Entries from August 2003 ↓

Tattered skull, ruptured lungs
Swimming in a pool of blood
As time ticks by,
The end draws near
Closing in on all you fear
Veins popping through the skin
Hands are severed, wrists are slit
Eyes bulging out of the head
Watching everything as it slows
All the blood makes a stream
Strands of muscle torn apart
Fingernails embedded at the waist
Look into the eyes so dark, so cold
Them are the eyes of an empty soul

I stared into his eyes for hours. I would imagine them Changing from the dreary gray they were, into the deep green that were her eyes. He stared and questioned me, “Why is it that you stare into my eyes the way you do?” Continue reading →

I take a deep breath
That seems so hard to do now

The room seems darker
Like im not alone anymore
Theres someone waiting for me, I can feel them

My minds telling me to go to them
Let them take me, finially
But im scared

Its darker now
The noises are getting louder
I curl up in the corner of my bed again
Im tired, and I wanna sleep now

What will they do to me
How can they hurt me anymore?
…I remember me again
Before they came, before they started looking for me
I don’t know what I did, what happened?

I just started hurting
Like I wasn’t complete, like I wasn’t ok
I wanted so much, then I stopped
I don’t think I want anything anymore?
I don’t know my way around me anymore
Everything you did caught up with me
Its tearing me down… its craving more and more

How do I stop waiting for something
that’s not coming, never wants to come?
How do I rid everything from you, from them
I close my eyes, hoping they will just leave
Want no more

There coming to me now
…im so scared!
I can hear them breathing
Touching me, pulling me, is this it??
Im not strong enough, they know it!
I cant see anything, any light is gone….its there time

They come when no ones around, when no one can see
But I feel them, I hear them
I see them!
Their the image of me…
and everything I lost along the way!

I curl up in the corner of my bed again
They had their way with me
They won in a battle I stopped fighting a long time ago
They left me crying again, sobbing for something
Will I find it before they find me again
Or will I even begin looking?

you could look into my eyes
your words so easily said
you dressed it up, made it some sorta wonderful
something worth time, really waiting for
yet you jumped so quickly at the chance

someone so willing, you turned into you own lil game
with compelling words, memorable feelings
it was supposed to be special
…it was for me…

one nite of something turned into a long time of thinking
never forgetting, i always remember
you always apologize, but for wrong reasons
im sorry is a constant part of you?
your sorry for my feelings, your sorry for me
im only sorry for caring, making your happiness important

is it ok to love you?
is it ok to hate you?
feel nothing for you anymore, never try to?
i try to walk away from you..
im only walking in circles
the one person i envy, the one person i miss
is the same person im trying to get away from
…. but still stumbling over!….
-(march 9th, 2003)-

this has been eating away at the back of my mind for a couple days now. edgar allen poe. he wrote some pretty dark shit, and then some. but was he a bad guy? its not meant to make him seem like a good one, i am honestly clueless to whether he was a good man who just wrote the dark shit that was in his mind, or whether the darkness within him was on the outside too. (obviously some, he was a manic depressant and a drunkard) i mean, if you have all these dark freepy stories that you write but youre a good person, do you still go to hell b/c of the darkness inside your mind that you pour out into writing? or do you go to heaven, b/c you pour the darkness into writing instead of onto the people that you see every day? ~Justine

You told me you loved me
Yousaid that you could see
inside and the real me

I said go to hell
when what I did was really yell
i bet you could tell

Or were you to busy?

Finding other girls
giving them that lovely twirl

I know you and you’ll never get away from all the shit you put me through
and I you were always with your crew
As I drew
our dream house
you said that i WAS AS UGLY AS A MOUSE
You hurt me
But its time for you to see

that I CAN beat you
I can own you

So here are my demands!
that you need to start acting like a man
and Im tellin you this now I am taking a stand

