Entries from June 2003 ↓

You start 2forget ur needs b/c ur so jacked up on speed while ur on ur knees w/ this needle in ur arm screaming “I killed Tweedle D.”
The world turns plan, its like a black n white movie, every things the same. While you snorting up ur ounce of cokecain, u cant help but think 2ur self wow dis shit is lame. I need more in my life. So u grab a knfie & start stabing every1 twice. But while ur slicein n dicein everyone.. the cops come, then ur a fugitive on da run, your live on ch 1. America’s Most wanted!! #1!! Gee i guess every1 was right i’m a homcidal maniac lose in the night. Your on the bridge with lights in ur eyes & this guy saying ” say no to suiside!!” Suiside?!!?! why would i want to die? I won 1st prize in the spelling bee when i was five.. oh wait that wasnt me, that was sum bitch i cut up on main street.. HEHEHE.. wow theres alotta people here, i didnt perpair a speech.. Uh.. Hi mom thanx for not loveing me!, Hi dad.. wait we’re not sure who that is yet, he was just there for the quick screw then fled. To all my friends, like i said Ima b on tv before im dead. Well im not much of a speaker thanx 2my english teacher, I slit her throat haha u should of saw it, it was pretty gross! I’d like 2say to all the lil boys n gurls FUCK SCHOOL!! go b a prostitute & a pedafile like my mother & one of my many fathers. Well thats all for nowers! Oh jenna I was the one who sent u flowers, I loved you! Alexis hey i’ve been crazy bout u for years, just didnt have the guys 2tell u, but hey look at me up here im faceing my fears. Alright every1 hold my calls b/c i doubt i’ll b back after this fall.. wow dats a long ways down, I wonder if i can hear the sound of my self screaming… well alright tinker bell give me some magic dust.. wanna know my happy thought? Ok if u must..that they’ll all forgive me, Yea, thats all i want for christmas. But sorry snata i’ve been bad. Ok peter Pan off 2never never land, after this leap i know i’ll wish i never had.. *leaps*
You wake up in a cold sweat! Your safe in ur bed, silly girl it was all in ur head! But no matter what , at night u can still hear the screams b/c this is all just a bad dream!!!!!

Deep brown eyes, nice thick thighs. Eyers brighter then any star in the sky. A personality you spend ur whole life lookin for. Smooth tan skin, the sexiest hispainc there’s ever been. W/ one look it’ll make u want to change ur life, just one glance of those misterious brown eyes. You know shes what makes the sun rise n the moon set so high in the night sky. She makes you forget who you use to be, makes it out to be a blur, as from an entirety. You live ur life for her, just the mer sight of her. She cures any pain you’ve ever endured. This hispainc beauty whos voice if heard will save you from da deep cruel world… my hispanic girl

Its one of those days where u just wanna say goodbye. Slit your wrist & die leaveing a note sayin im sorry i tired… I really didm ever since i was a kid i’ve kept my feelings inside, u’ve never seen me fully cry. You dont know what its like to be alone. its like ur just sittin there, while every ones gone. What did i do that was so worng. My body tingles, my hands shake… is this really my fate? to invison lying on the floor w/ my blood all around me. My soul frozen to da core. I have scars from the past but like everything else in my life they never last. my scars tell a story to frightful 2tell, so i lock it away in my own cold world. They story is true of the day i wanted my life to b threw. I just dont have the heart 2push down n pursue wha i kno will happen soon…….

Down in a dark room of an empty house I sit holding a blade to my wrist with a shine of light from the streetlamps..I’m waiting for the right time…all I can hear now is the steady Drip…Drip…Drip.
Maybe its from my tears that I’ve cryed from confusion about my life…or..Maybe its from my wrists that I’ve cut so many times before. Now they won’t find me .. now i can finally die. Finally end the hell that I’ve put up with for so many years .. I’ve pulled in so many that has suffered from my life and pain. Now I can and I am goin to end it all.
Its geting darker now.. I can;t see anything.. I’ll jus lay down here til i can.The floor is so cold or no its jus me. Now i can barly breath. Is it really happaning now??? I’ve finally done it ..Drip…Drip…Cling…Drip

theres this girl i once knew named shanda and that girl was very troubled in her head. so i took on the responceablity to help this girl to get better.to my knowledge she wasn’t troubled as i thought she was.

Darkness
Your eyes conform to its surroundings
searching for some similarity stored in memory
A wave of indifference fills your soul
You wake up wondering why you’re still breathing
All you’ve worked for…gone
All you’ve loved…died
Yet you’re still here…some how
Unaware of your fate, you reclaim your place on which you lay,
feeling and odd sense of peace radiate from within.
You close you eyes breathing softly as you
fall back into the pool of subconciousness….

