Entries from September 2003 ↓

When I look at the limitless night, I start to think, if im alone in this world why do I still live in a chaotic place such as this. The question has no ansewers but to look for it we must go where no one dares to find it. If and when we find these ansewers, who knows maybe we could find the meaning of life it self or something else.

Personally, I don’t think we will ever find this thing we search for but thats just my chaotic mind talking.

DEATH………….it takes us all at one point or another. And should you fear him as you may don’t fore he is the farryman to take you across the river stix. We all have are own death so when you see him ask how is it to the land of the dead.

And don’t forget to pay him.

As i sit here on this cold stoney park bench, cold and stoney as my life has now become, i think of better days, days when the nievity of youth was still obvious upon my cheek. i then lift the bottl to my lips and rest my head upon the park bench. It will be a cold night tonight.

I wasnt born this way you know. Sometimes things happen in life, circumstances we have no control over,or that we dont want to have control over. thats what happened to me. i couldnt take the reality anymore so i picked up this bottle to numb the sharp acrid pain i felt. to blur my visions and my thoughts. to take me to a place of if not happiness. at least unawareness.

I killed her. we were newly married. She was the most beautiful bride that i had ever seen. She was the light of my life and i loved her with all my heart and soul. It was a stormy night .she didnt want to go out you know Coming back from a friends.home i was driving fast. I lost control. There was darkness. My Miranda stopped breathing.

I couldnt believe it-she wasnt dead….but she was. I caused it. I oculdnt look at myself in the mirror. i couldnt get up in the morning to go to work. WE never had any children and i just didnt want to face the world without her. SHe was the light and i was the shadow. Shadows cant exist without light and i couldnt exist without her.

So a new love was introduced into my life, alcohol. Its been with me since. It never left me, never deserted me. WHen the landlord came to evict me from my apartment, when friends gave up on me and moved on with their lives, when i started roaming the streets like a ghost, an old man trapped in a young mans body, it stayed. it never went away and it wont. this time ill hold on forever ill never let go….

I sit back and take out the bottle of pills id been saving. I cant take the lonliness anymore and its time to let go…i take each pill one by one and place them into my mouth and swallow. i lay down onto the floor and an evenessent feeling sweeps over me. im falling, fading into the night where i belong.

He was there in the darkness of it all
He was the light in the sahdows that followed me
He was the excape form the hell that surrounded me
He will not be there anymore
I have no escape from the hell i still live
I have no light from the shadows
I have no love to kiss
I have no one to hold in my arms
He is gone
Gone to the darkness
I hope to kiss the love that i once had
My light
My love
My escape

She moaned one final time before he took the very thing keeping her alive from her. She sat up on his lap and he began to kiss her neck and shoulders. Then he sunk his sharp fangs in her beautiful pale skin. SHe winced at the feeling of his piercing fangs. It felt as if she were a galss full of champagne and the bubbles were rising to her head. He laid her frail and lifeless body down on the bed and wtch her take her last breath. He wispered in her ear ” I Love You”.

He took his thumb nail and slit his wrist with it. THe blood dripped uncontrollably from his vain. He held the bloody wrist above her lips and let it drip into her breathless mouth. He watched as she writhed in pain. SHe then got up and kissed him gratefully for saving her life. She had not yet understood the consequence of this selfless deed. The fear of being alive forever fo which she had no consept of will come to her soon but will soon be soothed by her immortal love which will be hers forever.

I lay there a long time
I saw many clouds go by,
I smelled the sweet fragrance that was my purfume change to rot,
I tasted the decay that once was cherry gum,
I heard the animals chewing and gnawing where they used to purr and cuddle,
I felt the changes as the warmth left my body,
It was at least a month, maybe more
When I finally got up I didn’t feel the same,
I felt lighter and I knew that it was time.
I stepped before the gates of heaven,
I listened to them call my name,
I felt the regret as they read the list of my shortcomings,
I wished I hadn’t followed them into the dark,
That I had the chance to go back and find my savior,
But my time was over,
I took a step in the wrong direction,
St. Peter asked me where I was going,
I told him I shouldn’t be in this place,
“dear Child” I heard a voice say,
“With your last breath, the last beat of your heart, I, who made the stars, who gave you life, I heard you cry out to me, and it was then that you were saved.”

