold wind pricking his skin. With pale hands he oppened the doors to the shed, his eyes looked about the room then locked on one object. He walked to that side of the shed and picked it up; moonlight streaking in from the open doors bounced of the side of the ax. Freshly sharpenned this morning, he ran his thumb along the edge. Blood rolled down from the clean cut. Pleased that the blade would do its job well, he walked back into the house. His cold eyes locked with his mother’s as she aproached him. “What are you doing with that?”
He ignored her question and pushed her out of the way. He calmly oppened the door to his fathers room and walked in to find him hanging up the phone. His fathers eyes widened as he looked into Jake’s, recognizing the bloodlust in them. His mother had wasted no time in calling the cops the second she had seen him walk into his father’s room. Thinking quickly, his father threw a flower pot at Jake. It hit his shoulder knocking him back a step. The glass stuck into him, yet he felt nothing. To him there was nothing but his father and the ax.
His father turned quickly and ran out the door leading to the balcony, from there he climbed down the railing to the backyard. Jake followed, always just one or two feet behind his father. His father ran only to find himself pinned between the wall and Jake.
“Please, Jake. Im sorry” he begged as he got down on his knees, “Tell me what you want, Ill give it to you” his voice filled with desperation.
He looked into his fathers eyes, memories of so many nights in pain shattering his mind into tiny fragments. The only thing left, a shadow with the need to kill. He lifted the ax with both arms above his head and spoke calmly to his father. “I want you to die.” With that he brought the ax down on his fathers head, the blade sinking into his brain. He left the ax in and let go. His fathers body toppled forward, the ax kept him at an odd angle as it held him up somewhat.
Jake didnt feel the cops tackling him, nor did he feel the cuffs being placed on his wrists. He simply smiled and thought to himself, “Good night dad.”

She was the type of girl that sat in the back of the classrooms, would never talk to anyone, didn’t have any friends, and moved from a place know one knew of. Her name was Amber.
Everyday she would come into school 5 minutes early and just sit there, not reading, or doing anything, just sitting in her seat in the back corner of the classroom, barely even moving. She had pale skin and blue hair with amber color eyes. She kept her school uniform just how she got it, when other girls would change it alittle bit, such as making the skirt alittle longer, or alittle shorter. No one has even heart her voice, some say she doesn’t even have parents or any family members. She always walked home alone, down a dirt path that everybody has never been down before necause they didn’t think there was anything there to look at. Some poeple would even try to follow her, but they would get this weird creepy wind going around them when they were half was down the path so they turned back. One night some people saw a light shining out of a window from the path, so they knew she lived there. Once these 2 guys that saw the light got down the path and saw her little cottage they looked inside the light and say her standing be a fireplace, but she had wings out, they looked like dragon wings, they were black and looked very sharp. She was talking to a guy that also had wings, she looked very happy, and then, the guy disapeared. They didn’t know what to do, so they took a picture of her to show their friends.
The next day at school she was acually 5 minutes late, then one of the guys remembered the picture, so he took it out and turned around to show his friends, but there was nothing there, well no wings at least, the picture just showed her standing over a fire looking down in it. The guy looked over at her, but she wasn’t in her seat. HE then turned around to face the front of the classroom and she was standing there looking at him, she gasped thinking he was going to be killed, or at least hurt. She looked down at him and asked “Why were you at my home last night?” her low voice was very sad, yet happy, and all the guys didn’t know what to say, they all had fallen in love with her voice. “Dan, why did you take a pitcure of me?” “well, uh, me and Anthony, just thought we would get a picture of you, because we have pictures of all the girls in the class.” “your lying, but I’ll let it go, andplease, forget what you saw last night.” eith that she walked away and sat in her seat.
The next day, she wasn’t in school, no body knew what happned to her, they all think she killed herself, or juts movied again, but Dan thought differently
-To be continued-

