Entries from September 2003 ↓

watch my blood,
fall to the floor.
as it has,
many times before.
although, this time is different you see.
it’s pain caused from you,
this time it is not me.
you’re the one who’s making these marks,
its just my hand, my razor, leaving them.
these slashs are your words,
which has torn my heart apart.
these cuts are your looks,
which you gave me from afar.
my arms hurt badly,
but not as much as you hurt my heart.
you damnaged my body,
you ruined my soul.
I don’t know if I love you,
or if i completely hate you.
you see my tears,
but you don’t try to stop them.
you just sit back and watch,
as my body falls to the floor.
the blood comforts me now,
unlike you’ve ever done before.
the tears tears dissapear,
as the blood soon surrounds.
this is the last time i will hurt myself,
this is the last time i’ll have you hurt me.
for the solution to this problem is,
nothing more than death

(Feel), feel my pain,
it’s what I want?
no, who gives a fuck,
Im just stuck,inside my mind

(Hate),hate everyone,
they fucked me up as a child,
its so cliche, I hate myself

(But Why?)because i feel,
because I think,because I cant
release myself,because I’m tired
of laying down,becuase I just
wanna be a child!

(It hurts) that I can say
what the fuck I feel,because I’m
dumb,because I’m scared,because I don’t
want to feel ashamed,I don’t want anyone
to pity me!!, I don’t need no fucking help

And there’s a voice
I yells at me(you’re not a fag)
It makes me think(you’re not weak)
It screams at me(it’s dumb to feel)
It’s scaring me(you’re not a queer)
please mommy, make it go away!!

(Fuck)I’m giving up, cause I’m still hiding,
I say I’m fucked, but never why,and I can’t
express what is the problem,so I create,
this fucked up poem

(Lost)Is how I am,don’t say you care,
don’t say you understand, that’s bullshit!!
That’s why I dont talk,you can never understand,
unless you’re as fucked as I am

Now Im’m here laying in bed(say it!!)
I’m sorry mom, I’m sorry dad, I’m sorry sis,
I’m sorry, my friends, for waht I’m about to say
I Hate you all!!!!
Wish you were dead!!!!

(get up)
(grab that knife)
(kill them, kill them all!!)
(now cut your arm!!)
(feel your blood)
(Isn’t It warm)yes it is
(Don’t you feel calmed)yes I do
(now lay down,close your eyes)

I open my eyes again,
see a dark silouhette,and I say:
“mommy??, are you there??”
-No little boy, I’m not your mom,
but don’t be afraid,
I’ll tuck you in,
now you’re safe
I’ll read you a story,
now, grab your teddy bear,
close you’re eyes,
everything is now ok.
I feel her touch,
it’s very cold, but somehow,makes me feel ok
it feels so warm, so calmed inside, now I realized why,
because I’m dead

Let me bleed, delighltly come and save me
before i drown completely in my tears.
Thank for everything you haven’t done.
How can i tell you how i feel
if i don’t even know myself?
Even though you can only see
this big smile and this laughs,
you can’t see the part that minds
those bitter tears behind it.
But if you listen hard enough
you can hear my silent tears.
These types of tears are the kind
that won’t let me escape.
I’ve realized that I’m just
a complicated sin.
I don’t know how I’ve became a part of it,
or how to live this means.
So i need more.
Just give in to me.
Let me bleed.
And let me go.
I’m down to my last breath.
And shortly you will regret
And feel blameworthy,
But it will just be too late.
So go away and let me fade
into my silent tears… my silent tears.

This girl was a normal girl if you will. She had recently lost her mother i think and her attitude worsend every day. One night she came over to her freinds house. they laughed and had fun it really helped this girl out on the depression thing. Then,.. After watching a movie she leaves to the upper room. “Im going to meditate Ill be back whenever” freind, “Alright”.The girl is gone for about an hour or two till the freind hears a scream. The freind quickly runs up the stairs and finds a fog comeingoutof the door slot. *Opens the door* The freind finds the girl lying on the floor with pitch black eyes and a blue fog emiting from the room. TYhe giorl screams and thenlooses councisesness. Years go by befor she comes out of her weird state onlyto reveal she is completely differnt. Her hiegte grew to 5′11 and became extreamly stronger. Her sex prefrence changed and Attitude.
She rarly talks any more expection with her freind.

