Entries from December 2003 ↓

My beautiful black rose
stands out among the rest.
It holds more beauty
than that of the surrounding roses.
My rose captures more feeling.
Thousands of red roses
envelope my lonely rose.
Yet my rose draws more attention.
It strikes the eye
of every passerby.
Lovely, velvet, red…
It makes your heart lift with joy,
but my ebony rose
can show you so much more.
It’s stories will bring you to tears.
Painful tears that will pierce your soul.
Viloent words to make your
ears ring till they bleed.
The beauty of pain shines through.
Hurt and heartache yell
out in melodic screaming.
My black rose wears all colors.
Colors of pain
Colors of joy
Colors of tears and abandonment
The only way to see them
is to look past my
black rose immortal…
and listen.

†April Rocha†

Never knowing
that it was showing
It was starting to get cold
And the feeling began to get old
No feeling could be great
Everything felt to be fake
Everyone was pretending
The feeling was never ending

Not you or anyone else could stop it
Its like you were bit
What turned you on kept going
What you truely loved was never knowing
You could never change
Why couldnt you get your thought to rearrange

Why was it that night
That it had taken another bit
As the blood ran down
And my wrists were wound
It wasnt the knife
That had taken there life
It was just there lust
They could no longer trust

I guess it was their morals
Had just ran in corals
It really is a tragedy
That i herd it in this melody
There obsessions rised
And you could no longer see into their eyes

Black as death
Everyone had taken their last breath
But the killing
Had just became thrilling
The taste
Was so great

The room was painted red
And some were still layin on the bed
With every stroke of the wrist
Someones good half was missed
Every passion that came
It was as if everything had become a game

No one was themselves
Or maybe they were
Deep inside
Its what they wanted
There desires
It made it happen
The thoughts
The feelings
The guilt, pain, love, drowning of themselves
Everything had to end

It was like a glass
That was about to overflow
No one could take themselves anymore
there past haunted
There future feard

It took that night
For everyone to disappear…

To speak,
To hear,
To respond on que,
To hate socializing, To hate you

Why should i talk, participate or even, show emotion
Shouldnt i destroy myself, expecially when i know and you know, I HATE YOU !!!

From the smallest partical, smallest bit of determination i know, i’ll use. You can try to kill me but you will allways know that the time you spent i will kill the emotion you use.

You speak within me and, have no sorrows for i will bleed, and the darkness in me will keep me company,
as it has before…..

Drow me , chase me, take me down you will never win, I will live in eternal darkness, you will leave me here, and begin again.

You believe in lies you never choose it is why you leave me with nothing, you leave with marks of demise, of hatred. Death will come easy to you short, swift, and oh so bitter sweet.

Sunlight pierces through the cream colored curtains, and for several minutes, I lose myself in memories I cannot grasp, and I wonder what happened this time in my dreams, because, lately, they’re more active, more real than my life.
I’m conscious.
Testing. Testing.
I’m back in this world. Here, I feel exhausted.
Resting is strenuous not unlike opening my eyes, and touching the closest surfaces to comfort myself with the idea that my surroundings are solid. This fact repeats itself no matter where I go.
Then, I cover myself once again, warm bed sheets asphyxiating me, hiding me from another day. I would like to forget I woke up, but the television is on, and it’s deafening like everything else around me.
Throughout the years, I have tried to extol contradictions and their limpid vagueness. However, my imagination continues interrupting me with its congruous chaos, and transformations of mere dreams into tangible forms, which in their entirety tell me that extolling is banal, that communicating with any entity is nonsense.
The “effluvia of my carcass” is back in this world.
What am I doing here?
Testing. Testing.

Where did he go when I needed him most
Lost in the abyss of a darkend hole
Accepting my losses and welcoming fate
This is the end for he was to late

Lost the faith bestode upon me
Total misfortune as fallen upon me
My soul blackened with sin
By the evil which lurks within
Consuming my heart and flooding my mind
Where are you lord in this need time

Believe in me is his plea
Yet in return nothing but deciet
Give him my soul
for what i do not know
the thought of him has left me cold

Where did he go when I needed him most
Lost in the abyss of a darkend hole
Accepting my losses and welcoming fate
This is the end for he was to late