Abigail walked into the room clad in fishnet stockings, black mini skirt and corset top. The look on Tobias’ face was of pleasure mixed with curiosity, he had never seen her like this before. He liked it. “Come over here Abby” he said patting the cushion next to him, the one closest to the fire, where golden flames rared high into the chimney giving the room a sweet smell of burning wood. And so she did, hitching her skirt up as she sat flashing the tops of her stockings.
“So, um…why did you call me over?” she asked, knowing what he had in mind.
“I think you know my dear” he replied, stroking her thigh in the wy that always made her quiver.
“Well, yeah I supose I do…but I’m not sure anymore…”
“Oh, but you’re so cute. One more time, at least?” He asked moving his hand further up her thigh.
“No.” She said pushing his hand away.
“Why on earth not, you’ve never complained before…” He began nibblng at her neck. The neck nibbling always got her going, it was like she became oblivious to everything around her, she just found it so arousing, so intimate that she always gave in. But this time was different, she pushed him away.
“I’m sick of you, sick of the way you’re the one always initiating sex and what we do. It’s so boring, always the same, a little bit of biting here and there, handcuffs every now and then but no true exitment nothing different. I think for once Tobias, I take control. You’ve had you’re fun I want mine.” She stood and walked into the kitchen. Tobias yelled after her, “But you never mae it fun, you like straight sex girl!”
Abigail didn’t reply until he walked back into the room, holfding something behind her back, “Oh do I know? Just you wait…” She walked towards him, placed whatever was behind her bac under a pillow before he could see and remained standing. “I think we need a change of mood here…” She pushed a button on the cd player and a melodic guitar riff began, then the sweet screech of Anders voice started to float through the room.
“Ah, In Flames, how did I guess. You know I’m not so fond of them…”
“But I am. It’s up to me what happens tonight, not you.” She said snaping her fingers, causing the fire to roar and turn into a purple flame, giving of a smell of lavender. Abigail stared into the flame for a few moments, watching the swirls of smoke and flame mingle. She then sat next to Tobias and lightly touched his cheek, her han moved around to the back of his head and she kissed him lightly on his lips. He kissed back turning the sma is into a full on passionate, tongue swirling kiss. He opened his mouth wider allowing her tongue to probe deeper into his mouth.
She pulled away. “Now, now don’t get carried away.” She kissed him once more on his forehead and move down his body slowely until she got to his belt. Teasingly she pulled it off, looked up at him as she undid the button on his jeans then smiled as she placed her head down an pulled the zip with her teeth. She stroked his legs with her hands unil she reached the top of his jeans and she pulled them down, revealing he had no boxers or anything on, just the perfectly sculpted penis she’d had the pleasure of playing with and being controled by many-a-time. “Oh, expecting something were we?” She asked, laughing slightly, “Well it won’t be what you thought you’d be getting darling.” She smiled at him as she reached under the pillow and pulled out an ice cube tray. The cubes were begining to melt so she had no worries of any ice getting stuck anywhere and so she began. Abigail picked up the two of the cubes and licked both, “Close your eyes,” and she placed he cubes on his eyelids, she quickly grabbed another and as he gasped with the cold of the ice she popped the third into his mouth and he gasped. She unbuttoned his shirt and kissed his chest as she placed an ice cube on each nipple, he mumble something but she ignored it and carried on. She picked up the last cube and placed it in her own mouth.
Without saying anything she began to stroke his shaft slowely to begin with then she picked up the pace a little. After around thirty seconds she bore dwn on his sensitive head, makng sure the ice cube touched it as she licked expertly around it. He shivered out of pleasure and the chill of the cubes. She knew exactly how to bring him off and with the change of ading the ice into the equation he was spent faster than usual, not fast enough that there as still ice in her mouth but she didn’t want that. If she still had ice in her mouth then she’d have to swalow that as well as his cum but luckily she only had to swallow the white stuff, not that she minded she actualy enjoyed the taste, she didn’t with previous lovers but Tobias was different. Maybe she loved him, but then maybe she didn’t, what was she to know, she was stil young and she couln’t say anything like that to him. He’d leave her, an she knew this.
She sat up an looked at him, his face as wet, a mixture of sweat and water but his eyes were open and he had a strange smile on his face. She couldn’t read it. “What’s on yuo mind darling?” She asked.
“Oh nothing much. That was…amazing….magical….the ice as a nice touch unusual and strange but fantastic t sa the least.”
“Glad you liked it,” She smiled, “but I really have to go now….you just stay hear and warm up.” She placed a blanket over him and stood up, sorted her clothing and headed towards the door.
“Abigail….” Tobias called from the living room.
“Yeah?”
“I…I love you…” He said, he sounded scared.
“Oh…um….” and with that Abigail walked out of the door and out of Tobias’ life.

