Entries from October 2003 ↓

Here we are back in this cruel cold world again,
Where my countless sins I wish to amend.
Fireless sighs and calming breaths,
slowly patiently waiting for death.
Hunger, Sadness, Depression, Betrayal,
I always try hard but I always fail.
I want to die but i want to live,
I always receive but also want to give.
Letting go and breaking free would be a big relief to me.
But here I am, I am still here, where I can’t shed just one more tear.

Walking at midnight,
Is when you feel best,
Peace and quiet is what you long for,
The hot-cold night with the faint porch lights,
Is really what you want,
Some time alone,
Away from the messed up home,
The pressures of your life,
Now its time to go,
Back to that place called home,
To a room with padded walls and straight jackets,
With parents and rules,
Who think they’re so “hip” and so “cool”,
To bad they live a lie,
And you live with them,
So you fallow the rules, and live with the walls,
Hoping that one day you’ll leave it all.

chaosity is my name,

chaos is what i do best.

i have smelt the stench of it,

i have tasted the blood of it.

i have heard the screams of it,

i have felt the rotting flesh of it.

Yes i am chaos,

CHAOSITY99.

It seemed to be a day like any other. Jen didn’t go to school, because her mother was ill and she had to take care of her five siblings. She would have gone to the pharmacy, but her mother adviced her not to go, since she heard someone shooting in the streets this morning. Jen shook her head and said that she’s going to be alright and went anyway. She had told her siblings to lock the door twice and not open to anyone, just in case, altough they all knew the rules of this ghetto already.
“Hey Cooper,” she greeted the janitor’s daughter.
“Hi…” she replied nonchalantly and continued sorting the trash out. Cooper was a short tomboy-like girl with glasses that seemed a little too big for head. She hid her brown hair under a huge NY cape, which she had stolen in the mall two years ago. She was one of the few white girls in the ghetto neighborhood and you could never see her hanging out with friends. She had none. Her mother told her it was best to stay out of any groups, it was just too dangerous around here and you could not trust anyone. Not black people nor white people. Stick for yourself, avoid conflicts and you’ll be just fine.
“I’m going to the pharmacy, want to go with me? We might meet Mike on the way, he always gives me fags,” she added enthusiastically and picked up a bottle, which Cooper had dropped.
“I’m not going out, you fool. Didn’t you hear the shooting today? The Panthers are around again. But if you don’t value your life not even a little bit, just go ahead, get killed.” Jen wasn’t all too surprised about her answer. Cooper was always playing the cool and careless person, she never had a nice word left for anyone. But Jen knew that she was happy if someone talked to her and made her day a little brighter. Altough, she’d never admit it. Never.
“Fine, I’ll be going then,” she turned around and went downstairs. “Oh by the way… Could you stop by our door and check out if my folks is alright? They won’t open, but just make sure you hear them from inside.”
“Meh,” frowned Cooper and kicked the garbage can angrily. /It must suck to be responsible for a ghetto flat, which didn’t leave any hope for seing better times/, thought Jen and vanished outside.
There were almost no people outside, just like she expected. It was quite usual to hear shoots in the neighborhood, but still people were frightened by it and didn’t leave their apartments for the whole day.
The woman in the pharmacy examined her carefully, but when she saw that Jen didn’t come to beg for medicine, she took her money and gave her the pills. Outside the pharmacy Jen saw a black woman with her little child, who was coughing and breathing heavily. She asked Jen for some money to buy medicine for her child, but Jen only shook her head at her and hurried back home. The longer she left her family alone at home, the more dangerous it was for them. She knew that she couldn’t be a big help if the Panthers broke into their apartment and killed them all, but she wanted to be with her family most of the time, if possible. That’s why she didn’t go to school every day and that’s why she always asked Mike or her older cousin to get groceries for them.
She sighed in relief when she entered the flat and hurried upstairs to their apartment, when suddenly she heard Cooper screaming from downstairs. It came from the basement. She wondered what had happened, but was too afraid to go check it out. After a second scream, she decided to go take a look, she couldn’t just left Cooper on her own. Rushing down to the basement, she dropped the medicine in hurry, but she didn’t go back to pick it up.
“Please Xenia, don’t hurt me!” cried Cooper and fell down on her knees in fright. Jen wasn’t careful enough and the Panthers already saw her coming down the stairs into the cold and dark basement. Suddenly, they all quited their laughter and the only noises remaining in the room where Cooper’s sobbing and the quiet humming of the electricity provider in the background. Jen just stood where she was and glared at Xenia shockedly. So, her old friend became one of the Panthers… She was not only scared, but also dissapointed in her. Xenia used to be one of her best friends to hang around in the evenings. They shared their stuff and even food, when there were bad times and no money.
“Now look who’s come to get punished,” Xenia smiled mischeviously at her. Jen knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to run away. Neither would it be good to get in a fight, it would be impossible to fight the hunk Xenia and the other Panthers in the basement. Someone kicked Cooper in the face and she fell back on the cold floor.
“What the fuck are you doing?!”
Xenia slowly approached the screaming Jen in anger: “Watch what you are saying, punk. We used to be friends, but you betrayed me! You are nothing but a worthless piece of shit for me! And if you don’t shut your fucking mouth we’ll kill you both!”
Cooper started crying even louder and she ran to hide behind Jen.
“Let her go, she’s got nothing to do with this. Your anger is aiming towards me, isn’t it?” said Jen with a shaking voice and pushed Cooper up the stairs. The girl used this chance and ran upstairs as fast as she could. An older Panther wanted to run after her, but Xenia held him back with one hand: “Let her go and cry, the big baby. We’ll have some fun with her tomorrow. We’ve got a more important guest amongst us now,” she nodded to Jen smilingly. Two black guys grabbed Jen by the shoulder and forced her down on her knees.
“What have I ever done to you, bitch?! You make me puke!” screamed Jen almost in tears. But she won’t show any humilty towards Xenia. If she has to die, she’ll die with pride.
One of the black guys tied up her hands behind her back and the other pulled her hair back forcefully: “Watch out how you are talking to the leader, bitch! Now go kiss her feet and cry that you are sorry! We might have mercy with your pitiful life then!”
A girl with devilish red hair laughed aloud: “Yeah… we MIGHT!” The others started laughing with her, but Xenia’s countenance remained the same.
“Tell me that you are sorry for what you said! Tell me that you are a slut and beg for mercy! You better do so!!” Xenia kicked her twice in the stomach and in the head. Jen’s nose started bleeding and the salty taste of blood soon reached her lips.
“Never…” she muttered back and the laughter of the other Panthers suddenly stopped. It’s gotten serious and they knew what was going to follow.
“Alright,” Xenia shrugged in a played nonchalantly manner and gestured to a younger blonde girl, who’s been sitting in a dark corner all the time. She quickly hurried to her leader and handed her something.
“Let’s show you our lovely photo collection,” she smiled devilishly and put the first photo right in front of her bleeding face. “Now this is Mr.Monday,” she dropped the photo and showed her the second one “This bitch was a pain in the ass on Tuesday,” and continued with the third “And this dude’s unlucky day was obviously Wednesday.” Jen held her breath as she glanced at the pictures of corpses lying in a puddle of blood. The third photo was Mike’s. Tears were rolling down her hot cheeks, but her eyes were wide opened and she wasn’t sobbing. They’re not going to get her down… never.
“You bitch.. you killed Mike..” she muttered again and closed her eyes, to push the horrible picture out of her mind. So that’s why she didn’t see Mike today in the streets…
The young blonde girl was staring at her like enchanted by something. When Jen opened her eyes again she remembered that she knew the girl from somewhere… Yes, damn, it was Cooper’s half-sister! She’s come to visit Cooper in this flat only twice in her whole life. The girl was still looking at Jen, not blinking even once.
“Give me the knife,” said Xenia to her.
“I can’t…”
“Give me the fucking knife!” she took the knife out of the girl’s grip. “If you disobey me again, you’ll end up just like this bitch in a few minutes!”
The blonde girl retreated a few steps back and untied Jen’s hands. “Pray,” she whispered to Jen and left again to her dark corner.
Jen put her hands together and started praying. If there’s a god, he must help her family. She didn’t think her life was all that worth, she’s never reached any big and important goals in her life. But her siblings are still young, they’ve got all their lives before them. If there’s a god, he must help her family… The quarrel and laughter of the Panthers soon got overvoiced by a gospel chor in her head. They were singing Eternal Grace, just like on the sunny sunday three weeks ago.
Jen glanced at the shining knife. Is this how she was going to die? Is this the final end? She remembered that movie she saw the other day… the guy in it said that before you die, you see a quick flashback of your life right in front of your eyes. She closed her eyes again, but there was nothing. She didn’t see her mothers smile, nor a sunset. Neither was there Mike or her first boyfriend. Not even Joe’s Ice-Palace in weird blue-yellow colours. He always said it gives the café an Italian touch to it. And then Mike laughed at him and teased him that ‘Joe’ is not an Italian name… and then… Joe got mad and cussed in the only two Italian words he had learned from an old mafia movie. On saturdays he would give Jen the rests of the half melt ice-cream which he couldn’t sell. He would put it all in a big bowl, a little pink… and green… and mmm brown…. and….
Jen opened her eyes and got blinded by the shining knife aiming towards her head. …and black….