“i stand in my bathroom the sharpest razor in my right hand, and in my left, a red rose grasped tightly in my palm. the thorns pricking my hands. starign at my reflection in the mirror in disgust. so imperfect. i hate what i see. thoughts of every lost love and broken heart running threw my mind.a single silent tear rolls down my cheek. it will be the last of the thousands ive shed. i rais my right arm and draw the sharp end of the razor to my neck. with one swift motin, i slit my throat. such a beautiful cut. the kind that dosent bleed right away. and you can see inside your skin. then the blood starts to flow. so quickly like a river running. the blood starts to stain the collar of my shirt. i lie myself down in the water filled bathtub. submerging my whold body up to my lips. i watch the clear water turn to a cloudy red. and everythgin begins to fade into black. now i can see myself as if i were floating above. i look down upon my dead lifeless body. the red rose that was held so tightly ’till death, now lies wilted on the floor. small drops of blood in my palms from the thorns. and at that moment i felt truly free. truly happy. nothing could take this feeling away from me. not “him” not “her” not my parents, not my friends, none of your so called gods. no one. bacause now.. im free forever. theres no going back.”

This isn’t actually very good but i wrote it as a song, it how i feel bout someone.

is this the way i wanna be?
is this the way i wanna see,
my eyes so clouded by tears
bitter tears

the things u do to me 6
so degrading, so wrong 6
what do u think i am 6
how do you u see me 5
WHAT AM I TO YOU?! 5

is this the way i wanna be?
is this the way i wanna see?
NO! its you who is changing me
changing me

u make me feel worthless
I’m feeling so confused
theres nothing left for me
i am so lost now
so utterly lost

i do not wanna be
nor do i want to see
just leave me here now
I’m all alone now

so alone

all alone

alone…….now

This one night I went out with some friends there was 5 guys and 5 girls Ali one of the guys and also one of my best friends and me and my now Ex. boyfriend. Back then we go and get fuck up do drugs and drunk like mad we party hard and long. At times we slip up and each guy and his girlfriend would go there own way and “have fun” and then we all would meet back in 1 to 2 hours. So I went with my boyfriend Nick to the other side of the beach walk it was nice walking over the beach at night with the stars over us and the water hitting are feet’s right? No he was very fucked up that night I could smell the beer from him in the air and the weed everywhere. That night I did some speed nothing much. We were hugging and kissing and that’s when things started going bad we sat down in the sand because I got sick of walking. Nick and me have had sex before tonight but nothing like this night. He was so fucking drunk and I was feeling sick. He would not stop kissing me and toughing my leg and from there things just got out of hand. He stared biting my neck where I like it and taking off my shorts and shirt and then he took off his shirt and pants. I keep on thinking in the back of my mind run run run. But me run I never did he came back to me and took off my thong and bra so that I lay there but naked in the sand. He went to kiss me and get on top of me and I said stop and get the fuck off of me but he did not listen it if like he could hear nothing but the water hitting the sand I will never forget. As he said don’t worry it will be over soon. I said no stop as he pushed his penis deep in me. I screen as loud as I could but not one could hear my cries for help. Holding my hands together over my head so I could not stop him as he had his way with me. I keep waiting for the moment when he cum inside me so it could all end it seen like forever until it happed. I got dress as Nick throwing up and pass out. I ran as fast as I could and found Ali and he took me home that night. I will never forget that night when it was a full moon and the night I lost my baby and how hard the try to take the skin off my body to get the feel of dirty off me how long I cry the feel of pain in my heart. I loved you Nick now I hate you because of you my life is fuck up and will never be the same.

Black hole in my heart
Where the darkness leaks out
Filling my soul, my world
Tearing it apart

I stand alone in this crowd
Time for me is frozen
I watch others bustle before me
Their pointless lives passing by

I reach out
To their chaotic symphony of life
No one ever holds out a hand
An offering of acceptance
Instead I draw the blade
Plunging it deep
causing pain so sweet
as my black blood pours out
around and over their lives
I am not granted the peace
Of deaths sweet embrace
Instead I linger
Left on the outskirts
An empty cold husk
lifeless
deathless
forever

It’s not that she needed the confidence, she knew she could do it, she just didn’t want to. But as it was not her choice to make she did what was asked. So there she was, sitting on the imported Italian leather lounge, waiting to hear what her psychiatrist had to say. The doctor delivered her diagnosis without disappointment. As she read what she believed to be the answers, from her hand written notes, she starred into the 15 year olds cold blue eyes, looking to see if she was right, and maybe to see signs that what she was saying was hitting a nerve, but there was no movement in her vivid blue eyes, they were cold, careless and empty. They were as cold as her once loving heart, they were as careless as her once bubbly and friendly spirit, and they were as empty as her once righteous and caring sole. Her loving, friendly and caring qualities were long gone, as was her will to live; she was without a care in the world. Not every one knows this and no one knows why she is like this… not even her. She just simply starred straight back. After hearing from her new doctor that she was anorexic, anaemic, bulimic and suicidal she blinked, looked to the floor, then looked back at her doctor and said both confidently and innocently “I’m not bulimic”.

