2003 October — Darkness

i cant stand it when i allow my mind to take over my thoughts and think all kinds of stupid things, i drive myself insane!! the little fights and angst flows out of me when i allow my mind to control my body and take the razor and turn it around to the rough corners instead of the slick ones, and just carve into my arms TRYING to make them bleed…and then doing my best to hide them from others…untill my boyfriend sees them and then worry and hurt fills his eyes and he just holds me thinking its all his fault when it isnt, did he drag the razor against my skin? no…i dont want him blamming himself, i just allow myself to be jelouse and get fed up with myself and how i look…
….its not my boyfriend….its not my friends….its my negativity…its my mind telling me im not good enough, im pathetic…..im nothing………..mine as well fall from a 40 feet building and end up regretting it half way down feeling the brisk cold air push against my body as if it was trying to hold me up…..
*this is my first entry*

Death to All

As a young child Joey had a terrible life. His father was a drunk and his mother past away when Joey was very young. His father was terrible to him. He would lock Joey in the closet for no reason but to hear him cry. At school all the other kids tormented Joey. They would gang up on him and take turn using him as a punching bag. But all Joey did was take it and bottle it up inside. As Joey got older it would get worse. He was a big loner at the age of 17; no one wanted to hang around a person like him. Joey didn�t mind, he just kept on living his life because he new he was better then them that he was stronger then them.
The guy that was the biggest pain to Joey was a guy named Mike. Joey had a crush on Mike�s girlfriend, Carly. She was a slim blonde with green eyes. Mike always new that Joey like her.
One day when Joey was eating launch when Carly came up to him with a grin on her face. Joey couldn�t believe his eyes. He was sitting there with Carly; she sat down right against Joey and started to flirt with him. After talking for awhile about nothing particular she ask �why don�t you come to my party this weekend� �ya, sure� Joey said not sure of what else to do. �Great, I�ll see you there� squeaked Carly as she got up to leave �oh by the way it�s a costume party so don�t forget to get a costume� �I�ll remember� smiled Joey.
That night Joey went into his dad�s room and stole a few bucks to buy a costume. He new that he could probably get away with it because his dad was so drunk that he couldn�t even remember his own name let alone how much money he had in his wallet.
When Joey got to the costume shop they were practically sold out except for a few crap costumes but, Joey made the best of the situation as usually and found a half descent costume of the grim reaper.
That week went by fast for Joey he couldn�t wait for the party that would start in half an hour. Joey was making his way down the street toward the party in his black cloak, skull mask, and plastic scythe. When he got to the party everyone seemed to be there already. Joey walked up the front steps of the house. Before he could knock on the door it swung open and Mike was standing in the door way in his football player costume. Mike also wore a big smile and Joey new what to become of himself. He didn�t even try to run away, he new without turning around that 2 of mikes friends were standing behind him. �What do you think you�re doing here?� coolly ask mike �Carly invited me� Joey said just as cool. Just then Carly came to the door in her cheerleader costume �I never invited you!� she spat �well in that case I think we should teach Joey here a lesson about bashing parties� said mike with a smile to big for his face. But that wasn�t what Joey was paying attention to. He was staring at Carly, he was staring at her with pure hatred when she laughed as mike and the others beat the living hell out of Joey.
As Joey limped home leaning upon his plastic scythe all he could feel was hatred. Nothing could penetrate his madness not even the pain of the broken ribs that he received for his stupidity in believing Carly, who happened to be mikes girlfriends. All he wanted now was to push this to the back of his mind with everything else that has caused him pain.
When he got home his dad was sitting on the couch once more drunk out of his mind. When Joey stepped threw the door a beer bottle flew by his head. �Who the hell do you think you are?� Joey�s father slurred as he wobbled over to where Joey now stood �steeling, steeling from your old man.� Joey just stood there he new now what this was about �after all I�ve done for you �� breathed Joey�s father. His breath was coated with the sent of liquor. �Done for me!� shouted Joey. He couldn�t take being pushed around anymore �all you ever done for me is torture me. Putting me in the closet because I coughed, beaten me when I cried about how I was already beaten by the kids at school, ya you did a lot for me!� Joey was screaming so loud that he didn�t even recognize his own voice. Then everything went black.
Joey awoke to find his head aching and his dad standing over him. �Hope you like it here� joeys father said as he turned to leave �oh, and don�t you ever some back to my house, and anything that you owned you don�t own anymore,� said his dad with out stopping. Once his dad had left Joey could hear the faint noise of his father�s car driving way.
When Joey found it in him to stand he took a look around his surroundings. It was an old run down barn. It had a few old tools lying around. Once again Joey felt the hatred come over him again. But this time it was different. It came to him with physical force. The force was so strong that knock Joey from his feet. It ran threw his body like the blood in his veins. After a few minutes Joey was able to get to his knees but, then came another blow that doubled him over. From outside the barn all that could be heard were Joey�s screams of pain. Once the pain stopped Joey was coated by a cold sweat. Breathing heavily Joey got to his feet. Slowly Joey made his way over to a bucket of water. Dipping his head in to the water it cooled him off rapidly. When he pulled his head out of the bucket Joey slowly ran his hands over his face. A chill ran up his spine. His flesh was no longer there. All he could feel was cold bone. He looked down at his hands. They were the same. Slowly he brought his face in few of the water bucket what he saw was a bleach white skull staring back at him with 2 black empty eye sockets. Joey shuck with rage, he new what did this to him. It was all of them everybody out in the world, they did it, Mike, Carly, his dad, and everyone else. They were going to pay for what they did, Joey thought to himself.
As Joey left the barn he came across a scythe. What a beautiful tool he thought. With its long curved blade and smooth wood handle. He picked it up and swung it a few times to see how well balance it was.
On Joey�s way back to town he came across a couple sitting in a car making love. He walked up as quiet as death. Raising the scythe Joey brought it down in a clean sweep. It cut thought the roof and door on the passenger side killing woman in side with a bloody splat. The young man screamed as he turned to open his own door and get away. When he got out of the car death was awaiting. Joey picked the boy up and eyed him closely �please don�t hurt me� whimpered the boy �death shows no mercy!� hissed Joey as he laughed. Throwing the boy on the ground Joey raised his scythe �on your knees� Joey commanded as the crying boy did Joey brought the scythe down upon the boys neck. The boy�s headless corpse laid on its chest as the head rolled a few yards away. If Joey still had a face there would be a large grin upon it
