Entries from July 2003 ↓

Concrete wall to wall
Payin somehow it wont fall
All I do is pray
But still can’t get away

The darkness covers me
Afraid but I can’t see
What’s the point , I’ve given up
No need to try, I’ve had enough

Pollution suffocates
Maybe its far to late
Acid rain falling down
Maybe this town will drown

Nonsense is all I hear
Causing so much fear
People running down the streets
No time to stop and great

Buildings block out the sky
Government sentenced us to die
Is this the way it has to be
Living in World War three

Bombs flying through the air
Screaming everywhere
Locked in this damn cage
We cant control our rage.

Hatred filters through
~Leanne

My world,
It’s own painful reality.
My soul,
Stricken with sorrow.
My hope,
Dissipating into regret.
My heart,
Shallow and worthless.
My eyes,
Tear stained and blind.
My reality,
So cold it burns,
Sickening and regretful.
I’m trapped in this morbid place,
This hole inside,
Flooding with crimson water.
The water that once saved me,
Nourished my body.
The water that is now forcing me down,
Drowning in the pain of my reality.
I can not breathe
The suffering is too powerful.
As I give into the demons,
The demons that haunt me.
Demons that make the reality of the world so gruesome,
So hateful.
These demons that hide within me,
Taunting, screaming, crying.
I have no escape
No where to hide from the reality inside.
~Leanne

Misery is how I feel
Sometimes it’s too real.
I saw death & laugh in it’s face
But I know it’ll end my fate.
When angels stop dancing around
It’s because it’s coming now.
Death isn’t eveil or good
It’s just doing what it should.
When it lost me,it got pisst off
But that to me isn’t enough.
I feel everyday it’s watching me
Wanting to watch me bleed.
Take a knife,
Cut my vains,
End my life,
Let it rain.
I won’t please it
I won’t leave it.
I’m not gonna lose control
So it’ll take my soul.
I brather laugh at it’s face,instead.

such promises you made. was everything we had a joke? you seemed so carring so alive with hope. that world came crashing down. now i sit in this world of dark dispair. my heart aches for something it has never known. its just one more scar, it blends in so well with the others. your blood seeps slowly into the dirt. back to that whore of a mother who brought you screaming into this world. and i the one that took you out. a crimson pool and everything becomes undone. everyone leaves sometime. i just brought the end before you could.

(Small writing about an Ex of mine whom I hate with a passion for cheating on me, I commend his painful death.)

Alone, wishing for what was once there
Missing your perfect hair
Remembering your emotionless eyes
When we said out goodbyes

You said I was just too different
I said this is the way I was meant
You said you would always love me
I said this isn’t how love should be

Remember our first kiss?
It is the bliss I will greatly miss
Now I see you from a distant stare
Sorry, sometimes I can’t help but glare

So you say something is gone, an empty space
Well I though I was there to fill that place
I thought that until I caught you with her
Is that what caused this cheating spur?

Now it’s the end
Once again my life seems to bend
Your painful death I commend
Since you are not near even a friend

[Cheater, Cheater
Poison eater
Woman beater
Now I poison you, by the meter.]

I wish for you to be well
I wish there were a way for me to tell
Not to live in this perpetual hell

I wish there were a simple way to die
I wish there were a way for it to all fly by
Not to always feel the need to get high

I wish I were your one main care
I wish I could be one of a perfect pair
Not to feel like I can’t grasp the air

I wish I were so very brave
I wish my life were an exciting rave
Not hidden away in my bedroom cave

I wish my life were more wild
I wish my mind could be more mild
Not to be treated like a child

I wish my parents would just shuttup
I wish I weren’t such a fuck up
I wish people would just accept me
But hey, that sounds like a stupid plea
I wish… I wish… I wish… try to be me

I have these unknown problems
They never go away
I want to die on wednesday
Hip Hip Hooray
Unknown problems scare me
my bedrooms black and red
People think I’m weird
I guess it’s all in my head
Unknown problems
It’s now wednesday
I now lay dead in bed

I’ll never forget that night. I was filled with so much happiness I couldn’t stop smiling.
‘Oh No’, I thought. Walking towards me was Stacey and her gang.
”Hey Gothic, nice night huh?” They laughed.
I carried on walking, ignoring their pathetic little jokes. As I walked past them I saw one of them reach into their pocket with an evil grin. I carried on walking.

