Entries from September 2003 ↓

Step inside a nightmare
That’s where you’ll find me
Life is like a prison
I ache to be free

Children have no rights
Surrounded by stereotypes
And racist fights
Children have no rights

We’re told what to wear
Do and say
Ridiculous rules
Increase each day

Statistics are sickening
Pregnant or addicted
Homicide or suicide
Something’s not right

Justice doesn’t exist
We’re not united now
The world’s falling apart
We messed up somehow

If you’re under 18
You’re nobody yet
If you think for yourself
You become a threat

The government hides the truth
And try’s to brainwash the youth
Aliens live on the moon
And they’ll take over soon

I’m waiting for abduction
I belong with them
ET is sexy
He’s my new best friend

Now I feel so alone
Listening to the dial tone
I’ll take another pill
To swallow my pain
And call you back up
But it’s always the same

You hang up on me
Before I start to cry
You give up on me
Before I even try

And I can’t figure this out
Or how our troubles begin
Please don’t shut me out
And break my heart again

I gave you paper flowers
To match my paper heart
You used them for a while
Then ripped them apart

And every time
You pick the scabs
On my wounded soul
I keep my mouth shut
Until I lose control

I’m ready to cut the leash
And fucking freak out
Close my broken heart
And fucking push you out

I’m sick of complaining
I don’t want to cry
I’m sick of holding on
I just want to die

Is it wrong to think I’m right?
Life’s a never-ending fight
And just when you’re ahead
You suddenly fall back again

Does time feel like a threat to you?
That’s the way it is for me
I’m trapped no matter what I do
I just want to be free

I don’t know who my friends
And enemies are anymore
My life’s fucking me sideways
And I’m sick of being its whore

Is it wrong to think I’m right?
Life’s a never-ending fight
And just when you’re ahead
You suddenly fall back again

I’ve failed to make the world see
There’s feelings inside of me
So when you treat me like shit today
Don’t fucking hug me tomorrow

Oh life I hate you
I know you hate me
Every bit of happiness
You try to take from me

Oh life I hate you
I know you hate me

Is it wrong to think I’m right?
Life’s a never-ending fight
And just when you’re ahead
You suddenly fall back again

I don’t need your sympathy
It hurts too much to cry
If this face doesn’t smile
Please don’t ask me why

Oh life I hate you
I know you hate me
Every bit of happiness
You try to take from me

Oh life I hate you
I know you hate me

Oh life I hate you
I know you hate me
Every bit of happiness
You try to take from me

You came into our lives like a bombshell.
One second it’s a lovely spring morning with birds chriping, and the next everythings upside down and you have to scoop yourself off the ground.

I was so afraid when I first learned you were coming. I was terrified, after all what kind of mentor could I be? In all honesty, I’m a 19 year old, drop out, drunk, unemployed waitress, who spent most of her teen years in mental hospitals. What kind of credentials are those?!

After awhile the fear turned to panicy excitment. I tried so hard to make every thing perfect for when you got here. I worked on myself, I looked past myself, towards you. Shawn and I got married, times were very happy. Everything was becoming clear in my life, it was like the smoke was clearing and I could finally see what was ahead of me.

Three days before you came, I said some things I will never ever forgive myself for. Forgive me, I said them out of doubt.

You came to soon. For days in the hospital I fought to keep you. I couldn’t though. I couldn’t (it’s getting hard to type this)
You were beautiful, the only thing I’ve ever done right. Perfect little hands, button nose, peach fuzz hair; So small and delicate. I held you as you left me. An hour after you came you were gone. In that hour, you made more of an impact on my life, than anyone before. You tought me so many lessons, and your departure broke my heart. I have to pick up the pieces.

Sydney I love you. I wish we had more time, but since we didn’t I have to settle with your brief memory. My precious daughter.

Heather

My femine penis is a sultry piece of art. It’s a crazy stupid penis with big dreams, and an appetite for adventure (and cheetos) it was in search for the clitoris, when it fell into despair. My pink trap swollowed me hole. Now the clitoris could be my only way out. (whistle…whistle) “Here clit, clit, clit,”I bellowed into the night. Nothing but echos of a familiar voice. Echos of comfort. Echos of betrayal. Echos burdening me brain parts. Now my clit was hiding like a black man at a KKK rally, and I couldn’t take the smell any longer.

I stare down at my nipples, and suddenly it hits me. My nipples are huge, like giant teacup saucers, burning into my soul. My pole rusty high in fiber! This M&M melts in your mouth not in your hand, baby. I want to take this feminine penis everywhere, vagina, anus, mouth, nostril, ear hole,even my eye socket. I decided to take my tounge and rough ride the terrain, hunting for beaver pelts.

Summer time, trees and stuff. BEAVER PELTS.

The End.
Heather & Shawn

To whomever it may concern,

You could have prevented this
You could have stopped me
But too late, perhaps I will be missed
Who am I kidding…no one will notice

This is my last letter to the world, it seems
No more tears to cry
No use to pierce the night with screams
It is my time to die
Love,
Anonymous

I cannot feel
Pain is all that is real
Self-inflicted agony
Emotional instability
Remorseless anarchy
Fuck it all

Im fuckin insane to the core
so just lie there on the floor
While I’m killing you
This is my game, you lose
I…own…your body
You no longer control
Your body
You belong to me
So fuck you

I did it again today
The same feeling
Same as before and yesterday
My mind is reeling
Im dead i cannot feel
Oblivious to my pain
It is all so surreal
Wild madness in me untamed
Faltering morals, violence in mind
A rage in me let loose
It feels so right, it cant be a crime
Just tightening my noose

It’s been weeks since then.. I haven’t done much but write write cry write cry and cry a little more. I’d sleep of course, to get away from living. I’ve always thought of sleep as a psychotic break from reality rather than just resting. Since then, I’ve just been writing. About what? Honestly, I can’t remember a damn thing. But there’s so much. Notebooks filled, forums with scores of comments, loose leaf paper thrown into garbage pails everywhere half filled or completely covered in words.