The next day the word spread rapidly about the murder. No one could think of think of a reason why someone would do such a thing. Secondly how could anyone be physically able to do what they did to the car. All of the windows smashed the hood and roof slashed like paper, and the doors torn way from the car. Upon the hood of the trunk was a message.
Here lies 2 dead. All because of what you did to me. I�m coming for you. No one can save you. It won�t be pretty. Just like these 2.
Death
�Did you hear about that murder out side of town?� asked Carly �who do you think did it?� suddenly the couple was interrupted by there friends. �Hey, mike have you seen that Joey kid?� asked one of mikes friends. �Sorry, haven�t seen him, made if were lucky he�ll be the next victim to that killer� answered Mike. There was suddenly a burst of laughter from the group.
That night death made a visited to Joey�s old house. No one was home of course. His father wouldn�t be home until later that night. It was now 10 o�clock. His father would most likely be home around midnight. So Joey had a little fun redecorating the house with few little holes in the wall here, and a few slashed couches. By the time Joey�s dad got home the house was no more then an egg with its insides already scrambled. Joey left the house long before his dad got back. When his dad got in all that remained in one piece was a sheet of paper. On the paper was written a note, your next.
Joey watched the house for 3 days and his father didn�t leave even once. Joey new now was the time to strike. While his father was sober enough to feel the pain that was going to be bestowed upon him by Joey.
It was about 11 o�clock at night when Joey made his way toward the house he once called home. Rapping at the front door Joey could hear his dad making his way toward the back door like the coward he was. *bang* everything went black for Joey�s father when his nose connected with the end of Joey�s scythe. His nose now lied flat against his face as blood ran from it. When he awoke he found his son standing over him, mocking him. �Hello, father� said the skull that was Joey�s face. His father let out a gasp in reply. Joey let out a laugh �nice to see you to� Joey said as he past the room �do you like my new look,� asked Joey as he came back to where his father lied �you helped to do this to me�. �How?� asked the father once he found his voice. �I have a theory� squealed Joey as he jumped upon his father�s chest �sorry� Joey said with a hint of a giggle in his voice �would you like to hear it?� his father shock his head in response stilling trying to catch his breath after the attack. �NO!� Joey yelled �well, to bad� Joey took his fathers broken nose and gave it a sharp twist, his father let out a scream of detest. �Music to my ears� Joey whispered in Joy �well you are going to listen anyways and you are going to listen good, you no good drunk� Joey said in a grim voice �my theory it that you and all those other idiots� Joey gestured toward the front door �have put so much pain and hatred upon my shoulders that I could no longer hold it and it tore me apart from the inside out� Joey�s voice slowly trailed way in to nothingness �why couldn�t you just tried to give me a normal life?� Joey cried as he put his fist into his fathers face. Once more his father let out a scream of pain. �your lucky dad I�m going to kill you some what quickly� Joey hissed into his father�s ear �but, first do me a favour � tell me about my mother?� Joey asked softly �your mother?� his father said in confusion. �Yes my mother, I would like to know something about her� Joey said sitting down be side his father. �You think that I�m going to tell you anything, after what you have just done� said his father spitting in Joey�s skull face. �Fine� said Joey as he got up �have it you way� Joey raised his scythe and brought it down upon his fathers shoulder blade cutting clean through the flesh and bone causing his father to cry out for mercy as the arm fell to the floor. Joey picked up the arm and smacked his father in the face �have it your way� Joey said once more as he rose the scythe once again slashing a clean cut through the opposite shoulder. His father was now crying, while Joey laughed. Blood coated the floor in a dark glaze of red. �Farwell father� Joey said as he raised the scythe for the last time to his father. With the final blow Joeys father�s head flew up into the air �batter up� Joey snickered as he took the flat side of his scythe and hit the decapitated head out of a broken window that facet the front lawn. �Home run� Joey laughed as he finished his second note written in his father�s blood. He got up walked out the back door with the blood trickling scythe on his shoulder.
�The third murder in less then a week has been reported today by a jogger who was on his way down a quiet street where he found the unfortunate man�s head on the front lawn, officials think this is the work of a professional,� said the TV news reporter �the man�s body was found in the house, he was brutally cut to pieces, also police have taken a couple of teenagers into protective care, the couple are believed to be the next victims of the murder, on a lesser note �� the TV was then turned off. �Great now when are on TV� Mike said as he threw the remote at the screen of the TV � calm down its not that big of a deal� Carly said � besides he won�t find us out here�
Carly and Mike were in a little house with a group of police officer �besides he wouldn�t be stupid enough to come after us when there a group of cops around� Carly stated �right� Mike said calming down a little �still, you heard what they said about what he did to the own father� Mike was cut short when the door to the room opened. An officer walked in �we have bad news� said the man �we can�t find Joey anywhere so we are gong to have to keep you two here a little longer� �how long is a little longer?� Mike asked jumping to his feet. �As long as he�s still out there, you�re going to have to stay here.�
�Where could they be?� Joey asked himself as he came out of his hiding place. Joey had been watching Carly�s house for the past two days. �They must have taken my offer of hidden go seek� Joey laughed grimly �this is going to be fun�. Joey made his way back to his old house. When he got to his former home he saw that there were still a couple of cops. So Joey snuck into the backyard and came in through an open window. Joey could tell that the officer had been there for so time probably trying to collect any forgotten evidences. Joey slowly came up behind the young cop. The cop didn�t even no what hit her. Joey pounced on the woman picking her up off the floor by the neck. The cop didn�t even have time to yell out for help before her wind pipe was broken. All the commotion going on inside the house disturbed the dead officer�s partner who was standing outside. The man came running in only to find his partner dead on the floor. When he turned he was greeted by a smooth white skull staring at him with 2 empty eye sockets staring at him. Then a white bone hand flew out from the black cloak and enclosed around the mans neck �do me a favour and tell me where they are� Joey hissed though his gritted jaw �who?� the suffocating officer asked �answer� Joey said as he brought the mans face closer to his own �I don�t know what you�re talking about� stammered the officer as he attempted to halt the skeletal hands firming grasp. �Yes you do� Joey said ruthlessly �the 2 of them, a boy and a girl, tell me� �I don�t know� snivelled the man �to bad for you� Joey answered while he listened to the mans neck splinter and surveyed his body go limp slowly. Joey then took the walky-talky off the man�s belt and let him slump to the floor. Turning the walky-talky on as he left he searched the stations, finally finding the one he was looking for. �Are the kids ok?� asked one voices �everything is ok� answer the other.
