Entries from October 2003 ↓

<<<*_*-Nothing But Fake-*_*>>>

Sarah 2 AtReD

I can’t handle it
It’s all your fault
I don’t want it
Lying and deceiving from the start

I don’t know who i am
I don’t know why it ends
I don’t know what i am
Crying was deceiving from the start

I don’t know why i like it
This pain that i feel
Take it out on other’s souls
Dying is relieving in the end

AtReD 2 Sarah

I neglect my thoughts
It is my fault
I continued for it
Your lying was prying from the start

I know who you are
I know who i am
But still i don’t know why it ends
I know what you are
I know what i am
Your crying was diseasing from that start

I know why you like it
All this pain that you feel
Satisfies your craving to take it out on others
Dying is relieving in the end

You are fake! Nothing but fake!
Your love
You care
Nothing but fake
Your hate
Your fate
Nothing but fake
Your word and you life
Is nothing but fake
Fuck you
You are just a cartoonish creature
And you reak of whore
DIE!!!
You’re Nothing But Fake!

Robert Kenneth Gaustad Junior
AKA

<-*_*-!-AtReD-!-*_*->

The knife rips at my flesh…
Blood stains my pale skin…
I have a sense of satisfaction…
And I do it again…

Nothing can stop me…
I wish you were here…
So I could laugh at you…
Without shedding a tear…

Here goes nothing…
Here’s the end…
I rip my chest open…
To where it can’t mend…

How does it feel to have your entire world crash down on you?
To know that after this is all over you have to start again?
I know what it’s like to bleed
To cry
To wish that you could die
I know what it’s like to get better, and see everyone around you suffer
To wish that you could suffer too, so they’re not alone
To cry when no one’s looking
To scream when no one’s listening
Like a diease that kills you from the inside out
Slowly you’ll die
You’ll be devoured
I know
I’ve been there……

I think you love me
I think I love you too
I think all I need is you
I think all I want is you
I think that everyone else is wrong
I think they’re jealous
I think they need to realize the happiness we have
I think they should suffer for so long like I did
I think I have the scars to prove my pain and suffering
I think they should realize what I have now

This suffering I can no longer endure
I can’t see myself without you
From the moment we met I knew
IT just took me to long to realize it
You’re everything I can’t find within myself
People say i’m crazy, but I want to be with you
This is new to me
I can’t remember ever feeling like this
You’re who I want
You’re who I need
I can’t wait until you’re back home with me…

Everyone wants me
I want him
Everyone wants to fuck
I want him
Everyone wants a peek
I want him
Everyone wants to hang
I want him
Fuck you
I want him
Do you understand now?
I want him
Fuck the rest of you
ONLY him!

You told me you love me
What am I supposed to do?
I don’t like you that way
We’re friends…
Isn’t that enough?
Apparently not!!
I’m in love with someone else
You know i’m with him
You say it makes you uncomfortable to hear about us
Well, how do you think I feel when you say you love me???

Afraid of life
Afraid of death
Afraid of peace
Afraid of war
Afraid of love
Afraid of hate
Afraid of lies
Afraid of truth
Afraid to be fun
Afraid to be boring
Afraid to smile
Afraid to frown
Afraid to have sex
Afraid to be a virgin
Afraid to get high
Afraid to be a loser…

Never looking over your shoulder
Afraid of what you’ll find
Did you ever think you’d be left behind?
All your friends moved on and you should too
Considering that they’ll never call you
When you return to the place where they all died,
Will you think of all the times you lied?
Will you think of all the times you shared?
And that they didn’t know how much you cared?
I think you will, I think you’ll cry,
And i think you’ll wonder why…

I rock back and forth, thinking only of you.
When I think of the times we shared, my feelings go blue.
At times I wish to curl up and die, all I want to do is cry.
I’m scared of my future, I’m scared of you.
Always looking over my shoulder, what will I do?
I thought the date would be fun, but instead it ended with me on the run.
After it happened I didn’t want to believe it. Now that I see the test is positive, maybe I should buy another kit.

There’s only one thing left for me to say:

I’m only 15, why’d it turn out this way?