———————————————-

Two girls got so sick by the view of a knife stabbed right into Jen’s forehead that they threw up on the corpse. Xenia laughed hysterically and kicked Jen’s motionless body several times, before she got bored and told the black guy to clean up the mess they’d made.
Ivy bend her knees and wrapped her arms around them. She hoped that no one would notice her in the dark corner. She wished that darkness would embrace her in its own quiet lust, she just wanted to dissapear this very moment… The smell of death was still so fresh. The reddish blood making a bigger and bigger puddle around Jen. Ivy was scared, because she didn’t feel anything. Her feelings were numb. There they were… all the wishes and hopes of a young girl, whos life has just begun, drowned into blood.
“Hey you,” called Xenia after her. “Give me the polaroid camera.” Ivy obeyed without questions. “And remember, if you disobey me again like you did before, you won’t be under our protection anymore. You are a Panther, damn it! No mercy! It makes me want to shave off your blonde slutty hair, bah..” She spat on Ivy and left the basement witht the others.
After an hour or so, she woke up and realized that she’d fallen asleep in the basement. All the memories came back to her. The red stain on the floor and a terrible smell were still there. The corpse was gone, though. She slowly headed upstairs, the stairs not so familiar any more. It was cold and she wrapped the scarf tighter around her neck, until she started breathing heavily. When she raised her eyes from the floor, she saw the janitor, her step-father, covering the graffitis in the corridors with red paint. Red. Red. Reddish blood pool… His hand moving up and down, his sleeves covered with the paint, red dripping down the walls and the brush. Up and down… Red. Red. RED.
The doors in the corridor opened quietly, one after another. People peeking in fright after Ivy. When she turned back, they would close and lock the door in a hurry.
She could hear Cooper’s hysterical crying and screaming.
“God, you never gave me the chance to tell her that she was my only friend!!!” Ivy tried to ignore her half-sisters mad screaming, which filled the corridors.
A woman stood there next to the janitor and cleaned the red paint, which had dropped on the floor, with a dirty cloth. She was the only one who turned to Ivy and pierced her with her tired, emotionless eyes, without turning her head back in fright. She knew what had happened. All the frightened eyes peeking behind the wooden doors knew the story. And no one wanted to be the next. No one wanted to be Friday’s victim.
Ivy’s eyes were still fixed to the woman’s eyes. It was the first time that a humble “Sorry, mum” wouldn’t make everything alright again.

all of these go under poetic….

(still thinking of a title for this one…)
nothing to do
nothing to say
i cry myself to sleep and every night
and cry waking up every morning
thinking of you….
feeling all alone and empty inside
even hanging with my closest friends or pouring my heart out doesn’t fill the hole that you created in my heart
how could you do this?
i see you look as you walk past me…
your eyes turn me stone cold that i get goosebumps all over
don’t lie cause i can see right trough you-
your fake smile and fake personality makes me cringe to even think of it

“Twice”
all alone and hopeless in the darkness that binds me
no one know what it is like
no one can see into these eyes
and read these thoughts
nor understand them
going on with life
feeling nothing but sorrow and guilt
looking at your face makes me feel like wanting to run and hide
nothing can change what i have done to you
what i make you go through
i don’t know what to do or say
all that i can do is be your friend…you are so kind to let me still be yours
i hope that you can forgive me for breaking your heart…
twice.