And that this is thee END…

I have been an outcast my entire and unlike a lot you, I have not enjoyed being different. I had a terrible inferiority complex because I believed the lies of those little bastards and I learned to hate myself. In school I was the guy nobody talked to or even looked at for that matter. I always sent out these vibes, don’t fuck with me. I just wanted to be invisible and have everyone leave me alone. I would sit at my desk in class and not say a word to anyone, ever. Imagine doing this for six years and you might begin to know the nightmare that was my adolescence. I didn’t belong to any clique, I had maybe one friend. I figured if anyone gave me attention it was going to be negative so I avoided everyone for six years all the way through junior high and high school. I could not stand the jocks, they made me sick to my stomach. They were so stuck on themselves. I hated people like that who thought they were so superior to everyone else. These kind of people were really the weakest people of all because they depended on everyone else to feel good about themselves, take away their money, their good looks, their popularity and they would have nothing, they would probably kill themselves. People who need other people to feel good about themselves truly have no inner strength, it does not matter what anyone thinks of you. What matters most is that you know and love yourself for who you are. I am not Goth, you would not believe me if I told you what I was, but I can totally relate to being an outcast. These people made me feel so shitty about myself that I literally felt as if I had no right to live on this planet. I had the lowest damn self esteem you can imagine and I hated myself and everyone else too. God, I still have nightmares 20 years later about these punks terrorizing me. There is nothing wrong with being different, who says the in crowd can dictate who is better or worse? After highschool most of them were probably lost anyway. Celebrate you uniqueness!

Inside of you I see, a beautiful, beautiful child,
and when you smile at me; my heart does sing
a sweet melody, when you smile at me.
It is like the touch of an ocean breeze
that brings me such peace.
I hear the waves of the ocean;
crash so gently when you smile at me.
The love that I feel for you
makes me tremble to the core.
When you smile at me, it is like a rose
coming into full bloom.
You have touched me so.
When I try to touch you back,
you stab me; you stab me
with your prickly thorns.
For you say you love another.
You come to me in confidence and then you pull away
as if I never knew you.
I feel tattered and worn, I find myself constantly
pulling out your thorns.
And then you say you love me,
but then you never stay, I have never felt such pain,
as when you walk away.
Once again you smile at me and I have never felt
such peace, and my pain, I soon forget.
If only you could know the joy you bring,
when you smile at me.
Not to be with you is tearing me apart,
and not to know your love for me,
is as acid dripping through my heart.

Dear Moderator, While I will be suprized if you actually post this poem, I thought that I would give it a try anyway. It is the darkest stuff I have. I dare you to post this poem.
I wrote this poem because at the time I was being tormented by
evil spirits and I wanted to in a manner of speaking get a confession from Satan,
to know what he was really like. To capture his “essence.” As I wrote it, it was as if he were speaking right in my ear. Enjoy!

“Author of Sin”
I’m the author of sin, the father of lies.
I hate myself. I want you to die.
I am consumed by my own hate,
my lust and rage for your life.
It’s my condemnation.
Envy is my companion and there is my brother jealousy.
Why do you ever trust me?
Don’t you know that I seek to devour you eternally?
When will you ever have enough of my emptiness?
You think that you can consume me,
but in yourself you are lost.
I am the one that is eating you alive.
Can’t you hear me screaming at you?
“I hate you! Die, die, die.”
That is my scream from Hell.
If you listen to what I say,
then you will die every day.
I’m deceived by my own lies.
How I burn to keep you blind.
My seething fury is building scales on your eyes.
I tell all who will listen; I have the truth.
But I’m full of empty promises.
Yet you still give me your all,
just to die for my wretchedness.
I will become anything to you so that I appear as your friend.
The truth is that I will betray you to no end.
I crave your misery; your sorrow is my joy.
I love it when you hate yourself too
because then you become my toy.
As dark as I want to be,
don’t you see that I’m never wrong?!
I’m not guilty!,
But I hate you more because I’m diseased.
There is no comfort where I am.
I will die eternally.
If I stall you long enough and tell you not to fear.
Perhaps you will never see that I hate you with a fiery passion
and that to live for me is eternal destruction.
Close your eyes; close your ears.
Please don’t listen to what I say.
For I am always trying to kill you now and
if you are willing,
I will take you to be with me to die eternally.