.Seeking past this empty dream.
[Nothing's more than what it seems]
.Playful kisses under the moon.
[Too late my life is ending soon]
.Broken hearted, lost love.
[Gentle tears fall from above]
.Dripping blood, eye to eye.
[Smokey grey clouds fill the sky]
.Look of pain, I know it all.
[Inside your widen pupil I fall]
.Tempted slowly, your perfection.
[Doing things we cannot mention]
.Scented clean, drenched now in tears.
[Left empty, I'm left for years]
.Idle, alone.
[I should have known]
.Face covered with drips.
[Lost in the movement of your lips]
.Empty, hollow pleasure as one.
[Too bad it's over, what's done is done]
.Once you’ve recovered, I’m not the one.

[© Jessie Queen 2003]

I only do it for the rush it brings. the first cut always hurts… but it will bring you soothe yourself. bleeding is pure and relaxing as long as you don’t press to hard on your flesh.

this story can go under horror or death or even make a new catagory as Mysterys. im sorry this is the third one i have sent you… but this one is spelld correctly and stuff the others arnt… Heck you can even put it under poetic cause i put a small poem in their

“Johnney”
by
DaRkNeSSj

This is a true story and scars the shit out of me when I think about it…its 3:40 am now … my ride is not here yet… I knew I couldn’t rely on Johnny’s clumsy ass! I knew I should of drove home the other night from the hangover Johnny and I have been friends well… forever…….. I am sitting here waiting…….waiting……….waiting…… Nothing! “Where the hell is he!” I yell.
About 20 secs later my 6 year old brother walks in (people remember it’s almost 4 in the morning) and he says…. “Johnny was in a bad car accident and is not coherent.” I ask him how you know this. ……silence…… my brother walks out without saying anything…. it’s now 3:55am…… I am sitting at my computer when all of a sudden I hear thunder and see flashes from the sky….. It starts to rain….. Me being a crazy mother fucker go outside and start walking….
Im walking down 163rd ave. and bell road
When 2 patrol cars go rushing by me with their sirens on and blinding lights flashing….. I run down the street to see what has happened…… I see Johnnies car tipped upside down … I freeze and awful bitterness crosses over me…. I sit their watching… not moving speechless….; when an ambulance pulls up I see them pull 2 bodies from the car….. One sure enough was Johnny … the other…… My 6 year old brother………
.
.
.
Was this a dream?
Was I high?
Was I alive?
Was I dead?
Was I in my bed?
Till this day has no cured to the one I best lecture……
(The next day I see my little brother and I start balling and saying your alive! your alive! I asked him about lathe night before
And about Johnny…. He says who is Johnny and no silly-Billy im not dead and he said whets the matter with you?

I go tell my mom the story and she says who is Johnny… And you must have had a bad dream dear…… I tell her ill be back later……. I decided to go to Johnnie’s house and see what had happened… I drove right pass the crash site and I saw a bunch of broken glass and shit in the street… well I arrive at johnnies house I knocked on the door and was yelling “Johnny open up!”…..
The door opened up. An elderly couple was looking at me and the man said “can I help you?” And I said “hi im here to see Johnny” … the man looked at his wife and said “Sun there is nobody here but me and my poor old wife. We have lived here for years and nobody by that name has ever been here before” “I….I am sorry.” I say….. I leave and go home…..
All I want to know people is what the hell happened?!?! It seems there never was a Johnny but I swear to god that He was “real” and “physical” plz put your comments under my post…..

This is a true story and scars the shit out of me when I think about it…its 3:40 am now … my ride is not here yet… I knew I couldn’t rely on Johnny’s clumsy ass! I knew I should of drove home the other night from the hangover Johnny and I have been friends well… forever…….. I am sitting here waiting…….waiting……….waiting…… Nothing! “Where the hell is he!” I yell.
About 20 secs later my 6 year old brother walks in (people remember it’s almost 4 in the morning) and he says…. “Johnny was in a bad car accident and is not coherent.” I ask him how you know this. ……silence…… my brother walks out without saying anything…. it’s now 3:55am…… I am sitting at my computer when all of a sudden I hear thunder and see flashes from the sky….. It starts to rain….. Me being a crazy mother fucker go outside and start walking….
Im walking down 163rd ave. and bell road
When 2 patrol cars go rushing by me with their sirens on and blinding lights flashing….. I run down the street to see what has happened…… I see Johnnies car tipped upside down … I freeze and awful bitterness crosses over me…. I sit their watching… not moving speechless….; when an ambulance pulls up I see them pull 2 bodies from the car….. One sure enough was Johnny … the other…… My 6 year old brother………
.
.
.
Was this a dream?
Was I high?
Was I alive?
Was I dead?
Was I in my bed?
Till this day has no cured to the one I best lecture……
(The next day I see my little brother and I start balling and saying your alive! your alive! I asked him about lathe night before
And about Johnny…. He says who is Johnny and no silly-Billy im not dead and he said whets the matter with you?