Society is a plague, it’s been said before… “the person is smart but the people are dumb”, conformity riddles the never ending agenda of daily life along with the violent but hushed death of free thought. The few keeping it alive are vastly outnumbered by modernized mindless zombies. The freedom of life, the only right we are truly given, destroyed by an army of corporate advertisements and an artillery of fast food. The brainwashing of must see t.v. while nuking your frozen microwave dinner… a population full of power hungry nicotine and caffeine addicts go about their worthless lies of lives, bowing unquestionably to their corporate gods. The ones who ask why, the few with the will of understanding are thoughtlessly cast to the side for fear of a free mind, thinking independently on it’s own without the infectious virus of control… Money and beauty rule over all, greed and violence reign in the almighty ‘Power Struggle’ shortly thereafter… in the end, the peace of mind that few possess will be the only peace left.

They sat for a long time on his bed in silence when his hand slid from his lap to rest lightly on her thigh. Zita looked at him oddly as he leaned in to kiss her. She moved back avoiding his lips. Luke looked into Zita’s eyes, an evil glint passed threw his piercing eyes. She looked at him frightened.

Luke shifted on the bed as he moved closer to her, using his left hand, he pushed Zita gently, but forcibly back on the bed. His right hand slid up her thigh massaging her crotch. Zita looked at him, her face showing fear, but also pleasure as she bit into her lower lip.

He leaned down to her crushing his lips against hers in a passionate kiss before biting her lower lip. His grip on her lip brought tears to her eyes as she now struggled to push him away. The harder she pushed, the harder her ground his hand against her crotch. Releasing her lip as he looked deep into her eyes as she involuntarily began to shudder as her orgasm grew. Seeing her so close to her peak, he stopped and pulled his hand away from her.

She peered at him with a look of confusion as he straddled her. He gently took her left wrist in his right hand as he pulled a tie from under his pillow, lifting her hand to the headboard, he tied her wrist securely in place. Then taking her right wrist, he tied it in a similar fashion. She pulled at her bonds testing their strength. He smirked at her as he reached to the nightstand pulling open the top drawer. He pulled out a pocket knife unfolding the blade. She watched him closely as her eyes told of the fear she felt.

He lowered the blade to the collar of her shirt and cut down the front of her shirt, pulling her shirt open to expose a black silk bra. He looked down at her admiring her pale skin, his steel gray eyes seeing the fear in her soft blue eyes. A wicked grin crept across his face as he pressed the blade to her exposed breast. Terrified, she closed her eyes tight and turned her head away from him.

Seeing the fear on her face, he leans down to her licking her ear softly with the tip of his tongue sending a wave of goose bumps over her body. She can feel his hot breath on her ear as he whispers in a deep tone, “I won’t hurt you.” Lifting the blade from her porcelain skin, he sets the glistening blade back in the drawer of his nightstand. A cold smile crosses Luke’s face as he looks down on Zita. Scooting back, he slowly unbuttons her pants revealing her silken black thong, pulling them down simultaneously with her pants, discarding them on the floor.

Zita draws up her legs trying the cover herself as Luke moves around to stand by the headboard. Reaching under the pillow, he withdraws two more ties and walks back to the foot of the bed. Zita lifts her head trying to watch him as he takes a firm grip on her right ankle trying to pull her leg straight. Frightened, Zita refuses as Luke shoots a piercing glance to her, speaking in a low tone, “It’d be in your best interests to cooperate my dove.”

Reluctantly she stops fighting him as he ties her ankle to the foot of the bed, moving to her other ankle, he ties it similarly to the opposite post leaving her legs spread wide for anything he may inflict upon her. Zita peeks to him, her soft eyes pleading for his mercy as his steel eyes speak of no yielding.

Luke walks casually to his night stand pulling out the second drawer taking out a glass with a red candle inside and a pack of matches. Striking a match he likes the candle and sets it on the nightstand as he goes back to rummaging threw the odds and ends in his drawer. Zita watches from the bed with fear as he withdraws two nipple clamps as he turns his gaze to her, a wide grin dances on his lips.

Standing beside the bed, he leans over her gripping her right nipple between his fingers pinching it hard as it comes to a bud he quickly places the clamp on it tightly. Zita lets out a cry of pain as the clamp grips her nipple, she fights back the tears that blur her vision as she watches Luke take the second clamp in hand. Again gripping her nipple making it hard before quickly catching it in the vice-like grip of the clamp making Zita cry out in pain once more. This time, slight tears roll down her face as she looks to him still pleading for the slightest bit of mercy.

Luke turns away from her as he takes the candle in hand, stirring it around a bit to see how much wax had melted, he looks to Zita with an evil grin. He reaches out with his free hand shaking each of her nipples to intensify her pain, each time she cries out in agony. Zita whimpers as she watches Luke walk to the foot of the bed, standing between her legs with the candle in his hand.

Luke lifts the candle up over Zita’s cunt tilting it allowing a small amount of melting wax to fall upon her exposed flesh. Zita cries out in pain as the wax hits her tender skin. Her back arcs in agony as she feels him pour more onto cunt, a pleasured smile graces his lips as he watches her writhe in pain. He pours more onto her now flaming cunt watching her bite desperately into he lower lip.

Satisfied with her reaction, he moved around the bed back to the nightstand setting down the candle. Turning he walked back to stand at the foot of the bed between her legs admiring the beautiful design of red wax cast over her cunt. Smiling to her as he reached up to her cunt peeling the wax from her and discarding it onto the floor. Once her cunt was rid of all the wax he ground his thumb hard against her clit making her jerk against her bonds trying to wiggle away from his hand.