As you rest on these raven colored sheets,
rose petals rain on you like tears
Your surrounding is that of a shrine with
thousands of lit candles radiating from where you lay.
You inhale deeply as the air fills your lungs
then…………………………….Silence
Not a sound can be heard, not of you
breathing nor the flicker of any candle.
Just a heavy dark silence as if everything froze.
Out of nowhere a flame appears in the air
and grows furiously till it reaches the form of your likeness.
It walks towards you and touches you lovingly.
Then sits next to where you lay and you both merge together
As I look upon you I seeing his power flow
through every crevice of your body.
In a flash of light this spirit creature
leaves your body yet there is another…yours.
You both embrace then……….you burst into nothing
Leaving the cold yet beautiful body resting on its throne

Falling
I’m falling
Falling, deeper into my grave

Why is it this way?
Have I done something wrong or is it just my fate?
Falling
I’m falling further away
Help me, bring me closer

Sometimes I feel it was a mistake.
You treat me so indifferent as if it was truly my fault.
I tried to open up but you kept shutting me down.
And now I’ve drifted further away
Falling deep into my grave.

I lay in a tub shivering as my body
loses against this intruder.
Guilt and depression, my common
enemies, has now infested my body.
My eyes once alert are taken by darkness
as I slip into unconsciousness.
What have I done to feel so wrong?
Who has caused me to slit my wrists?
The blood that once flowed though my
body now fills the tub, bathing every inch of my body.
As everyone continues to live his or her
pathetic lives, why is mine filled with harshness?
Shouldn’t life be happy?
Shouldn’t we wake up every morning in blithe spirits?

All my life I see countless souls build, sweat, bitch,
and suffer to ‘achieve’ a little bit of ‘greatness’ in their
lives that will be worth nothing when they die.
Are they that blind to the course nature has made for them?
They’re maybe smarter then I think.
I guess it’s smarter to not think about or see life they way I do.
It should be looked upon through a foggy window.
So all the obscure things in life are less noticeable…

By adding makeup on something hideous, you end
up with something beautiful right?
Then why am I here dieing by my own hand, feeling
more guilty and sad then I ever felt in my life?
I’ll never know now, it’s to late.
I’m dieing and not you, anyone, or me can change it.
Life’s a bitch right?
But instead of me fucking in, it has me fucked.

As we gaze deeply into each others eyes,
I see your gratitude for this moment
The only thing that keeps us from bonding
Is the thin satin sheet covering my body
Leaning closer I can hear your body exhale
As our lips lightly touch
You take my hands in yours,
Intertwining our fingers

As our hands make love
The shield between us fades into nothing
As our skin touch, it sends waves of
Pure electrifying emotion through us
In a passionate kiss our energies sour
Reaching heights that were thought impossible

To and fro we climb the path
Waves crash and tides turn as we hold on to each other . . .
Sparks fly as we support each other on that powerful peak

. . . Your fingertips lightly caress my sensitive parts
Causing me to gasp in ecstasy . .
In each other’s arms we return to
the never-ending cycle of sacred affection

standing,
staring,
crying,
lying,
dieing,
hoping,
hating,
slaying,
rapeing,
scraping,
shaping,

I am here,
Suck inside my head.
My thoughts spin round and round,
with no hope of coming out.
You never saw me,
never wanted to.
I am fucked up,
because of you.

You made me what I am!
you gave me this hate,
this pain,
this anger!
You made me what I am!
You took my love,
my happieness,
my innocence!
You made me what I am!
Thie evil, hatefull,
Dark, Disturbed,
No good, waist of flesh!

My first was not what usualy happens to a girl untill she is grown. I was 16 and full of life. My best friend(whose name we wont mention) had a show to do at the county fair. I thought that it would be nice to surpris him near closing time.

So hear it was 12:30 am and i show up to say hi. I found him in an empty barn that not very many people use during the fair. He was just finishing his last chore. We had joked about having sex before, so I walked up behind him and pressed my breasts against his back. he stood and leaned back to flaten them to him. I slid my hand around his front and down untill it was splayed over his stomach.

He groaned and took my hand to guid me down to his erection. To my untrained virgin mind he was huge. I could feel him pulsing in my hand, so i squeezed him. I dont remember how it happened but the next thing I know he has my back against the side of a stall and my legs wraped around his hips.

He pressed his croch into mine and i cried out from the feeling it caused. Now i was wearing a skirt so the contact was blocked by only my panites and his jeans. He ran a finger over my damp panties and chuckled. he tore them down the center and ripped them off of me.

I arched into his hand as I felt the pressure of my on coming climax increase. I tore at his jeans. undoing the button fly with trembling fingers. He drove into me with one smooth stroke, The pain of virginity barely noticed.

He filled me so perfectly. As we moved together, there in an old stuffy barn, against wooden stall railing, I got my first taste of passion. My first real man. I will never forget the look on his face, one of complete awe, just as he came. His climatic pulsing triggered mine. The first rush of heat from his core sent me into oblivion.

We have fucked a few times over the years. But I will always remember that hot August night. And the smell of hay always seems to get me wet.

I could see it beating. That pulse at the base of his neck. The veins thick and strong. The beat of his heart fast and rythmic.

I could not take my eyes away. It hypnotized me. He is living. I envy That pulse. It represents every thing that was taken from me.

Its stronger now. He is nervous. He has noticed my staring. I can still see it beating. Strong and sure. Maybe i should feed on him. But that pulse…….