I go tell my mom the story and she says who is Johnny… And you must have had a bad dream dear…… I tell her ill be back later……. I decided to go to Johnnie’s house and see what had happened… I drove right pass the crash site and I saw a bunch of broken glass and shit in the street… well I arrive at johnnies house I knocked on the door and was yelling “Johnny open up!”…..
The door opened up. An elderly couple was looking at me and the man said “can I help you?” And I said “hi im here to see Johnny” … the man looked at his wife and said “Sun there is nobody here but me and my poor old wife. We have lived here for years and nobody by that name has ever been here before” “I….I am sorry.” I say….. I leave and go home…..
All I want to know people is what the hell happened?!?! It seems there never was a Johnny but I swear to god that He was “real” and “physical” plz put your comments under my post…..

this is a true story and scars the crap out of me when i think about it…its 3:40 am now … my ride is not here yet… I knew i couldnt rely on Johneys clumsy a$$! I knew i should of drove home the other nite from the hangover Johney and i have been friends well… forever…….. I am sitting here waiting…….waiting……….waiting…… NOthing! “where the hell is he!” i yell.
about 20 secs later my 6 yearold brother walks in (people remember its almost 4 in the morning) and he says …. “Johney was in a bad car axadent and is not coherent.” i ask him How do you know this? ……silence…… my brother walks out without saying annything…. its now 3:55am …… i am sitting at my computer when all of a sudden i hear thunder and see flashes from the sky….. it starts to rain….. Me being a crazy mother fucke2 goes outside and starts walking….
im walking down 163rd ave and bell road
when 2 patrool cars go rushing by me with their sirens on and blinding lights flashing….. i run down the street to see what has hapned…… i see johneys car tipted upside down … i freeze and and awlful bitterness crosses over me…. i sit their watching… not moving speechless….; when an abulance pulls up i see them pull 2 bodys from the car….. one shure enough was johnny … the other…… My 6 yearold brother………
.
.
.
was this a dream?
was i high?
was i alive?
was i dead?
was i in my bed?
till this day has no cure to the one i best lexcure……
(the next day i see my little brother and i start balling and saying your alive! your alive! I asked him about lthe night before
and about johney…. He says who is johney and no silly-billy im not dead and he said whats the matter with you?….

i go tell my mom the story and she says who is johney?…….. And you must of had a bad dream dear…… I tell her ill be back later……. I decided to go to johneys house and see what had hapned… i drove right pass the crash site and i saw a bunch of broken glass and shit in the street… well i arive at johneys house i knocked on the door and was yelling “Johney open up!”…..
the door opned up. an elderly couple was looking at me and the man said “can i help you?” And i said “hi im here to see Johney” … the man looked at his wife and said “Sun there is nobody here but me and my poor old wife. we have lived here for years and nobody by that name has ever been here before” “I….I am sorry.” i say….. i leave and go home…..
all i want to know people is what the hell hapned?!?! it seems There never was a Johney but i swear to god that He was “real” and “physical” plz put your comments under my post…..