There’s nothing to say though. I’ve nothing to tell the world that the world hasn’t already heard. Nothing to tell anyone at all… as far as I know. But I write, trying to get that empty feeling out, that nameless emotion that’s sleeping inside me… perhaps not nameless, but not realized. Does that make sense? It should. Does to me. Then again, you’re not me nor is anyone else. So what’s the purpose of all this? My fingers ache, my arm muscles plead with me to stop, even to rest for a few days. I’m hurting myself by my own stubbornness. It wasn’t my fault though. Maybe I lead Him to it, but it was His decision. And now I just wait. Wait for something unknown.. for a new beginning, closure, completeness, I’m not sure. Maybe just waiting for Death because I can’t remember why I’m living. But Death is far from me, and he’ll not waste his time taunting me. Death knows better, knows I’m not as weak as I’m percieved. He used to tell me I was stronger than I thought I was, though I never believed Him. He used to tell me a lot of things about me.. some that I thought just weren’t true, and others I just never noticed or acknowledged. Seemed as if He knew me more than I knew myself. I wonder if He knew I loved him?.. before what happened, I mean. I told Him once before that love from me was difficult, just like trust from me.. He did know I trusted Him. Perhaps He wondered once or twice. We never talked of love much, no more than twice. Everything else was open season. Talked about relationships, our pasts, opinions, farm animals, old people, babies, and even frogs. Anything and everything. He was my first best friend. As they say, all good things come to an end, I never understood why. I did tell Him that I loved Him, He might have been a little frightened of me at that moment, but I wouldn’t take it back. And if He were, I would understand. But to leave? To forget me and everything in our friendship? I can’t understand that. So I write and write, hoping that one day I’ll finally find the right words. That perfect sentence to explain it all. Sometimes it feels as if I almost have it, but there’s a piece missing. A piece missing that maybe He’d be able to place in for me, like He has many times before. There’s times when I can’t remember why I’m living, then I think about what He said to me, and for a second I remember it all.
Maybe.. He’s the missing piece to me.

—If you just read that, thank you for bothering. You’re most likely completely confused right now, which is quite normal when it comes to my writing and comments. I don’t expect anyone to understand that, I don’t expect anyone to care about that, I don’t even expect the editors at darkness to post it, but I wrote it. Why? I still can’t remember. The point is…. well, it’s open for interpretation, like everything else. If you’d like.—

I lay in bed each morning fearing to wake up because i know when i get up and see you i wil go through the same thing i go through every other day. I have gotten use to feeling your fist on my skin hitting me when i do the wrong thigs but how can i do so much wrong? Do i deserve to be treated like this i ask you and for asking that i get hit more why? why do u hit me for no reason is there something wrong with me did i cause you to want to take all your anger out on me? no. i let you thats what it is… i let you do this to me. people ask why don’t i stop you my answeer is because i cant stop you and i dont really want to. i let you hit me so that you dont hurt yourself, instead of letting u hurt urself i let u hurt me thats what u mean to me! why cant u love me for that?!

I lay in bed each morning fearing to wake up because i know when i get up and see you i wil go through the same thing i go through every other day. I have gotten use to feeling your fist on my skin hitting me when i do the wrong thigs but how can i do so much wrong? Do i deserve to be treated like this i ask you and for asking that i get hit more why? why do u hit me for no reason is there something wrong with me did i cause you to want to take all your anger out on me? no. i let you thats what it is… i let you do this to me. people ask why don’t i stop you my answeer is because i cant stop you and i dont really want to. i let you hit me so that you dont hurt yourself, instead of letting u hurt urself i let u hurt me thats what u mean to me! why cant u love me for that?!

Would my life be diffrent or all the same, would anyone know my name,would i have the friends that i have now,would i feel like i’m always missing out,would I still want to die,would i ever have reasons to cry,would my mom still have trust in me,would i still have a family,would people always stare like they do now,would anyone ever care,would people still think of me as a mistake,would people judge me by what i wear,would i still have my faith in god,would people look down on me for being diffrent,would my life be better or all the same

Look into my darkened eyes…
What do you see?
The years of pain and suffering you caused me?
I hope you do now because it’ll be your last chance…
Im done with misery and romance
Deep, dark, haunted places await you…
Eternal darkness, agony, It’s all true
I found that out the hard way
Thats why I have to do this, despite what you say
One motion of my finger, It’s all over
Pain, suffering, darkness, agony…
No Regrets