BANG!

My mum slammed the car door violently and stepped out towards me.
“Where have you been Adi?” she said, sounding concerned about my well being for once.
“At Ebony’s… sorry” I sighed, obediently getting into the car. I shut the door and we drove off. I watched as Stacey and her gang pointed and laughed.
Next day, I woke up as mum drew back my curtains, the light shone intensely from outside. 10:30. ‘Damn, promised Ebony I’d go shopping’, I thought. I managed to haul myself out of bed and threw on some casual clothes from my drawer. As I tied my boots, I noticed a metallic glint reflected from the sun. I shuffled towards it through the piles of mess on the floor, and found the knife. This was my knife; I would take it for defence if I needed it. So I slipped it in my bag, just incase.
I walked swiftly to Ebony’s. I rang the doorbell. No answer. I tried again. Silence. ‘Where is she?!’ I whispered to myself as I rushed round the back of the house. ‘She better not have left me!’ When I got to the back I peered in through the window, to see an empty house. I wondered where everyone could be, so I phoned her mobile but no one answered. I decided I’d walk back to my house, as waiting for Ebony was pretty pointless. As I travelled down the hill I heard a car horn, and looked round as it startled me. I noticed, through the rolled down windows, Stacey in the passenger seat, with an older guy driving. It gained speed and pulled up next to me.
“Ewww look it’s Adonia!” she pointed, “She like, always wears black and she looks like totally disgusting.”
I stared blankly as the guy gave off a bizarre vibe.
“Awite love.” The guy said, with a strong cockney accent.
Again I stared blankly, completely oblivious as to what was going on, and finally said,
“Go back to the Nike shop where you belong.” As coolly as I could. This was a terrible idea. The guy looked enraged and viciously swung open the door. As he stepped out I backed off, not wanting to cause any trouble. I saw his angry face nearing mine and heard Stacey laughing in the background. His garishly large hands came toward my face. I screamed.

I looked around. I was bound by rough, thick ropes on my wrists and ankles. I panicked and started screaming, until I realised I had been gagged. What was going on? I noticed I was sat up on a wooden floor with white walls. I was in the back of the van. As I glanced around I found myself naked. Gashed all up my legs and chest. Then all of a sudden I felt an immense pain that surged all over my body. It felt like someone had ripped me up into tiny pieces and burnt me to cinders. A tear came to my eye and I started screaming again. Suddenly the van jolted and I rolled to the back of the van. I looked towards the door. All I could see was the tears welling up in my eyes. I saw a blur of the guy. He jumped in the back and closed the doors. There was light coming in from the windows and I caught a glimpse of his macabre smile.
“Hi.” He said, as if nothing had been done.
I screamed some more, making muffled sounds through the gag.
“You deserved it and I’m sorry.”
I looked at him, confused. Why was he saying sorry?
“It wasn’t that bad. I mean… it’s only a couple of grazes right?” He said as he came towards me. He took off his shirt and unbuttoned his jeans.
“..And I won’t hurt you again, after this.” The guy smiled wickedly. He took his shirt and tied it round my head to cover my eyes. All I could see was blackness. I could smell his deodorant right next to me. Suddenly I felt two hands running all over my body. I cried in despair but it didn’t seem to help. I was struggling and he slapped me round the face. After that it was silence. I got shaken by an intense throbbing pain inside me. I screamed as I was hurting immensely. I tried to blank out the pain, I tried thinking of my favourite song and humming it in my head. It was over. I heard footsteps and the shirt was whipped swiftly off my head. I felt violated and dirty, the hurt swept through me like 100 bullets. He grabbed me and shouted.
“If you ever tell anyone about this little incident… I’ll make sure you pay.” He looked at me threateningly and grabbed the ropes. He untied them, opened the door and chucked me on a pavement. I sat up and watched as he ran to the front of the van and drove off. I was lost, alone, and naked. What was I to do? I noticed my bag lying on the side of the desolate road. I picked it up and found only my knife left. I took hold of it, held it to my wrist, and sighed.
I’ll never forget that night. I was filled with so much sadness I couldn’t stop crying.