Everywhere I go I see you. Im reminded of the pain you always inflect. The hate you build in me. I have nothing to be happy about anymore. I dont even remember the last time I laughed.
Truly laughed. Im just a shell of what I used to be. Not who. I was never anybody, never got the chance to be. I doubt I ever will. I just want to be left alone. But you dont want that. All you do is torture me endlessly. Then you wonder why I cry. I want to hate you more than I already do, but I cant. I dont have the energy. All I ever see is your eyes burning holes into me. Seeing how much more of my soul, my dignity, my self-esteem you can destroy for your sick entertainment. Theres so much I want to say to you, but Im too weak and afraid. I just want to be left alone, because I am alone. And loneliness and darkness are the only things that have never betrayed me. Even if Im not alone, youve done a fine job of blinding me to any type of happiness I could ever have. My mother saw the slashes on my arms and said:You know what seeing those makes me want to do? It makes me want to kill you. Thats love right there. Doesnt she realize shell just help me succeed in my task? Oh well. Itll make you happy. Youre probably wondering who you are. I cant say. Theres too many. You is every person in my life. You is every tear I shed. I cant name you, not out of respect for you, but because theres too many of you. Every line on my arm is for each of you, the worse the cut, the worse you are. There are too many to count, some new, some old, each leaving a scar to remember them. Each person has a cut, each cut leaves a scar. Sometimes I wish Ill find the person wholl make me hit the vein. Then Ill be happy. But until that happens, all I can do is hide from you in the dark, even though youll find me. Eventually one of you always does. Cant you just leave me alone?

Have you ever had the feeling that you are alone?
Alone with no one to turn to for help?
Nobody you can trust. Nobody that cares?
These are the thoughts that go through my mind time and time again. These thoughts hurt, but these thought are apparent in my life.
All alone in my room, sitting in the dark of the night, listening as the clock ticks away.
Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock…
I decide to go for a walk. I don’t know where to or when I will come back. I creep down the stairs missing the sixth stair as it makes a noise when you step on it. I slowly open the living room door and walk out to the back of the house. I put my shoes on and unlock the door. I put one foot out, then the other. Now out I slowly close the door. My heart is beating. I lock the door. Setting off down the road walking with pace. I get to the end of my street. I slow my walking pace. Stopped I think. It’s dark cold winds and thoughts send shivers down my spine. I’m alone but it feels like somebody is there. Again I look around. My heart beating faster and faster. Nothing. No one there. I feel relieved.
I start walking down the road again. I come to a house, number nineteen. I hear screaming. My heart beats faster again. It’s coming from the house. A cold shiver runs down my spine. I look into the window. Relief again. They are watching T.V. I walk on.
Seventeen… Sixteen… Fifteen… Thirteen…
I stop: I smell a foul smell in the air. A smell of something rotting. I look around for answers. I see a bin. Goose pimples engulf my body. Do I look in? Do I not? Not knowing what I will find I look in. on opening the bin what do I find? Meat: Discarded meat from a meal. I feel all tense. Not knowing whether to keep going or run back, back to nothing. I keep going.
Eleven… Nine…
Houses now further apart I pick up speed.
Seven… Five…
I’m nearly there.
Three… One…
I can see my destination. It’s big, proud and firm, it stands like a lion. Adrenalin pumping around my body. This is my end. My future. My feeling of being alone dropping below me. This is my deceit. I climb the railings. I take one last deep breath.
Three… Two… One…

The pain that I’m feeling
Inside of my brain
The pains so intense
It drives me insane
The thoughts and the feelings
Are leaving my mined
Now filing with hatred
And making me blinded
I fail to retrieve them
The memory’s I had
Of mother and brother
And even my dad
I wish that the hatred
And pain were all gone
So I could keep singing
My marry wee song
But life will go on and on
And still the pain will keep ripping
The inside of my brain
And will continue to drive me insane

I just got ou of a relationship of year 1/2 and we love each other and well now iIam broken and it kills me to see other people to go down that path of pain and hate…. i am sorry… sorry for all I hope that everyone will alway have there own person to turn to…. it really hurts when ever i see her.. her face make me sad i know she like that new guy but i dont want to see her hurt she was to special and i will always love her… my first love.. i only wish for the best.. here is a good saying for this… life is hard by the yard but by the inch life’s a sinch… i am sorry for everything i hope that i can beforgiven…
Spud

if the feelings are there
i can’t feel them.
I want to talk to you except
the words don’t make a sound.
I know where you are but
I get lost along the way.
the Sight of you
blinds my eyes.
so how can I show you
what’s inside.

jelousy rages deap inside me,
someone i dont want out crawls through my skin.
someone screams inside to be let free,
to yell and puncture everyones lifes with her cry.
“SEE ME,SEE THESE SCARS,YOU’VE ALL CAUSED THIS!” she wants to say.
See my heart tearing inside and the pulse quicken as my blood and andrenaline mixes with such thickness.
Can you see the misplaced tear in my eye?
Can you see the little girl trapped inside with such angst and pain?
Will you ever care to know her?
DONT GIVE ME PITTY!
JUST CARE.