Sitting at home, online as usual, that seems to be the only thing I do anymore besides go to high school.
No one is online, nothing to do, Ive been on since 2:30 pm, and not its 9:00 pm. I have no life, nothing at all. All I do anymore is eat rarely, sleep rarely, go online constantly and watch tv whenever I can’t go online. I have no social life at all, well I do, but one the same as a bat, sleeps with others in the save shelter, but is always on its own, yep, thats me all right. My name is Raven. Im a 16 year old gothic/punk girl that is a huge social outcast, but do you think I care? no…except for times like this.
I only have one good friend thats not an internet friend. Her name is Chrystal, but the only time I speak with her is in school, so in a way I don’t have any friends. Tonight for the first time in a long time Ive acually felt what its like to be abandoned, I cant explain why tho. I have been really depressed lately, and I am doing nothing to stop it, I guess I like the feeling for some strange twisted morbid reason.
This is too much lately, I cannot handle this anymore. I cannot put on a happy content face for people! I have to end it, here and now.
I write down a letter to my mother explaining her my life, since she knew absolutely nothing about the real me, all she and everyone else knew was the cover.
After I put the letter in its proper place on my mom’s bed to be discovered by her I stick a knife into my pocket and leave the house. Its a cold winter night, around midnight now. I walk slowly down the street shivering from the cold seasonal weather. I finally get to my destination, its a huge tree that I often played around as a little child, before all my sadness happened. I sit on the cold frozen ground and think, think about my life in its short 16 years. About how i grew up, my family, my friends..or should I say aquantences, and just life in general. I feel at peace for the first time in 8 years. “hmm” i say to myself,” I’ll miss you Brandon, my sweet baby nephew, and you jen, your a great sister, and Scott, I couldn’t ask for a cooler brother in law, and Zombie and Stefany, you 2 showed me what good friends acually are even if you 2 were only online and Im sorry I cant come to meet you, just please dont forget about me, and PLEASE dont follow my example, same with you 2D, I really wish I knew how to hold on like you do, but oh well, my wounds just cry for the grave.” With this I take the knife out of my back pocket and look into the brilliant shinning steel that will end my miserable life.
One full hour passes and I cannot bring myself to do it. I sigh and start crying, “Why the fuck cant I do it! im so miserable! what is my purpose in life to be miserable!?” I start walking back to my home which i do not call a home normally, just an address where to find me any time, anyday. Suddenly out of nowhere a car comes speeding down the street and stupid me I just stare into it like a deer on a highway and think to myself “whats someone doing here at this hour?” then Im hit, Im thrown in the air and to the side of the street, the knife falls out of my hand and into the snow besides me and I fall still, alive, conscience, but unable to move. Pain overwhelms my body and i start to cry, I want to scream for anyone, but I can’t, it appears my jaw is broken, ‘Mommy’ I think to myself. I driver of the truck steps out and sees me, he cant believe it and doesnt know what to do. He sees the knife in the snow at his foot and takes it and pus it in my hand and get into his viacle and speeds off.
It starts snowing again and I still lay there, I know I have internal bleeding because i can taste my own blood full my mouth and pour out of corners. I think to myself as the sun rises and I know Im close to death ‘ so this is what it’s like, to know its the end’ I hear a scream and I see my mom, my sister Jen my nephew. I see how scared and shocked they look. I try to look up at them but I can only see my nephew sitting next to me, “hey Brandon…listen kid..dont forget about me ok? I love you..” and with that I fall faint and die.
My life was a very bad one, but if I could change anything about it, I wouldn’t die and I would tell so many people that I acually do love them. Oh well, cant change the past..Life goes on…

a single leaf falls on the frozen ground
silence the loudest noise to be heard
deafeningly frigid wind rushing past
blowing the leaves around his black cloaked body
standing, waiting for something
although no one knows what
the tall boy with black and red hair standing
alone…always alone
wearing his Cradle of Filth shirt and huge pants
always he stands there in my dreams
he wont go away
saying what he has always said
on the black background on the frigid day
“I fucked you, and I will fuck you again,
I will fuck you until you love me.”
over and over again screaming
telling me I will love him
no matter what
forever…
it’s just too long
i cannot love for that long
it is his fault
that unthinkably violent boy
the boy that would be a man
wanting me to love him
my visage becomes that of a grimace
remembering the first time
the second…
the third…
over and over
his writhing body motions
all of his strength pouring into holding me under
keeping me from rising to the top of my dark emotions
repeatedly
never again
i dream of him
he consumes me
the man with the single peircing
the boy…
with the eyes that peirced my soul
his crystaline blue eyes staring right through me
oh no! foot fall
here he comes again
pray that the black door will not swing
on its pristine silver painted hinges
that the creak of the wood on the floor wont move toward me
but away
somewhere different, not here
let the boots stomp into another room tonight
dont let him take advantage again
twisting my raven hair
nervous and expectant
knowing where he comes
praying he will leave
i hear the screaming
heard the slap
oh cruel ficticious god
sending him here again
rays of light pour in onto my wan face
as the creak in the door sounds
standing in the doorway is the trench coat shadow
of the boy that would be a man
his face still red from the slap
walking in and closing the door
here he comes closer and closer
one step
two steps…
on me…again i dont want it…yet i say its ok
why do i do this time and again
allowing him to do this
he is hurt, and i am hurt
both of us hurt over one mothers slap
his mother slapping him
me staying here with him…
its his eyes fault
they pull me in
their melancholy sadness overtakes my senses
all i can taste, smell, feel, or see is him
his beauty, his love
the taste of his blood mingling with my own
a cold knife coming down on my skin
relief from the pain
setting me free
then comes the needle
the sweet needle that keeps me whole
together we dance with this fatal love
forever…
eternity we will love each other
even if we try to deny it…

why the hell do pple have to put other pple into catagories? itz like we’re not satisfied if itz not done. ever1 does it, i do it without even noticing even though i try so fucking hard not 2. and all of u that might comment in this or read this does it to. i hope im not the only person thatz wondering WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH US!!!!!

Ignorant, pessimistic, social land dwellers!
Living your lives with deceit and corruption.
Basing your soul existence on the income of your jobs.
So high and mighty does your pedestal take you,
Above the madness of the world.
Only, it takes you to a harsher death of not only the body… but the mind.
How does it feel to be like the rest of us?
Stripped of your fragile adolescent shell?
Thrown out amongst the wolves…
Watching bright-eyed and dumbfounded as they tear at your flesh,
Being nonchalant that you’re still conscious…
Watching the blood slowly trickle into an abyss of continuation…
Playing spectator as it coagulates and congeals to produce corporations and industries…
Manufacturing child labor, brainless employees, disgruntle supervisors, and sleezy executive co-workers.
I guess evolution takes no prisoners…
Otherwise we would all be intelligent apes…
Instead we’re retarded ones…
Hiding behind shields of a powerful tools to save us from the real world.