As I gaze into the eyes of the dead, I wounder, is their soul gone or is it traped in a deep dark freezing cold chamber where the only freedom is the breath of death, then I wake up and look into the darkness. THE BEGINING

Goth girl killed the football star
Chained him up and drove him far
Parked him at his final destination
Mutilation, denied his chance for life’s salvation
Lovely sensation, bloody castration
Without the mercy of receiving sedation
Pain knows no discrimination
Want to understand her infatuation?
Use your imagination.
Just listen to that dark manifestation
Seeping, creeping, burning like acid precipitation
THAT is her infatuation.
Goth girl killed the football star

This is dedicated to jersey # 24

if i stalked you would you mind?
If i crept up from behind?
took you to my secret lair?
tied you up with strand of hair?
lightly, touch your milk white face
i am
lifes disgrace
i wear a mask
and roam the halls
I watch you.
clinging to the walls
i lift your shirt
and smell your skin
a furnace burning
deep within
Ive tied you up with strands of hair
i live my life with deep despair
as i remove all your clothes
your burning scent fills my nose
sitting there with outlined eyes
you see through my meek disguse
” so its you”
you say at last
you voice is an icy blast
im sitting here about to die
ill kiss your lips and say good bye

I want your honest opinion plez tell me if you liked this or not i will explain it later.

As I creep up behind my next victim her breathing becomes heavy..she senses my presence yet knows nothing of me. I grab her slendere throat and pres it to my lips allowing my fangs to sink deeply into her tender skin the blood spurts into my mouth and down my throat the warmth tingles my throat and I am immediately satified. I realease her and she fall to the floor…cold…dead

There she was. His for the taking. He could smell the innocence of which her body had once been. Here she was in his arms. Her naked body pale and gleaming in the light. He took off his shirt and began with his pants. He slid into her very slowly. She moaned at the feel of his hard dick. Then he began to slid in and out of her, wtching her beautiful eyes gleam in the candle light. He kissed her warm lips and massaged her tongue with his. Very slow and passionate and then his kisses began to become more carnal, but passionate and sweet tasting.

SHe moaned again. This was the most pleasuring pain she had ever felt. His thrusts began to become faster and deeper, but it didn’t hurt her in a bad way but was very pleasuring. SHe had an orgasm again and again. They just kept comming. Her moans became louder and louder. She screamed his name and he loved that and he loved her but his kind could never love or be known. That was the thought that made him more and more depressed because she was the one that he wanted to spend this nverending life with her, but he did not want to put her through this pain that ate him alive everyday that he would awake to kill.

(dont worry this is not the end)

When people come to your room
You shrink, you hide
Their white outfits are wrong, different
From yours
You start to work, quickly and quietly
Building
A wall, a barrier, something to
Stop them
Getting to you, those voices fade
As a pain in your leg becomes apparent
Its sharp and it spreads
You embrace it, that pain
Those voices fade, peace returns
Darkness surrounds, once again
alone, trapped in your own mind,
Where you like it.

I thrive on pain
Only self afflicted
Paranoia beats like a dieing heart in my head
and words of caution turn into a threat
self-consiously and slowly i start to kill myself
silently i plea for help
these voices they taunt me!
with unheard words
and i cower, timidly
With my head cradeled in my hands
I scream so quitely that everone hears
frustration and
anger and
hystaria or
am i going crazy?
I might enjoy it, and thats my fear
so ill give in and do what they say
Then ill wake like a dark and powerfilled
Butterfly
From a cacoon of falsehood
And i am strong
And like the schitzophrenic that i am
i tell myself to go away!
then i reah my inner peace
Which to any one else is
CHAOS

Oh you glorius child of the night, may it be that you have curage & strenght to still live
May it be that you are the most wonderful creature of them all
May it be that you will seek us in your hunger & in need of passion
May it be that your philosofy & dreams will come true
May it also be that you are older & wiser then us humans

But you dont own a beating heart & you dont own a mind with feelings
So my beautiful beast, are you a cure or are you a dream?