Crys for help that noone can hear
Filled with so much pain and fear
Scared to let the screams be heard
What will they think………………
What will they do…………………
Pain is easier to endure with someone rather than alone
But will they understand……
Disappointment…worrying….tears…..
All the things I never want to see caused by me
Pain kept inside is easier than seeing it in their eyes
Lies piled up on lies
Will the truth ever come out……
Can I let it……
The determination I need all covered up by fear
Sick of pretending that nothings wrong
Falling faster than I can get back up
Screams with just to much behind them to go unheard
Just give me the courage to let these crys escape from inside

Today was supposed to be my day. Today was the day I was one year closer to death. Today was a day that will never come again. Sure there will be another October 14th but never this one. why did everyone have to ruin my special day. Why did my boyfriend have to be depressed. why did my sister have to ruin everyone’s mood. why did my mother have to scream at me. why did my father not even call. why did all my “friends” have to forget. why did my special have to be cursed…

Have you ever seen true love. I guess true love can be anything, depending on ur opinion. I can’t say i’ve ever experienced true love, or love for that matter. I’ve had my relationships, but never love.

I think true love is so strong, the mere thought of it can make you sick, because you’ll never have it. so strong that even death cannot cut its bonds. so strong that even from two different universes they can feel eachother. feel eachothers tears, breaths, and blood. so strong that they are dying with the pure intensity of it all. can there be a love so strong, that one will not sorrow even from death because they know that fate will smile upon them. they know that no matter what road they take or what mistakes they make, that in the end they will be the only ones together. together in death, life, and both.

< i see happiness inside
how can this be
when everythign is dead
inside of me >>

all the pain you cause me
has driven me to death
i cant sit here and listen
to these angry screams and tears
i dont know what to do
im falling apart inside
my heart is dead
my soul is dead
i am dead

I was thinking today about ppl…and I figured out why I hate the human race so damn much. Its from all the pain they have gievn me over the past years. The pointing and laughing and whispering…just because I am different, just because I am not some bimbo ditz whos wardrobe consits of Abercrombie & Fitch and American Eagle shit with the lil bracelets from Tiffanys, and the big ass flip flops no chick can walk in without killing themselves. They think I am some freak, some evil bitch, just because I am dark. They sterotype me for being gothic, they dont even know whut the fuck a goth is…I do not think of myself as a goth or label myself that, but I am pretty dark. The world is full of such stupid ppl, they’re all morons, they are so ignorantt they are to busy with the heads up their asses to take a look around and see wtf is going on, or whos who. They just know that ppl who wear black are goths and thats that, they dont want to get to know me or my friends, they just ignore us, like we’re some worthless scum of the earth. ..like they are to good for us…I hope they all get a good taste of what they put ppl like me through.

Ill never forget that night,last night. hidding underneath my bed.Fearing his return,i knew he was in my so call home.i could hear his footsteps coming up the stairs, i hear my door slam open, i hear him calling my name.

i tryed as hard a i could to not breath, not move not even blink.if he found me that would be the end of me….i hear him say the words that i dread”so you think you can hide from me…you just wait until i find you…”he walkes out of my bedroom calmly shutting the door behind him, i poke my head out from underneath my bed so i could get some air.

Next thing i knew he storms into my room again and grabs me by my hair,pulling me out from underneath my bed. My feet werent touching the ground at this point.i whatched as i saw him pull out a butcher knife from his back pocket, i thought to myself trying as hard as i could not to cry, but i knew it was the end for me, there was just no way he would let me live.

as he continued my hair eventually ripped out as he threw me to the ground.as i shake in fear of his next move, i see him pull out a bottle filled with gasoline and a lighter.he poured the gasoline over the blade of the butcher knife and lit it on fire.he looks at me in a devilish way as he stabbes me over and over again.words could not discribe what pain i was in. i had the will to get up and run but not the strength.it was no use he would just catch me,i try to sit up and i see him pour more gasoline onto his hands and onto my body he pulls out a match…all i could think of doin was to scream “No daddy, please stop!”

as i see hell raging in his eyes, i knew i had no time left, he lit the match.i was left burning and bleeding on my bedroom floor……and my father laughing over my dead body,my father, whos only mission in life was to see me in pain and to see me die,my father,my satan under a roof.