~+~*NocturnalAngel*~+~

So this site has been asleep for quite awhile now. May huh… … … yyyyyep. SOMEBODY should put up something new (HINT HINT). Or maybe SOMEBODY got shot in the head and is now a veggie sitting in a pile of his own shit and piss. Or maybe found a more interesting project…? Hmmmmmmm??? Ah, well….no need to rush. We’ll ALL still be here. Right?

I don’t really have anything to complain about or to say really. I’m just bored. I got back from camping the last two day’s and it’s to hot to go outside.
I write quite a few comments about shit. And i’ve realized that all the people who comment are always the same. Now some of these people agree with what i say, or they try to argure with it. I really don’t know where this is going. I’m just writing whatever pops into my head. So you can all ignore my post, but if curiosity gets the best of you and you’re wondering where my insesive jabbering will end up please read on.
I wonder how many people on this site actually are employed? I work in my parents restaurant. But not by choice, believe me if i could i’d quite, but it’s the only way i earn money. It pissed me off so many people think cause my parents are loaded that i am, but i’m not. I earn my own money. Although work isn’t too bad, my dad got a new manager, i grew up with his kids and they’re all pretty cool. But some of the good emplyees we did have went on to better jobs. If only i could. If anyone wants a job, don’t work in a restaurant, if you’re going too, work in back. Out front sucks, you’ve never met so many boring, bitching old people in your life. Shit, i have to get off, well if anyone wants to comment on my meaninless dribble, go ahead.

As I sit here in chair,
I act like I don’t care that I’m stuck here,
I hate life and myself,

I can’t imagine staying here,
Why do they want me to stay here,

Nobody knows or understands my pain,
I hide it inside of myself while watching the ball game,
Why won’t it end,
I should have never done it again,
I’m so lame that I can’t walk across the street without getting hit by a car,
Now just look at me I’m F.U.B.A.R,

I can’t imagine staying here,
Why do they want me to stay here,

I don’t worry about getting Aids,
I’m a quadriplegic how am I going to get laid,
I’m a fucking mess,
This is one statement that I will confess,

I can’t imagine staying here,
Why do they want me to stay here,

I need to kill my pain,
Take this needle my friend and end my pain,
These illusions in my head and I can not take anymore,
End my pain by sticking the needle in my vain,

I can’t imagine staying here,
Why do they want me to stay here,

Gravedigger when you dig my grave,
Dig it shallow so I can still hear the rain,

I can’t imagine staying here,
Why do they want me to stay here,

Words are meaningless letters thrown together… pick a word, any word, and say that word twenty or more times…now it is meaningless…there is no such thing as a weighty word…except for three…”I found you…”…scariest damn words I’ve ever heard… Imagine: midnight, the woods, a sick feeling you can’t shake…and that thing…your worst fear, hiding around the corner, watching you, waiting for you to slip up, so it can take its turn nawing on or consuming whole your body, the shittiest piece of this earthen vessel…pain…not the enjoyable kind…you’re so scared you can’t open your eyes, and yet something inside tells you to…you want to run, but you want to stand still and take it… maybe fight back, or colapse on the ground…and then you hear the one thing you really don’t want to hear right now…”I…”…oh god… here it comes…”found…”…if there is a god in heaven, i would willingly give up what little life i have left…”you…”…shit…oh shit…no no no no no no no……………………….

Blessed~Disease

I’m tired of the nightmares and reaccurring dreams,
can’t someone tell me what the hell it all means.
I’m tired of knowing i haven’t met my end,
and of knowing the fact i have no true friends.
My evil sub-consious is taking control,
someone should seal me in a deep dark hole.
I don’t know why i feel this way,
i just know it gets stronger each and everyday.
The horror i see each night in my mind,
the reason for this i still can’t find.
The ppl i trust i don’t know if i should,
i believe i should be in a box made of wood.
My life is hell that’s made up of lies,
and the only way out is if everyone dies.
I’m tired of the ppl who think it’s fun to lie to me,
but in the end they’ll roast in hell beside me they will be.
I’m tired of the users and ppl who’ve betrayed,
and they don’t even know i know i’m being played.
When i look into a mirror i see a demons face,
i no longer think i belong in this place.
A loaded gun i’m looking to find,
so i can leave this world behind.
I’m tired now i’m going to bed,
someone will find me with a bullet in my head.