(* If your reading this Im sorry I promissed to keep it secret but its a buetiful story to imagine*)

I look upon his frigid eyes.crying asking why, how could he have hurt me so profound.truth is, i didnt want to knoe why all i wanted was for him to disappear, for him to fall off the face of the earth.he said”i love you i never meant to hurt you”all i wanted was for you to knoe wut ive done. how much anger and hate i feel as the days grow long and lonely in this broken home.i had no choice i had to let you go” youll never understand me! never! “.i stood there watching the floor for what felt like minuted but were mere seconds,i couldnt really dee the tears became a stream of flowing down my face.so warm yet i felt this shiver run through my spine.till this day i havent recovered from all the wound he gave me. they seem to still be fresh and flowing will the warm crimson.

when darkness falls,
im all alone,
a departed soul, friends unknown,
gun to head,
blade to wrist,
decisions to make,
to take the risk,
to end my life,
escape my pain,
to see my self with all but shame,
to end this game,
my febal life,
to make the choice,

And use this knife…..

Drop by drop
My life escapes…
Drop by drop…
Tears from my soul
Drops of life..
Tick tock
The clock couting down
Thump thump
The beating heart slowgin down
Drip drop
Tick tock
Thump thump
Only i hear these sounds…
Only i feel this pain..
Only i know how to end it…
Tick tock
The clock still couting down…
Thump…thump…
The beating heart slowing down…
Thump…
Thump…
One more time…and it will be done…
Peace…i hope to find…
Tick, tock
Drip drop
The broken glass in my hand…
The cold glass…cold as Death…
I feel the glass as it moves toward my scarred arm…
Tick tock
Drip drop
Thump…..thump…
The cold glass on my wrist…
Im almost done…Im almost free…
Tick tock..
Free from this world…
Drip drop
Free from this pain..
Thump…..thump…
Free from this Hell…
The cold glass…my tool..
I feel the sharp point pierce my skin…
The web of scars on my arm..my artwork..
And the cold glass is my my brush..my tool..
Tick tock
For you see…
Drip…drop..
Suicide and Death…are an art..
Thump..
And the glass…is my tool..and this…
Thump…
Is my masterpiece
Thump…
And my grand finale..
Thump..
Drip..
Drop..
The art of Death..
This is my Art..
Drip..
Drop….
And this…
Thump….
Is my finale…
Drip….drop…
….thump…
………

Drop by drop
My life escapes…
Drop by drop…
Tears from my soul
Drops of life..
Tick tock
The clock couting down
Thump thump
The beating heart slowgin down
Drip drop
Tick tock
Thump thump
Only i hear these sounds…
Only i feel this pain..
Only i know how to end it…
Tick tock
The clock still couting down…
Thump…thump…
The beating heart slowing down…
Thump…
Thump…
One more time…and it will be done…
Peace…i hope to find…
Tick, tock
Drip drop
The broken glass in my hand…
The cold glass…cold as Death…
I feel the glass as it moves toward my scarred arm…
Tick tock
Drip drop
Thump…..thump…
The cold glass on my wrist…
Im almost done…Im almost free…
Tick tock..
Free from this world…
Drip drop
Free from this pain..
Thump…..thump…
Free from this Hell…
The cold glass…my tool..
I feel the sharp point pierce my skin…
The web of scars on my arm..my artwork..
And the cold glass is my my brush..my tool..
Tick tock
For you see…
Drip…drop..
Suicide and Death…are an art..
Thump..
And the glass…is my tool..and this…
Thump…
Is my masterpiece
Thump…
And my grand finale..
Thump..
Drip..
Drop..
The art of Death..
This is my Art..
Drip..
Drop….
And this…
Thump….
Is my finale…
Drip….drop…
….thump…
………

well… i have that same problem to. Where im from its infested with teeny boppers and everyone i know likes rap and that teeny bopper shit and they call me freak and criticise me for being goth

I smile alone.
I cry alone.
I scream alone.
I laugh alone.
I bleed alone.
I die alone.
I am alone.