The rest of that night Joey walked around the neighbourhood trying to find the source of the voices that were heard but, was unable to. Everywhere he went the signal would die away. After awhile Joey headed back toward Carly�s house. Joey sat in his hiding place for an hour when a squad car pulled into the driveway 2 officers got out and headed up the front steps, watching them Joey was flooded with the memory of when he had walked up those stairs only to be thrashed. Once the officers were inside, Joey creped over to a window. Where he saw the officer talking to Carly�s parents �where�s my daughter?� demanded Carly�s father �I�m sorry but we can�t tell you that� said one of the police officer �if we could we would have done so earlier� Carly�s mother began to sob. Joey jump for joy knowing how much pain he has cause �serves them right� Joey said under his breath has he came back to watch the incident that was taking place inside �we can take you there but not now� said the officer trying to calm the grieving mother anyway he could �when then� said the father who was now starting to get irritated with the young officer �we can make some kind of plan but not at a time like this, it just isn�t safe� said the officer trying to keep the hot head father calm �can we send a letter at least?� begged the mother trying to keep control of her tears. �I guess we could do that for you� said the officer giving in. So Carly�s mother quickly wrote a letter and handed it to the officer who placed it in to his pocket and departed. As they got back into there car the officers didn�t notice the extra passenger in the trunk of the car.
When the car brought to a halt Joey stayed in the trunk until the cops� foot steppes died away. When he got out he saw a small house it was wedged between groves of trees, almost out of view. Joey slowly made his way toward the house the sun was just breaching the horizon. Joey was going to have to wait until the sun would make its descent that night. Until then Joey would have to find a place to hide and wait.
Joey spent his day hiding under a pine while the sun made its dance across the sky.
That night Joey came out from the pine and made his way toward the small house the only sound that could be heard was the soft foot steps of Joey upon the dead leaves.
As Joey got close he could hear the voices of the cops standing guard at the front door to the house. Joey came up the far side of one of the cops and grabbed him by the throat and threw him at the other officer standing opposite to him. Joey then jumped upon then with such vicious force that the 2 guard were nothing more then a pile of red gore when he had finally got back to his feet.
Joey was on his way in when a hale storm of bullets hit him. Joey was knocked from his feet. The possessor of the gun was a third officer was now staring down at his target in terror. For Joey was now rising to his feet. Standing Joey grabbed the gun from the officer and threw it out the front door behind him. Joey brought his face level with the cop�s �do you think you can just shot me and get away with it?� Joey asked taking a step closer. Now he was standing over the cop �do you?� Joey then took the officers head and bent it backwards. Bending the man backwards, folding the man to his limits. Slowly the man back started to crackle like fire wood. The cop let out a scream of pain as he slowly slipped into darkness that is death. Dropping to what was the cop�s body to the ground as Joey made his way through the house. Searching every room as he walk down the hall. When he came across Mike, standing in a large room. �Hello Michael� Joey said as he walked toward Mike. The only response Mike gave was a raging screaming as he ran towards Joey. Joey didn�t move, taking the hit in full force. Being knocked back into the wall �is that all you got?� Joey said as he pushed mike away. Mike came at Joey with fist flying. Joey simply reach out and grabbed the fists and listen to the knuckles crack in his grasp. Mike couldn�t believe what just happened. Never had Joey done such an acted. �Who are you� Mike said as he pulled away. �Your reaper� Joey said as he took his scythe from his back. At that moment Mike turned to run away but it was too late. Joey raised his scythe bring it down low. The blade swooped down slicing Mike�s ankles causing his feet to depart from his body. Mike still in a running motion couldn�t stop and took a few bloody steps before falling on his face. Rolling over he found Joey standing there with his cold hollow sockets staring at him. Joey crouched down beside him and placed his bone hand on mikes chest right where his heart should be �you won�t need this anymore� Joey said softly as he began to dig his hand into mikes chest. Mike let out a horrifying screaming. He screamed so hard that his throat began to bleed. Mike fell limp once his heart lied in Joey�s blood covered palm. Mikes face was left in a permanent ghastly scream. Joey looked down at the heart then pocketed it. Joey couldn�t help but to look back at Mike�s body. That body had once caused Joey so much pain but now all it is, is a pile of human flesh and bone.
Joey had search almost the whole house and still couldn�t find Carly. Making his way to the back door he could see that it was locked so it couldn�t be the way she left. As he came through the door way of the kitchen he was attacked by a knifed hand that was Carly�s. When she came out to see her dirty work she only fond Joey standing over her with his black eye sockets ablaze. Carly took a step back �how?� she squeaked �you can�t kill what�s already dead!� Joey said pulling the knife from his chest �look� Joey pulled open his cloak to reveal a pearl white rib cage. Carly let out a gasp of horror. Carly ran for the backdoor. Joey dropped the knife and then took his scythe from his back in a fluid motion he threw the scythe that sailed threw the air at Carly. Carly was still running when she took a look back at her attacker only to be met by a flying scythe in the turned shoulder causing her to spin around. The forces of the weapon made her spin to face Joey and nail her to the backdoor. Joey slowly made his way toward Carly picking the knife up from its resting place; he cradled it in his own hand. Now it will be my turn to laugh Joey thought. Still walking slowly toward Carly so that she could feel every step he took. Carly began to count the time it took for Joey to walk toward her in bursts of pain. Just kill me she wanted to say but couldn�t find it in her to speak. Joey made the final steps with laughter of pleasure. Now that he was face to face with Carly he pulled mikes heart out with his empty hand and raised it to Carly�s face. Carly was able to find part of her missing voice to let out a plea but Joey didn�t hear it. �I have a treat� Joey said as he crammed the heart into Carly�s mouth �I hope you enjoy it.� Joey raised the knife to Carly�s chin. A single tear ran down Carly�s cheek when the blade went through her jaw and out the back or her head pinning the heart in her mouth and her head to the door. Joey removed the scythe from Carly and headed out the backdoor which Carly was still pinned to by the knife.
As Joey walked down the hill on which the house sat upon. He new that the pleasure he felt now would not last for long. Just like a junkie he new he would have to feed his addiction once more. His addiction for the blood of the guilty.