A humans desire is something that
Satan can create just by words
A humans friendship & tenderdnes is
something that Satan can fool us all into the big fall of hell
But what can be so sweet yet so much more
stronger then death & Satan himselfe then a hearts pounding for love
The one who feels love will feel happines
in bouth soul & heart
But he will also one day see how fast sweet
tenderdnes can change into painful, poisoning gall
Love will bring us peace or pain & hate
However we all decide it best…

Every time I think of you, it seems like you are already near me
Every time I cry, I feel you cold hand on my shoulder

I can’t wait any longer my love, I must see you…
Feel you…
Embrace you…
Kiss you…
& love you

When I later feel the knife in my palm I can feel your hand again on my shoulder
When the knife later touch my skin, I can feel you kiss me

So now my love, embrace me, cause I will forever rot & love you in your arms…

A sweet & silent drop of a tears smashes down on the wet ground
Even when it rains you could se that single drop of sadness fall before you

It touches a wet soiled ground, as you look around you see heaven in the trees, in the sky & in the ground of green grass

Leave the rose within your hand, let it die in the rain
It can’t live forever & you know it well, you know it well as you know humans can’t do it…

Wasted, alone, empty, ashamed and weak… too many words for too little a thought. Wishing away the life I lead, promises that fell on deaf ears, likes and dislikes of all those who would rather lead the way than follow behind in the shadow, too damn fucking introverted to come out. Manic feelings, children stealing, hope and dreams within each silent scream… but for what? What the fuck for? Alienated, the burdens abated, why the hell and what the hell are we here for? You ever wondered about something weird? You never get the answers to the damn questions you want… your apologies arn’t good enough, and you know what? Neither are you. Lives have been lost loathing, loving, hating, feeling, healing and killing… but I’m a fucking human being too… I bleed red… I cringe when burned… I feel… just like you. Yeah, sure, there’s millions and millions of people in the world… we’re all statistics… just statistics, me and you… but we’re here for a purpose, and that, my friend, I dont know. What the fuck am I trying out here? Where the hell am I headed? Honestly, I dont care anymore, because you know what? The worst feeling in the world is that of helplessness.

The light of our souls shall be destroyd by death & so we will only be rememberd in a lifetime by man

Why do you let tears of sadness fall so hard on dark soil my child?
For even though only you will remember me, we will meet each other once again in the life of eternity…

& in the life of eternity, we can not forget each other…

So, are you afraid of death now?

Don`t be, I`ll wait for you here

The problems you bring
The lies that you sing
The feeling that start
When falling apart
Your acting so just
Your noone to trust
It’s always the same
Get someone to blame
That girl is a mutt
Let’s call her a slut
Then turn it around
To try and hold ground
Burn all your bridges
Turns out she’s ridgid
Proved it’s the same
Again and again
After while
You all suck

When i talk, no one hears, when i act out, no one cares…perhaps someone, somewhere, will read this final letter to the world, and care…but for now, all that is real is the pain,all that is final is death, what is true is what you choose to believe… the gun i am holding now to my head…a small one, 9mm beretta, will choose for me whether i live or die today…live to see tomorrow…

~Im nick im 14 and cant write worth a damn~
really sorry, just had to vent some rage and suicidal thoughts coursing through my mind…perhaps someone will understand. Read some of my other submissions

WASHING AWAY ALL THE PAIN:
Washing my hands with crimson tide…
The blood flows like rain
I do not remember how many tears I have cried
Washing away all my pain

HAD TO DRAG ME DOWN:
I do not know why I cannot feel pain
Maybe I’m desensitized
Your lies flow like raindrops
But I can see the truth In your eyes
You liar, bitch, whore, and slut
You dont feel remorse
Whatever you’ve been through, pain you’ve felt
I’ve been through worse
We knew you were going down, without a doubt…
But did you have to drag me down too?