Sirens song oh so sweet
Mocking laughing and inticeing me
Darkness folding within itself
Blackest ocean of sorrow felt
Timeless spinning in the dark
Blooding dripping from heart to heart
the deep ocean of black
the void of everything
sirens calling
calling for me within depths the blackness
in this ever ending never beginning
Sea
Sirens i hear you
Im coming
Take me under the waves
I transfer to restful sleep
To be lost in the depths of the deep
By: Justin, Wiccaboy,Poet of Prophecy

oh how i wish she loved me. the cutting isn’t helping- no matter how deep i go. she wanted me at first, then drifted away when she saw my darker side. the only thing that’s keeping me going is my goth friends and the cold hearted cemetery.

The fear in which I live

The fear in which I dwell

Has taken what’s left to give

Its taken what’s left to sell

The chaos that surrounds me

The chaos in my mind

It’s what traps us, can’t you see?

This will be the end of man kind

Everyday the insanity reigns

Dangerously close to breaking

Constantly creating pains

No more, no more faking

Can’t continue with this anymore

The more I think the more I lose

No way to live through the open door

With these restrictions how can we choose?

Life no longer has sense

Fear is all that I am able to feel

Everything feeling extremely dense

Waiting for the universe to deal

Destroying what was once ours

these walls of fire consuming towers

the walls I built with my hungry hate

the walls which have no hopeful gate

no entry for me to help the caged

those within are entrapped and raged

those trapped within the fire

are the feelings I must acquire

to feel my loves touch, once more

but these walls they show no door

no door helps me out to seek

for who am I but the meek

without the one I so adore

the one I love knows me no more

slumber means two things to me

hope for death for me to see

and no matter what I do

I hope for the return of you

to a conclusion I have come

I hate myself, for what I’ve done

the lesions that I shall create

in my heart are all for hate

the pain I wield within my soul

my sorrow, I place on the coal

why can I not be free?

free from, my love for thee.

My bones are breaking, my body aching.

but physical pain to me means naught

as to the teachings that I fought

every man must learn for him

the pain hurts most from within.

opportunity has left, she has flown away

she takes my soul for another day

never for me to love I know

I have failed to learn, so my life shall go.

The sweet surrender of my life

for without you I trust the knife.

My life has no meaning,

uncertainty, lack of feeling

I wish for death to take me now

so no longer I long for thou

I ask, I hope, I wish, I pray

for my life to end today.

the pact which I have made within

my one “special” life, I shall not end

by my own hand I shall not die

so I pray for some random guy

to take my life, in anyway

I pray for this on everyday.

I don’t know what is wrong

the fear helps me write this song

without my hope I have nothing left

free from hassle or from theft

for in my soul now lies nothing

I smile because the end is always coming.

There is no end to my pain and sorrow

except for the one I wish for tomorrow

the inevitable feeling of deaths grip

whilst I sit here biting my lip.

hoping for that one true love

to fly to me like the dove

so I may smile as she sings

while death comes to me on swift wings.

My one true companion on my travel

is my friend death he helps me unravel

this mystery of life, this mystery of why

the ultimate question we ask till we die

to those who live in ignorant bliss

you shall never understand deaths kiss

death is not good, nor is death bad

but it is, the only answer to be had

My life as a human, has been quite swell

but the time has come for me to say farewell

I appreciate those I met on my way

it’s been a while since that fateful day

I was brought into this world in miracle of light

and now I return to the land of eternal night

but color no longer means anything to me

for now I am dead and no color I see

no sounds I can hear, no food I can taste

but death is something I can say I have faced.

nothing I touch, and no roses I smell

that tolling is coming now from MY death bell

no longer I worry, no longer I care

about how my life was so very unfair

I am peaceful now that I am in my grave

I apologies for the mistakes I have made.

for the trouble I caused, I meant no harm

my own selfish wants set off the alarm

do not be sad, there is no sorrow

I made my choice, so you should borrow

my advice to all, which goes like this

please do not live in ignorant bliss

make your choices stand proud and tall

the world is nothing but your own flaming wall

we are all just prisoners in this thing we call life

but life’s what we make it and I chose the knife

to each his own, and to all there choices

the choice I made freed me from the voices.