Living with ancient damnation
hath been naught but living hell.
A thousand years wanting salvation
Amidst the dark streets I dwell.
A heart with a feeling, a vampire with a soul
I’m passionately in love with the Slayer
But they say my heart is as black as coal.
The sun I desire to see, the moon I despise to look at.
A cursed life, that is my unfortunate destiny.

I cry and cut and stare in the mirror
Wondering how much longer I have to be here
My reflections laughing, as the tears roll down my face
I pick up my knife, determined to leave this place
All this pain and strife, that time has not erased.
I slit my wrists, and watch them bleed.
I fall to the ground, telling myself this is what I need
I died inside, my body does the same
Needing to hide in my life that was just a game
It’s all over now, I lie lifeless on the floor.
Everyone’s laughing at my death, knowing I will fuck up no more.
But little did they know now everything’s better for me
The little girl they tormented…is finally free.

Deep in this darkness i slowly decay
what is my meaning?
i can not say.

Who and I? why am I hear
and can someone please tell me,
why life is so dear.

My writing is dark and clothing black
and often I wonder,
what is it I lack

My mind�s not made up, neither hear nor there
As hopelessly,
I pretend not to care,

Constantly my mind is in strife
and sometimes, not often,
look at the knife

Deep in this darkness I slowly decay
what is my meaning?
i can not say.

This poem is dedicated to Nathaly Bautista which she will be missed by all who cared for her.

You might of known her for many years
and shared moments with many tears,
You might of known her a few days
you felt like you’ve known her forever
knowing her heart like a firey blaze,
She had a good heart, soul, and kind
personality, you wished you knew her
longer, one of those poeple was me.
Her smile was like the sunshine glowing
like a beautiful spring hour, her hair waved
like the wind blowing a flower, until her time
had come, when she had to leave, it was a
unbearable moment which you didn’t want
to believe, even if you were one of those,
people who new her for many years, but
never knew her, you had wished you have
known her sooner, but you know she is in
a better place, and she will always be with
you in your heart, even if you can’t see her,
you’re never apart.

I woke up this morning my dad had the tv blasteing loud enough so that I could wake up..I hate it when he does that so I woke up about 8:30a.m. and I’m not a moring person but I get arokund to wakeing up..I went to sleep about 1:20 or so this morning and I hate wakeing up so early to do what ever my dad wants to do like running to the bank just to get money for junk like beer and shit man I hate this fucken shit why can’t I just die?

She wanted to kill herself. She had, right now, wanted to kill herself more than she had wanted anything else in the world. She said nothing.