My anger is building my hatred is high, some ppl are soon going to die. My nightmares are back my darkside too, and there’s absolutely nothing that i can do. The pain and betrayal that i have felt, why was it these cards i was delt. My heart is racing my pulse is fast, i’m facing that fact that this is my last. The last of my days the last of my pain, my blood leave my body through a hole in my vein. I have no friends and i’ve lost my lover, i have nowhere to go where i can seek cover. I’ve lost the battle i’ve lost my fight, all i do now is lay awake at night. I lay awake because of my dreams, is it because i don’t know what they mean. I’ve met a few ppl i’d trust if i could, but i still don’t think that i’m capable or should.

It really bothers me when my butterflies are pissed at me… butterflies: the inner-most-beings that reside in me…they won’t talk to me…they never really like me, but since they’re stuck with me, they atempt intelligent conversation…I really make them mad when I ignore them…They are so touchy… when I talk to a friend that I wish was more than a friend, they fly around and around… no it’s not the regular “butterflies”…people with weak or fried nerves have those… those are tweeked butterflies…wow, stoners in every world…anyway… Does anybody else have this problem?

The twisted throes of mortal woes
Brings about a darkly drove
By night and day they drive so deep
Forgings anew as sinners weep
The age they cry does exist no more
Passed on to the next, floor by floor
One by one they cringe and fall
Down to hell, one and all

(Gothic) Do you know why people lable us? Think about it. A lot of people take it too harshly and it makes them feel bad about themselves or whatever. You know what that does? IT GIVES THE PEOPLE WHO LABLE US POWER!!! That is why they do it. It makes them feel like they have the power and if you let it effect you then they DO have the power. Why do you wanna give that to them? Take the power away from them and rub it in their faces. If they call you a “freak” then say “thank you I take that as a complement”. They may think that they still have the power for just calling you whatever they did but really if you say “thank you” then you have the power. And who cares what they think anyway? if they wanna spend their time to insult you them let them but don’t spend your time worrying about what they said just walk away and let them laugh amongst themselves while you walk away with the pride that you’ve earned from taking their power away from them! And as for us labling them, well yes, we do call them stupid preps or jocks or whatever but we dont spend our time trying to make them feel miserable (or at least I dont). Labling may seem wrong but think of it as this way: If you saw a prep walking down the street or in the mall you lable or judge them as someone that you probably wouldn’t talk to or relate to. but if you saw someone that was dressed like you then you might think hey they look like someone that i would get along w/ or whatever. You see when you first see someone what they are wearing is all you have to tell you something about them. Is that so bad? I dont think so, but what is bad is if you hold your first impression of them w/out allowing it to change. What if the person that dressed like you was nothing like you except for the way that they dressed. Say you liked heavy metal and they (hopefully not considering that if they dressed like i do) liked n’sync. You probably wouldnt get along. So you should be open minded to anyone and not hold first impressions cause they tend to change. People lable poeple and will always do so until the end of our race but HOW we lable each other is the way that life can be made better. So don’t try to fight being labled because you probably do it to and it won’t ever change but don’t be one of the people who labels someone and uses it against them. Just keep it to yourself or use it as a way to describe them but don’t make fun of them for it because then you’re being just as bad as the ones who get their enjoyment out of calling you a “freak”. is that what you want? to get your enjoyment out of calling someone a name? I know that that isnt what I want out of my life.

topic/category thing : Darkness

cant even look my friends and family in the eye because it just makes me want to cry, theres a really strange feeling that begins in my throat and goes right down to the pit of my stomach, , it peaks to a really undescribable, in a way i spose high, feeling - like when you go over high bumps in a car or someting - at the basic line of the heart and stomach, only it isnt a good type of feeling like it’s comparison.

it hurts to swallow and it hurts to talk, it hurts to talk physically and mentally because you know when your talking to someone that theres no emotion in it, and that theres no real thought or enthusiasm or interest at all in that theyre saying and that affects both them and you.
it feels utterly desgusting to be in this body and to be looking at the world around…and you feel totally paranoid about the people close to you all the time watching…waiting for things to go haywire and fuck up, and it gets to you so fucking much that things do fuck up but it’s only because of the way youve been to them.

so every thing is you fault..it always is, eveything hurts and every passing car, every passing tree you just want to drive into and every knife in the drawer or sharp tool in the shed you just want to plunge into your throat or heart.