Comments of bitter indecisions
Hell has many crossroads
Time corrupts the beauty of innocent beginnings
Full bloom fades to rotted beauty
Seasons slow and fade, as does blind understanding
Pain and mistrust are tainted beginnings of a peaceful end
Torn in half by these angles an demons alike
Futile attemps in vain for the pursuit of happiness
A generation eroded by the clock of the inevitable
Answers buried in the devices of centuries past.
Abandon the suffocating confines of this mockery of reality and all its burdens
Distant memories of long forgotten peace
Simplicity of innocence is the foundation of misery
Bask in the brief escapes from a turmoiled exitence
Find comfort in the arms of familiar nonconformity
Truth is found through trials and errors of blind faith
Hearts entrusted by an unsecured promise of a better tomorrow
The inferno blazes from the beliefs of hypocrites
A silence shattered from the cries of the unforsaken
The blessings of solitude are of scrarce precious nature
Crush the fragile boundaryof life and all after
Fierce individuality thrust upon an ignorant population
These contimplations forced upon an unwilling mind
Seek not the minds view of happiness
Disapointment awaits with unmerciful intentions
Look,still, to the horizon to the unknown and all its holds

October 28, 2003 will be the four year anniversary of the suicide of Alison. When we were together, the world seemed perfect, and any imperfections have seemed to just go away with the tides, or the waning or the waxing of the moon. I do not write this to snibble like a bitch, and pathetically cry “poor me, poor me”. Instead, what I seek to do here is to help show you that you need to cherish those you love and those who love you. Let me go back about four years. Alison and I are sitting across from each other in Mrs. Trask’s Honors English class….