SONG OF MY LIFE:
Sex, drugs, rock and roll
Speed, weed, birth control
Life sucks, then you die
Fuck the world, lets all get high

Pain misery and suffering
You caused
That is why I am crying
Doing whatever I can to forget
This acid…this weed…
Steering heedlessly towards death
Deep in the depths of my despair
I can at least feel good

I reached out in the darkness that surrounds me,
But you pulled away your hand,
And so I fell deeper into the emptiness of what used to be my heart.

I’ve been broken,
Shattered on the rocky remains of my former love,
I’m dying,
Left to bleed dry,
I’ve been broken.

You turned your back on me,
Left me in the deepest of despair,
But this is not the first,
And will not be the last time,

I’ve been broken,
Shattered on the rocky remains of my former love,
I’m dying,
You left me to bleed dry,
I’ve been broken.

I feel asleep, lost in my pain,
And when I woke up I was screaming your name.

I’ve been broken,
I’ve been shattered by the remains,
I’m dying,
I’ve been left to bleed dry by you,
And I’m broken.

His eyes so hollow, dark and deep.
His presence so omnimous
Face so emotionless and unchanged
What are his thoughts?
I could not guess, I would not know
What is this stranger’s name?
So mysterious
This stranger that draws me to him
Like a vampire thirsting for more blood
To satisfy its desire
I hunger for the answers to my questions
I hunger for him
Wanting something like I have never wanted before
For he is like my addiction, my craving
Something that I can never get enough of, can never have
This mysterious man

near to the door he paused to stand
as he took his class ring off her hand
all who were watching did not speak
as a silent tear ran down his check
and through his mind the memories ran
of the moments they walked in the sand hand N hand
but now her eyes were a terriable cold
for he would never again have her to hold
they watched in silence as he bent near
N whispered the words.. I LOVE YOU… in her ear
he touhed her face and started to cry
as he put on the ring N wanted to die
and just then the wind began to blow
as they lowered her casket into the snow
this is what happens to the man left alive
when friends let friends drink and drive.

sdfadsf

You have problems…
I have problems…
Everyone has problems.
No big deal and no big whoop.
So, you feel like shit?
Who cares?
I don’t care,
You don’t care,
They don’t care.
No one cares.
Everyone dies.
But you’re the one who decides…
To die today?
Or tomorrow?
When you’re old?
Now, when you’re young?
To die by your hands?
Or by the hands of others?
Which will it be?
Hurry, time is ticking by.
Whatever you decide…
It doesn’t matter in the end…

chimeraworld

I wanna live in a world full of silent witnesses
I wanna live in a cryogenic world, faces pressed up against frosted glass for eternity
I wanna live in a twisted, crippled sentence world, a lamb slaughter of impunity
I wanna live in a loving world made of cheesy grins and lessons in deceit
I wanna live in a heterosexual world – full of lesbians
I wanna live in a labia mine crammed with second-hand sex toys world
I wanna live in a sinister world of pain, wrestled into a knot by school mistresses
I wanna live in a dancing world, a changing chancing sly round-the-back world
I wanna live in a late night luxury chocolate gateau world
I wanna live in a wordless world where magic matters and life is sharp like a needle

I wanna live in a space world made of living chrome paintings that cry human tears
I wanna live in a lost world where I will never find truth
I wanna live in a spaceship world in the middle of the crash desert, epidermiscorched
I wanna live in a paper aeroplane world flying down the storm drain
I wanna live in a roundabout world orbited by shuddering ice cream vans
I wanna live in a patchwork world, lost for choice
I wanna live in a sewer world, a fewer world, a newer world of cerebral horror bats
I wanna live in a test tube world with my dead twin placentaing all round me
I wanna live in a verbless, internet world of instant gratification – no living pronouns

I wanna live in a foster world, borrowed from a widow of shadows
I wanna live in a carpet flavoured world, a spiral staircase surrogate world
I wanna live in a dirty razor blade bathtub ring world
I wanna live in a world with no name and no way to be born
I wanna live in a typeset world in Cyrillic, million point, embossed
I wanna live in a permanently engaged world, a mobile phone bashed world
I wanna live in a saucer of milk world of cat’s cream smiles and furballs
I wanna live in a long back alley cobbled to death by meteors in August world
I wanna live in a constantly dancing siren of light world
I wanna live in a leper world, a collector world, a colloquial world of sores