He stood there for a moment contemplating what she had just said.”Are you going to dance or have a breakdown?” He pushed away from her making his way through the massive crowd.They all had fangs,why hadn’t he noticed it before? He made his way to the back of the room and found a corner where he thought he was alone.”It wasn’t very nice leavin gme out on the dance floor al by myself like that you know.” He turned he saw Llana,seh looked quite amused at his confusion.”W…w..what did you do to me?” She looked like she was about to laugh at his stupidity.”I made you a vampire,but of course you already knew that.”He had he didn’t want to admit it but he did know what seh ahd done,wait..why was he blaming her he should have known seh was too perfect.He shouldn’t have drinken.But now he was a vampire no way to change it.”You mind as well get used to it.You cannot change it, and you should embrace it before you go mad.”He collapsed to the floor shaking he was frightened to his core of her,and now he guessed he should be afraid of himself..He was the same as her.She looked down at him in disgust as if he was a parasite not worthy of her time.”Get up before you make a scene.” He got up and once again made his way through the crowd.This time he found the door and exited to a dark and quiet street.He saw teh Jag.He got in it hte keys were left in teh egnition.He started it and sped off down the street where he was heading he wasn’t quite sure.He eventually found himself at his home.Or what used to be his home. “You have come back to bring up memories that will only pain you more?” “What are you doing here Llana?” She jsut gave him a look like he should have already knew the answer to this question.”Well?!” “This is our new home Russell.”"No,no it’s not this is my home and i don’t want you anywhere near it.” He walked up the stairs to apartmen opened the door and found Llana sitting on an all black couch in a room that resembled his living room,but it was darker,black furnature,heavy drapes over the windows.”What do you think?I thought I would take the liberty and spruce up the place.” He just stared in disbeleif. “What did you do?” “Oh you haven’t seen all of it yet,come on follow me. He dumbstruckenly followed her to the bedroom where he saw two black coffins with winding blood red designs where his bed used to be.”There’s more.”He followed her to the kitchen, it was no longer messy t was excrutiatingly clean.This was because there was no food.”What have you done?!”He repeated. “Oh please,stop actign like you lived in such a great place before i did this.” He continued to stare.”Well the sun is nearly coming up I think it is our bedtime.” He walked into his room and eased himself into the coffin.It felt surprisingly comfortable for somethign that was made fro dead people. “Night,night.” Llana taunted as she closed the lid to his coffin.

She walked up to her room crying.
Not believing what she was hearing.
Taking a knife to her skin earlier,
But not daring.
But now there was a different gleam in her eye.
Her emotions scared herself.
But that didn’t stop her.
She looked for something,
Anything that could cause damage.
That’s when she found the glass.
Lying on the floor.
Like it was calling to her.
A test.
But she wanted to fail.
She knew it was wrong.
She had done this once before,
But now she cut deeper.
Although it didn’t even bleed.
Frustrated,
She went downstairs.
And although her mother saw her with the razor,
She thought nothing of it.
She went upstairs,
And in the darkness,
She cried as she cut an x on her forearm.
Shocked.
She sat and cried.
Cried for her family.
Cried for herself.
So scared,
But she knew that was the realease she needed.
The next morning,
Her arm still was slightly bleeding.
It felt as if it were on fire.
But it didn’t bother her.
That’s what scared her.
Made her think,
What’s next?

poetic

You layed out my coffin that day
Praise the lie
While the ringing continued
Help strenghthen this vile
Yes the streets are dead
Everyday I walked through this crowd
Everyday I cried
And since when did you care?
Only when it replied
And now in the streets you fly
Among the crowd I died
Paint the streets in red
Praise then lie

It’s one of those days where u just wanna say good bye. Slit ur wrist & die, leaving a note saying im sorry I tried, I really did. Every since I was a lil kid I kept my feelings inside, u’ve neva seen me fully cry. You don’t know wha its like to b alone. Its like ur just siting there while every1’s gone. What did I do dat was so wrong? My body tingles, my hands shake.. is this really my fate? To inversion lying on the floor with my blood around me. My soul is frozen to the core. I have scars from the past but like everything else they never last. My scars tell a story to fright full to tell, so I lock it away in my own cold world. The story is true of the day I wanted my life to b through. I just don’t have da guts to push down & pursue wha I know will happen soon