Did you ever wonder why,
he sits there with a sigh,
never saying a word?
He cannot even begin
to express what is within
the yearning of his heart.
He is a prisoner of fear,
the worst that one can bare.
He is inferior in all ways.
He bares his shame every day.
No one else can ever get inside.
In his shell, he is fortified.
He is starving for a friend,
yet, his mistrust knows no end.
Must protect, must keep safe,
must guard oneself at all cost.
The one thing is though,
he can never count the loss.
The prisoner of fear is his own worst enemy.

dreaming the days away
forgeting the pain we shared
holding u tightly
your sweet embrace
feeling you lips on mine
forgoten how that felt
your eyes are diamonds
in this world of coal
you are my angel
when i am so cold

so please hold me tightly
as the fires burn nightly
the flames laughing in my face
the screams and shouts of the dead
keep running through my head

please hold my hand
through this graveyard of hearts
our odds are unlikely
but try telling our heart’s
and we’ll make you feel the pain tonight
you’ll see the devil her self
and it will be so unreal

please hold my hand
through this shit called life
i need you
i want you
for all of my life
the pain i feel just goes away
when your with me every single day

so please hold me tightly
as the fires burn nightly
the flames laughing in my face
the screams and shouts of the dead
keep running through my head

Journey into a soul
into a soul doomed
heardened heart of life
soul dimly entombed
strolling through the endless abyss
catch the scent of agitation
learning of souls corruption
fake gods leading it to damnation
fire growing
glowing of deception
contraception for the heart
dont make the connection
understand the impossible
kill the fake and weak
when living life thought only pain
life is only bleak
living under evils wing
set all your mind free
singing the song that death does sing
bringing me to my fate
damnation of life
thumbing through my hate
you cant see love that is not there
leaving all that is good behind
for, the death of my soul is all that you derive
from the end of deaths journey
nothing will survive

confined
alone down in my cell
i feel solitude
and i need help
scared and alone
i scream out loud
waiting hoping to remove the cloud
confined
trapped inside my shell
i feel pain
and i need help
scared and alone
i wait for the end
i wait for the time i will decend
Confined
dead as proven by the church bell
i feel closure
and i dont need help
no longer scared and no longer alone
i am finally, truly home

This is to whomever will listen and give me some advice. i have never really asked for advice before. but i’ll find a place to start with my rambling story of how my life became shit. this has nothing to do with me being “Gothic” or a “freak.”

About a month and a half ago, i was living in this apartment in my name, i paid all the bills, i even put the damage deposit. well throughout my time of living there i wrote my poetry all over the walls, punched kicked and stabbed holes in the walls, and puched holes in and rammed my face through a closet door. also i cut out all of my screens so i would always have a way of getting in if i forgot or lost my keys. well, one day my girlfriend was over at my apartment and she is still a minor so, of course, her mom came to my apartment looking for her… YaY, always fun…
Her mom was with her friend’s mom at my door. Naturally her friend was over there as well. We were smoking weed when they showed up at my door. they were pounding and what not. i eventually opened my door once my girlfriend and her friend escaped through one of my windows. when i had opened the door, my girlfriend’s friend’s mom (named Shirley) stepped her foot over my thresh hold. automatically i told her in a calm but ferocious voice “Don’t cross my thresh hold” She yelled at me “give me my daughter.” it was then when i raised my tone “DoN’T CrOsS My ThReSh HoLd!” She continued on her begging and pleaing for her daughters release from my “Child Molesting Grasp” then i yelled at her repeatedly “DON’T CROSS MY THRESH HOLD!!!!” i HAD YELLED IT CONTINUOUSLY because i had to cut her off every time that she had tried to talk. When i had yelled at full compasity. she backed off. i think she did out of fear. she stumbled back as if i had hit her. but in all reality i was the one in pain. I had yelled so loud and so hard that my jaw felt as if it were tearing itself from my face. my throat had a constant burning as if i had swallowed a cigarette. she then came back and stepped over my thresh hold again. then i told her with a raspy voice “move so i can close my door.” she didn’t. so i shoved her out of the way with the door, opened it until it was completely ajar, and slammed it in her face. Shirley called the cops saying that i had kidnapped their daughters and i was forcing them to do drugs so that i can rape them without struggle. horrible thought, isn’t it….?
The next morning, my manager came into my apartment and looked around at ALL of the damage. then she pounded on the bedroom door, where i was sleeping. i didn’t sleep much and still don’t, Insomnia is a burdon sometimes….
so when i heard her pound, i yelled “WHO THE FUCK IS IT?” out of anger of disrupting my slumber. she said “your manager…” I opened the bedroom door and asked “what do you want?” She went on complaining about the damage to my apartment. she said that it was excessive. i told her that that was the reason i put a damage deposit. but i knew damn well that the damage exceeded the damage deposit amount. so then i stopped caring about everything… i didn’t even want to do any drugs that day… that is how much i did not care. by nightfall i became extremely bored so i told my “friend” to acompany me on a quest for some fun… he asked jokingly “are we going to break into some cars?” in reply i said “no, we are just going to go on a walk and go into random cars and take shit.” i don’t dso that shit on a regular basis, i was just extremely bored. not to justify my actions or anything…
later that night my “friend” and i got caught by the cops and go arrested… i knew it was going to happen. i had a gut feeling. so i allowed it to happen. my “friend” ran from the cops while i just stood there. i took him with me to drag him down with me. we spent 20 days in county jail and he got out 1 day before me. when i got out, i walked 21 miles west to my town where i lived recently. when i got there no one i knew was home so i walk a total of 65 miles that one day. now i have no job, money, home, food, car, friends, or family. all i have is my girlfriend. that is all, and the living day by day being stupified off of drugs. but i don’t give a fuck about drugs. i do love my girlfriend, honestly i do. i care too much about her to go and kill myself. if i hadn’t known her, i would be dead right now. and i am truly not afraid of death.