I am sick and tired of my cyber charisma
My pointless and detrimental Internet Magnetism
Where is the flesh I was promised?
My once in a lifetime love
The one person made just for me?
The soulmate that exists for everyone
I refuse to believe they exist
I am fed up with my online beauty
My pitying cybernetic good looks
There is no one for me
I exist to be walked on
At least I always have my keyboard crush, My mouse penis,My monitor vagina
My monitor of Love
My personal mirror mirror on the wall
Love does not exist
It is a figment in the eyes of beatniks and emo kids
I am tired of my pc pizzazz
My messenger melody of self love
I can always see love on screen
small window in a giant hole
I am sick of my cyber charisma
My pointless Internet magnetism
Where is the flesh I was promised?

So you want to know my story eh? Or is it the future that has your intrest? No matter, you will find both here. From begining to end. From Alpha to Omega. Sit down, we have a ways to go then! I will start with my embrace. My embrace was not one of the joyous ones most speak of. No being tied in my lovers arms, but rather a petty trick by a fellow Malkavian. My Sire’s name was Velvette, and we met in a small asylum for the mentally deficient outside of Florence, Italy. I liked my room there. I could smell the flowers outside my barred windows and had endless time to think. So endless did it seem anyway. Looking back on it the measley 14 years speant in solitude was nothing compared to what i have endeavored more recently. Tab? I have an undeniable craving for this stuff. LSD is it called? No matter, my personal supplyee simply calls it “the ‘cid.” Delightful as it may be to you, to one with such advanced delusions as my own it only adds to my insight. So I had sat in solitude from the time I was 4 years old to the time I was 18 and developed certain mental features to accompany me for my loneliness. Were there doctors? Hell no! This was the 1500s my dear! The doctors were morticeans! My room was dark, with a single window and a bucket that I would empty every day by putting it through a small hole in the bottom of the door. I would eat once a day and as I recall the food was quite delicious. A mixture of greens and whites would usually show up on a tinish metal plate every day and every day I would scarf the food as if my life depended on it; for infact my life did depend on it as I was mortal then. On my 18th year in this institution Velvette chose to act. She had a nasty fettish for taking the clinically insane and turning them into malkavians. Some what of a cruel feat indeed but one that I am most thankful for. She came in through the hole in my door one night while I slept. I awoke to a rather sensual and erotic feeling stemming from 2 large fangs in my theigh. I became cold and my vission blurred to white. Suddenly my senses died except for one. My tongue felt something irony and metallic. Blood. She had bitten her lip and was not kissing me. My eyes opened and I thought only of one thing. I thought of feeding. I began crying and she disappeared through the hole in my door. I tried to follow her and to my surprise the world was colorful outside of my cell. The guards were laughing hysterically at absolutely nothing, the walls were bright red, and food was layed out for me. I grabbed one of the lain out boddies and sucked it dry. Mmmmm the beast began to die. I fed again 3 times this night. At that time I did not understand the laughter of the guards but I do now. My sire used a gift of malkavians we call “total insanity.” It rendered the guards as hysterical lunatics. Insanity can be a fun thing.

Da ovuhr dai’ee me and dah Jee’of’ahn’ee waz fietin and den dah boohah didst cum to keel dah jee’of but dah jee’of tooks owt dah guns and dah boo’hah didst get in dah woom and den dah….

Colors all over the place, there was a purple star in the bilay’zee and the can of wonderful light flooded the universe with cain and blood and then the sun shone at night and killed off all the unrighteous children of the night

Soon the moon will show in blood and then cain and abel will happen again between me and my chosen foe, the brujah warlord, Vidkahn. But upon my demise a new world of explosions and death will arise. More that 60% of all stolen nuclear devices are never found and thats how our world will meet demise

My delusions never ceased to grow wilder and wilder, and all of my personalities began stalking me. The beast, it seems, had taken my alternate forms over to be used as my own demise. The world seemed harsch after my embrace, and hell followed me for 200 years. The Camarilla didst fight me because I was without a sire and without any knowledge of the masquerade, while the sabbat fought me simply because of my life as a malkavian. In the year 1804 a fellow malkavian named “Geraldo Merchisimo” taught me of the ways of the world of darkness and of the camarilla. This is where my life truley started. I was soon a learned dementator under a powerful prince in Florence, where I was once again imprisoned against my will, only this time I didnt like the room. it was about the size of your average human refridgerator and smelled of cheap cigarres. The prince was overthrown in the 60s when I moved to SanFransisco, California. Here is where I met the beast again. I decided to stop feeding. Everyone here seemed nice and I really loved the musical stylings of jimi hendrix. Why kill off those who fight the inquisitioning of minorities like the one I percieved myself to be in? After 21 days of not feeding, the beast took me. I slaughtered an entire room of people at a greatful dead concert. Jerry Garcia cried. I fed well that night but realised that there was no reason to starve like this. These humans I took so much stalk in were my prey not my friends.

In the 70s man, I fuckin loved Led Zeppelin and Ted Nudgent and I got into fucking Pink Floyd - WE DONT NEED NO FUCKING EDUCATION MAN! FUCK YEAH! - I was fucking all dazed and confused and shit taht whole fucking time man. Fuckin, god was like “Hey Rinton man, you want to fuckin learn the meaning of your fuckin existance man? Try some of this shit and shit! It was fuckin ‘cid! It was awesome! It made the world calm! So then I was like “Man, There is gunna be a war between 2 fucking rocks man! 1 of em is gunna be a big rock wif a fucking…. er…. uh….. wif alot of money man! The other one is gunna be a fucking little rock that is like… the anarchist rock man! Thne they is gunna fight twice but the big rock never really finishes off the little rock! Thats the future man! fuckin except it man!” WOOHOO PARTEH!