Luke watched her face as it twisted in pain and pleasure, stopping as her muscles began to tighten with a building orgasm, her eyes looked to him pleading to push her over the edge. He walked back around to the night stand withdrawing a small whip, Zita’s eyes lit with fear as she saw him turn to her. Pleading to him, “Please no, don’t whip me!” She let out a cry as the whip struck across her breasts, lash after lash fell upon her silken flesh. When he had finished whipping her breasts, he slowly unclamped each nipple tossing the clamps back in his drawer.

Zita let out a sigh of relief as she felt he was finished. Her breasts throbbed, as she closed her eyes breathing deeply. Uknown to her, Luke had walked to the end of the bed. A lash of his whip fell hard upon her cunt, her eyes shot open as she let out a scream of pain. Luke began to bulge against his pants as his erection grew hearing her pain filled cries. He applied the lash to her cunt without mercy, when he finished, her cunt was now throbbing as well, he casually discarded the whip to the floor as he went about unfastening his pants.

Luke let his pants fall to the ground as he pulled his boxers down and stepped out of them discarding them with his pants before pulling his shirt over his head, and throwing it to the floor. He slowly climbed onto the bed between her legs, dipping his head down lightly licking her clit, Zita shuddered in pain. Luke climbed so he was a little higher than eye level with Zita, laying his toned form ontop of her, his hardened cock pressed against her aching clit. Smiling evily to her as he whisper in her ear, “Do you want it inside you?”

Zita looked into his eyes trying desperately to read what he was thinking, meakly replying, “Yes.” At that, he repositioned his cock so the head was pressed against her virgin cunt. His gaze burnt into her as he thrust his cock deep into her with all his might. Zita’s back arced pressing her breasts against his muscular chest as she screamed in pain, blood trickled lightly from her cunt as he continued to pound his cock deep within her.

Her screams now mixed with slight moans, as his thrusts began to move in rhythm. Luke panted and growled in her ear as his pleasure mounted. Zita clawed at her bonds wanting so bad to wrap her arms around him, to dig her nails deep into his back in extasy. She writhed in orgasm beneath him, biting into his shoulder to stifle her screams as he pounded his cock deep within her releasing his load, his body fell limp ontop of her as he panted. Their bodies convered in sweat.

Luke slowly got up and untied her feet, and moved to untie her wrists, speaking calmy to her between deep breaths, “You have to promise if I untie you, you won’t try anything stupid.” Zita took a deep breath so she could speak, her soft voice whispering, “I promise.” Luke untied her wrists and laid down beside her, to his astonishment, Zita scooted closer to him, nuzzling against his toned chest, she pressed her ear to him listening to his strong heart beat as he wrapped his strong arms around her.

They lay there for what seemed forever before Zita peeked shyly up to Luke, inching up a little so she may whisper in his ear, he felt her soothingly warm breath on his skin as she whispered, “I am yours to do with as you wish.” Luke smiled down at her whispering back to her in a smooth calm voice, “You always have been mine, tonight, I just made you realise how much you really are mine, in all ways.” Zita looked up to him slightly puzzled as he smiled warmly to her, the only reply that came to her mind slipped between her lips like a sweet carress as they lifted to his awaiting ears… “Yes, Master.”

In the velvet darkness of the night,
Singing songs while in other worldly flight.
I sit and dream of good deeds done,
In hopes to save this unworthy one.
In my heart the darkness grows,
And this is the way evil flows.
The battle splits my soul in two,
And now I know what I must do.
Never again to see the light,
To live forever in the dead of night.
I am here with new friends,
In a nightmare that never ends.
Of my soul I gave you all,
Now I wait for darkness to fall.
Because in the darkest dead of night,
Without a gleam of purest light.
I can wait for those who stray,
They come to me as my prey.

How will it end? And why do we wonder? this is not just about the ending…. its about time. Please open your mind to more options than just the implyed meaning. Thank you. This is for Maddie and Caroline

Under the clouds of radioactive dust, that linger like hate?
or fire
or ice
or water
or air
as long as its with flair,
Who cares?
Not me
standing here silently………..
but filled with screams
I wait……..
like a fly on the wall
for the swatter to fall
tensed to fly but then you die (sad)
never scream,never cry
A sadistic fantasy thats all it seems
but it will come for you and me
such harsh reailty
Remember though
before you die
you and i
will probally meet
on a street in our minds
or in a dream……..
and we’ll hold hands
and smile and kiss
And then we’ll walk to watch the world end

You think he does, but he just doesn’t care! The longer you sit and listen and believe the bullshit she closer the edge comes. You stand there, reaching out when you need him the most. The only reason he’s around is to push you over! He wants you to hit the bottom! He just doesn’t care! You’re already dead to him. Your face no longer exists. Peering down at you, watching you fall slowly into a pit of hell, he laughs! He just doesn’t care! You have to watch him with her! You want her fucking dead, but most of all you want to be dead! Your whole body aches, you feel the pain as your heart begins to break. He just doesn’t care! You finally grab your gun, you open wide, the pain is gone. He comes to see you in your dusty tomb, no tears, no pain, no nothing. He just doesn’t care!

As I enter
the gates of dispair,
a constant smell
of burning flesh taints the air,
creatures devouring souls for
wat they are worth
NOTHING!!
for there is no value of life
after the cut of a knife has ended it,

i look around for a place to sit and think
About why ive poured my blood down the sink,
My own demons torment me
driving me to insanity,
I feel my last portion of sanity SNAP
and i burn with eternal hatred,
i roll myself up into a ball
tossing and turning as i witness this fall,
the fall of my hopes and dreams
torn away from me like the ripping flesh
of humans, being feasted upon my demons insane
whos once were humans ..free from pain,
sharp pains…of twisting bone
pummel me as I watch the throne,
the throne of My tormentor, who for my hatred has grown,
An image placed in my head by my soul which is now
amongst the burning dead
My tormentor is me, And as I burn for eternity……
my torment burns me for eternity.
By Zac Brander

Whats the point?
Why do we…no…why have i held on for this long?
You have to admit,you’ve thought about it to.
…ending your life,ending all of the hell.

So for one more time i pick up the gun that has always been by my side.
It raised me,protected me,ruled me.