Above her, the boy gyrated, blindly pumping himself into her, his ministrations so intense that she was almost breathless from the pain. He fucked her, indiscriminately, desperately, mumbling to himself as he did so. She said nothing.

When he was done, they laid together, him holding her sweetly, professing his undying love to her in whispers. He told her he loved her, told her that he would be happy for the rest of his life if he could only spend it with her. his fingers stroked through her hair as he told her this, the other hand gently cupping her face. He told her he loved her. She said nothing.

His mouth got nearer and nearer to her ear as his professions grew more adamant, then his mouth moved down to her mouth. He kissed her, hard, his tongue roughly invading her mouth, roughly pressing on her tongue. The hand that had so gently cupped her face was now gripping her hip, hard, as the other hand drifted from her hair to her neck to her breasts, where he seemed to be content to stay at for a while. She said nothing.

Slowly, his hand moved from her breast to her cunt, fingers pawing at the delicate flesh, jabbing around, trying to stimulate her, as his mouth moved to replace his hand at her breast. She arched her back to encourage him, hating herself for it, enjoying it as a sense of delicate torture that would have made her orgasm with intensity this boy never would. He raised his head, a wicked gleam playing on his sly grin. He took one of hands and moved it to her cunt. Taking the hint, she started massaging himself. He had always liked watching her masturbate. She got on her knees then, gyrating, tossing her hair about, making appropriate moaning and panting noises. He sat back, hands idly playing with his cock, eyes hungrily devouring her soft curves, her supple breasts, her flawlessly porcelain skin. Various phrases like, “Oh yeah, baby”, “God I want to fuck you right now”, “Does that feel better than my long, hard cock fucking your tight, wet pussy?” occasionally erupted from his mouth. She made appropriate grunts and gasps. She said nothing.

Writhing in front of him, her sex on display, she felt like a slut, a whore. She wanted to cry from how depressed she felt, how ugly it all was. She tossed her hair around, her waist length, jet black hair, and moaned harder as her finger flew over her clit. One hand played with her nipples, her red, red mouth an ‘O’ with feigned lust. She felt empty. She was surprised that he did not notice that she was faking it. She was faking everything. He moved towards her, naked lust shining in his eyes. She said nothing.

He straddles her chest, pushing his cock in her face. He then slid down her body, got on his knees and put his mouth on her pussy. He sucked on her, pushing his tongue deep within her cunt, massaging her with his tongue, stimulating her with his tongue ring. She made various and noncommittal noises. Her soul was empty as he filled her cunt with his tongue and mouth. She dug her nails deep into the wooden bed frame, relishing in the pain as she endured his ministrations. Unable to fake any longer, she pretended to orgasm, making loud, ugly noises, short screams, reaffirming his manhood, faking crests of pleasure and waves of contentment. He grinned, giving her cunt one last oral assault, on last lick. She said nothing.

He then moved up her body, trails of saliva streaking up to her, pools of it painting her breasts. He straddled her chest, once more pushing his cock in her face. She took it in her mouth, and sucked on it. She sucked and licked and gently bit, swirling her tongue and kissing and running her teeth lightly over his cock. She writhed above her with pleasure, gasping and moaning uncontrollably as she sucked on his balls, as she sucked hard on his cock, as she licked and kissed and caressed with her tongue. His head was thrown back, his face red, his hands desperately pawing at her breasts, occasionally reaching back to give her pussy a quick stroking. Tears fell from her eyes, staining the pillow, unnoticed to the boy pounding his cock into her red, red mouth. He gave out guttural grunts and low moans as he climaxed, as he emptied his hot, salty seed into her mouth. She said nothing.

After that, he entered her again, fucking her hard, slamming her down onto his cock, sucking on her nipples as he could. She cried out with the pain, masked as pleasure. He made ape-like noises and thought himself to be among the world’s best lovers as she faked another orgasm, timing it so she would come along with him. He kissed her sloppily, mumbling “I Love You” as he fell asleep, dragging her down with him, hands protectively cradling her breasts. She said nothing.

After she knew he was deeply asleep, she untangled herself from his grasp. Padding over to the mirror, she looked at herself, naked and covered with red teeth marks from their fucking. Kissing herself in the mirror, she started to run her hands over her body, admiring how truly beautiful it was, admiring her soft curves, her flawless skin, the perkiness of her nipples, the soft fuzz at her cunt. Her hands teased her nipples, ran down her thighs, finger inserting into her pussy. She stroked herself, she massaged her pussy hard. She moaned loudly, naked lust and pleasure coursing through her body. Desperately she massaged her clit, relishing the pleasure that spiked within her, so close to perfection, building up on itself, fingers pinching her nipples, head thrown back, hair brushing against her firm ass. She felt it coming, her orgasm. It was mounting, and in her mind, she called herself every insult she could. In her mind, she was a dirty little whore, a cunt, a pussy to be fucked, a sperm dumpster, a human urinal, fucking bitch. Her fingers were now flying over her clit, her small gasps and pants filling the room. Unknown by her, the boy had woken up, hand stroking his cock as he watched her please herself. She moaned, hard and loud, as her hand moved to get a small pistol that laid on a dresser next to the mirror. They boy was too entranced by her gently bouncing breasts to notice. His hand pumped harder, eyes half-lidded as he grew hornier and hornier. She felt her orgasm building, peaking, cresting, and she started moaning and screaming in agonized ecstasy. Tears trickled down her face as she brought the gun to her temple. The cool metal brought her over the edge, and her orgasm came down on her, swift and hard. She rode the waves of pleasure, hand flying furiously over her cunt, body taught with ecstasy, tears rolling down her face as she screamed. This was, quite frankly, the biggest and hardest orgasm that she had ever had in her life. The boy behind her came from hearing her scream. As she crested her orgasm, she felt so beautiful, so peaceful, so good. She felt like she could fly. She laughed aloud in happiness, then pulled the trigger. Her naked body flopped to the floor, the top of her head blown away. The boy on the bed screamed in horror. She said nothing.