If you have and comments, suggestions, advice, EtC…
Please respond to this post. i am stuck in a rut. i don’t know how to get out of it. i can’t get a place in my name because they said there was $3,458.76 worth the damage. eh, i’m such a disappointment.

!~AtReD~!

Dry your eyes
Fake a smile
Hide your scars
Rest awhile
Wrap yourself in misery
My blood to keep you warm
So bruised, broken tainted
Bask in the glow of denial
Slave to the razor
Chain’d to the mirror
Sweet 16

I don’t know where I am no more and I don’t know what to do. Should I run again? Should I try killing myself again? Should I get help? what help? No one likes to talk to me cause I am just another person that supposiably wants atteion. Trust me if I wanted atteion I would have killed myself. I love my mom more that anyone she has been there for everything. I hated my mom last year for so many reason but this year my bestfriend was just taking by DYFS and I now longer can see him and I lost the only love in my life and she has helped me so much. I cry for hours and days. Its like I am a broken faucet and it unfixable… I need help. I need to feel loved I want people to stop hurting me most of all i want to be found…….. Where am I?

Thy was a butterfly,
a whisper in the breeze.
A fairy who shined bright,
and never failed to please.

Thy was that one,
walking you through a door.
A door to God’s son,
who held love and gifts galore.

Thy was there helping you,
throught your umbearable dread.
Thy never left you,
no own tears did thy shed.

And when thy angle,
became thy Night,
Thee did not wake me!
Or feels thy’s fright!

Thus now I ask thee,
please stir Night’s stars.
Chase away the banshee,
that caused all thy scars!

Thy must know,
from that ray of light,
Does thy angelic face still be owned?
Or am thy always to be Night?

~*Flamingwings*~

Bloody tears
Full of tears
Don’t know what to do
I’m so confused

Eyes open to explore
eyes shut to adore
Theres my love walking out the door
And think that this is war

Wondering why
he didn’t say good bye
Theres nothing left in this world to do
And still I am very confused

Thinking of death
Thinking of life
While I’m looking at this knife

Thinking one slit fine
and thinking I’m comitting suicide

So tell me am I dead?
Or am I still alive…..