-Angel-

i’m lying here again,lost in thoughts of you,your picture in one hand,knife in another,tears stains on my face, blood all over the place, my cd player on repeat, every song a stinging reminder of you, i loved you when i first saw you, you took my pain & fears away, and made me see light in this dark world,now you have taken your love away, and my life, your not here to stop my bleeding, so now i’m going to die for you

i’m stuck in a loop, i can only think, feel or express misery everything and everybody make it worse so i sit alone. i sit and do nothing lest is hurt all the more. my soul is bleeding, screaming, burning. my thoughts are writhing, screaming twisting. i’m sinking into black despair i’m burning to hurt somone i hate everyone and everything i want to see it all burned down to the ground. there is only one person who keeps me here, keeps me real, keeps the insanity away. but their not here so i’m sinking, drowning in my own despair, in the icy waves of a black sea. so cold it burns, a black fire in my heart killing me, stealing the last dregs of my hope. crimson fire burns through my veins crying to be released, to burn off this darkness. but i can’t move, i can’t do anything, the tool that will release that burning crimson river lies next to me, the scars that lie on my wrists prove it has worked before, yet i cannot move. that black fire has consumed me, i cannot move nor feel nor hope, that icy death has taken me, i’m dead and my soul is fading, dying and the tool that can stop it lies next to me. i have nothing, i am nothing, i’m fading, dying, drowing in that icy blackness. My soul sinks into the abyss my thoughts are raging my hands burn with hate my blood screams for realease and yet i sit and do nothing. I’m drowing, fading, dying and i sit and do nothing.

In the eyes of other they say…

So many tears have been shead

One to many hearts have been broking

Not enough lives have been takin

Lots of people think that wat they have is

The greatest thing but then when they look

Around they see pain and dispair but when

I look around i see dead bodies every where

And lots of blood…

In my eyes this is what i see

More than enough hearts have been broken

One to many lifes have been taking

And not enough tears have been shead

I want my life to be takin away but it cant be

Takin away from me…

I walk among the Dead and the Damned

The Suicidal and Depressed

I stand for everything that is dark and

croupted…

..Do not know why I am standing here,
next to nothing,
outside everything.
My mind spinning around,
I am confused, but sad at all.
Take me back to the life,
that I lived..

Do not know why I am standing here,
next to nothing,
outside everything.
My mind spinning around,
I am confused, but sad at all.
Take me back to the life,
that I lived..

Go away stop dont look at me it hurts
why do you always have to be such a jerk
do you even know those words you just spoke
you called me a bitch you called me a whore
i ran away crying and slamed my door
i called you an ass hole i ment it im shore
i know you hate me and i know just why
so you no longer have to sit there and lie
im sorry for huring
im sorry for even being born
im sorry im not your real daughter
im just some second hand toy
so you can stop pretending you love me when you dont
cause i cant stop your anger
i cant stop your pain
i cant stop you feeling like im such a shame
wou wont stop treating my life like a fucking game
and im to shy so say this
so i guess ill go on living in this pain.

Make a wish
blow out the candles
i never think twice i wish for you
they wonder why
im always so sad
like they havent a clue
its because i cant have you
i guess someone should have told me
that wishes dont come true.

I stare despratly into the night sky
searching and hoping for just one reason why
you had to die

i grasp for the moment thats always to far ahead
that you will be here
istead of dead

i cry as i lie awake in bed
thrying to breathe air that will never be there
my heart once a whole now a half

you stole the key to my soul
i will never be whole
just a broken half.

Hearts broken,
Tears fallen.
Thousand promises turns blank.
Cold and Alone, body shivers,
End of the road, hope quivers.
Razor by hand she foolishly think,
“Should this be the end?
Shall heaven be my guide?
Leaving the plains of sorrow,
once my body die?”
With a pencil she writes, to her love ones goobye.
Than she looked at her wrist, letting the razor blade slide.
She closed her eyes and smiled, bidding farewell to her stress.
As her blood rushes out, absorbed by her dress.
Slowly she sits, as the world starts to fade.
Only now did she ponder, has the right choice been made?
Yet all is too late now, can’t go back as before.
But no one will miss her, there is nothing to live for.
So that is how she passed on to a world far away,
All she left behined, was saddness to this day.

im sorry but i need help. um, well my mom put me in coulnising, cuz she thought there was somethin wrong w/me being in my room constley. but anyway i started cutting. my consler dosent kno but one of my friends had a idea that i might be so she asked to see my wrists. then she saw all the cuts and i promised i would stop if she diddnt tell anyone. so now its christmas break and i really really want to cut but i am trying not to cuz i kno if she sees my wrists she will tell my parents. so i just had to cut and now i am slicing up my body. well my feet hert like hell cuz they hav cuts all over them. and i can barley sheve my legs cuz there are cuts all over them to.

i really really want to stop but i feel like i cant. . . please just try to read this and try to give me some advice.