In 1978 I attended a concert by Pink Floyd to the album, “The Wall.” In the concert they featured the wall of bricks being built around a delusionary schizofrenic who fears nothing more than people seeing his true self. This brought me to tears. I was the only one to realise that he did not know his true self at all. He had no true identity because he simply had too many. I likened this to my own situation and

Life is a ball and this ball goes through a hoop. This hoop swings around a body like a freaking…. like a freaking orbiting planet around a sun. The sun is how the universe works and the planet is this dimension. All the other planets are other dimensions.

so I bit teddy despite taht he was a good friend, only to realise he was a stuffed bear

and then my dear….. I am hungry. I will be back soon.

I was home alone. My parents left on some lame sailing trip, so I got the house all to my self for the weekend. Oh joy.
Asleep on the couch, I felt a hand caressing my face and I bolted strait up and grabbed my knife that I always sleep with. But there was no one there. What the fuck? So I just assumed that I am going nuts. I layed back down and out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone moving. So again I sat strait up, but even before I could get my knife open, the person had me pinned down with a hand over my mouth. I looked strait up, anger burning in my eyes, and saw the most gorgeous man I have ever seen. Long, wavy black hair, and eyes the deepest blue of the sea. His beauty surprised me so much that I gasped. This seemed to please him, because he smiled.
I knew at that moment that I wanted him. I wanted him more than anything I had ever wanted before. He seemed to know this, because he took his hand off of my mouth. He knew that I wouldn’t scream.
He got off of me and said in the most sexiest voice that I had ever heard, “I have been watching you, my love. I know that you desire me, that you have dreamt about me, so here I am. If you wish me to go, just say so, and I will never bother you again, but if you wish me to stay, I will forever more.”
I was so lost in the depth of his eyes, I could hardly whisper the words, “Please stay.”
He then came towards me, so quickly that I barely saw him move. He kissed me and in that kiss was all the passion of a million bleeding souls. He took off my silk night gown in one swift movement and just stared at me with a look of great longing on his face. “Take me,” I whispered.
He took off all of his clothes to reveal the most perfect body I could ever imagine, not too muscular, but toned and perfectly white. There was one scar right below his left nipple, but that was the only imperfection that I was able to see, but to me, it was beautiful.
He crawled back to me, graceful as a lion about to attack its prey. He kissed me again and I felt a wetness between my legs. Then he moved his body closer to mine and I could feel that he was just as aroused as I was. I wrapped my legs around him, encouraging him to enter me, and finally he pushed inside of me. He was so much bigger than I expected, and I gasped with the pain. It was a wonderful pain though. He kept pumping into me, and he started kissing my neck. I was in ecstasy. I then felt a sharp pain in my neck, and realized that he had pierced the skin with his sharp teeth and was drinking my blood. It felt so good, I thought I might pass out. Then, right as I was about to, me stopped. He took the knife that was still in my hand and made a deep cut right next to the scar he already had.
“Drink my sweet, and we will be together forever.”
His blood was beautiful and crimson dripping down his gorgeous stomach. I licked the line of blood and began sucking on the wound. He began fucking me again, harder than before, and again I gasped with pain and pleasure. Then all of a sudden, like fire engulfing us, we orgasmed. I fell asleep right there in his arms.
The next night I woke up and found myself in a beautiful black silk gown and I wasn’t at home. I was in a huge gothic style bed with red satin sheets, the color of blood. The walls of the room were black and there were exquisite paintings and artwork everywhere. Then I looked at the silver table by the bed, and there was a black rose and a note. The note red:
“Sweet awakenings, my love. I hope you are rested, for you will need your strength for tonight!”
I smiled to myself and knew that he meant every word.

Lately she had been rather depressed. She had always cried herself to sleep, tonight was no different. She lay her head on the pillow and let the make up flow down her face, smothering herself with her pillow so no one would hear her, allowing the black to sink into the threads.
Minutes passed by faster when you were trying to sleep, she realized. She felt warm and decided to open her window, summer breezes tended to feel good and sooth her to sleep like a mother. Three hours had passed and she was still awake. Restless and bored she kept turning over.
Finally, she began feel slumber and the zephyr outside had noticeably picked up. She felt the breeze between her legs and her nipples rise with the cool brushes of wind. The wind seemed to move gently back and forth between her legs in a soft rythm, so caressing. She was getting hotter when she noticed that the wind was rubbing her, turning her on more than anything had ever in her life.
Suddenly she felt a strong force inside of her, molesting her with every gust, fucking her. She loved it. She began to move her hips, synchronizing herself with the breeze. She used her tear filled pillow to swallow her now pleasurable moans, the salt smelled so sweet. She felt herself coming to an orgasm and reached out into the nothingness, wanting it to materialize, begging it to let her touch it. She came, she relaxed, she watched the wind become nothing, and it was completely gone in seconds. She fell asleep.