You hurt me once, You hurt me twice
I thought for you it would suffice
And then you hurt me again
So I’m gonna sit here and then
I’ll write what I want to shout
Everyone thinks I’m crazy when I open my mouth
I dont understand
What did I do to you?
Do you yourself have any clue?
No you dont because I’ll tell you why
You’re a sadistic bitch who enjoys making me cry
Nothing more, nothing less
I hate you now, I must confess
And I’m glad

im depressed
but i dont know why
i want out of this mess
i should just die
i look around
and all i see
is the trouble and the hate
i dont know who caused it
but i think it was me
i lost my best friend
all to stupid shit
i lost more friends
all because i wanted her back
now i sit here with a razor
hoping to be saved
then i wake up
in a white padded room
ive gone insane

she sits on the bed trying to figure a way out of what they’re about to do, then its time no backing out now she has go.They walk slowly to the door of the basement trying not wake up their grandparents thay have the keys now all they have to do is get in the car and go. She has to go with her cousin to prove shes not afraid of anything anymore, before she even knows it they’re in the car and halfway down the road she closes her eyes and try to think that its just a dream and it will all be over in a few hours but when she opens her eyes its not over not even close its just begining.They finally get to their friends house and Brittany and Danny get in the car with them now maybe everything will be ok she thought. They all ride around for a while until they decided to go to Matt’s house then they were almost there but Brittany and Danny’s mom finds them so they follow their mom for a while but then they decide to turn around and go to Matt’s house.They get to where they think it is and go to knock on the door then two guys came and asked what they were doing there, then they asked if they wanted to come in so they did. One guy said his name was Billy and the guy by him was David sothey talked for awhile then the girls were high so Billy asked if they wanted to watch a movie so they said sure and all sat down.Billy came beside one of the girls she was so nervous now Billy tilted her face towerd his and began slowly kissing her then he untied her pants and started fingering her she wasn’t sure what to do now so she just went along with it he asked if she wanted to go to his room so she said sure. he went and turned on the bathroom light and told her to take off all her clothes and get on the bed so she did what she was told he got on top of her and started kissing her neck and wispering in her ear. He startes slow then keeps getting faster she was thinking to herself “I wish I knew him”,”I wish he was wearing a condom”,”I wish he would just stop”. but he kept telling her that everything was ok.Then all of a sudden it was all over. He kissed her gave her a towl and told her not to ever tell anyone what happened then walked out of the room.She put on all of her clothes and went to find her cousin and told her she wanted to leave so they went to a house next door to call her mom as she was laying in bed that night she was thinking about what had happenedhe thought i can’t tell my mom what happened but she knew she would ask so she quietly walked into the kitchen to the gun cabinet she stood there looking at the guns thinking if she really wanted to do this then she thought her mom hates her now because she ran away she can’t tell her mom what had happened and if she ever did Billy would kill her, she slowly opened the gun cabinet got out a small hand gun and pointed it toward her head she counted to three then pulled the trigger she saw her whole life before her eyes,laying in the floor parents standing over her crying she wispers with her last breath I hate you this is all your fault

Ok in the beging of school I was a prep a little after school I was non prep but still pretty girlie than towards the end I was punk. Over this summer I have become total punk but now I like a little of the gothic style, but then also I like the tight jeans like preps do everyone tells me that if I dont find out what I am than I am a poser and I KNOW that I am definately not a poser what ever I say I can do.

It gets me SO FRIGGIN PISSED though I ask what do I say if they asked me what I am and I say I dont know and then of course they got somethin bitchy to say like hahaha ur a poser I even though I might not show it I get all pissed and depressed. And I just wanted to ask everyone one else is it a poser if you dont know wut u r in a style?

I cry with no tears
I die with no fears
I lie with no shame
I sigh to all who are the same
I shy from the world alone
I tie up my feelings that are sewn
My heart is hard from the core to the bare outside
I need an emotion, i need someone by my side
I have no one, or anyone, no reason to live
Thus i dove me unforgiven and unsensitive.

I love her…with all of my heart. Not this teen “puppy love” bullshit… I cannot stop thinking about her. Being in her mere presence makes me so happy, like everything in the world is well, she makes me forget how much i hate myself, how much i hate life, how depressed i once was.