I look into the barrel.completly filled,all the bullets there,and yet…i seem to stall.Maybe im afraid.Not afraid to pull the trigiar but knowing were ill be going after this…ive done to much.It’ll never get any better

But i dont care i hold the gun under my neck,release the safety trigar and start to push but….i stop……..

Whats the point?
Why do we…no…why have i held for this long?
You have to admit,you’ve thought about it to.
…ending your life,ending all of the hell.

So for one more time i pick up the gun that has always been by my side.
It raised me,protected me,ruled me.

I look into the barrel.completly filled,all the bullets there,and yet…i seem to stall.Maybe im afraid.Not afraid to pull the trigiar but knowing were ill be going after this…ive dont to much.It’ll never be any better

But i dont care i hold the gun under my neck,release the safty trigar and start to push but….i stop……..

Seeing as how many posts say May 2003, I was wondering if this place died or something?

As she laid there under her willow tree, it bagan to rain softly, the cool air bagen to stir. She looked up into the grey sky and made a silent wish, she wished she could leave, wished she could just start floating up and into the clouds away from everything she knew, never having to look back. Never having to face her life again…all of her problems, fears, sarrows…they would all vanish. If she could leave earth, leave it all…
The rain was growing stronger now and the wind was picking up in force she got up and left the safety of her willow, she wanted to feel the cool drops of water hit her and travel down her body, to feel the wind blow around her. She began to run now through the grassy fields like when she was a little girl, when life was easier, she felt free again, as free as any girl could feel, she was safe…nothing could harm her.
The rain was now like speeding bullets coming down from the sky and the wind was howling, but she kept running. She didn’t know where she was, or where she was heading, she just wanted to get away. As she made her way she caught her foot under a tree branch and fell to the wet earth instantly breaking her neck…the rain softened and the wind died down…and the girl began to float up and into the heavens…

a beautiful sucide
a scarafice of love and body
words spoken but not forgotten
twisted and torn i lay here wishing
i had never been born
my emotions are so mangeled
i know not what it is i feel or where to do
i want to turn and run but you grasp is tight
im choking on my words of love to you
you? who are you ? why must i love you as i do? i want to but i dont such a sweet sucide our sacrifice for love and body
your beautiful face your delicate soul
i wish i was the one to heal your sores and cover your scars the tase of your tears would be so sweet if only i were the one to make them greet but im not i never was and never will i feel sorry for myself not and weep for me dont because in you i have found what i want what i wish to know and what i wish to be to me you have shown deep inside i know you are free set yourself away you need not these thoughts in which you confine free yourself you are free flesh and blood are beautiful but your soul the most beateous of all i would give myself away to heaven or to hell the angels could pull me apart and the demons mock for you i would die for you i would live in hell for you a suicide beautiful

terpintine valentine
i love you
i dont care what you say
i want you to be mine

you said you would never leave me
you said you would never lie to me
you cried and i thought that meant you loved me
you lied and i thought that meant you cried

terpintine valentine
i love you
i dont care what they say
i want you to be…mine

As I’m walking home from school, I notice that the only thing I can hear any more, is the thudding of my two feet, and the annoying prattling which is coming from my pencil tin. As my mind starts to think about the assignments, which was supposed to be done by tomorrow, I, start to hear something else. At first it was as faint as the wind, but then it steadily grew louder. “Tricia…Tricia…” I turn around expecting to see some of my friends hiding behind a bush, giggling. But when I turn around, I see no one. “Hello?” I say. Silence answers my call. I start to walk home again thinking that it was just my imagination, but I’m still going to ask my friends in the morning. Then suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my arm, as if a very fine splinter had just gone in. I stop, drop my bag, and inspect my arm. A drop of blood was there, but when I wiped it, there was no puncture marks.

The next day, when I got to school I asked my friends whether they followed me home. They just looked at me. I could tell straight away that they didn’t and they had no idea what I was talking about.

That night I went to bed and drifted off into a restless sleep. In my dream, a man was coming towards me and he was wearing a white jacket. He was holding a syringe filled with clear liquid, saying my name softly and telling me to calm down.
I woke up sweating.

In the following weeks, I had to many assignments, to dwell on the two strange occurrences, so I soon forgot about them.
After school finished, my friends and I decided to go on a holiday in the mountains to celebrate the end of school.

As I was driving us up the steep mountain to where we were staying, I noticed something moving in the corner of the mirror. As I studied it more, I realised that it was just a rabbit. Then suddenly, Jacqui screamed, and I remembered that we were driving up a very steep mountain with many curves.
As I looked at the road, I realised with great horror that we were heading straight towards a steep drop, and tried to slam on the brakes. I couldn’t do anything. We sailed through the guardrail and over the cliff. The last thing I remember was the rocky water rushing towards me, and the screams of my friends, then blackness.

When I woke up, all I could see was white. The only thought that flashed through my head was, ‘Am I dead?’ But then a man came in the room, seemingly from the wall. He looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place him anywhere. It was then that I realised that either I was dead, or I had been unconscious for a long time, because I didn’t have any injuries from the accident. The man kept coming towards me, muttering my name, and telling me to stay calm. Then his hand came from behind his back revealing what he was holding. A syringe filled with clear liquid. My mind started to race, and I remembered the dream that I had. I started to scream. Then he pounced on me, and stuck the syringe in my arm. The last thing I saw before blacking out was his nametag. It said John Waters, Psychiatric Hospital.

To walk where i have not known
To reep the seed of sorow i’v sown
Everything but me has flown
I wait to fly or to die
as i watch them in the sky
I will go walking around
searching for others in this town
there are none like me at all it seems….
small and dark without wings…
I AM DIFFERNT
thats all it means……………………………………..
then i see them…
walking by
Others like me left to die
We drain each other with our eyes
No more walking
Its not for me
i have discoverd my
my gosemer wings
one of me first poems on this sight plez be honest about it
thank u much

staring out the window
watching snow fall to the ground
I see a cold, desolate waste
no reason to stay here
but when I see you
all I see is you
my worries fly away
only to return again
once you’ve gone from my sight
why do I feel this way
is there really any meaning
in this life
that the inevitable death awaiting me
does not destroy
why should I care so for one
who doesn’t know me
nor I him
I would welcome death
with open arms
he is my father, my brother
and I long to be united with him
when will man conquer his arrogance
and realize that this life
isn’t worth living
my day will come
but for now I wait patiently
dwelling in this waste
brooding in the darkness
from which there is no escape
no light can be found
that could break my sweet ebony paradise
for I am the darkness
the darkness is me

Then on that day shall the darkness envelop us all
We shall all be powerless to stop the onslaught
Then shall fear, bitterness, anger, envy, terror,
Lust, rage, jealousy, and hatred enter our bodies

We shall all develop a sadistic nature, and all shall be exceeding pleased.
Inflicting pain and suffering upon others shall be our goal in life
Never shall a second go by when we are not devising means of exacting torture.