God, wish I were Ari…

…get your paws off me…

“I am a girl of color now,” she tells the mirror, again. I lay sprawled on th bed and watch her adorn herself meticulously. She brushes her long raven locks and braids them into one thick rope, adding such garish decorations as sparkling butterflies and golden flower clips. I sigh but she appears not to take notice.

“I don’t want to hear a word from you,” she tells me, her lips scowling as she brushes her eyelids with gaudy glittery pink eyeshadow. She slips on dangling gold turquoise earrings and a matching necklace around her bronze nape. I pull the sheets off and stand beside her. She looks at me from the mirror and I kneel down next to her chair. She kisses me gently on the forehead with her ruby red lips.

“You didn’t change your lipstick,” I tell her. She shrugs, gets up and wiggles her slender body into a pink sunflower dress and a lavender jacket. Her feet glide into neon purple flip flops and I withhold a cringe as she inspects herself in the mirror.

She does not ask me how she looks.

“I’m going out now,” she tells me. We kiss good-bye and I watch her open the bedroom door, a blinding flash of sunlight invading the comfortable darkness and piercing my blue eyes. She is gone and the room is back to itself again.

I crawl back into bed and turn on my side, there I am face to face with an old picture of her taken some months ago in a park just before sunrise. She is wearing a gray corset and a long jet black skirt. She had been dancing with herself nearly all night. I remember watching her hair flow freely with the wind, her brown eyes heavy with mascara always on the moon, twirling for it. She smiled a lot back then, with an exhilaration I haven’t witnessed in weeks. In the picture she is smiling, her lips a crimson red.

She kids herself. She may be able to fool herself, but not me.

I turn over and close my eyes, ready to sleep away the sun.

She didn’t change her lipstick.

the moon shining off of her pale pristine body
outlining her perfect figure
the corset pushing in her imperfection
she must be perfect
her own hands pulling the bondage tight
she must not free her natural shape
her false ugliness might show through
her black hair falling around her glowing white neck
shining from the beauty she “doesn’t” have
the true perfection of her body must never be revealed
the destruction of her thought process
she tied the lace too tight
how…did her self consciousness
leat to her…demise
reach for the string
a futile attempt to free her gorgeousness
before she did die
the string is knotted
she will be buried in the self conscious shroud of a corset

i think i hav finally decided to come out with some of my inner turmoil. ( an otherwise seemingly
inconsequential indulgence). so it might come out raw,before i decide to cleave and butcher it with
knives of reasoning and cleavers of criticism. when i mention/refer to ‘come out from the inside’ i can
clearly visualise pulling my heart out in my palm, watching it with a stoicism that can only fester hearts
swollen with revengeful passion and nurtured with betrayal, abandonment and hate, it is in the nature of
the leaches so why complain?? but why the confusion???its the perfect human trait, the uprisal of an
urge is noticably ignored and denied by those who refuse to identify its very own grace.its a very raw
feeling that i can get sometimes, {& i happen to be the only person to recognise
its very subsistent existence and the roots (drenched and lying in its own very blood)} and by raw i mean to
depict a heart ripped apart violently by nails of fate, with its inner raw pulp exposed to public scrutiny}.

so am i heartbroken???oh please i would be begging a far less degradation;i feel bereavement
of a close one, i feel dismemberment, i feel denial..i feel pain; pain sufficiently calculated to awaken the
inner hurt, pain sufficiently calculated to quench childhood the light of its eye. well their is always a
method in the madness. gangrene, bio-mechanical and thoughtless become the mantras of life..days just
seem to pass by un-noticed.to remember happiness which can not be restored is pain, festering in our
minds and doing the same to our hearts and the fond memories, eyes dimmed with a moisture that
might have been taken for years. seclusion is often one of the best softeners of pain that ingeniuty
can devise…so does that mean i shave my head off, sit alone secluded..turn goth and wear black
beads just to show the world tht i hav changed and it has been a positive indelicate change curbed
into my lifestyle(already done that…heh…)?contemplation of chimerical suicide?no….its just an exaggeration of the fact and
probabaly the dawning of realisation that its its about to cease…well then genufleXion to evil ways
seems to be the best help out.

days will defintely pass by(they always do)…strong ones will survive and might become a force to reckon
with…weak ones will linger onto them…everything will turn back to normal again…cicatrix will seem to
be jaded…in time as well as in memory..and i will just like others. thank you pain, seclusion, acids and not to forget
disillusionment for helping me survive ….heh…(wry smile).

(POETRY SUBMISSION)

THE PASSING OF THE DARKNESS

The blade sings in this blasphemous hell
It calls upon the Crone, upon her spell
All that was once good and just will fall
Death to all that lies within the sacred hall

Haunted by nightmares, you will find no sleep
Instead you will be frightened by the dark and weep
Here she comes, the Evil, the Hag of Night
She binds your voice, restrains your sight

Her spells call forth the flaming hounds
The dead rise from the darkness of their mounds
Swords are drawn and blood runs red
Forgotten is the laws of old and what was said

There she comes, the dark sorceress and wraith
Bringer of Doom, Harvester of Hate
Dark and terrible is the power she unlocks
At the sacred and blessedly holy Equinox

Calling to the underworld, she summons pain
Swarm of locusts, fire and unholy rain
To a dark and unforgiving sky we pray
Wishing for nothing but the light of day