But yet, the more i think about it, the more i think about her… the more i realize how much it is going to kill me when she ends it…and it will happen. I adore her, but there is only so much of my shit that a person can take, and she’s already taken a whole lot of it. Everyone else is shocked at just at the fact that she is with me at all, me being the school goth, and her being a normal blonde girl. We are an odd couple…but it’s still so right. I have a history of episodes, where i break down completely into tears, lashing out at everyone, yelling screaming, breaking anything that i come into contact with no matter what it’s significance is to me. I do not realize the damage that is done until after the fact, when it’s too late. A good example was my ex girlfriend…she doesn’t even compare to this one…she broke up with me because she couldn’t handle it…she couldn’t take my darkness, my depression, my need for someone to understand, and when it ended i fell hard. And when I look back on that night, and i think about what that did to me, I get scared. I get scared of what will happen this time. She is the reason why I am still here right now, she means everything to me. I would kill for her, I would kill myself for her… I grow tired of this. She is better off without me… It is not right for me to corrupt her this way, make her mind as foul as my own… I will save us both much pain and suffering. So I walk to my basement. My dark basement that has been so good to me over those hard times, where i sat and contemplated existence day in and day out. And i sit there and put on a cd that will soothe me while i reflect on our times together. Some music that reminds me of her. So I sit. I bring out my little blade. A tool that has also been most kind to me over those dark days. I don’t waste anytime, I drag the knife up one vein then the other. and alternate arms slowly as i begin to cry. I cry thinking of her. All the feelings I have for her, that will now be ever imbedded in my mind. I bring the knife to my throat and drag it across. One last tear falls and before I completely fade away I sputter out……. I love you…

Tempted by nothing, Bound by no pains,
My wrath is as fierce as blood surely stains.
Each part of my body, beaten and toned,
Each skill i posses, sharpened and honed.
An unstoppable weapon created by fate,
Controlled by this mind, Driven by hate.

I hold out a curved cold blade of silence,
No angel of light to show me true guidence.
The shimmering steel I lay to the ground,
Rage builds up, as my heart starts to pound.
I want them to suffer and die a slow death,
A grin on my face as they take their last breath.

I glance at a mirror and see my reflection,
Frozen and dark like twisted deseption.
No system of thought, No error to my ways,
As lifeless and void as a dead man’s gaze.
Driven by strength of which you don’t know,
Movement as silent as new fallen snow.

Time after time I try my hardest and best,
To pass all of life’s quaint little test.
A world full of people who laugh as I weep,
Don’t seem so amused as I put them to sleep.
A beautiful soul I want to show me the light,
And give me a reason to step out of the night.
But no one has feeling for such a black heart,
So this soldier forever be chained to the dark.

Feud, quarrel, or in simpler words,
fighting, the anger builds up, higher
and higher it rises, until you’re tired
of all the hurt and pain you suffer,
you burst in tears, agonizing screams,
pleading, stuck in the middle of a
torturous problem, which you have
nought to deal with, all you can do is
close up your heart, have no emotion,
no love, no feeling, your calloused and
cold hearted self is miserable, and wish
to be gone to a better place, thinking
this will never heal, it will not get better,
it will never be the same, people change,
some change good, some bad, some scar
you for life, which you will always remember,
this life is live, is like a wound.

Only the midnight time calls for my patience to grow
I’m growing thin in my skin again as the light shows
Though life is a treasure
But where is the treasure measured for this pleasure?
Forgive me, for I’ve fallen down to my knees
Not of repentance but of love
Love lost in my bloodstream.
Sleep is inimical to my life
Pillows of feathers are stuffed in bags
For my head to rest
But rest is a challenge because the world is drowning down…under the shallow.

The True pain of my
undoing is love,
Love is what breaks my
bondaries of fanasty and reality ,
The my pain of loss is the greatest
of any other pain of my pains,
My pain of loss is one many
of Death pirouttes,
My pain never leaves
it made my wonderful world,
Become a my life’s living
tourtue and misrey,
That is my true pain
of Love.

a love foreva lost lingers in my heart, You promised you’d call and u never did you said u would come but u never came i waited al day for u that dat and when u didn’t come i was so mad. till….. till i found out…. i found out u were dead! killed by a drunk driver my one true love takin from me! a love forever lost lingers in my heart!!!!