Entries from September 2003 ↓

femine pallid face
in a twisted smile
morbidly staring
the frigid corpse
writhing with the flow of the water
underneath the transparent icy barrier
holding her under
vigorously dead
opposite of her life
dull, emotionless
numb, devoid of all truth
she lived
i stand and watch her beautiful body
naked, yet fully clothed
the bright night rays
reflecting her beauty
sending her radiance far and wide
i knew how she died
her head i held inside my hand
watching her body
shoving her gorgeous face into the glassy depths
attempting to preserve her visage
so i may look upon it in times to come
i must not let her grimace go unattended to
i must admire it longer
the body…
its floating away
forever gone…

I’m the kid at the back of the class,
Whom no one chooses to like.
I like to wear black,
and hang with my friends,
Especially during the night.
Preps talk about me,
For I am different,
They aren’t too excited about change.
The often say I am wrong for my beliefs,
And shall pay for it someday.
One of these days, It will stop.
For I am sick of their shit,
And what them to pay.
But as of now, I will just sit here,
And wait for that wonderful day.

‘Hate’

Right now I hate you.
I cannot believe you did this to me.
What did I do to deserve this?
I don’t want your fucking pity!
The last time you did this,
I let it go unseen..
But as of now I’m done with you.
I don’t know if you record will ever be clean.
Just get away from me!
Right now I’d like to slit your throat.
I could care less what pain you feel.
Nothing could be worse,
The pain just feels surreal.
And I am as I was before,
Alone and crying on the floor.
With all this hate,
I am trying to hide.
I keep it all bottle up inside..

topic: poetry

I should be hearing all this sounds
But I hear nothing
All I can hear is
The silence inside my head

I should be hearing all this sounds
But I hear nothing
All I can hear is the silence
Inside my head

Every day I hope the moment to see you
I thik it moment is now………

My room in red is waiting for your green eyes
I key to enter in my world…
A world to stay whit you

Your are mine, and you know that
your soul in mine, your body arround
a night whit you, a day to die

One step up, one step down
my soul is off, your body ran
then I wake up…..but I´m not alive.

I am dark and disturbed
I wonder why I am here
I hear blood curdling screams
I see people being tortured
I want to see people hurt and cry out for help
I am dark and disturbed

I pretend to be happy
I feel alone
I touch the axe blade
I worry about nothing
I cry never
I am dark and disturbed

I understand that what I see and feel is wrong
I say that everyone should live their own lives
I dream about blood oozing down a white wall
I try not to hurt others
I hope to see black when I die
I am dark and disturbed

as i close my eyes i feel it all slipping away it’s because of darkness that i feel this way when im with you i have it all the love comes back happiness is what i mostly lack i hold on to you and let go of all the darkness and all the mess. the darkness of what i feel inside i can not get by. darkness… as in what i see every damn day. darkness… darkness of society. darkness of my sorrow of what i’ll feel tomorrow darkness of my life. i close my eye’s and you slip away

Benieth these falling bridges I stand,
Closer to the edge with razor at hand,

Born to a world thats filled with sarrow,
Living each day, with no tomarrow.

If living hurts then what of death?
Will I feel pain as I take my last breath?

I can’t hear you scream through the sound of the rain,
Can’t hear your cries, your whimpers of pain.

You are loosing me, My eyes are turning gray.
You stare into my eyes, But I look away.

The skies don’t look so dark anymore…

Chaotic threads of thought
rips through my mind…
boiling and seething in madness.
The sharp bite of pain
ebbs and flows,
as my life’s blood drains in darkness.
A downtown street,
or a vast, inhospitable wasteland,
this is no place to die.
I don’t know how I got here…
I barely remember why.
Unforgiving, endless heat
renders me helpless,
as sounds and flashes
assault my senses.
There seems no end to this madness.

Um, i guess this belongs under POETRY……*shrugs*

Sight blurred
Flesh crawling
Begging to be put
Out of misery and despair
Wanting back
What was once taken

Beautiful days
Of bright sunshine
And singing birds
Now dark times
Mind shut down
Cannot hear my screaming words
Sweet roses
Grassy paths
Become blown dust
And hard cold steps
Tears stream down
On cheeks that once blushed
Blood pours
Sweat drips
Nothing more than blinding lust

Mistakes have been many
But I do not believe in blame
Take what you have
Come after some more
For all you’ll see are my slit wrists
Making sure to leave a stain
On that hard gray floor

Where you once killed me
When I was still innocent_

You’re the torment of my soul.
You plague my dreams and become them.
In my dreams, you are my enemy,
The one that I wish to destroy.
But when it’s time for me to stirke my final blow,
I can’t do it, I just can’t destroy you.
I can’t kill you, I can’t force you to your death.
Then you laugh as you run your sword through me.
Before I die, you kiss my blood-covered lips
And whisper farewell as a I wake up from the nightmare.
I sit there in my bed, my bare body shivering
At the thought that one day the dream
Will soon become a reality.
One day, I will have to face you in a fight to the death
And I fear that I won’t be able to walk away from it alive.
For as much as you torment me,
As much as I despise you,
I’ll always love you.