(List Under Darkness)

You are my loneliness, unholyness, boldly, and without
regret, I get hit, bit by bit, it’s on, soon I’ll be gone, cause I’am hells spawn, yawn, yawn, I’ll get you, and you’ll be gone,
too, like a fawn you take off to heaven, then you realize your on a short leash, cause I’ve got you, now, and I’ll drag you down, HELL-BOUND.

Kingdom of corpses, watch as I sport this, my new
bliss, no such thing as a kiss, hiss, hiss, such treachory is my mistress, stress is the best, put them to the test, so mest up,
cranked up, and beat up, you don’t step up, you step down,
taking pleasure in fighting hells hounds, bad sounds all around
me, my crown of barbed wire, turns my frown, up, side,
down..

She put the gun up to her head
Because she knew you’d want her dead
The boy she loved
you were not there
but if you were would you have cared
then when you came through the door
you saw her body on the floor
you yelled and screamed
you never thought
that for this life you could have faught
now you know that you once had
a girl that you made feel so sad
she put a gun up to her head
because of you she is now dead
so dont you cry
she never knew
what her life had meant to you
but now you think….
that gun she put up to her head
why couldn’t it take you insted

I wrote this poem because I once had a friend that a boy made feel so bad she wanted to die! This is what you boys need to be aware of because one day you might drive a girl to her death because you never made her feel she was loved and your opinion may one day be the only one she will want to hear.

Ur hands
so big
so rough
i never knew
they cood bring so much pain

red marks on my cheeks
blood in my mouth
bruises on my arms and legs
my swollen tummy
now deflated
blood dips from between my legs

Ur hands
so big
so rough
i never knew
they cood bring so much pain

with ur hand
u murdered my heart
u murder our child
u left me here
in this pool of blood
crying… dying

Ur hands
so big
so rough
i just never knew
they cood bring so much pain

Topic: Death

I walk to the school. I gaze at the world around me, and can’t understand the the river of lifeless souls silently passing me by. I try to find my place inside their grayness, I dive deeper into the river, but I don’t find a cure for my illness:

My tortures are all the same. That Alien in my mind is tortures me again and again: the only feeling I recently have is the will to escape, but alas I’m too weak now. My body burns, as my silent torturer hits me, but I realize that the most painful scars are the ones that I bare till I have been born.

I wish that my silent torturer would be dead. The chains are getting tighter, even my flesh starts to burn. I scream, but no one hears, as they are concerned by the grayness of the world surrounding. I see them passing by; their river is silent: they aren’t supposed to show that they have feelings, because “feelings make you weak”.

And then, when I think that I don’t have the strength to escape, even the power to breath, I realize, that there was no way to run away, as the torturer standing in front of me is myself, and the old well known scars tearing my mind apart are the ghosts of my education, my errands and even my well constructed life.

I wish again that my torturer would be dead. Nothing changes. Then I wish that I’d be dead. My torturer disappears, and the one thing I see is my anguished body, lying on the street. For a moment I think that no one even notices my body on the ground, then someone knees down, and I see a tear falling down on her face. As she touches my body rotten in soul, one last desperate cry echos in my head:
“You have tortured yourself even in death, ’cause she is the one you have been waiting for.”

i can not seperate my self from the suffering
nomore can i walk with people and not feel the pain in my head
and in my
heart
what am i to do…
so alone
so alone
blood on my face
a hole in my heart
all i see is red
rage and hate cloud my mind
my insanity pours out like a stream…
i’m soaked in it
soaked in pain and insanity
what am i to do all alone?

In my own little world the sky is black and the land is dry. The only thing lingering about the inferno above is a raven with eyes as red as fire itself, consuming it deeper and deeper into darkness… into extinction. Enter my unholy abyss and die trying to escape. Search as far as you like, though, be warned, that death is lurking behind every corner, waiting for you to step closer into hell. Pain and torment, lust and passion, torture and death: All of these things make a perfect cicle of life inside my head. Now they want to get out… tempting me, their one and only creator, into darkness. Life is wonderful, many say…

I say speak for yourself little maggots. Life is a pain in the ass.

Okay, sometimes I may come across as rude. If I see something out of place and it’s a friend of mine, they will find out from me. It seems the only right thing to do.

Imagine, you are going to work. Walking into the office someone stops you and says, “Look down.” There is a maxi pad stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

What do you do?

Do you freak out so everyone can see it? or Do you thank them and take it off before anyone notices?

It isn’t hidden from anyone what’s going on. Everyone can see something wrong whether it is lint, food in your teeth, bad breath, the list goes on.

I remember one friend in particular that wanted to hang out with the gothics, but wasn’t picking it up too well. She could tell she was different and so could everybody else. A mutual friend is how we knew eachother. Sometimes being as I am she would appear simply industrial with me. However, in other circumstances people called her, “elf.” It was not pleasant or nice in anyway.