No matter how hard I try

I just can’t justify

What I’m doing, why I’m here

Why I try dealing with this fear

Day in and day out

The same old shit makes me shout

At the top of my lungs I scream into the night

It doesn’t help, just helps me put up with this fight

I’ve lost all reason, all feeling and care

I only wake up cause I dare to dare

I do not sleep yet I go to bed every night,

Tossing and turning, so I write by candlelight

I live each day in fear of the next

I keep feeling this life is a test

If it is I have failed, I have been expelled

Everyone has a story, and this story they tell

I find it hard to live; I find it hard to deal

When the world around me is a big spinning wheel

In this rat race we call life, we are ruled by fate

Who is it that controls us? Who opens the gate?

I live each day on the edge, my sanity breaking

While everything surrounds me is constantly faking

I dream about life, and I live in a dream

I wake up only to hear myself scream

The bane of my life, are those memories of pain

Every time I remember I get whipped with a cane

They hinder my future, they hinder my choices

They are what gave rise to these voices

As I lay here at night, in the dark, I am tired

But they do not sleep it’s as though they are fired

They obstruct my sleep, they obstruct my day

I feel slowly, my mind, my sanity fray

Forever moving round and round

And yet to this life we are bound

Stopping what comes to save

Not one of us is ever brave

Death is all that is real

Pain is all that we feal

Moving through my life

Searching for the knife

Praying serves me no more

God is dead forever more

No one left to answer my call

I am left to forever fall

Darkness approaches

It helps me it coaches

It gives me answers that I need

Its on the pain of others that I feed

The empty black used to scare

Now it is all I have left to bare

Its what has filled my heart

The darkness hits like a dart

I used to feel I used to care

Now with me darkness will share

There is nothing left for me to see

There is nothing left for me to be

Chorus
This is the pain I feel
This is the love I haven’t received
These are the scars that peel
These are the destroyed things I need

Pain lost in the 3rd sense
Creeping into the forefront
Of a withered battlefield
Pain brought back from a bang
Nothing is left
Nothing is remembered from the time the fat lady sang
Till Hell’s bowels opened again

Chorus
This is the pain I feel
This is the love I haven’t received
These are the scars that peel
These are the destroyed things I need

Rage found through discomfort
A page in the history
Of a trashed dream
Of democracy and complete freedom
Actions controlled by the threat of violence
Familys destroyed by the slap of abuse
Neglect and distortion
Miscommunication of the 6th sense
No direction
No prince
No savior

Chorus
This is the pain I feel
This is the love I haven’t received
These are the scars that peel
These are the destroyed things I need

Through protection and the drought of Hell’s Bells
We see the funnel of darkness and forgotten dreams
Rights lost
Destruction earned
Pound on me
Make me bleed
Make me scream
That’s all I’m good for
That’s all the children are good for

Chorus
This is the pain I feel
This is the love I haven’t received
These are the scars that peel
These are the destroyed things I need

Protect me
These laws of nothing
Can’t contain the rage
Of fought abuse
and struggles long ago
won by the rapist and the abuser

Chorus
This is the pain I feel
This is the love I haven’t received
These are the scars that peel
These are the destroyed things I need

i was walking up the stairs
i met a man that wasnt their
he wasnt their again today
i wish i wish hed go way

Insecure i feel today
i rather fell myself dark and grey
I tried to disguise myself another me
It makes me feel more subconcious as you can see
I guess the darkness in the inside
can never replace it on the outside
you can never change the outer part of you
without changing the inside of you too.