And see, the Maiden hears our plea
For once more she comes before me
Bringing the dawn and blissful light
She vanquish the evil and makes it all right

Have faith in thy Goddess for the evil has passed
And now we are free to celebrate at long last
So give praise and call thy priest
For now it is time to feast!

i lay in this bed of pain
i try and i strain
i pout and shout
but i cant get out
locked in my head
is this what its like to be dead?
i can only imagine
in my little world of pretend
it never ends
dreams becomes nightmare
oh so quickly
tricky as it may be
dastardly deeds
you cant see
the wounds and scars i hide behind dying eyes
trying to rise
to pull that which is me from this shallow grave
all in a matter of a day
i fall and sway
i hope and pray not to stray
with blood dripping and demons cackling
it is too much
this which i am tackling
so take me now and throw me away
for this is all i feel
all in this day you went away
the day you left
the day you went away
that is the day i died inside my head

kill me now i dont care how
sword or gun as long as its done
make this breath my last
just hurry up and make it fast
end this life now end my heavenly strife
make it go away as blood drips from the knife
the time is now ripe please
wipe away these sins and forbidden lusts
it is my own death to you i put in my trust

I was over at his house that night, and we were watching movies in his room. His parents were out for the weekend so we had his whole house to ourselves. He got up to get some drinks, so I was sitting alone on his bed. He had been gone for a while, so I got up and turned around to see what he was doing. It turned out he was standing right behind me, and when i turned his way he put his arms around me and we started making out. He pulled away and began kissing my neck while his hands started massaging my tits underneath my shirt, his fingers tracing circles around my nipples. He lifted my shirt over my head and kissed his way down between my tits, where he undid my black lace bra and licked my nipples, gently taking each one in my mouth and sucking and biting them softly. His hands slowly caressed my body, making their way down to my pants, where he undid them and slipped his hands down my panties, pushing them past my feet, so i was completely naked.He put his hands over my hot pussy, and pushed one finger inside me. He began pumping it in and out of me, pressing the walls of my cunt with it as he kept sucking and kissing my chest, making my nipples hard. He pushed another finger in and they both went in and out, stretching my pussy and making me moan. He kissed and licked down my stomach, and quickly put a third finger in and fucked me with his hand as fast as he could while he licked up and down my slit, stopping at my clit and flicking his tongue over it as his fingers were banging in and out of me. He got up and we started making out again, the taste of my wet pussy still lingering on his lips. As he grabbed my ass and pulled me towards him i could feel his hard cock pressing against my naked body through his jeans. With trembling hands i slowly undid them and pulled down his boxers, releasing his huge cock. He pulled off his t-shirt and i stepped back a little, in awe of his perfectly sculpted body. Suddenly aware that he was all mine, at least for a little while,I jumped on him in anticipation, knocking him onto the bed. He smiled and moaned as i went down on him, licking and sucking his cock, working his balls with one hand, and rubbing everywhere i could reach with my free hand. As i dug my fingernails into his leg, he groaned. He liked the mixture of pleasure and pain. I could feel his body tensing up, getting ready to cum. Wanting to postpone this, i squeezed the head of his dick tightly, putting him through intense pain and stifling his urge to orgasm. Realizing what i was up to, he sat up and began licking and gently biting my earlobe, then whispered, “Do you want me to fuck you, babe?” I nodded and he smiled mischeviously as he pushed the head of his cock into my tight cunt. He asked if i wanted it all, and i replied no, i needed it all. He thrust the rest of it inside of me, tearing away my childhood, my innocence. It hurt like hell, but it felt so right. He kept thrusting in and out of me, slowly at first, then faster. He pulled out and roughly turned me face down. “Get on your hands and knees, bitch.” he demanded playfully. “Yes. master.” i replied, and did as he told me. He grabbed my hips and gave my pussy a long, wet kiss before entering me again. With every thrust, his dick hit me in all the right places and his balls slapped against me. He was rubbing my clit with 2 fingers and fondling my breasts with his other hand. My cunt was exploding with more orgasms than i thought it was possible to have. Then, at last, he tensed up and came inside of me. I could feel his hot cum inside of my pussy,and it caused me to have the longest, full body orgasm that i’ll ever have. He pulled out of me and we lay back panting, sweaty and exhausted. He put his arms around me and kissed my forehead, sighing in satisfaction. After we both caught our breath, he whispered to me, “You know what?” I shook my head, afraid that if i used my voice it might shatter this perfect bliss. He yawned and right before drifting off to sleep, said, “I really love you, Kris.” and lay his head right beside mine. That night i fell asleep to the rythym of his breathing.

Be thankful you’re in a society which even has Goths. Where i’m from, Singapore, Asia, its nothing but culture, culture, culture. Well, heck! I mean, we don’t even have a right to dress the way we want. Its like, you wanna wear something outrageous, most likely, you’re going out to club. There’s no way you’re gonna walk around the mall in goth outfits. Stares, gossip, insults. It never ends. People think you’re just following the west, you wanna be American. Its fucked up! Well, hell, so what if i’m dressed in black or don’t look like your average Singaporeans, fuck it. I wanna be me, lemme be me. Get this, when the police pass by you, the apprehend you saying shit like, “you wanna join the next freak show?” I mean like, leave me alone. You ain’t me, heck, you dun even know me! They don’t know whats goth about. Being goth is what the society make you. Even before being goth, you’re outcasts, so why not just be an outcast totally?!! They see shit like this and they think we wanna attract attention. Hell, attention from who? From what? We don’t need attention. We despise it! For those goths, remain goth. Don’t change cuz the world wants you to. Fuck the World!