Another friend would sometimes try telling me about someone she met. I would say, “Did they have black hair and all dressed in black?” At the club this was a given. Think about it for awhile. I personally appreciate blondes, redheads and everyone together, but if there wasn’t a sign out front you should put it together.

Yes, everyone is different, but try to blend. As a friend, just letting you know.

When I’m doing my own thing, who cares, not me. But I know my colorfully striped sweater and plaid pants are not impressing any goths out there.

Quite a long time ago, it was brought to my attention that other people could sometimes tell I was judging them. Oddly enough they thought they were the only ones doing the judging and took offense.

This flies in the face of so many psychologists. According to the reflection principle, everyone assumes everyone else does the same things they do.

People really do think they are special.

its so confusing
not even knowing
not understanding
the way i am
who im ment to be
taking on my role
paying my tole
having a life
seperating day from night
being unstable
im just wasting my time
telling u this
expressing myself
wishing for death
not holding on to life
im just not understanding
the person i see
is this really me?
is this really the way it is ment to be?
i just dont understand me

I thought we were friends.
just having a good time
so many memories
Do you even give a damn?
It was me and you
all the time
now, you betray me for someone new
How could you?
but thats right, isnt it
you dont give a damn
Just fuck all the plans
you and I
friends for life?
so young and immature when i thought that
its a real bitch when a friend dises you
exspeacialy for a reason they said the didnt believe in
isnt that beig hypercritical?
but im not writting to tell u what i think
im writting to tell you what i have to say
and what i have to say is:
i trusted you
i believed in u
u and i where one of a kind
we still r
but u want someone rich
find then, just be a bitch

I can’t believe my eyes. Why does no one love me? I fell like i should die.

-*~*-*~*-*~*-*~*-*~Swedish~*-*~*-*~*-*~*-*~

Systrar, timman �r kommen
Vi skall alla p� nytt f�das
& v�lkommna de p� andra sidan

Porten �r svag, s� l�t oss hj�lpa dom
Systrar, rop ut Wiccan Rede
Rop ut Samhain!

-*~*-*~*-*~*-*~*-*~English~*-*~*-*~*-*~*-*~*-

Sisters, the hour has come
We shall all be reborn
& welcome thee on the other side

The gate is weak, so let us help them
Sister, cry out the Wiccan Rede
Cry out Samhain!

Do you really want to know what I think of magic? Do you? Well, it is not a tastefull answer, considering you might think me to be a practitioner of such.

You see, when I was young Jesus or Christ whatever you want to call him let me down. The more I tried to believe the more it failed. I fell into the wrong crowd as most and chose to simply not believe in anything. It wasn’t until I was much older, I realized. Christ was not my savour God was. Then the words I sang so often when I was younger, had a knew meaning and the true meaning of world I was drawn to made sense. The poor girl moved to commit suicide, as I had. Suddenly believed in Christ, but had no more options to try and redeem herself.

You see that is what it is all about. It is what it has always been about. Seeing God is above all, including Christ. Some cannot believe in others. Perhaps it is their destiny and their destiny may not be forefilled until they are much older.

A strange method of events happened before I made this realization. I keep it secret. It is a secret only to me. I see angels. Angels however do not look quite the same as you think though. Many a time I would see and hear them. Often I would think they were something else. Not demons, but not human and definitely not angels.

I met a man who had read books that could find the name reference and place them. As I learned more, I found most people block the real images of them from their minds, chosing not to see the truth. Without my forethoughts or ideals to cloud them, they were always just there.

One night I read his tarot card layout. The room was tense. I could see a man in a black hat and cloak standing there. His face was down to the bone, looking like a pirate of sorts. An ancestor of this man.

As I read the room got unnaturally quiet. No wind or movement anywhere. He touched the cards and out of nowhere a gust of wind flew threw the room. At this moment, I knew I could no longer go on as before. I must go to the ultimate trump card, God. Already having three versions of the bible it was easy to read occasionly. “The Holy Scripture” was my favorite. I read and read, until I found it. What I needed to know, then read some more. Hopefully, then this could all go away.

I’ve always been kind hearted. The old saying, “Cannot kill a fly.” applied. Once three flies became my pets so I wouldn’t have to kill them for flying around the house. I would give them milk to eat. They would watch TV with my and fly about. Never would I want to harm anything or anyone.

There were people around, quite different. That’s how I was introduced to many of the books I had read about magic. Considering it was still mainly a joke to me, who cares, right. Wrong. After finding out all these things where true, it was hard to not try and manipulate these forces. Once a creature called a naga, presented themselves to me. Full 3-D real life action hero. It was very cute and pleasant. That didn’t stop me from running away and how I did. Down the hall, past the gargoyles and under the archway with the lion’s head. I ran to my car.

All of a sudden it wasn’t just my invisible friends keeping me company, no. It was a full realization of who and what they were. Many thoughts surfaced. Much anxiety to those who wanted to portrait them as monsters. They were not monsters, after all this time. In fact, far more descent than humans. A huge ellaborate plan played out, simply to find my way back to God. Once I attempted to gain money, the wrong way. It was then I decided to inhibbit my magical communication to them. Only if it was okay with God and just should I have anything. They should ignore me whenever they want. It has made life hard. However, I would hate to have someone’s death on my head or hands, because of a malicious moment.