WHY?
WHY am i still here
WHY wont he come for me
WHY wont they leave me alone
WHY wont they stop torturing me
WHY am i still here
WHY do i put up with it
WHY cant i end my pain
WHY am i still here
WHY arent i dead
BECAUSE
BECAUSE of you i am still here
BECAUSE of yoy they wont leave me alone
BECAUSE of u they torture me
BECAUSE of u i am still here
BECAUSE of you i put up with it day after day
BECAUSE of u i cant end my pain
BECAUSE of you i am still here
BECAUSE of my love for you i am not dead

I hate you more than words discribe
why can’t u just lie down and die
all u bring is misery and tears
and why do u think i’m so depressed?
could it be i have no father left?
and the one i do is dieing away
Damnit! why can’t it be u?!
fuck being like the father i never had
u are the father i never had
u could just call, u know u could
one phone call could change a life
but u couldn’t take just a min. to call, or to check in
so what the fuck am i doinf wasting my time on u?!!

ok , i just realised that i’ve wasted 2 years in middle school and now i officially entered my local high school with bunch of closed minded fucks. the thing is, i was perfectly normal lookin (yea, image, yet my mind-set didnt quite match my outfits), damn, im tall, skinny (model lookin bitch, but somehow my anti-social behavior is ruinin shit 4 me) blonde hair, blue eyes, hell, i look like 1 of those mall sluts and im the livin proof ur screwed up mind can mess evrythin up 4 u pretty badly. im sorry 2 post this message but i really have 2 let it out since im goin insane. i dont label myself, but it all started when i just had enough of this bullshit with bunch of happy sluts and assholes runnin school and shit and if u dont suck up 2 any of their asses, ur basically doomed. oh fuck, i’d rather b doomed than give head 2 homeless like my high school peers… theres bunch of fuckin posers, (YESPOSERS) that shop at hot topic , (located at ur local mall, yea, how “underground”) and havin shoppin sprees with their mommy’s credit cards and shit. bunch of so -called skaters (most of them dont own a skateboard…go figure) and cheap sluts runnina after them cuz they’re desperate 4 attention lil hoz. how easy it is 2 just simply go 2 hot topic, get ur fake gear on and have the nerve 2 call urself a “punk” yea, cuz good charlotte is soooo spooky and gothy-like and sooo punk, theyre right on the money. it sickens me 2 my stomach seein them pretend 2 b shit and suck up 2 other fucks who dare 2 call themselves a part of some fuckin underground movement (again, their gathering may found at ur local mall) they r no fuckin different than preppy herpie- spreadin sluts , and i cant stand this shit anymore… some bitch wearin korn t-shirt has the freakin nerve 2 look at me like im fuckin crazy and shit- WTF??? i used 2 “look normal” cuz i suppose its nice 2 feel appreciated (YET i WASNT) so i just told evryone 2 go fuck themselves and im finally emergin as my true self. im not desperate 4 attention, im ratehr anti-social and have breakdowns a lot and some violent outbrakes of rage, but I CANT GET ANY PROZAC (DAMN IT!!!) i have 1 friend…. whoa…. yes, ONE, she s a punk, i mean a PUNK, not that mtv shit they try 2 pass as the real thing. I guess im just havin 1 of those breakdowns, sinc ehighs chool started and my life is so fuckin pointless, but i’ve always had that lil bit of hope in theback of my head, sayin maybe it’ll change, and i’ll actually do sumthin with ,myself…. my mom is bitchin bout the stupidest things… ok, 1st of all i wear is only blk jeans and some shirt, nothin that would b disturbin in skoool or anythin., i mean, i dont wear a baphomet round me or anythin, but again, those minless fuckks think its sooo trendy now 2 think ur fuckin different and stuff, so they usually are right there followin another trend, those unconcious shit heads… ok, again, i just want 2 apologize, and i dont even think any1 will read , yet 2 response 2 this… im sorry..

I woke up this morning feeling really weird, anyway i get dressed and get ready for school just like every other day caught the bus, soon i start to feel sick as the sun rises this winters morning. My eyes blinded by the sunlight, my skin feels like its on fire, suddenly i have the urge to drink blood i see this girl louise is her name i hate her with a passion i walk up to her as she goes to kiss me i sink my fangs into her fat neck lovely warm blood, i try and stop myself but i can’t then i drop her limp body to the floor and i run into the woods, realising what monster no god i have become……

Alone I lie on my bed surrounded by night
I no longer sleep at night
For each time I try to close my eyes
I see twisted vivid images of angels burning
Screaming my name, screaming in vain
Their voices slowly fading into oblivion
Like my subconscious, like my life
We are puppets in this apocalyptic carnage
Each time I breathe
100 people die from pollution
Each time I eat
1000 people die from hunger and suffering

child tears and religious lunacy fills my head
taking it almost to the limit of pressure
should I let it out, should I let them win
in the big end it matters not
everyone must die and parish
so what difference should I make
one human caught in all this madness and self-delusion
I see how the youths life is slowing spilling away from them

So I ask you now, within the eye of the storm
Did I let you down
Am I to be forgiven
Did I laugh when I should cry
Smile when I should be I grief
Look away when I should help
No ocean can hold my tears
No storm can control my mind
No world will ever bring me down

YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME

My first poem on this site so I, please, need feedback

You said I was your best friend,
That I could talk to you any time,
But now I’ve realised you only pretend,
To understand this life of mine,

I’ve asked you for advice before,
But you apologise saying you do not know,
And it’s been your reason several times or more,
If you do not understand, why not say so?