I am the glissing darkness that takes away the beautiful glittering light in your eyes. i am the most wonderful thing that makes there things happen in your sleep.i am the one thing that makes you lifeless, pail, and num. Num. as you are in your sleep. thinking its all a dream when you wake up with hate, darkness, and the taist of fresh warm flesh and blood in your mouth. but you still swallow that sweet salty taisting nector that is left behind in your mouth. blood evrewhere- in your bed, on your floor, and lightley on your strange clothes that you wake in. its becoming an obession, a evreyday thing that has become a addection. months later, waking with light purple pale bruses covering your bright beautiful eyes as they used to be, now dark, lifeless, and now comfterley still as they will be until death awates you.

do not fear, i am not nearley done with this great transportation and bloody masterpice that you are becoming. . .

You are the star that shines so bright, up in the dark and lonely night. As i look upon you with awe, all my sadness and troubles fall. You maybe far and out of touch, but my love knows no bounds, i know this much. When i think of you, i see that glow, a thousand suns dont even know. Distance and time has made me stronger, my love for you will last that much longer…..So as you look up at the stars tonight, and you see the one that shines so bright….Think of me as i think of you, bound together by a love so true.

I’m just a child…
a person that can’t live without fear,
a person that can’t live without pain.
Buried in my thoughts,
I live without a soul.
My mind is empty and dark.
My body lies motionless and bruised on the dirty floor.
My wounds still bleed from last night’s beating.
I stare into nothingness as the darkness holds me tightly in it’s palms… but my eyes are wide open with fear.
I can see right through you… I see the small spot of life left of me drowning the floor tiles.
In your memories you’ll find me,
just waiting to die… wanting to die.
It’s a madness I cannot bare… I must let it out and set it free,
at last it will stop haunting me, luring me into deep temptations.
But it won’t stop… it never does and never will.
Don’t be like me.
Don’t give up without a fight.
Death is near… Death…

Sitting in the snow
on my face a frozen tear
I wish I could just sleep
through all of my december
Everyone is happy
it’s the most wonderful time of year
for me it just means fear
all my friends are gone away
The day is coming near
When every single thing I have
Is taken far from here
It’s hopeless in my heart
how can I make it clear
but when I try to tell someone
it’s like no one can hear
It all just stays the same
like living in a mirror
no one hears you screaming
I’ll die if I stay here
It echos off the glass
and hits me in the face
cause nothing ever changes
here in this empty place
Now the air is getting cold
This is just another day
here in my december
alone I’m left with nothing
I sit here in despair
wonderin bout tomorrow
and who will still be there

It was cold. Silver and cold. But it was such a beautiful night. It was a light drizzle as River and Lana walked along the edge of the woods. Walking to their secret spot and holding hands, the moon hung halfway behind a cloud. They walked a little further and soon were at the small clearing with the patch of grass in the middle. Lana layed down on the patch of grass and gave River and dark, sexy look. River smirked and layed beside Lana.

“You’re beautiful tonight.” he said, leaning on his elbow.

He stroked the side of her cheek and leaned his forehead against hers. River slipped his arm around Lana’s waist and pulled her closer to him.

“I’ll be here forever.” River said.

“Will you?” Lana asked, staring deep into his brown and blue eyes.

“Forever.” River leaned in and kissed Lana’s lips.

He slipped his toungue inside her mouth and pulled her closer. River layed ontop of her and kissed her again. Lana kissed him back and wrapped her arms around his neck. He moved to her neck and started lightly sucking on it. River took a light bite and made her gasp when he pulled on her skin. He didn’t bother to pull off her fishnet shirt because it already revealed her blood red bra.

Lana pulled off River’s shirt and started sucking on his neck, moving down his chest and to his torso. She wasn’t sure what to do at that moment so moved back up to his face and kissed his lips once more. Staring up into those beautiful brown and blue eyes, she said, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” River said.

Her eyes were florescent to the moonlight as River looked into her eyes.

“Forever.” he said. “I’ll never leave you.”

***

It was a bright and early morning. The sun was shining through the blinds and bounced off Lana’s face. Great morning, bad night, she thought. For it was a bad night. Dark shadows in her dreams, falling backwards.