Piercings and tattoos on a guy is the sexiest thing I’ve ever encountered. Theres something about how the metal of an eyebrow ring or lip ring looks on a guys skin, or even just knowing the amount of pain that goes in to a tattoo. Guys in anything black is also a major turn on. The darker, more troubled men out there seem to hold a special place in my heart. I crave them. I crave the pain that they inflict on my life. Odd, but true. I envision a dark angel of my own, whom I will completely and utterly give myself up to. Someone who knows the depth of darkness that I feel.

Haha and this is the most random thing I have written all day. Funny how that works

Parties are supposed to be fun, right? You hang out with a whole bunch of friends, drink, listen to music, and screw around for hours. That’s what Brandi thought as she climbed in to her boyfriend’s car. She had been dating Adrian for a week now, and was still trying to find her ‘comfort’ spot with him. Even though she had been good friends with him before hand, she found that she was still a little shy around him.

At the party, Brandi met up with some of her closest friends and gradually drifted away from Adrian. It didn’t take her very long to forget about him all together.
It didn’t take her long to get drunk either. Within the first 20 minutes she had downed 8 shots of vodka, had shared a wine cooler, and had been sipping on a beer.
She spent most of the time laughing with her friends and making silly comments in her drunkenness.

Near 2am people started leaving, although a small group hung back. Adrian, two of his friends, and most of Brandi’s friends included that group. She saw Adrian over on a couch, talking with his friend, Gabe. His eyes caught a hold of Brandi’s and he signaled her to come over and sit by them.
Brandi laughed to her friends and left them, finding a seat on Adrian’s lap. Never had they gone farther then cuddling and kissing.
Laughing, he slipped his hand around her and grabbed her breast. Shocked and embarrassed, she pushed him away, which triggered a riot of laughter from Adrian and his friend. She stood up blushing, ready to go back to her friends. A hand grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

“Hey babe, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. What do you say we go outside and get some air.”

Reluctantly Brandi agreed, and she followed Adrian and Gabe outside.
The porch was littered with beer cans and empty cups along with someone’s jacket. She stepped over this garbage on to the grass. She sighed deeply, and breathed in the fresh night air.
Adrian and Gabe talked quietly behind her, laughing occasionally. Suddenly she didn’t hear them anymore.
She focused her ears, trying to pick up a sound, yet heard none.

Without warning, a hand made its way over her mouth, silencing the beginnings of a scream. Her assailant quickly pulled her to the side of the house; the side with no windows and lots of bushes.
She struggled desperately, thrashing her arms and kicking out. Her attempts made no contact and panic began to set in. Abruptly she was shoved to the ground and kicked hard in the stomach.
The hand left her mouth and she sucked in the air, as the pain made it hard to breathe.
She looked up and her eyes horrified her. There stood Adrian and Gabe to his left, who looked somewhat disoriented.
Adrian spit on her, and she turned away.

“Bitch! I’ve had to wait too long with you. You give me NOTHING. Well, I’m done waiting. Your going to get what you deserve!”

His hands went to his belt buckle, but he thought twice about it. Grabbing her hair, he pulled her to her knees.

“Take it off Bitch!”

She could hear the drunken slurs in his words, and she hesitantly shook her head.

He looked over at Gabe and smiled, he returned it with a slightly uneasy one. Then in a sudden fit of anger he slapped Brandi, almost knocking her to the ground again. He pulled out a knife and held it to her throat.

“If you don’t unbuckle my pants, You’re going to wish you were never alive!”

Feeling the blade burn uncomfortably against her throat, she did as she was told. The putrid taste of bile rose in her mouth, and she fought desperately the nausea that consumed her. She unbuckled his leather belt, feeling the hard core of his arousal.
She stopped and he motioned her to continue. Fighting back the tears, she stuggled with the denim of his jeans, trying to yank them down. She succeeded and pulled the front of his boxers down. She stared up at him with pleading eyes.

“Suck it. Now.”