I’ve confided in you, my darkest secrets,
I’ve let my tears fall on your shoulder,
But I think all you do is forget,
So the night begins getting colder,

You don’t understand me now,
I can tell, then why not tell me?
Because I’ll show you why, where and how,
Next time just ask me please,

I can’t stay your friend if it’s tainted,
By lies and false reassurance,
For someone like you I’ve constantly waited,
For, to help end my endurance,

I can’t stay wallowing in the dark,
So please tell me the truth now until the end,
Stay with me; don’t stay apart,
Just promise to be there and not to pretend.

As he sat on the damp Earth with her, he felt a throbbing pain throughout his lonely heart. A single tear slid from his dark eyes and down his cheek. When she made no response he just wiped the tear away, as if ashamed. Oh how he wanted her to just hold him close, just once.
“Why couldn’t you stay?” he asked in a whisper.
She made no reply again and he frowned.
“You know I love you, you know I need you,” he whispered again.
Hearing nothing for the third time, he turned to where she lay and touched her icy cold plaque. The touch of the cold metal sent a shiver up his spine and images of that tragic day flooded his mind.

It was about a week ago and he had been walking home from school. Just passing the bakery he heard his name called out by an angel’s voice and he turned around to see the sight that kept him alive every day.
“I have something to tell you!!” she called out from the other side of the road.
He frowned wondering what it could be but smiled. It couldn’t be anything bad; she was smiling.

He studied her entire being for a split second and smiled. He studied her crystal blue eyes, her medium length red hair, her porcelain skin and her figure. He had loved her for a good few years but had never been able to tell her. They were the best of friends and he didn’t want to ruin that. Also he didn’t believe he had a chance; she was out of his league.

He then watched her quickly tuck her red hair behind her ear and walk over to the crossing, she carefully walked into the middle of it. How was she to know some drunk would come speeding around the corner?! If only she had waited a minute or two….

Time slowed right down as he dropped his bag and ran over to her, hoping that he could just push her out of the way and be the hero she may want to love one day. But he knew deep down he couldn’t get there in time; the car had hit her before he had even reached the crossing.

It hit her with such an impact it sent her delicate body into the air and about 10ft in front of the car. He clutched his stomach as if he had been hit himself, the sight before him tore him apart inside. It felt like someone had punched him right in the heart. How could someone hurt such an angel?! How could someone be so stupid?! Why hadn’t she waited just a minute or two? She can’t die, right?! All of these questions zoomed through his mind before he let out a sudden burst of emotion.
“No!!” he cried out as her body hit the road.
He ran over and knelt down beside her. The sight alone nearly killed him. Blood trickled down from her head and her nose. Her eyes were full of tears of pain and fear as she looked up at him.

He stayed with her until the ambulances came, not letting go of her hand. Her friends all circled around her, fearing for her life and paramedics doing the best they could at the time but her eyes were still fixed upon him. Before her final breath she spoke to him with a weak but still heavenly voice:
“I needed to tell you…”
“Shh…it’s ok,” he said.
“No I need to tell you…I love you, I didn’t want to ruin our friendship but I needed to tell you,” she whispered.
“I love you too,” he told her.
He stayed like that until her very last breath. She then closed her eyes and that was the last time he saw such a beautiful and crystal blue.

And now he still stayed beside her.

He took his hand away from the plaque and began to silently cry while talking to her:
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I should’ve gone to you. You didn’t need to go, I need you.”
His tears were choking up his words and he even struggled to breathe.

(Forgive me by Evanescence)
I’d give anything now
to hear those words from you

Each time I say something I regret I cry “I don’t want to lose you.”
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.

‘Cause you were made for me
Somehow I’ll make you see
How happy you made me

I can’t live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive

So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I’m screaming inside that I’m sorry.

“I love you, please come back…..”
He placed his fist on the fresh, damp Earth and let his tears spill and sink into the ground, secretly hoping that it would bring her back. When nothing happened he took out a single red rose, placed a single but loving kiss onto it and placed it onto the Earth.
“I will always love you,” he promised.

That night he took a knife and dragged the sharp blade across both wrists vertically, hitting the veins and letting his blood spill on the floor. He slipped into unconsciousness within minutes and tragically died within a pool of blood before he was found. In his pocket was one single wish; to be buried beside his first, true love.