I’ve gotta get something to eat, she thought. Lana walked to the kitchen and picked out a box of Fruity Pebbles. Taking down a red bowl, she poured the cereal into the bowl and then went to the fridge for the milk. While she was picking up the jug the phone rang.

Picking up the cordless from the counter she said, “Hello?”

“Yes, is this Miss Lana Simons?” a manly voice asked.

“Yes, this is she. May I ask who’s calling?” Lana asked.

“This is the Texas Police Department. We’re calling in regards of your boyfriend, River Daniels.” the man said.

“What happened? Did he get arrested?” Lana asked.

She chuckled under her breath and began pouring milk into the bowl.

“Um…no..he was murdered.”

The milk jug fell out of Lana’s hands. Murdered? she thought.

“We’re extremely sorry, ma’am.” the man said.

“I…I…” Lana blacked out, dropping the phone and fell to the ground.

***

“Lana….wake up…”

There was a distant voice.

“Lana….it’s me…”

Lana began to come to.

“Lana…”

Her head ached and there was a huge pain in the back of her head. Opening her eyes, she realized she was in her kitchen.

“What happened?” Lana sat up quickly. In fact, too quickly.

Her heart was racing. What had happened? It was a phone call. She had fell. Because….River was murdered. Why?

“Where’s River?!” she cried.

“Now honey, you need to go and lay down…”

“No! I need to find him! He can’t be dead!” Lana got up from the floor and ran through the hall and out the front door. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she ran through the neighbors yard and to the woods.

Running through the trees, all she could see was a green and brown blur. She heard voices but they soon faded when she reached her destination. The small clearing with the patch of grass in the middle. It was then she realized she was still in her clothes she was wearing the night before. Running to the patch of grass, fell onto it and cried. She cried and cried and cried.

Her tears fell onto the patch of grass and soaked the dirt.

“You said you wouldn’t leave me!” Lana cried. “You said you’d be here….forever.”

She buried her face into her arms and cried even harder. No no no no, she thought. There was a rustling noise. Lana’s head popped up.

“Who’s there?” she called.

No answer.

She shrugged and put her head back down onto the cool grass. The grass she layed on when they first….

A snap of a twig.

Her head popped back up. She saw a white mist floating near her. She stood up onto her knees.

“Who…are you?” she asked.

Why did she just ask that? It’s a white mist. In the middle of a wood? The white mist took shape. It was River. Lana’s mouth dropped open. River dropped to his knees beside her and said, “Remember when I said I’d be here forever?”

The sky and the stars, the sun and the rivers
(such things in our lives are static forever)

The stars are our goals.
(Yet with a cruel twist of fate,
the sun is our master,
our lives it dictates.

And so to the river,
nature’s crystal grin.
Would I break free from my trappers
If I should cast my body in?

And so I’m sinking,
away from earthly matters.
And as I gaze up through the haze;
the sun begins to shatter.

Come sweet death and merry me to the grave
Let no light shine from my eyes and my flesh rot away
Let the stones and dirt embrace me in a deep earthen blanket
and my young hair turn grey

Come loving death and escort me to the grave
Weather it be to lakes of fire or heavens choirs I no longer care

Come you black and foul smelling thing
And bury me in a bottomless chasm
Take me to my final place

As darkness falls over my face my worst nightmare is realeased. Death and sadness surround me, choking me. Images of rejection and judgemental people. I dont want to be here. My fears have formed a black smog around me, it looks like a beautiful aura to the unseeing eye. Its swallowing me whole and i cant go on. The darkness has won…….

Jamie Pilton
ms_biatch_2_u@hotmail.com

my mind finds small corners to rest, when the day is too long, and my fortifude falls to short, i kiss the concrete, with inhalations of smoke and tears, my arms limp, beside my movement, walkin in the black of a mood, that swims over me, lost in the thoughts, that aren’t black and white, that aren’t coffee stained, more black and blue, and i drift into the fog of everyday routines, never knowin which way i can go, til i slip…

God, you were perfect. It was as if Aphrodite herself had taken her pure life-force, and transmuted it into a monolith of marble and with tools of gold and ivory, she fashioned it into your form.

Let me try to descibe the first moment we touched. It was as if we were dry, dead leaves, spontaneously ignited into a towering inferno, with flames so bright and high they filled the whole universe with light. No corner was dark. No sadness was felt. Even GOD himself turned and GASPED -in awe- at our perfection. The stars fell from the sky and lit the room for us, whilst angels fanned us with their wings. Your face was lit up in ethereal moonlight and for a tiny fraction of time… We were in heaven. We ruled heaven, you and I, for that split second.

I could have loved you, you know?
Really loved.
But to you I guess I was a throwaway. Cheap. Worthless.
Nothing.