I sit here in this dusty and moldy old classroom of Wethersfield High School, of Wethersfield, CT, and across from me to my right is Alison. We have only known each other for maybe three weeks or so. But, in that time I have grown so in love with her. I spend every second of my waking day thinking and imagining and fantasizing about her.
Her strawberry blonde hair, her perfectly oval eyes and high cheek bones, and even her fire-red lips-thin, but never showing weekness. Alison’s physique was of those perfect shapes of the well rounded and curved hips giving her that oh-so-wanted hourglass shape, with most of the sand at the top. I would find myself standing in awe when she walks away from me after talking; staring at the light that is able to pass through between her thieghs.
Beauty perfected.
I love you, Alison.
When I held her, I got all of these mixed emotions; love, hate, passion, anger and so many others I wish I could describe. All of this is because her father is a sociopath. Which means that her treats women well by beating them to an inch of thier life, make them feel that the beatings were thier fault, shower them with gifts, and the viciously cruel cycle begins again.
When I am able to hold her, I sometimes get a glimpse of the bruises on her back. A rusty yellow orange circle enclosing a light black and blue patch. I see it and I want to kill her father. The hate fills me, and I always come an inch of exploding before Alison calms me down. I know for sure that her father beats her because of me. I’m a decent enough of a guy, and he had different thoughts of what being fair and decent is. His frustrations appear on his daughter’s back like battle-scars.
Torture.
This one day, Alison asked me if she could spend some time wit me at my house. I would never refuse such a sad face; a face of such torment and agony and pain. Of course, beautiful, I’ll be waiting for you, I told her. She ended up coming an hour after school was over, at about 3:30. I found her, and I knew something was just so wrong, for when she held me, I could feel her body shake and I knew from her eyes she was so on the edge. There we were, standing in the middle of my room, gripping each other so tightly, we could feel each others’ heart beats. I began to shed tears for her, as she did for me.
My love for her is like no other like it. My love for her can be seen in the sunrise and the sunset, in the tides that crash upon the shore and the white foam that does its little dance upon the sand and quickly disappears again, like ghosts. I always told her that once we graduate, I was taking her with me, on a road trip, and we were getting married. We’d even share ideas on how to torture and murder her father.
But, for right now, Alison is in my arms shaking like a leaf. I tell her that it’s alright, that I’m with her now, but it doesn’t help at all. We sat on my bed with our fore-heads pressed together. I couldn’t have hepled but to feel this increbible pull on my soul. Like she needed some of my warmth, my life force to survive until tomorrow. I would always abide by her wishes and her needs and her wants, for my life without her is my death.
We talked for hours and hours on end. Just talk and talk and talk. I could feel her relaxing already, a very good sign. We didn’t bother to eat any of the supper that my mom made us, I think that she would feel insecure if she left this room.
But, we remained in each others’ arms for the whole day. When night fell, something strange hapenned. I lit all my candles, and upon my bed I lay with Alison on top of my stomache facing me. We never exchanged any words after the candles were lit. We just lay there facing each other, looking into each others’ eyes, playing with each others’ hair, and it was as if our eyes could communicate our needs without a single word spoken.
We bagan to kiss.
I love you.
We were touching in private areas.
I need you.
She undressed me, and I undressed her.
I want you.
We made love.
I love you.
At first she straddled me, then I sat up cross legged Indian style. She crossed her legs behind my back, and in that position we rocked and rocked, forwards and backwards, side to side. For hours at a time, our lips remained locked together, her breasts were seemingly anchored to my chest, and her eyes and my own, never broke contact. And, at the moment of her climax, so did I.
I leaned back down and let my head rest upon the pillow, Alison is still on top of me. In our heavey breathing, we knew we found our life loves, we are our soulmates, meant to be for all eternity.
A little after midnight, we dressed ourselves again, and she snuck out, and back to her house. Even though that was the most beautiful night of my life, I felt something terrible was wrong, and I didn’t sleep at all that night.
The next day was like the rest, wake up and school. Except, there was no Alison. I looked everywhere in a tempered panic. Where is my Alison!
After school, I went straight to the room where we made love in, the room where we both died and both reborn. I just sat there with such a solid weight on my soul, the only way I could sit was to prop my face up with my hands and my elbows pressed against my legs.
The phone rings.
Panic.
Shear terror.
It was Alison’s mother, oh, hello, how are you? Where is Alison? I said her name, and she broke into tears.
This is not happening. Alison died at the hospital at about 4 this morning. She put a very deep gash into her wrist, probably after her father ‘talked’ to her.
No.
I hung the phone up, and I fell to my knees, I couldn’t help but to just stare at the floor in shock.
I am dead.

Later on that week, her parents had an open casket funeral for her. I was the first to arrive, and the last to leave. I guess her mother told the autorities about how Alison’s father likes to hit women. ‘Till this day I swore I would kill her father as I stood over her tombstone…and I will.

My depths. *Hmph* Who would have known you’d go so deep, or so far as to find who I am….and what needs to be released. Shall i start from the beginning? or from where we left off? Oh the memories are priceless and linger like unforgetable scars. But what is it that makes you come back to me? what is is that makes you “mine”? I am not special or better than any other female out there…yet you claim to me that I’m your one. I’m the air your breath, I am the taste that you crave, and I am the one who will make you see you are mine. So its true. You are my one, my life, the one who plays mind games with me with your slightest touch. As we lied there kissing and touching i could smell you on me.. I could taste you.. I could do whatever I wanted. Dominance can be so fun. You can feel the black velvet sheets under your skin as you lie on the bed. Your head arches back and you close your eyes when i kiss your neck…move down your chest…tounge licking your flesh…to your naval….and i know I am in control now. As my mouth wraps around your shaft you moan and pull at my hair lightly, heh. I only provokes me to run my nails down your legs. I move up to your face and sit right up..your face shows you want to be inside, to my depths. I sit there playing, teaseing and when you cant get enough UMPH! you slam me down on your penis and penetrate me till I quiver. Faster and faster, sweat and breath, you sit up so we are both feeling echother. Clawing at your back i let myself ride, and my head falls back in pure exstacy. I feel your flesh between my nails, i feel you in me pushing, pushing pushing deeper and deeper. You lick my neck down to my breast, savouring each nipple with your own delight. You grab at my back, only to place your hands at the arch in my back, while I pull your hair till i feel i am about to rip it out! OH GOD i scream in excitment, harder, faster, deeper, oo0oo0oh…..