With horror, she put the throbbing organ in to her mouth, feeling the full sickening length of it. He grabbed the back of her head, bobbing it against him. She fought the urgent need to puke, and flicked her tongue around the head, feeling his pre-liquid around the tip. Finally, he pulled her off, taking deep gasps of air. With one hand, he shoved her to the ground, and got on one knee.
She gasped with horror and tried to scurry backwards, but he grabbed her legs and pulled her under him. Brandi couldn’t believe what was happening to her. She saw her boyfriends cruel gaze and saw Gabe’s drunken horror. He made an attempt to leave, but Adrian shouted at him to stay.

“Don’t worry Bud, you’ll get your turn.”

He ripped at her shorts, pulling them off with ease, and ran his hand over her tiny black thong.

“Nice, very nice.”

She closed her eyes that were full of tears, as he ripped off her shirt and bra as well, leaving her bare to the elements.
He ran his rough hands over her body, bending down, to lick her pink nipples. She could feel a desire rise in her that made her even more sick with disgust.
He shuddered with arousal and slid her thong off, revealing her womanhood. Pinning her beneath him, he drove in to her, cruelly descending through her virginity. He gasped, and dug his fingers into her as his body pounded against her, sending her painfully against the ground beneath her. His thrusts grew in extremity until they were so painfully hard that she almost couldn’t stand it and screamed. Gasping, and angered, he slapped her full force on the face.
With one final thrust, his body groaned against her, and he was still, releasing his sperm into her.

Disengaging himself, he quickly pulled up his pants. He looked at Gabe and patted him on the back.

“Ok your turn.”

Gabe, took a step back, too shocked for words.
Angerliy Adrian shoved him forward.

“Damnit, if I had to, you have to too. Now get your pants off and fuck the bitch!”

Brandi lay on the ground, completely exposed, crying even more as she saw Gabe descend upon her. Gently he turned her over and whispered a quick ‘sorry’ in to her ear. Entering through her butt, he pounded into her with hard, desperate thrusts. In a few moments it was over, and he to, pulled his pants up.
Adrian smiled down at her and spit on her once more.

“If you no whats good for you, you won’t tell anyone. Ever. Love ya babe.”

And with that he left, leaving Brandi there beaten and crying. After a few mintues, she gathered her clothes and put them on as best as she could.

The next day she broke up with Adrian and vowed NEVER to go to a party again. EVER.

You took away my anger,
only to give more pain.
You tortured this wandering stranger,
and left me with nothing to gain.
All I can do now is write,
of the memories and feelings inside.
Soon I will get my revenge,
and then there will be nowhere to hide.
I am the feeling that makes you look,
over your shoulder while walking.
Forever I stay within darkness,
forever I’ll follow you-stalking…

I’m a goth and have gone to a private school my whole life. Well In about a month I will walk through the doors of an unknown world to me, Highschool. I dont know anyone that goes there. I dont even know other goths. In my old school I was the only “freak” or whatever you want to call me. What i’m trying to say is that i was the different one. Now I’m being told that in every highschool there is a thing called “Freshmen Fridays”. I’m not scared to go but just not sure how to go about the first day. This may sound stupid but the thing I’m worried the most about is Lunch. Yes, you heard it, Lunch. My boyfriend who already finished highschool tells me to go up to someone and sit next to them. I dont really feel comfortable about that so I’d like someone to help me on this and anything else i should know. In my old school people never called me a “Freak”. I guess that I’d known them since I was 4 and they knew me well enough to not judge me by what I wear and the ones that did judge me just went on with their lives and left me alone. But now with highschool coming I’m sure that I’ll get called a “Freak”. That doesn’t bother me in the least. If it bothered me then I wouldn’t be a “Freak” I’d be just like everyone else. But I want to be like I am and if people don’t like it then screw them. I’m not afraid of being different but I am worried that there won’t be anyone else like me at this school. Its a big school with 1.500 people but the last school I went only had 360 people in k-12. I’m sure there will be but Its hard to imagine there being someone else that has gone or is going through the same thing i am. So Please I’d like to see your comments on this. It would help me greatly if you would. Thank You all

*MorbidAngelOfBloodAndDeath666*

For Darkness.