(Erotic)
Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night touching your self, without knowing why, then after some days later, you realize you had a dream…

more…
It was a summer night just like this one, waterless and warm wind roughly breaks when hitting my face. All I can think of is getting out of the house, I knew I was grounded for drinking again, but nevertheless I was curious of what’s happening next door, as the loud noises of people screaming, partying. My new neighbor, no, not new, I was just too careless to go and visit him when my parents did. He has been here since the early April. Gathering from the conversations my parents have about him, seems like he is not exactly NORMAL, and so are his friends, which might make him interesting than the rest of my neighborhood (overflowing with old people).

I stick my head out of the window, gazing at the lights from next door, suddenly I saw him. He was tall, with dark brown hair down to his wide and muscular shoulders, even though its night, I could clearly see his face as the half blocked shiver moonlight shined upon his pallid skin. He has a very dull fashion sense, as he was wearing an ordinary black, brownish sleeveless shirt, and just jeans down under, but there is something more to this man as I wonder, a sudden interested stroke me, I was curious of who he is, we might begin with…what’s your name? But I did not care.
As ponder in my own childish world, a woman in high heels walks towards him, almost cat walking. She is wearing a white see-through top, without a bra…her small black skirt almost doesn’t exist. She moves from left to right, I think she is drunk. She gently puts her left hand on his left shoulder; he did not turn, as if he knows she was coming. She leans on him, and then she rubs her face from left to right just like a cat. I watch closely with amusement behind my curtains, trying to cover my self from exposing. She continues to caress his body, and then suddenly he turns to her. He takes her by the waist and carries her to the nearest car, she smiles and she knows what is coming next. He puts her on top of a blue E240 Mercedes Benz car. He then looked at her one more time, his eyes shine, seems like he is not happy of what he is going to do to her, but she is not caring. She places her right hand on his face, and slowly pulls him near, he pushes away, the woman lays there confused. Maybe he doesn’t like to be controlled. She laughs and said, “don’t be afraid, you can have me…this might be the last time!” I wasn’t sure of what she meant. He looks back at her again with regret in his eyes, he kisses her roughly, his tough dancing with hers, I can feel it. I can’t sit still anymore, I want to see this so bad, and it is just another movie, I said, except this one is real.

The man starts touching her, through her shirt, her perky breasts exposes under the moonlight. As he continues touching her breasts, her nipples are hard. Clearly she is enjoying it, as she moans with joy. He is now kissing her neck, she looks up then closes her shining dark eyes, and she wets her lips with her pink long tough and bites her lower lip softly. At this moment I feel arouse, the feeling of wanting to touch my self. I look at them closely, he affectionately takes her shirt off, he rubs her legs up and down, and then he licks them. The man nips her nipples, and then rubs it from bottom to top. She moves her neck around and around he knows she likes it. The man takes off his shirt then bends down, he starts licking her tummy up and down, stops when he reaches the nipple, making the woman feel desperate for more. Finally he bites her nipple softly, and sucks it like a baby wanting milk from mammy. She starts touching him as well; she reaches down to his pants, reaching for his cock. He is erected, even though it’s hard to see from his hard jeans, I know he is. I can’t help it touching my self, suddenly a cold wind blows in from the out side, my nipples are hard, I touched them roughly, I wish I am down there with them. She pulls him up from the ground, trying to take his pants off, he is wearing no under pants, and right away I can see his black, long and stiff penis. I took a breath, trying to feel what is the like to be fucked right now. The woman takes her white silky thong off with her skirt on and throws it away wildly. She intended to change places with the man, he is now sitting on the car. She bends down on her knees, and starts licking his long, black penis. She sucks on it hard, up and down. Then she begins licking the tip of his penis, which aroused him more and more. Then she stopped, she wants some as well, they changed places again, she is now sitting down, her legs wide off, waiting for the entrance of his long cock, she pulls on his dick, then towards her, they start fucking. He moaned with a manly voice, despite the crazy partying music on the background, all I hear around me are they, the sound of joy, she groans and he fucks her hard and hard. Under the ghostly moon, they fuck with joy; she moans more, and saying words such as “FUCK ME, FUCK ME HARD YOU MOTHER FUCKER!” suddenly I can feel wetness down in my pants, I feel horny than ever. I want to be touched like them, I want to be kissed like them, and mostly I want to be fucked like them. I slowly while listening to them moan, touches my self, then reaching down into my pants, my underwear is now wet, I used my middle finger and pokes my clitoris violently, I moaned. Then I reached down more to my virgina, and then suddenly I couldn’t hear them anymore. I raise my head up to see them, clearly they have reached it. She looks exhausted and so does he, but there is sometime different about them now. I can’t seem to find out why. They both look bloodless; I reckon more than tired, I think they look dead. They smiled at each other, like they’d never see each other anymore, then a terrible cold wind blow roughly towards me and all around me, it forced me to close my eyes, then we I opened them seconds after, the man and the woman disappeared into the dark, completely vanished…I woke up, looked around, it was just a dream.

My chipper approach on life has fallen short. There are all kind-of things to know the right answer to, but don’t really feel it. It might just be a shroud, cover in understanding that strangness means seperation and that not going along means insanity.