Will,

Listen here, you have no right to sit there and be disrespectful with vulgar profanities and petty threats that you will never follow through with. If you think that you can scare me by threatening my physical well being, or to take away my life, you are utterly incomprehensive.
It makes me mad when someone threatens to kill me and doesn’t follow through. I welcome my death whenever it may come. So get one thing straight, you kill me, I’ll be happy. So, threaten all you please, fore it does not bother me.
Oh yeah, just so you know… I would never ever come around a person like me and talk shit. I fear nothing!!! Not prison, not me, not life, not death, and definitely not you. Fore I will take a foot long, red hot nail and drive it straight up your urethra! I will scalp you as if I were native. Then I will cut off you dick, shove it down your throat, and decapitate you by the jaw.
I will hang your fresh corpse by the feet on a tree out in the woods and watch your body drain of all fluids. I’ll set up a camera and time elapse the decay of your pitiful, worthless, pathetic, molecular structure (physical form as a human). Then the energy that is extracted from your body from your death will be consumed by my Superior Being. Fore I am God in my own reality. Again, I fear nothing. I control my fate. I control my destiny. I also have the power over other’s fate and destiny. Now, I know where you are, and you are a pansy ass pussy for having to talk shit through a computer. I am not being a hypocrite either. I’m simply just giving you what you gave me just in an extended form. But the difference between my words and yours, is my words have truth, motive, and follow through to back it up. Yours on the other hand, yours has been neglected from the above. Now, since you are in California, home of the gay, I refuse to do anything about anything you have said. Fore you are out of the way of where I am going and where I am going to end up, so… oh yeah, if you e-mail my work e-mail again with that bull shit, I will be forced to use force against you. I have connections in every state. I will use them if it comes down to it. But I don’t think you would want me to if you knew my people. I belong to three ruthless organizations that everybody refuses to fuck with out of pure fear.

!~AtReD~!

Ps. I WILL INFLICT A SLOW AGONIZING DEMISE ON YOUR PATHETIC BEING OF ENERGY PRODUCED INTO A PHYSICAL STRUCTURE. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A CURABLE VIRUS.
I AM YOUR ANTIBODY. I AM YOUR DEATH. I AM YOUR GOD. I AM EVERYTHING. I AM THE EMPIDIMY OF SUPERIORITY!!!

i just wanna know… why the fuck do i get shit?
seriously ive never done ne thing to fuck with these people and they give me shit … ’stupid slut’ ‘fucking tryhard slut’ … why would i bother if i wasnt being myself? i think its just people hate me for who i am … do any of you get this shit?? cuz seriously.. im fucking sick of it.. cuz then it fucks with my head and yeah thats just fucking great… so i wear black and spikes and listen to metal and read lovecraft … so ne one else that does can call me a try hard gothic slut? i dont consider my self goth. i consider myself as me. what the fuck is with this world!?

Ive done everything in my power
not to be weak-
only strong
I escaped from the constant pain for awhile
You helped me so much
I did it all for you
So many things to look forward to..
so many things that you gave me
Countless times I thought you would leave
I started to panic
I ran to my room
dug underneath my bed,
and pulled out my knife
you would hate me if you knew
you hate weak people
Somehow you always came back at just the right time
Just as I would hold it against my skin-
the phone would ring
I always knew you would come back
Something happened that night
I dont know what or why
but you havent come back for me
I sat up all night
listening for your car-
it never came
I have to apologize
because I admit that I have cried
Im sorry but I am weak
I cannot pretend anymore
Everytime I pick up that knife
I hope to see your reflection
standing behind me
Im sorry for whatever I did
but please dont leave me
I admit that Im weak
and I cant do this alone
I dont want you to hate me
I want you to save me
Come back for me
Im so trapped in this room-
only memories to keep me company
Maybe tomorrow the phone will ring
or maybe I will hear your car
Just please let me see something else in my knife besides my own blood and tears
Im sorry-
Please come back for me.

There must be an anwser for my question, that is why people are always pushing me aside like i am something to hide.
I may have to live with this scar but I know Hell is not far and you can see it in the dark depends if you see it with your heart,but pain is not far apart,so tell me how do i deal with the constant crying as if my soul is frying.