Standing alone on the rooftops in the darkness of shadows bought on only by the misunderstandings and rabid ravings of those who have misunderstood. The never-ending cycle of the victim and the prey that thinks that they are the ones whom everyone must bare witness to their tragedies.

What tragedy? When I say to you what it is you want to hear you tell me that I am wrong and that what you want to hear is only what you want to say. But that is not what you tell me, but rather is what I must know through seeing through you. I know when you ask me what is wrong that you only want to tell me how your life is worse than mine.

The misunderstood ravings of a misunderstood mind. Every time you asked me what was bothering me I told you gladly and you never listened. Instead you heard only your own complaints, which you spewed meaninglessly afterwards. Falsely exaggerated claims pierce my ears and destroy my mind. You misunderstood what I was saying. I did not want to know what was wrong with you, because there is nothing to say. You’re a liar, full of filth and scum. But I know the truth.

You think you know all. You think you know best. You want to change me, believing that I am the one who needs to be changed.

But this time it is you who are wrong… this time it is you who misunderstood.

The lid goes down
nothing comes in
nothing goes out!
Does that scare you?

The kiss of death
the sinfulness
the tender touch
to love so much
the tainted whisper
the silent breath
The bitter taste of my sin sinks in
so sweet the act so bitter the taste
Now left to live with myself, YES LIVE
today, tomorrow and forever, to bad today shall be your last
I watch as you gasp to take in air
so sweet our sin and soon you to shall live again
and so LoVeLy the sin we will be in

Why am I here? I don’t remember anymore… How can I stay here, locked in this room when it’s driving me mad. And I knew I’ve always been a little…eccentric–crazy even, but now I believe I may truly be going insane! They’ve grounded me; locked me inside my little box. But it’s alright because it’s my box filled with my things…it’s cozy; it’s dark. But now I talk to the things in the air, more so than before. And my other voice is stronger now, yet it’s still me. In my head I see the emerald cliff and I scream…oh so loud. And I love it! Goddess, if you’d only let me scream, let me be a part of the night again! I don’t know what to do. Before, I knew why I stayed “good”, knew why I had 4.0s and stayed away from drugs and sex and what not and so fourth. It was so I could get out; easy ride, one step closer to my one-way ticket. Yeah. But now… Hell, maybe I like it! What is it to them anyways. They love me. But I don’t want them to love me… Isn’t life ironic? How can you not laugh? HA! All I want is to be gone; I don’t care where or with who, just not here…not here. And not with them. I hate their love for me, because it holds me here. And because my love for them makes me hate them. What am I to do when all I have left is my sanity…but now I’m not sure if I even have that. My mind’s gone; it’s not mine anymore, they’ve made sure of that. And I let them, dammit I let them! Because that was the only way I knew for sure I would get out. But now I can’t, and nothing’s sure, nothing ever is, though. I supose now I can either run…or stay here. And I think I fear more what would happen if I stayed, rather than face the ultimate unknown. What would you do? Stop it! Nonononononono. I HAVE TO GET OUT! Let me go, Diana, let me be in the sea…under the moon…night. Let me think, just think. No questions asked. Don’t ask questions. And don’t save me.

Im tired or trying
Im sick of crying
no one even cares
yeah im smileing
but inside im dying

bleed me out
suck me dry
drain my blood until i die
no more love, only hate
disterbance is my fate
suffocate
strangle me
parolysed frequently
oh my god!
please kill me
please!
kill!
me!

A life has lived
a story has begon
through all of this
no one won
a life of sorrow
with no tomorrow
everything will be gone
through good times and bad
I was always sad
there will be no tomorrow
behind my depression
I was sad
sad because my life
the life i never had
too bad no one cares
The time has come
I hope you had fun
you have won

The pain tears at my heart, ripping it to shreds as I read those words over and over again. Not knowing if he had truly meant it.

But looking over the length of the letter, and the things that he had said within it, surely enough it was all completely true.

Like a dagger, those words stabbed my heart, dug deeper and deeper until the blade was completely through. Bandages do me no good, and a couple of my closest friends have no left me.

There’s nothing left for me but lies and hurt.

If one has nothing to gain, one has nothing to lose…

…If I have nothing to gain…

…Why do I feel like I’ve lost everything….?