She wakes…Shackles around her wrists and ankles, linked to heavy chains that bind her to the rack. Her body, hardly resting on the heavy splintered wood. How long she has been there, she cant remember. Her limbs stretched to the limit, her sockets all but pulled apart. Her body ached and she moans weakly. The footsteps fall close around her, as she struggles to open her eyes… Nothing, she sees nothing, it is utter darkness around her. She fights to wring herself free of her restraints, her body on fire from the pain she has just been dealt. Ridden hard, and put away wet. Every muscle ached and screamed as she tried to pull on the chains. She screams softly, her own voice mutted by its hoarsness. Her throat was on fire.

Suddenly a door open and light filled the room. Solid concrete walls. Device of torturous pain all around the room. Whips hang along the walls, cat of nine tails, chains and shackles of all sorts, gags, and other deviant sexual toys strewn on tables, paddles, stockades, cages, and swings, carefully placed around the room. And she was on the most splendid of all… the rack. Her body has been pulled, and stretched, contorted, and violated. Abused.

The foot steps fall closer to her, she can hear them at the foot of the rack. She strains to lift her head to look at who is there, but cannot because she is too weak. She feels a finger tip slowly running along the arch of her foot, to her ankle shackle, then over her muscular calf, to her extended knee. Shivers ran through her body, her nipple rings stood on end as her nipple grew erect. Her body stretched so that the slightest breeze was an extreme sensation to her. Her flesh burned, being pulled so tightly. A wet hot burning flowed over her inner thigh as his tongue made its way up it, stopping right before her abused sexuality. She whimpers as hot tears run down her face, burning her cheeks as they roll over them falling to the floor.

He places his hand on her mound, and runs it up her stomach, her body taunt from the rack, pulling her in every direction. She twists in pain as his hot hand makes its way up her sensitive skin, to her nipple. He firm grips one of her rings, giving it a quick and painful tug as he leans down towards her, his breath stinging against her. His mouth closing around her other nipple, as he takes the other ring in between his teeth, yanking roughly on it. She whimpers and pushes her body up, trying to relieve her breast. His hand moves quickly to her collar as his teeth release her nipple, his head suddenly next to her ear. In a low but harsh voice he says, as grabbing the hoop at the front of her collar, jerking her to attention.

“Do you not like the pleasure I give you? Isn’t this what you were asking for my precious,When you so blatanly disobied me?” The tears flowed freely down her cheeks now, as she whimpered softly, “Yes Master, I love the pleasures you give me. I seek your attention all I can.” He chuckles sadistically as he releases her collar, and walks over to one of the many tables with deviant toys layed about on them. He grabs a candle, and looks back at her, straining to raise her head to watch what He is doing. She hears the flick of the lighter ring through the silent room, and cringes. She knows what is about to come for her.

Walking back to her slowly he tilts the candle from side to side, allowing the flame to lick and caress the wax as it melts a nice pool of it in the center, around the wick. He looks at her, watching her laboured breathing, making her chest heave up and down. He walks up next to her, holding the candle above her stomach. He watches her eyes move with the candle as he moves it up and down right above her torso. He slowly begins to pour the wax on her stomach, moving the candle up to let the wax splash when it hits her skin. She yelps as the wax burns against her skin, cooling slowly. Turning into hard little splashes and bubbles against her body.

He looks hungrily at her breasts, the erect nipples protruding into the cold air. He leans down and sucks one of her nipples into his mouth, clamping down hard against the tender flesh with his teeth. Twisting and turning the nipple ring with his tongue. She squirms against her restraints, as she whimpers and moans. He bites down harder, making her moans turn into whines and small squeels, of pain and pleasure. He releases his hold on her now even more tormented nipple, and straightens up.

Looking her in the eye, he raises the candle above her again. He slowly tilts the candle, so that she can watch as the melted wax starts to form a bubble over the edge of it. She inhales deeply and holds her breath, as the small droplets of melted wax begin to land on her tits, from her cleavage to her hard nipples. He allows the wax to poor over them. Coating her rings, that are standing at attention.

He begins to rub the wax loose from her skin, leaving red blotches and welts on her soft already overly sensative skin. She cringes with pain, holding in a high pitched scream, as the wax pulls the almost invisible little hairs along her flesh. Her fingers clamp over the cuffs around her wrists, and her toes curl under, as it is almost too much for her already in pain body to handle.

He again leans over and begins to lick the red marks left on her body with his hot tongue, burning her just by the touch of it. She bites her lower lip trying to forget about what he is doing to her, trying to release her mind from this anguish. He then ran his hot tongue up her torso to her neck. Biting down on her soft skin, running his tongue along the flesh he held between his teeth.

He releases her, and moves his mouth to her ear again. In a lower and more calm voice, he said “Have we had enough my precious? Can you handle much more?”. Her eyes all but begged for this to be done, but her response simply was, “what ever you wish Master, I am yours to do what you want with.” He smiles at her as he turns. Walking to the table, he blows the candle out, and sets it back down.

He turns slowly, facing her once more. He conceals something within his hand, as he walks to the end of the rack. He sets something next to her waste, but she could not move her head enough to see what it was. She heard the hinges of the lower end of the rack being changed, and suddenly she feels the wood under her legs and ass give way. Swinging down on its hinges with a loud squeek, and sudden thump that made the whole rack shudder. Making her body jerk on her restraints hard. A yelp escaped her as her socket were pulled harder upon.

The lower half of her suspended only by the swinging beams that held her restraints. He took the pin out of one of the beams hinges and moved one of her legs out, spreading her legs wide apart. She felt her muscles being stretched tight, as soon as the resistance was too much, he replaced the pin, that held the beam in place.