And what of our souls, you may say?
We have no souls.
We are living in a world when to have a soul is to be weak,
Yes, that day is upon us now.

We all have a dark side, which we like to repress,
But now and then it takes over, there is nothing we can do to stop it.

And why do we even try?
It is human nature to want to kill.

We should give ourselves over to our dark side,
Forget common decency; let our urges reign over what shall be.
We shall do a lot better for ourselves, you see.

Sheer lack of sympathy for others means that the weak and frail shall die,
As was intended.
Only the strong healthy individuals shall live on to benefit,
As was intended.
We all strive to reach our goals, but now we shall go to any measures to get them,
As was intended.
None shall oppose us; all who do shall be crushed,
As was intended.

Is it really so bad, we must stop and ask ourselves?
For deep down inside us, we all know, that we are Children Of Darkness,
And we long for these things to come to pass.

We were born in darkness,
We shall live in darkness,
And we shall die in darkness.

All hail the glorious Prince of Darkness,
Coming forth to claim his rightful throne,
His kingdom is now established
And it shall reign mightily forever more.

I wish I had been honest. I wish I hadn’t lied to him or anyone for that matter. But now that I have I must pay for it. And man does it hurt.

I have been friends with Ayla for almost 8 years, since 5th grade. She and I have been through some tough shit together. Most of it hers. I was with her when she was thinking about killing herself, I was with her when her parents were going through an ugly divorce, I was with her when the kids at her school were trashing her. I was with her whenever she needed me. And she was there for me.

When high school started our friendship didn’t change all that much. We still talked an aweful lot. Sure we were aquiring new friends and starting to develope personalities that were somewhat different. But hey everyone’s gotta group up. We saw each other a lot. At my football games or at her choir concerts or going shopping or to the movies. We even used to horse back ride together until I quite because school was taking up more time. Point being that even though we were at different schools we still talked and were still very close.

We became so close we started calling each other’s mothers mom, and told everyone that we were sisters. It was pretty much true. During the summer we practically lived at each other’s houses.

Then last year after my school’s fall play I introduced Ayla to a new friend of mine named Rick. He’s tall, I don’t know if you’d call him cute, I certainly don’t think of him that way, he’s got a crazy personality. He’s the more colorful friend in the bunch. But he’s still cool. I really regret ever introducing them. Ayla and Rick seemed to hit it off pretty well. They even made out when we went back to Ayla’s house after the play to crash.

After the sleep over at Ayla’s I talked to Rick and asked him if he was going to start dating Ayla. He said no, that he was just fooling around and having fun. I asked if Ayla felt the same way and he said he didn’t know. I told him to talk to her and to make sure that everything was ok with her, that I didn’t want her to feel like he had used her in anyway. He said he’d do it eventually and I told him that if he didn’t do it soon or if he hurt her I’d drop him as a friend. ::You must understand Ayla was like a sister to me and he had to know that she came first as a friend, it’s a matter of loyalty:: Well of course Rick talked to her and everything was fine. Everybody was happy.

The year went by in a flash like most school years, you don’t even see the end of the year til the last month and then realize that you don’t have a lot of time left. Ayla and weren’t talking as much as we used to but we still talked a lot considering we go to different schools, and we still saw each other whenever we could. There was always the summer.

This year was different. We were barely speaking to each other. We weren’t mad at each other, I figured it was just because we both had lives and were busy with them.

My homecoming dance was coming up and my best guy friend Jon asked me to go with him. I really wanted to get Ayla into the dance because she had come the year before and we had had a great time. So I asked my friend Rob if he would take her and he said no problem. He wanted to show his ex-girlfriend to fuck off and this would be a sure way to do it.

The day of the dance. Things went great. Ayla and I looked awesome. Our dates looked handsome. We had many blinding pictures taken by our mothers. And pretty flowers that scratched our hands. Dinner was a complete success. Every payed, no one skipped out on the bill. ::This was a group of 14 people so we had reason to worry about the check believe me::

We get to the dance and the music sucked. Of course, its a Catholic high school what do you want? I looked over every once and a while to make sure that Ayla was having a good time because I knew that she didn’t know Rob very well. They seemed to be getting along great. At one point during the dance I looked over at the two of them and they were kissing, and I thought “well at least they like each other and are having a good time.”

A few days after the dance Rob said that he was really interested in Ayla and wanted to ask her out but wasn’t sure if she liked him. I told him that I didn’t know. ::I really didn’t, Ayla and I hadn’t talked since the dance and she hadn’t said anything before she left to go home:: So Rob took matters into his own hands and went to visit her at work. He spent some time there with her to get a feel of whether or not she liked him. Then, because Rob has music practice at Ayla’s school and Ayla was at a football game while he was practicing he thought he’d find her car and leave her a nice note. The note said something about “hey how are you? I was in the neighborhood and I forgot to give you my SN. Talk to you soon.”

Well Ayla had Rick over at her house and told him that she was getting creeped out by Rob. That she thought he was kinda stalking her. She started ignoring his phone calls.

Then Rob saw Rick one day somewhere and Rick told Rob that Ayla didn’t like the stalking thing and kinda crushed him.

I was kinda angry with Rick for telling Rob because it wasn’t his place to do so. But I was so very dissapointed in Ayla because she didn’t have the guts to just tell Rob that she wasn’t interested in dating him. I mean all she had to do was say I’m sorry I just don’t want a boyfriend right now, she didn’t have to do the chicken shit thing and ignore him and hurt him.