As my world suffers the bleek of damnation. I rest my soul untill Hell comes forth and ask me to come with him. I remain still and silent. Then Heaven comes forth and ask me to come with him. Again I remain still and silent. Now out of nowhere, Death appears before me and says nothing, not a word. So I choose my way to die and I walk with her, my Death. As I walk away, I don’t look back but only to imagine what is in my future. A begining of the end for all.

Everlasting you
Maby a friend who needs life
Everlasting death

Sleep well tonight, for when darkness falls, dare not look through the night ahead. Those are my eyes upon you and my shadow over your bed.

My eyes get adjusted,
to the dark that fills my head.
The girl that you once trusted.
Is now thy enemy instead.
You dragged me down in vain,
my heart you tore apart,
My soul you took away,
And left me in the dark.
I will never forgive,
But I will someday repay.
For you did not let me live,
And That will not cease to haunt my every day.
Crawl Under the Moon Light,
Drink the tears that I have cried.
Find In my heart the words that you said,
And erase them from inside my head.
Then Set me free.

we started out fine
everything was perfect
i gave you my heart and i gave you my body
i loved you more then anyone
and out of no where you left me
standing there lost and confused
my love still burning strong
and now that i have talked to you
it makes me want you even more
all i have on my mind is you
i can’t move on
i can’t keep on living
i have your ghost on my back all the time
if you love me like you say you do
then take me in your arms
tell me everythings ok
kiss me, take me back, and say you’ll never go away

i know that will never happen
its all just a dream
you left me behind
and now, don’t want me back

i’ll always have this love burning deep within my soul
always hoping what you once felt for me is still with you while you live you life

i can’t go on
and i feel like a soulless corpse with only one chance to make it through
i love you and i lost you

what am i to do??

I lay here naked and handcuffed to your bed
Wondering whats running through your head
Wanting you to fuck me more with every kiss
Hoping you will come to me after i leave tonight
Your taste lingers in my mouth long after your kiss is gone
The bute marks still show
Everytime i think of you I can still feel your body on me

This is all just another memory
Because now your gone
You left me here
Handcuffed to your heart

six a.m. its another morning and as usual she doesn’t want to wake up. Their teenage daughter finally pulls herself out of bed ten minutes later,turns on the light and begins her daily routine. She throws on her black jeans, tanktop, and a hoodie and rolls up the sleeves. She then throws her hair up in a sloppy ponytail and turns on the radio. With the station tuned to her favorite rock chanel she does her make-up, why she doesn’t know, she’ll cry it off by the end of the day. Cover up lighter then her skin, black eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara and lipstick. As she sings along to the radio she laces up her shoes. She turns off the radio, grabs her keys and back pack, turns out the light and heads downstairs.
When she gets down stairs she pulls out her armband and bracelets and puts them on to cover up old scars. she heads into the kitchen to here her mom bitching again about her make-up or how she didn’t do her chores done the night before.
She picks up her things and walks out the door. On the way to the bus stop she lights a cigarette, first one of the day.
She gets on her bus and sits to herself as usual.
When she gets to school she see’s the face of the person that has caused her the most pain and heartache, a lost love. “hey” she says as she puts on a smile and gives him a hug. She runs in to see the rest of her friends, finally she can be happy.They discuss random things from the previous day, trying to be heard over laughter and other talking.
damnit the bell rings off to another day. First, second, third, fourth and fifth hours all the same, no one to talk to, she just sits alone wanting nothing to go home, the only relieve is lunch before fourth hour. Sixth hour finally, she walks into class and see’s his face, that face she still loves, the one that still causes her pain, ” hello” she says and walks to her desk.
With the hour almost over she goes over to talk to that boy “whats up…?” they carry on a conversation everysecond making her miss him more.
Bell rings again, the day is over. she walks to her bus and sits with a stranger who has a staring problem.
Finally she gets off her bus and lights another cigarette. She goes home to an empty house, alone she sits and thinks about everything wrong in her life.
4:30, greatmoms home. The lecturing begins everyword making her feel worse. She goes up to her room and puts her headphones on, writing in her journal all of her thoughts.
Six p.m. dads home, great more bitching. He lectures her about not working enough and not deserving anything.
She runs back up to her room with tears running down her face. Another night she’ll miss dinner, she no longer wants to be seen.
Eleven p.m. the house is silent, she writes a note to her friends the only ones who cared. Finally she pulls out her knife and puts it to her wrists. She carves down to the bone, sorry guys i love you, are her last thoughts as the last drop of her blood hits the floor.