Preaching how sex is enjoyable may be the worst of it all. Having many boyfriends and haveing sex with only fourteen out of them, it is hard to say anything really. Getting far as learning basic motions is as far as it goes. There hasn’t been any enjoyment in the act. Being friends with men works out fine. It is probably the only reason sanity is still in my life. Preaching love, happiness and friendship is distant in reality to me, so why do it.

So what does someone do when people try to tear them down? Even a “friend” in the mix who just lay there while my whole life suddenly changes.

Where’s the caring? It is nowhere. Nowhere to be found. Sure I as soon watch them die. I know they couldn’t care less about me as the try to keep me down even longer.

There is far cry from having sex and enjoying it. Remembering all the times I should have loved the person that took my virginity, but only felt hatred. The smiles and conversations to conceal it were atleast short.

It would take more than a mile in someone shoes to make betrayal by someone, in reality is barely known to me, okay. Though getting knocked down some and living a fairly tragic life, there is still no understanding in my heart for them. There will never be empathy for them.

A great distance is there from what life should be. But what should life be. So maybe I will just preach it can be better. It really can. Is it paradise? It is also far from that too.

(this goes in the vampire section)

It could have been mistaken as a lush forest thick with mist that clung even to the tiniest pine needle; the gray that hung about the city clouding it so, was merely another one of it’s dark storms. The sky was old and heavy with rain. When the clouds would burst the liquid that fell would cover the genetically created trees, the only thing that could grow in such a world as this, and the red of it would trickle slowly, thickly down the black crevices of it’s bark.

In the past there had been water, a crystal clear substance like diamonds or glass, and cascaded from the sky, or filled the rivers, seas, and ponds, but now it was just blood. After a great war between human and dragon there had been so much blood that no water was left untouched by it’s stain. After the last loyal dragon had died a curse had been put on the world that was where
Rheynne ruled. That never would it’s purest substance be left clean. Water was that substance and because it was tainted many things died. Only the genetically mutated survived.

Humans were the first to start perishing. Only after crops died and food became so scarce that it was like the Holocaust of WWII and brother was fighting against brother for one piece of bread, did the human race realize that it might be the end of it’s existence. One by one they dropped slow until a woman by the name of Silvia of foreign decent created a drug. The drug was a liquid that could be drunk or injected into the vein of a human. It made it possible for humans, who were in belief, meant to be herbivores, to actually have their bodies adapted to become carnivores. The drug, by blood contact, caused the receiver to go through a rather painful procedure of have their intestines shrunk. This made it possible for humans to survive off of the blood liquid that fell from the sky and replaced their water source. The blood held enough nutrients that it was a better source of energy for humans. Only a vile of it was required daily to survive instead of the past three meals of food a day.

Most carnivores survived the switch because they had the blood to live off of which was the consistent of their main dietary habits anyways, but the herbivores were the ones dying. So a small group of animal freaks got together and with a bunch of money pain this Silvia girl to create another form of that kind of drug that could be thrown into the remaining green food sources. The drug was made, but to no avail, there were just some creatures that were not meant to live on the planet. You couldn’t shrink a horse’s intestine. It just wasn’t done. They died, so many animals did. After that last effort, many of the animal freaks couldn’t forgive themselves a mass suicide event occurred because of their pain for putting the remaining animals into misery.

The idea of genetically mutating the remaining plants was abandoned soon because there was no way to create a plant that could live without nourishing soil and water. The only kind of plant that was able to be genetically mutated was the tree, and what was left of them was not something that actually grew through the process of photogenes but a kind of living crystal, and it’s petrified bark contained pours, as the inside the tree had small canals that served as veins. The blood would rush through them like white water rapids and bust a hole through the end of each of the smallest branches, causing it to grow. Whatever the blood picked up on it’s way through the veins changed it’s molecular construction so that when it reached air it would freeze, the holes at the end of the branches served as portals for fountains and the fountain of blood that escaped would immediately freeze into points creating the next section of the tree.

So even as the liquid blood fell from the sky and slunk along the ravines of the trunk it would be sucked happily gargling like a bubbling brook through the black rock into the canals of the ebony tree, which stood just next to the entrance of Rheynne’s castle. Two gorgeous trees dripping velvet red drops off their spiny tipped branches onto the footpath, added only to the dismal castle scene where a girl stood behind a large window. A robe of see through white translucently gliding over her almost flawless body to flush upon the floor where it spread like octopus legs around her pasty feet. She was gazing with unseeing sleek, silver eyes out at the storm; a sorrow filled them so drenching it could have out weighted the clouds pregnant with blood. Terra not knowing what to do, lost in her own labyrinth of thought, bit at her lower lip and stared vacantly at a playground a far distance away. (No children ever have time to play anymore. So much fear of the one who lies as if death ensnared upon the floor in her thrown room, the parents desperately trying to cram enough survival skills into their small heads so that they live past he dawn of their ninth year. That was when Rheynne thought their innocence gone. After ninth…)

(this goes in the erotica section)

The bed was huge. It’s black silken sheets slick as ice and shimmering in the dim candle like light. As a small girl with waste long black hair jumped onto the bed, footsteps could be heard outside.

A gorilla sized hand pounded the door. Squealing could be heard and loud slap echoed down the corridor behind the wood barrier. “You may enter.” The small girl replied, a tiny giggle escaping her raspberry lips. A broad man dressed in a long black robe trudged in. It seemed as if he carried his feet, but behind him, dragging on the cool marble floor, another girl.