Side note::Now mind you I haven’t talked to Ayla this whole time all this shit is going on between her and Rob. I’ve been finding it out from Rob and from one phone call from Rick.::

Well in the mean time I’m starting to plan my Halloween party. Usually every Halloween Ayla and I get together because it’s just tradition and you don’t mess with tradition. It’s my mom’s birthday too. Anyways. I’m plannnig this party and a few of us had decided that we shouldn’t invite Rick bacause at parties he gets to wild and can be really really offensive to people. So one night I get this call from Rick saying that he’s heard that I’m having a party on Halloween, and that he heard it from Jon. I paniked, I honestly wasn’t sure what to say. So I lied. I told him that Jon was on some kind of crack and that I wasn’t having a party, that my little annoying cousins were coming over to trick-or-treat and that it was my mom’s b-day. Which isn’t all together untrue. But I regret the lie.

Well this past Saturday I got a call from Rick and he was fuming mad at me. He found out from Ayla that I was having my party and that I had lied to him because no one wants him there. He was saying that I wasn’t a good friend and that friends don’t lie. Well we kinda left the conversation at that.

The next morning I got a text message on my cell phone from Ayla saying “I’m not coming to Halloween because you’re being a 2 year old” ::by the way that’s a quote:: The message had been sent a half hour after I had hung up with Rick.

So I called Ayla to try to resolve this. I really didn’t understand how it was any of her business, that it’s just between me and Rick, not her, but whatever. I called her. When she called me back today at play practice I was asking her why I was 2 year old and she said that it’s because I don’t know how to handle situations when they come up. ::this from the girl who couldn’t even pick up the phone and say no to a guy:: That I shouldn’t have lied. ::again this from a person who was in favor of me not inviting Rick:: When I said that I didn’t want to loose her as a friend over this she didn’t say anything. She said that it was already done, and when I asked what I could do to try to resolve this she said that we’d just have to “ride it out.” <--WTF does that mean? To me it says we'll see, on her terms.

When I ended the conversation I broke down and cried, I literally collapsed onto the ground outside my school and started crying. My friends Ashley and Liz came out side and hugged me and were very comforting. Then someone inside told Jon that I was crying and he came out to me immedialtely and I ran to him. I couldn't let him go or I think I would've fallen.

::Just so you don't completely think I deserve all this shit, I know it was stupid and mean to lie to Rick about the party. I should've just told him that no one wanted him at my house, but he would've been hurt either way. I do regret lying to him. Look where it's got me::

I didn't know what to do. I still don't. I've lost my very best friend and it's tearing my up inside. I regret everything. I'm lost. Is this all my fault entirely? My friends and my mom say that she obviously didn't value our friendship that much to put Rick first before me when I've known her a lot longer. Should I be feeling less or more guilt than I already am over this? What should I do now? Help me!

I regret.

My name is Elizabeth, if you wish to scream at me for being a horrible friend or have advice send it to UnspokenBetrayal@aol.com and please put as the subject something to do with the article so I don’t delete the e-mail. Thank you for whatever you send in advance.

dont exactly know where this belongs as I quite new to this site. Horror maybe

Pain…
As the burning sunlight reveals the scars of my malformed body I feel nothing but pain. I crawl deeper into the cold, damp shadows to seek the comfort of the darkness. The darkness takes part of my pain away, for the darkness protects my eyes from my disgusting body and helps me forget.
With the light the memories come back, all the suffering, the sorrow, the pain.
The depression comes creeping from deep down inside of my tormented soul, like a worm eating its way through my flesh, growing bigger every second.
As much as I know I can’t, I wish to die.
I know that I can never take my life even if I so wish every sunlit second of my life, for my life has a purpose. My life has been sacrificed to help those who hides in the dark. To stand up for the mourning hordes of lost souls who like me has lost their faith in life.
As the light begins to decrease I long for twilight. Only then the hunt can begin and for a moment I can take the pain away.

Darkness. Finally the cold darkness removes the burning light from the sky. It surrounds me, gently touching my body, healing my wounds and hiding my scars from my eyes. I can feel how my body becomes one with the darkness, letting me breathe again.

A cry is heard among the other predators in the night. I feel connected to them. Like me they hunt for food and like me they have an obligation to keep populations down.
But they are damned. Forever damned to be weak and outnumbered by their enemies. For where they fail I succeed. Where they hunt the old, weak and sick, I hunt the strong and healthy. This slowly weakens their kind and making way for the domination of mine.

I can feel something trespassing my territory, something that doesn’t fit in. The other predators can feel it too. A barricade of confident strength can be felt. Its moving in the night. It scares them, driving them back. But not me. I’m invincible in the dark. I know the darkness protects me, serving my very thought.
Behind the barricade I can feel something else. I feel that it fears the dark, fears all the shadows in the night.
It has to be one of them, one of my enemies. One of those who who keeps us down. None of my kind fears the dark.
It’s coming closer, driven towards me by the shadows it fears. I can feel it, smell it. I can hear its heartbeats, pumping fresh blood to its body.
I follow the disgusting smell. From the protective shadows of the night I study my prey. It is beginning to understand that its time has come. It is starting to panic. It realizes how weak it is, the comfidence is fading away.
As it is driven within my range I attack. I bury my teeths in its neck before it has a chance to provide any resistance.
The warm blood is pumped down into my throat. All the pain, the misery and the sorrow is driven away by the warm, pure blood. For a few minutes I feel perfect. I feel complete again.
Once again the cries of the predators echos in the dark. They can feel my victory, they congratulate me. They know the time is getting closer now.
One day we will all rise up and strike back.
How I long for that day.

I hear n see the anger all telling me what to do
Some tell me to do good things..others say to kill you
The good ones say be sweet and dont make a regret
The others are telling me..You haven’t regret hurting me yet
So I will go with the bad ones…and certainly torture you
Because seeing you hurt and pain in your eye
Seeing you pay for every single lie…
Thats exacly what I want to see
And let you know just how bad you hurt me…
I thought you cared…but I wuznt right
And then you left me…all lonely that night..
You said friends is all we can be…
I walked away in a good manner, but feeling lonely
I guess I liked you more than I really thought
And a large amount of tears and pain is all I have caught
But now it’s over because you have one last breath
Becuz soon to come is your torturing death
Yeah well don’t forget what playing with girls can do
Becuz look what is happening to you…
You led me on blindlessly
And when this is over I’m sure you will wish you never met me!