He walked around her leg and came up to her in between her legs. She could see his face, and the sick sadistic grin he had on it as he reached up to where he had laid the new device of pain he grabbed off the table. He slowly runs his hand over her pussy. Exposed as it was, by how far her legs were spread, he had no problem hitting the clit as he rubbed his palm hard against her. She tried to pull on her arm restraints to escape his rough, fondles, but that only led to her ankle restraints digging deep into her flesh. She gave up the struggle.

She then felt a somewhat cool liquid being poured over her, dripping down her lips, seeping its way down her slit, until it reached her back hole. He then returned his hand to her, running one finger along her slit, spreading this liquid all over her nether regions. He plunged a finger deep inside of her, curling it towards him, she shifted against her restraints again, as she releases a moan.

His finger moves in and out of her, her own juices begin to flow from her. mixing with the lubricant he had already applied. She feels the wetness spreading down her.

He removes his finger from her cunt, and licks it. Smiling at her, his hand once again vanishes down between her legs. He runs his finger down the length of her slit, to her anus. Slowly he runs his finger around her small tight puckered hole. She squirms as he slowly applies pressure against it. Pushing his slicked fingers into her ass. He slowly works in and out of her ass hole, as she squirms and moans. Trying to relax so it does not hurt, she begins to enjoy this a little more than he wanted. He roughly shoves his two fingers knuckle deep into her. She screams out, filling the cold room with her shrills. He chuckles as he slowly spreads his fingers against the resisting hole. Stretching her open, she squeals in pain.

Suddenly there is a brief relieved period as he pulls his fingers out of her, only to be replaced with his little devious instrument. He plunges a plug deep into her ass, making her scream out. She cries from the pain, the tears rolling down her face. He had not prepared her for the size of the plug, being 5 inches long, and about 3 ½ inches thing. Slowly she tries to relax, although she is finding it quite difficult seeing as her legs are straining to support her weight as her lower half of her body dangles from the restraints. He pressure and pain slowly subside, as he begins to run is thumb softly across her clit. She sphincter muscles slowly relaxing against the plug, hugging and holding it snuggly inside of her.

He rubbed harder on her clit, forcing her moans to grow deep within her. She couldn’t help but grind her hips upwards, against his hand. As soon as he felt she was enjoying this a little too much, she suddenly felt the plug come to life within her. Vibrating and gyrating deep inside her, stretching her contorting her insides. She bellows out against the deep hum emminating from with in her. Her muscles contract fiercly against the intrusive plug, making her pain even more exquisit.

He stands there watching his work on her. Her tears running down her cheeks, forming puddles on the ground below her head. She squirms and pulls on her restraints, blood actually had begun to drip from her wrists and ankels, from where the cuffs where cutting into her skin. He smiles at himself and at his pet. How he makes her break for him.

Slowly he walks closer to her, smelling the aroma of her battered sex, with the sweat of her tortured body mingling in the air. He walks up between her legs, and slowly unbuttons his pants, letting them slide down his hips, over his ass. He pulls out his raging hard on, and begins to brush the tip of his cock agains her wet cunt. She squeals at the thought of anymore penetration, and he stops. He moves away from her and walks around her leg. He is looking down at her now, into her eyes. Without saying a word, she is begging him not to intrude what orafices she has remaining unfilled. He smiles at her, his wicked and sadistic smile, as he leans down and say. “Open your mouth my pet.” She wimpers but obeys him. Opening her mouth as wide as she can, he fits the ball gag in place, and secures it behind her head. No longer would her screams be a hinderance to his pleasure with her.

He returns to between her legs, and begins to slowly stroke his cock, making the erection return completely, as his eyes move across her body. He presses the tip against her clit, rubbing it back and forth slowly, watching her writhe beneath him. He presses against her more forcefully, hearing her moan through the gag. He runs himself along her sex. He can feel the vibration from the plug against the tip of his cock, pushing a bit against the plug, pressing it deeper into her.

She whimpers and squirms in her restraints, as he chuckles softly to himself. How much he enjoyed watching her, watching how much she could and would take for him, watching her body shake and contort just by his slight touch… He grips his cock tighter, drawing his hand slowly up his shaft, drawing a white drop to the tip of his cock. He slides his penis slowly up her sex until he feels the warm, tight, deep, dark entrance of her cunt. He slowly presses his hips forward, sliding deep inside her with one long slow thrust.

She wails through the gag as her body tenses, her skin on fire from being stretched completely. She feels his hard cock stretching her to gain access into her tight cunt, she feels her inside walls gripping every inch as it slides deeper and deeper into her. Her wails change from wails into moans, as she is being completely filled, until his body is tightly nestled against her.

He begins to slowly grind his hips against her, pushing himself deeper yet. Exploring her within. He enjoys the muted moans pour from behind the gag in her mouth. He reaches up and cups her breasts in his hands as he starts to gradually withdraw from her. His fingers lightly grazing her nipples, making them spring to life, hardening almost instantly. He kneeds and massages her breasts pinching her nipples between his fingers and thumbs, rolling them back and forth between them. When her moans begin to increase in volumn, he suddenly rams his cock deep inside her, as his fingers dig into her breasts. He begins to thrust deep and hard into her, her pussy clinging to every inch of him.