I wanna live in a purple world of proverbs
I wanna live in a lecturing world to a sea of blank faces
I wanna live in a tortoise shell world broken open by adrenaline stinking natives
I wanna live in a Go-Go world, a big fat titty wiggling ripped back foreskin world
I wanna live in a steady world of nine pm to five am murder in the dark world
I wanna live in a motorway world, six lanes of death wish 2001
I wanna live in a movie world, randomly edited to mirror the weather
I wanna live in a complex world of digital crime, numbers are my friends
I wanna live in a corporate suicide world – don’t take any prisoners, now
I wanna live in a saucy naughty raunchy haunchy paunchy world in the country

I wanna live in the country, period
I wanna live in a world where you are dead and your kids are real tall
I wanna live in a fan based world drawn together by signatures stretching to infinity
I wanna live in a copious flagons of lurid copy world, drunk on prose booze
I wanna live in a world outside of the world, just off-off world, not lost, not there
I wanna live in a child hammered to death by a strange man I met in a bar world
I wanna live in a world of 24-7 news reports – mundane bliss of fish underfoot
I wanna live in a congested world of someone’s obituary
I wanna live in a rank old diary of poems, pages the colour of porridge
I wanna live in a violent, silent, soylent green, blue pink eater world of wells

I wanna live in a miniature world of toy aeroplanes underfoot
I wanna live in a kids world where you never grow beards and your ears never wax
I wanna live in a seaside world of totem poles, pole dancers entertaining hole 19
I wanna live in a chocolate egg broken by a fist world
I wanna live in a world of sushI eating your face from the plate
I wanna live in a world skewered by chopsticks – a poignant reminder world
I wanna live in a lost logo world – what is our identity without graphics
I wanna live in a saucer shaped world, buzzing middle America for kicks
I wanna live in a lesson learnt world where consequence and permanent fittings help
I wanna live in a fugitive world stripped of lenses

I wanna live in a late night lady friends sobbing on the phone world
I wanna live in a lesbian world full of heterosexual puppies
I wanna live in a couple eating each others feet on live TV world
I wanna live in a comfy chair of sorrow world, a nonsense of cherished ego world
I wanna live in a beagle world, tested to death in many different and inviting ways
I wanna live in a heap in the corner, stinking of vomit and nicotine patches
I wanna live in a methodone for everyone, except the polite ones world
I wanna live in a floating breasts for the sharks world
I wanna live in a carrot from the ground denouncing all slugs and maggots and lice
I wanna live in a terrible world, but that will never happen

I wanna live in a synthetic tits world paid for by rent boy armies donating charitably
I wanna live in a daily world of obesity reports on cable channel
I wanna live in a vomit world
I wanna live in a comet world
I wanna live in a come up and see my vagina lips, suck my phallus for money world
I wanna live in a polite butcher thin slicing loin rashers from the neighbours world
I wanna live in a coach stalled on the train tracks world
I wanna live in a world of nothing new, change the record, fella
I wanna live in a fetish world of fantasy and fashion, incarnate latex nose clippers
I wanna live in a pervert, skin tugging his nipples with a chinese silk hook world

I wanna live in a bad world, you know, terrible architecture, puppies rule the roost
I wanna live in a speedboat grinding slices of brainmeat wave carving world
I wanna live in a handholding, teasing, full frontal interview world of patterns world
I wanna live in a real world, flapping flesh from dusk till dawn, sauce eaters united
I wanna live in a gogo world, fat men and women lost in lust
I wanna live in a gogo world, stuck on a rocking boat, laughing at your belly
I wanna live in a throat razor, hair shaver, meat pie filler, dramatic actor world of id
I wanna live in a textureless, 50 frames a second on PAL world
I wanna live in a frameless world, just glass embedded in the cheekbones like you
I wanna live in your eyes

I wanna live in your mind; summer vacations of dull weather and fetish fashion
I wanna live in a world full of autopsy
I wanna live in a silk shirt opened by a knickerless woman world, on my back
I wanna live in a bed of nails world, five ton elephant on my chest
I wanna live in a prostrate cancer menu world of delightful charity
I wanna live in a world free of lice
I wanna live in a locust storm coming your way
I wanna live in your back alley all night, eating my chips with my fingers
I wanna live in a serial killer playing his piano world of keys
I wanna live in a lazy world in the sunspot heat of interrogation

I wanna live in Jamaica, lying back, and thinking of England…