Alone
I lay here dreaming… awake…by the light that surrounds me
this blindness I can not see
I’m lost in myself
a mind can only take someone so far
This being I call by name… this vessel…It brings me shame
I look down upon who I am
I can’t see what others seem to know
By and by.. can anyone really let there true feelings show?
I lock myself in this place.. away from the eyes of those who look down on me
I think if I try to imgain myself gone maybe people will let things be
I lock myself away
”worthless” I breath upon my everlasting breath.
Not even those who are at rest can get away from themselves
These dreams we lock ourselves inside of
these relentless feelings of dispare…
Why dosen’t anybody care?
Why can’t I let you in…to take me away…to love me again
Why do I lock the door…seal it shut….would it be really all that much
I want to show you what I am… I want to be in your arms again
That warmth that surrounds you oh how i long…and wait…
Yet still……I have locked that gate.
I will keep you out…for eternity if I will..
Keep you at a distance..
fingers upon smooth glass wishing if was the figure of your face.
That smooth skin…if I only I could embrace.
I’ll keep you away from me…torcher myself…not letting myself live..
I’ll keep the feelings out and morn myself before I die
yet I tell myself.. ” Only god knows why”
Don’t you see .. I am alone… I am forgotten..
I’m gone.
I’m the person your mother tells you about
they say ” I just shut people out”
I tryed to love to be loved in return
I gave the world and I got nothing but a burn..
I gave myself..to…the ones I adored…
I let them come in…..they gave there word..
The past is now present and the future…it’s gone..
and yet I am here…. I have got to move on…
someday I’ll get out of this place…move forward from my mind…
Excape the lonlyness that has always lived inside..
I sit here .. in this corner… with tears stained upon my face..
but someday…I live a real life…
I just wish..it could be today.

by Melody Cloud 2002
Thanks for readin.. I hope you enjoyed my poetry.. I have more if your interested.. I’ll try and post.. thanks..

Black petals falling in the garden they traveled in my skin as blood travels in my veins, I wuz so glad that day that the sweetest remembers traveled through my brain, I remembered all my friend playing around the field, all my family in the same place, all my classmate making activities at school, but I suddenly remembered a little girl sitted on a dark corner, I remembered me talking to her and she telling me not to leave her alone, I wuz so worried about my reputation that I just leave her sitted over there, alone, with her lost sight and cold skin, few days later i saw her walking through me, with her sad face and her tearful eyes, I wuz scared, just by looking her sight, she suddenly fall… I run and looked at her, she wuz almost naked as if someone or something teared off her cloth, she had some blows and cuts all around her body, she wuz bathed in blood… she wuz dead…
I really freaked and felt as crap cuz I had leaved her alone, I picked her up and took her in my arms I saw her face and started to cry, I grab her hand and find a note, she wrote in there, that she had been rapped, she wrote in the note that her father wuz there, she said that he took some friends to her house, she said in the paper that she couldn’t handle her father being drunk, she said in the note that when she told how she felt, he took her with his friends, and all of those men rapped her one by one, she couldn’t handle all that pain and all that fear of being rapped again, she just find the way and she choose death, she cut her veins and walk to school to bring me that note with a black rose, as soon as she died and i saw her fall, I felt it wuz my foult cuz she told me not to leave her alone…
Then I raise and watch all those roses traveling in my skin as blood travels in my veins, I saw the whole garden full of black roses, I had a lost sight by looking the end, I saw a red rose with my friend that wuz dead, I walked trough her and just started to cry she didn’t blame me for leaving her alone she just hug me and forgive my mistake, she told me she love me and she suddenly left, she took with her all black roses and leaved some red…

crystal tears fall down and shatter
on the cold, hard surface of reality….
shatter like our delicate hopes and dreams
a million glittering razor sharp pieces
dangerous enough to see
even more to touch
lethal to pick up and hold…..

XI-XV-MMII

Darkness surrounds me
I begin to fade
Running through my mind are mistakes I’ve made
Then I think of him and I began to crack
My lost of love is what I lack
But he will pay for what he’s done
Because one of these days I will overcome
I will take over his soul
And invade his dreams
Show him what a dark world seems
Bring him torture oh so sweet
Because my broken soul..he cannot beat
With each and every up comming breath
The time gets closer to his morbid death
Than he will see
Exactly how much he meant to me
Maybe he will drop a single tear
And know his life is what he should fear

It’s hard to say how I feel today. When growing up, television, radio and culture finally opened up to my kind. The dark haired girl or the skawny guy finally tasted sucess. Even Sixteen Candles burned in everyone’s mind. Heros like scientists and nerds were finally execpted. Then by two thousands we aren’t human anymore.

Dark ugly figures running back and forth in the background, hidden from the “normal” people. Greek, Romanians, Bulgarians, Russians, Jews, mexicans, Irish and No One forgets the french are awefull monsters not even fit to be human. Even Dark Angel is a biological experiment.

What happened when Tom Cruise became Lastate not Julian Sands? Excuse his big nose, pale skin and guant figure. Probably too whatever, when Tom Cruise is popular. All the beautiful people on top again and we’re all in the shadows.

Is There Any End To This?!?!?

Emotional Torment
Not a single way to sedate
Dried up in draught
Not a single tear to shed
Endless dreadfull nights
Restless from tearless cries
Is there any end to this?

Look up, Down
All around
Nobody’s there
Look over, under
And look through
No one to care

Agonizing Demise
Not a single way to cope
Excrusiating pain
Not a single speck of hope
Endless Dreadfull days
Restlessness causing eyes burning
Is there any end to this

Look up
Sky made up
Cartoonish and fake
Look down
What do you see?
Nothing but ground
Look all around
There is nothing
And no one to be found
Look over
No observations to be saught
Look under
Nothing but a whole different world
Living incomprehensively
And look through
Realization of not belonging
There is no one there
No one to care
Is there any end to this?

<-*_*-!-AtReD-!-*_*->