So many nights i spent in that field. So many mystical adventures linger behind me in my past from each and every one of those nights. They were so haunting in their own individual way, but he knew i found it thrilling…

For years now, i’ve known The Field. Its mapped in my brain, and everything that has happened there throughout the long nights is branded in my brain like no other memories…
But those sweet moonlit hours came to an end one night. He wasn’t there. He swore he was immortal, and I the same. Guess he was human after all… AT least partially…
But let us go back to the better days. Or should i say, nights. The things you want to remember should stay that way; remembered…

I don’t remember the date, exactly, but I know that it was quite cold out. To normal beings, anyways. Me and Kline never did much complaining. Explaining, yes. But whining and weeping, repeating the phrase “why me?” was not something we included in our meetings…
Kline. I will never get tired of hearing that name. It’s so…unheard of. Which was exactly what he was. I had never seen him around my small town of Sleeping Willow before that night, though he claimed to have lived there all his life. I never exactly put it into deep thought, nevertheless contemplating the truth in it, so I blew it off. Enough of that, let me continue in telling you about the night we met…

“Marion, you didn’t do the dishes like I asked you,” mother screamed up the old wooden stairs. I hated living in a large Victorian home with only 3 people staying in it… what a waste of money…
Turning down my music, I screamed back,”Fine, I’ll be down in a second.” Though it was my brother Greg’s job to do the dishes, i couldnt hold it against my mother. she had very poor memory after a fatal car crash when i was 5. anyways, let’s move on….
“it’s too late now, Marion.” she said in a movie-mother-like voice. (is she trying to intimidate me? “your brother already did them for you. what a nice child he is.”
“im sorry, mother. ill try not to be so…occupied.” i accidentally apologized in a harsh tone. i knew what was coming, so i bit my tongue and stepped out of my inscence-scented room.
The Speech. I won’t go into details, but i’m sure many of you fellow teenagers with a single mother has heard it before. for some reason, on this very night, The Speech annoyed me. Alot.
Now, normally, i have a good hold on my temper, but something possessed me or something, because i unleashed like never before……..

yea, im cutting off at a strange point, but i will continue this as soon as possible…
until next time…

…::: samantha :::…

when ppl die and go to hell ill be there to make sher that they get pain for ever and ever LOL im the demon that love to see ppl in pain and loves to watch blood caming out of ppl and thats why ill be there just because i like to watch

after a long day of school. a girl goes home to wat will be the last day of her life and the being of her ghost life. a life of a ghost is seeing ur best freinds live and maybe even marring ur lover taking ur life away waking up to see ur dead but never knowing it talking to ppl just to think they dont want to talk to u ull think about the last time u had a good time
know ur now alone in the world seeing ur life pass u was u fall asleep in to deatha cold place where u feel nothing but anger and sadness.

I sit and breathe
I know not why
I feel
Barely feel
Anything
All sensation
So grey
So one dimensional
Why am i?
What am i?
I feel so lost
So distorted
Twisted beyond reason
Reasonably contorted
A product of a system
A reject
Disowned
My heart beats
Just…
Slowly fading
All i want
I cannot have
All i need
Has been stripped from me
I feel flayed
I wish my skin was in tatters
At least i could feel something then
Other than this void
This emptiness
I am the hollow being
A vessel of nothingness
Nothing but pain
Tired pain
So tired i’m used to the hurt
Do i even have a soul now?
Stripped down to the bone
Soul shattered
Just as the pieces are put back
The sledgehammer
The impact
Corrupts me once more
Destroys all i’ve built
All i’ve wanted is love
All i’ve received is pain
Now i’m so numb
So spent
So tired
Tired of living
I want to sleep
But i can’t
I know if i fall asleep
If i dare to dream
I may never wake up again