That brings me to tonight. You see a long time ago, some teenagers died in the area I once lived. I didn’t find out about it until months after I already moved. It didn’t suprise me. One of the first books about magic I read told me, to initiate, go out into the woods, find a cave and stay there on a blanket for three days. Ha! Luckily I was still an atheiest. I’d be dead now too. However, you see, in a blind attempt to find who done it, I think they pinned it on me.

Another thing I found out on my discovery of God, is my natural born name, given to me by my Mother is 111. Most would tell you it is only three. Sometimes thinking about finding out what it means, temps me to read more. The goodness in me sees it would be wrong though. I do know that I have an obscure sense of knowing when a spell is placed on me and from what dirrection it comes.

Tonight, I lay choking in my bed. At first I thought it was just this illness, then after a minute realized it was something sent to me, by accusers who know not better. “Return to sender. Return to sender.” I think to myself when this happens. An eerie image of a circle of people enters my mind. They are all standing there together, filled with hatred and accsations. Then another voice interfers while I try to return the death spell. Go to the computer it says and tell everyone. Then they will not pursue anymore or realize what they are doing wrong. This isn’t just a thread to you but actuall force and those behind it should be brought to light.

Considering this for a moment, the location of them was not from the town I lived in. Chances it is not them dirrectly, but I do know who brought me to those books and things that would lead someone eventually to suffication.

There was Donald Seher. Once proud of breaking a man’s legs with parchment paper. He took me to the book place. I wanted to go downstairs. Upset by the books I was drawn to we went back upstairs. Kevin Reece. He never did anything dirrectly but test me once. Only that once while watching the movie. Quickly I was naturally moved out of his space. I saw a room once, not meant to be seen.

Quite frankly, all he ever really was, was a point of interest. Kind-of a fool of sorts, getting wiggled around, with others saying be cool like him. Be cool like us. Still it comes to mind. All of them with their black clothes and other accesories trying to draw people in.

It has been hard for me. Trying to fight against wickedness, but the wickedness is all around. Sometimes even within, when I have haatefull thoughts. Thoughts of death. Hard to walk such a narrow lane. Perhaps tommorrow will be better. Perhaps tommorrow people will not be so vain as to think they know the truth about me. It was only a year before I left someone managed to finally penatrate my atheiest bubble, leading to tarot cards (the most advance magic I ever tried) or names of dieties. Nope. Before then everything was as easy as coincidence and sometime just sometimes a voice telling me the name of God when I looked in to the sky. Sometimes the name Terrina. Sometimes a little whisper telling me I’m Death on vacation so relax a little. Someone kind-of wedding, but I don’t see it. Not any time soon.

In my cavern I wait alone
Fueled by malice and dark intent
I carve my thoughts upon a stone
I feel no pity, I will not repent

I was thrown into darkness
Left in my bitter loneliness
I loved her so….
But for her to live
I had to die
So i left
Left, and for her happiness,
I was forever condemned
To my pit of despair….

The dark recesses of this world lie and wait to come alive in me
when I snap I’ll be darkness instead of living in darkness
When I lie awake at night I wonder why my father hated me so Continue reading →

When Im asleep I hear his voice
When Im alone I have no choice
I open the window
and look to the sky
I holler his name
and ask god why
why he let them take him away
why do I hear his voice every day
why do I wish for whats only a dream
hes not coming back so just let me scream
Ill scream out his name
and then start to cry
ill fall to the ground and ask god why
why he chose to come and take
the only one who could make
the smile on my face mean so much more
everytime he walked in that door
that smile he had and that gleem in his eyes
god will forever hear my cries
so when I look at that door
the one he came through years before
I think of how hes gone away
because of god I can say
“because of you I cry each night,
I want to vanish out of sight,
I wish you could’ve taken me,
instead you took what made me free,
now im trapt inside my dream,
where he can only hear my screams,
because of you I hear his voice,
open the window with no choice,
open the window,
look at the sky,
holler his name,
and ask you why,
why you took the one I love,
why not just take it all,
leave me without any care,
why not just let me fall?

Take this thing away from me,
as far away as it can be.
It looks so shap and feels so cold,
im sorry i cant fit into societys mould.
The pain they cause me deep inside
makes me feel i want to die.
Why do i bother? why do i try?
they still treat me like a fucking child!

I want ot die i want this to end,
Sometimes i feel skunks my only friend.
When i am brave, whenever this will be,
i will use my blade and set myself free.
Then they’ll be sorry, then they’ll see,
why they shouldnt have fucked with me!

Every time things get down,
people wonder why i frown.
i make out i’m happy all the time,
if only they knew what was really on my mind.
Ive tried so hard to be polite,
but it only gets me into another fight.
Why do i bother? why do i try?
they still treat me like a fucking child!

My wrists are acheing to be slit
i want to slice up every bit
But im a chicken, im a bitch
i wish i could just flick a switch.
Then it would be over,Then they’ll see
Why they shouldnt have fucked with me!

Well about a year ago my friend started cutting himself and so did I following him. but then about a month later a friend of his told a consuler at our school and he got sent to a mental institute. Then suddenly after that we stopped. But now for some reason I want to cut myself again. I dont know why I just do just to feel the adedilyne rush through my fucking body as I bleed. It feels so good but I don’t want my friend to find out and critzise me. And even more I don’t want my girl friend to find out don’t know what she would do. but i still want to do it so I probaly will even if I end up like friend did, or if my girl friend and my friend leave me.