So here I am, that was the plan.To build a life from nothing and turn it into something but fear had a place where all hope makes mistakes. If there is nothing more than I will fall and pray heaven takes me in from hell’s hall. Sometimes i don’t feel like a person more like I am worthless. So why don’t Death come claim me now I promise I won’t complain on the way down.

I’ve thought about this for awhile… ever been totally happy one second then bam… all you can do is stare of blank minded?
I do it all the time… people call me depressed or suicidal… my friend told me once… just pretend to be happy. I can’t. I can’t make myself act happy. I cant wake up without that thought of dread what the hell kind of torment am i going to be shoved into today. Why is it that everyone wants you to be fucking happy? Why do you have to smile? why do you have to wake up?…
Encouraging someone to fail… telling your friends lies to make them feel better…. telling yourself lies to have a little courage. It all seems so pointless to try and keep up with the web you’ve spun for yourself…
I dont think anyone actually just says everything and anything that comes to mind. I miss the whole childhood scene where it didnt matter as much about material things.
I mean people die everyday, some are mourned other are just part of the statistic.
Simply put…
Why go through the daily facade?

Sitting in my corner that no one can touch.Lonely like always,but I love being lonely.It’s the greatest thing in the fuckin world.No death is.It takes you away from all the things you hate.I hate everything so it don’t matter if I die cause no one’s goin to miss me very much.They may say they will,but they’re just tryin to make you feel better about yourself.Fuck yourself and fuck you too.No one cares.This shit makes no sense so I’m goin to stop typin and slit my throat,die and see how great it is not being alive.

so long fuckers!

In the darkness i will play
with my blades ill carve my name
in your flesh its all the same
as the scars from ur game
left to me to show me pain
now its my turn and your blood will rain
Through you throte it all came
just one slit it should be plain
i need this blood to sustain
my lust for blood to murder and maim
know my face im to blaim
throug out my task i feel no shame

My dreams are keeping me awake.
The horrors i see.
From a distant pass.
Myself as a child.
Being hit and burned.
Being Tortured.
Don’t blame me for being so sad.
Don’t blame me for hating everyone.
I told you my story.
But still you forget.
I see no beauty in life.
But still i feel sorry.
So many friends i have.
But they don’t understand.
I can’t hate my parents.
I love them so.
So i hate myself.
My heart has been broken many times.
So don’t come asking me why i don’t cry.
No tears has been shed for many years.
Cause my hate keeps my eyes from tears.

Depression clings to all of our minds,
feeding on our negative thoughts inside.
Growing with every bad emotion in us,
Learning all of our weaknesses.

Slowly it consumes the mind,
making us nothing but an emotional mess,
Revealing to us the true world,
and making us feel like something less.

Depression eats away our happiness,
replacing it with never-ending pain.
Sorrow then comes along,
and anger and hate is what we gain.

Depression makes us question our lives,
and everyday we wake up and ask “why?”
Why must we be the victims of such a terrible fate?
leaving nothing, not even an open gate,
in which we can escape.

We struggle to escape this dreadful thing,
but as long as we continue to let ourselves fall and give in,
that depression will always be here,
and shall always remain.

I hold a rose up to my chest and
think of the man who gave it to me
out of his love, then i go towards the
lake and carefully pick each rose petal
of of its thorny stem, and gently set it
in the water, after all the petals are
off the stem, making the stem having
a feeling of naked, i see each petal
floating away, they looking like a
piece of scattered glass on the water’s
surface, i treasure the moment, and
watch the sunset gleam in the dusk sky
the sun hitting the water like a metor
flaming down from the sky, and crashing
into the water, scattering the rose petals to
bits and pieces, i go home and rest in my bed
until i go to sleep dreaming the night away of
my love who dauos the briar rose, such beauty
and passion, dreaming of him of every second
of my thoughts and desires.

She is wandering the earth for
a purpose in life, but cannot find
anything to make her life worth
living, she tries so hard to make
people happy and fix everything
that has gone wrong in their lives,
she helps her friends when they are
need of help with their problems, but
yet she helps everyone else, but herself,
but she does have a purpose after all
she can care for people who are in need
and doubt themselves when they can’t do
right, still can’t meet her needs, that special
attention to herself.