“You may leave her there.” The small girl on the bed pointed to a rug on the floor right in front of a blazing red fire place. “Now be gone.”

“Yes Mistress Rheynne. My humble apologies for disturbing your sweet slumbers.” He whispered darkly, and then left silently.

Rheynne clambered out of bed, as young ones do, and walked over to the other girl. The other girl had long brown hair dark as new soil and skin only as pale as buttermilk with a few beauty marks aligned along her torso. Rheynne kicked her.

“Wake up you. Terra I said open your eyes.” The other girl, the one with the brown hair, Terra, stirred. A blue bruise was forming across her left cheek where the shape of hand could be made out. “Silly girl, you ran away again. Why do you ever do that? You know I will always catch you.”

Terra’s eyes shot open. Blood shot, but still a steely blue. Her eyes were like the blades that hung across the walls of the chamber. Even above the silken bed twin daggers of liquid silver glittered. Her upper lips quivered, but she kept still as a rabbit snared in a trap.

“Rei…Rei…” Rheynne turned her back almost playfully, even though she was 14 she acted as if she was younger. Maybe this is why she looked so. “Rei, I’m sorry. Forgive me Rei. Pleeeeaaaase. I don’t know what I do.” Rheynne turned on the girl, Terra, and smiled a doll-like smile.

“The slave has been bad…there must be a punishment.” These were the words that Rheynne grew up hearing. Her mother who was known as a harsh mistress used them. Even when Rheynne was a child she was beaten. Just as the slaves were. Every so often Terra would come into the room and find Rheynne so senselessly bloody that not even the most patent homeopathic remedies would help. This is how Terra learned her magicks. They were the only thing that had kept Rheynne alive.

But Rheynne was changing, and Terra felt the change. Just as she had felt this game that they had started playing only a while ago. Usually she could change the subject, make Rheynne think about something else, but it was too late.

“What is my punishment mistress…” Terra got up from her laying position and bowed humbly to Rheynne, peaking playfully from behind her hair every so often.

“Come to bed and you will see.” Terra followed like a dog. Rheynne got upon the bed. “Come here girl.”

Terra climbed up. Rheynne touched her hands to Terra’s breasts and a breath rasped through Terra’s lips. This was a different game. Never had Rheynne done this. “You will do as I say.”

Terra nodded, but Rheynne was already looking elsewhere. She moved her fingers to the lace bra that held the firm breasts of Terra up, and unclasped the clip between them. Terra bit her upper lip and preyed Rheynne would lose her lust.

“Please….” Terra pleaded with Rheynne

“Shut up Terra.” And Terra did.

“Now, kiss me.” And Terra did.

Eyes open with new life
from a dream of change.
With the vigor of a fierce heart
I shall rise to embrace a new world order.
The trials and tribulations on our path
shall not hinder our ambition.
For we are as new born Gods this day
and this realm is ours.
I have seen the scales of the blind lady tip in our favor
and I will not be the one to deny her.
Nay, we shall be her eyes.
we shall be her scythe with which to reap the harvest
and her hands to sew the new crop.
And like the Pheonix of legend
our world shall rise anew from the ashes of the previous.
And as we destroy this realm to make way for the new
this shall be our mantra:
Give us a solid grain of sand to stand upon
and we shall move the Earth.

when ever somebody watches a vampire movie…… don’t you ever go into that “depression” mode, i do, and i can’t help to wonder…… why i can’t be one of them, or why they HAVE to be fantacy. it sucks, but oh well, i am who i am

did you know that when you die, your just dead, nothing else can happen, you can’t really haunt people…….. unless…….. unless you worship satan and he would make you his “lil devils” but, there is no burning flames under ground. “hell” accually means the term “your grave”. but i love the fact that when you think about it, i want to be part of the flames, and i do want to haunt the people who laughed at me for being what i am, and who the rest of you people are. i would make them suffer so bad…… it would be very fun….. to watch the preps who laughed, finally become one of us…. but there is no such thing. but since i didn’t really die yet. i’m not possitive. but maybe there is….. maybe there isn’t. maybe its just a mind game, like one of those things that make you think a lot. do you agree so far??? but i think every one of us starts out with visions, then it just changes you…….. tell me if thats how you became one, because thats how my friend AND i became one, we had the same exact vision…….
we both had black cats….. and our vision was we cut the cats heads off, and we let the blood drip into a pot, then the vision went away, but tell me if you had visions. this whole vision thing freaks me out!!! now who agrees with me?