She can hear the slapping of their bodies connecting with every thrust he assaulted her with. Each slap creates a stronger, new burning sensation throughout her body. Overwhelmed by the mixture of pain from her body and pleasure from him, she cums, harder than she ever had before. He feels this begins to get more forceful, as he slams deep into her, one of his hands leaves her breast. Sliding its way down her stomach across to her hip, he drags his fingers along her hip bone, then down around to her buttock. Grabbing it firmly, he begins to massage his way across to the crack of her ass… Without missing a stroke, he finds and grabs the anal plug and begins twisting and moving it back and forth within her ass…She screams through the gag as her orgasm races through her…

Plunging deep within her he can feel the pressure building within himself. He knows he close to cumming also, he withdraws himself from her cunt, and walks around to the head of the table. He loosens her gag, and grabs a handful of hair, making her face him. With his free hand he guides his cock to her lips, she is clenching her teeth firmly, and will not give. He pulls harder on her hair, practically yanking it from the root, she opens her mouth to gasp at the pain, and he places his cock in her mouth. She ponders biting him, but thinks better of, if she gets this as punishment for self gratification, she could only imagine the pain she would experience from something of that nature. So slowly she gives into his will, allowing his cock pass through her lips, and over her tongue, she gently brushes the tip of it with her tongue, as her lips tighten around the shaft. His grip gradually loosens on her hair, but he guides her head along his shaft, till he can feel the back of her throat against the tip of his penis. He thrust his hips forward, pushing the head deeper into her throat and watches her body wretch as she gags on it. He holds her head there, making her gag reflex tighten around his cock, her tongue trying to expel the violation. He then begins to withdraw slightly letting her recover from the urge to vomit, then again he plunges deep into her throat, this time, she is more prepared and takes it in deeper, holding it there wasn’t as thrilling as it was the first time, but he did anyway, until the urge to continue the thrusts surfaced. He then began thrusting into her face, pubic hair brushing across her nose as he buried himself deep within her mouth, her tongue pressing hard against his shaft, and her lips tightly clenching him.

Sucking as hard she could, as the tip passed over her tongue, and back into her throat. She could still taste herself on his cock, as she sucked even harder, he would bury himself deep in her throat and hold it there. She took this time to moan and let the vibrations run through her throat, against the tip of his cock. He jolted with this pushing deeper, as deep as he could, her nose was buried in his pubic hair, pressed against his skin, she could smell his sweat, mixed with hers, and her remaining juices left on him. He began to pull out as she exhaled through her nose, he could feel her breath against his wet shaft and he moan, pulling her tighter, he unexpectedly thrusted back in, deep deep into her throat, she felt him explode there, as she tried desperately to swallow, not wanting to choke on his cum, but unable to swallow properly due to the intruder in her throat. She felt his streaming down her throat on its own accord. He withdrew from her mouth, as she sucked hard on his cock as it left her, and he slapped her face with his semi flaccid cock. The heat of the blush of humility burn her cheeks. Never had he slapped her with his cock before. How humiliating, how degraded she felt at that moment. He then dressed himself again, watching her the whole time, laying tied to the rack, naked, tortured, welts and and bruises all over her body. He smiled to himself as she looked at him, humiliated. “have you learned your lesson?”, he said to her. She couldn’t bring herself to speak. She nodded to him, looking to the floor.

Slowly he walked back to the side of the table. He roughly pinched her nipple one more time, then attached the leash to her collar, before he unshackled her from the rack. She slowly tried to get up, but her strength had been left upon the table. He helped her to her feet, where she collapsed to her hands and knees at his feet. She kissed him praisingly for being released from the shackles. He began walking out of the room, leading her still on her hands and knees down the cold stone hall, to her cell. He opened the door, and the lights from the lantern filled the hall. She couldn’t wait to fall onto the comfort of her cot, but was shocked to find it was no longer there. Instead of the cot there was a steal barred cage, big enough for her to lay in. there was a cup and some food setting outside the cage, just barely within her reach. She looked up to him, then back at the cage in disbelief. He nudged her into her cell with the heel of his foot. She fell into the cell, clumbsily, still lacking her strength from the prior treatment. He opened the cage door, and shoved her inside. Closing the door quickly, and clasping the pad lock closed on the hinge. He looked at her sternly. “Its not over you know” he said to her as he extinguished the lantern, and closed the door to her cell. Leaving her in the cold, damp darkness of her lonely cell…..

To Be Continued.

The heat and the sandstorms are the worst. I can deal with the idiots, and the transparency of their thoughts. Death is only a moment away, but it has somehow passed me by. I’ve looked into dead eyes, and heard the screams of friends and foes alike. Covered in blood, head to toe, I stood in the shadows, waiting to feel the stinging bite I knew was inevitable….but it never came. Lucky I suppose.
I think of home and those I love, and those I’ve never met. One of these days, I will go home and try to pick up the pieces I left scattered. My dreams do not haunt me now, and I think they never will, but the heat and the sandstorms are the worst.

Here’s to those who made me cry
Three cheers to those who made me want to die
One less person to make you look good
Daddy I’m behaving like a good girl should
I’m standing on the building daddy Now what do I do?
Jump off the edge daddy? I can do that too.
I’m fat, I’m strange,I’m ugly
That’s right says daddy now say it again
I’m fat,I’m strange,I’m ugly
I jump off the ledge
Insults flying past me,A knife’s razor edge
Smile and don’t look back says the dad who never cared
It’s alright says daddy don’t be scared
But you’re holding the knife daddy says she the ugly,
crying in her head
Everyone knows you’re ugly You deserve to be dead
She takes the knife and presses it against her wrist
Now before you go give daddy one last goodbye kiss
Goodbye I hate you says the girl with no remorse
Shut up you stupid girl I hate you too of course

As soon as she had finished tracing the names I passed out. I don’t know what happened, but when I woke up there were about six or seven people around me. As I looked around I realized that they were the rest of the characters from the stories… I was thinking whoa hold on there a minute. From the look on their faces I knew that this was just going to get stranger and stranger.
“I can’t believe it” one of them said, the one I was sure was Stefan. He wasn’t the tallest, but he had the most beautiful oak green eyes just like in the books. I, of course, felt like maybe this was a dream and I was hoping I was going to wake up any minute…..