It is though hard to be happy
if your life isn’t going as well
as you would like it to be, to tell
you the truth, there is no happiness
on earth, nobody is ever content,
thankful, grateful, for anything they
posses n their eyes, but i guess
that’s the way people want to be, so
let them be those miserable, ungarteful
stupid minded fools, its not our fault
they cannot find their purpose on earth.

“thats just it…” i mumbled to myself in the middle of a discussion with her. Her the one who has driven past the point of no return, my own mother. Today she had decided to give me shit about how i dress, and her comment of choice was, “You look like you’re about ready to die.”
“what?” she just had to ask.
“That’s just it, so what if i look like this not like you’d care if i were dead, so why not dress like it so you wont even notice until i dont give you my ’shitty attitude’?”
I had pissed her off… So my mother left to go out drinking and waste herself away once more. Her perfect song of choice would be that old one, it goes “wasted away in margaritaville..” you know… so i went about my night just as normal. I ended up calling my best friend, the secret love of my life, she always seemed to want to talk to me, unlike what i can say for the rest of the world.
“hello..?” she mumbled into the phone.
“hey, whats up?” i asked casually, but i could tell something was wrong.
“nothing, i was just sitting here hoping you’d call, you see i wanted to ask you something.”
“really… well ive called, so ask away.”
“well.. i dont really want to, i think it will upset you.”
“just… ask..” i said, already not liking the sound of this. Being alreayd upset for the past few days, depression had taken its toll, i knew id never have her… and just my home life wasnt too great as you could tell.
“i was wondering, if you considered us really good friends?”
“of course, you’re like my only friend.. you mean a lot to me.”
“thats what i was afraid of, you see, i know we’re friends and all, but lately you’ve been drifting away from me. i’m starting to blame your depression, and i dont want to have to be depressed like you, just to have you back. so i think im not going to talk to you until you regain yourself.”
“whats that mean? this is me, sorry for my feelings.”
*click*
she had left…
‘damn..’ i thought.
i really couldnt help this, depression thing, its been plauging me my whole life. The cause of my lack of friends.. but i thought she had really cared, maybe we even had something there. That crossed the line. It was the last piece of straw on the donkeys back…. i didnt know what else to do.
I had been a cutter for at least 3 years now. But it just didnt seem to fit the night, it seemed to me, that i had lost the one last thing that had meant anything to me at all.
More than any material object, any relationship besides this i would sacrifice. But now… i had nothing, and i was no one.
They say that without interaction with other people, a human would die. And this is what has become of me.
I led myself blindly to the medicine cabnit. I grabbed every bottle in the, and started shoving the pills down my throat.
‘Fuck water…’ i thought to myself, if i choke the deed will be done faster.
then, intoxicated on depression and about 700 pills of all my mothers ‘pain medication’ i led myself back to my room. i turned on some music, i didnt care what it was, and just let the screaming voice take my pain away.
I reached over for my blades… barely remember the spot i kept them. slashing viciously, yet gracefully, i filled up my arm in a matter of seconds, and the blood oozed down onto my white down comforter. The deep red entranced me, and i thought of how funny it would be to see my mothers face when she finds my comforter, too bad i wouldnt be there.
the room started to crumble, and it was the loudest noise i had ever heard. It captured and filled every space in my ears, and the room fell away and left me in the black void of space….
I felt like i was falling, but my eyes were too heavy to look where.
I hit the ground, hard, and found myself in the most beautiuflly depressing place i had ever seen. The sky was a deep gray, the ground was made of dark red grass that was enchanting, and the rest of the scenery was charcoal black. This was the place i wanted to stay.
I found a comfortable looking place in the grass and took advantage, falling asleep just about as soon as i hit the ground. I awoke, finding thyat i wasnt alone. there she was, and more beautiful than ever.
‘im sorry.’ she said in her sleep.
and i left her there, to rest. For to awake her, would be like killing her, bringing her to this place before her time. I would wait here, in this eden. For she would come.

the cooking in my heart let out a smelly……