(death topic)
Blood daisies: The blood still flows, still grows…

Berlin,1945

He sat there, in this abandoned building, merely waiting to die. He felt the enemy close, felt death approaching slowly wanting to consume his last harsh breath. The blackened sky had fallen. In this deserted yet faltering night, all that could be heard was the loud thunder of devastating bombs and the roar of planes soaring above a dying land. Not much was left of his beloved city, Berlin was about to fall. He sat there, staying still, barely breathing and quite oblivious to what surrounded him. He was in his own little world now as his memories had a grip over his thoughts, over his decaying soul. The war had taken its toll over him. He was no longer a man, no longer a SS soldier; he had become a zombie. He could not deny his actions, nor could he forget them as he had stumbled upon the path they had opened for him, and he followed blindly…

Dachau, 1940

The prisoners came in great numbers, most of which were executed. Thousands died in a day either by being asphyxiated, starvation or disease. Within the barracks lied pestilence, disease, etc… as the sanitary measures had been overlooked. Herr Kleist had been charged to survey the crematory centres as well as all classified procedures undertaken within these faculties. One of his main purposes there was to shoot prisoners who wanted to escape. Easy job however his conscience had not been died during his training, and so this made it difficult for him. In time however, he was “promoted” to another job; he had been transferred to the medical faculty where we was charged of documenting all experiments undertaken. This assignment had turned him into the zombie he later became. Horrific experiments, inhumane and of the outmost repulsive taste had been made under his eyes. Patient 29570 left his conscience to burn him alive, left his mind in ashes…
Kleist was the one who brought the young woman to the medical faculty, to be experimented on, mainly for productivity tests and effect of drugs on a first stage fœtus. The patient was brought to the faculty, stripped of what was left of her clothing, disinfected and then laid and strapped down on a medical table. Herr Kleist remembered every detail of the procedures undertaken. They first proceeded to inject the female subject with great amounts of chlorexidine to see if it could be use for abortion. After a few hours, the fœtus had not come out, yet the woman had had a few seizures and had been vomiting. They decided to use another form of abortion which they had created which consisted of a long metal rod, curved at the end with a few more hooks attached at the end. They inserted the woman with this rod, rambled about and pulled out the uterus, intact with the fœtus inside. No anaesthetics had been used and the woman’s screams had, until his death, haunted the soldier. The echo of her lament burnt into his skull like a bad dream. The subject was still alive, scientists decided to ease their burning curiosity. They decided to test the subject by putting large amounts of O2 in her blood and seeing de origins of the gas embolus in the brain. After she had died of this O2 intoxication, they autopsied her brain, and, as any other of their experiments, found no results.

This was one of the events that had left the SS Soldier Kleist broken. Over a period of 3 years or so countless experiments had been done and classified , most came with no conclusions….

Berlin, 1945
Debris were falling on him, soldiers came dying beside him yet he felt, saw nor heard any of this. All that he could see was the darkened look upon a woman’s face, lying down on a medical stretcher, her brain uncovered, blood still running through her thighs… Blunt eyes, expression of pain in her eyes and the illusion of her whispering: “you saw it all, you’re next” coming from her cracked lips. The screams still haunted him, they were killing what was left of his soul. The memories were all that he had left, memories that he did not desire to possess. Coming out of his daze, he stood up, took off his helmet, his gear and slowly started walking through the ruins of Berlin, walking under explosions, bombings, gun shots and beside dying souls. He walked with an empty glare, knowing where to head. A scream coming from the depths of his conscience soared over everything: over the corpses, the blood, the pain, the agony, the bombs, guns, tanks, places, beyond it all. Into this clearing he headed, and then there was, for a slight moment silence. Screaming, he made a few violent steps into the clearing, one last move…onto a blood daisy. The scream met the vicious sound of the mine he had stepped on; nothing but remnants of his body was left. Victim of a blood daisy, or victim of his own conscience, whichever…they both lead to the same end…

There isn’t a single person in this whole world that isn’t selfish. Come on, lets be real here. Everyone is, everyone has been, and everyone always will be. Anyways, since we are selfish, does that make us evil? We all wish we could be unselfish for one reason or another, but still, because we aren’t, does it make us evil? But isn’t it also funny that people don’t want to be evil b/c they fear that if they are evil, they will go to hell? That’s still being selfish. So we try not to be evil for our own soul’s sake, when we should really try not to be selfish for the sake of other people around u, at least thats what the bible suggests. i don’t kno about u but i think i’m starting to second-guess this “holey book”. Anyways, thanks to those of u that have decided to read this brief, yet complicated thought.

hey , have any of you played ALICE by american mcgee’s alice? if so could someone tell me where i can get a large picture with most of the characters that i can have used as a tatoo ? please tell me !

sobs_of_silence@yahoo.com

She holds her wrist,
tries not to cry,
the pain is so deep,
she wants to die.

a simple cut,
and nothing more,
she silently watches,
her blood hit the floor.

she shuts her eyes,
the memories awake,
she distinctly remembers,
how he made her heart break.

if he did’nt hurt her,
she’d still be alive,
but because of him,
she had to die.

Todays the day my Life will change. It will change for the best it will change for the worst. I dont know quite yet if it has to do with everyone around me. I just hope that everyone can see. That Im hard on the outside but not on the inside. I know some people already know. But im not quite sure you do but I can show. My heart is open to you and now one else. I hope you know that every sense the first day of class. I thought about you and fantisized. You know who your are. You know know this is all true. I just wanted to let you know because I love you.

Cragged vessel hewn with thought.
Who’s timbers of want are bound by uncertainties.
Motioned by sails of desire.

Bourne adrift on tides of need
Winds speak words
Tears on each waves wake.

Would you not fetch upon the rocks
To easy your load upon the edges
To sail my mind no more

To have this captain rest.