Entries from January 2004 ↓

this submission belongs under peotic

i hear my heart beating
it spells out your name
it also spells death,
its all part of your game
the game you’ve been playing
i didnt know i was in
how bout we play my game now.
shall we begin?
it all starts with anger,darkness and pain
then you come back crawling and it all starts again

when the time goes backwards
you seem to be near,
your hearts cold as ice
for this reason alone
i get the knife and slice.
nearer than far
this is the time that i hate.
why do you come back?
am i bound by fate?

everytime i’m with you
i retreat into myself
its like all my emotions
are sitting on a shelf.
you pick one up, then smash it and go
i am nothing, i dont exist,
for all you know.

gentle whispers tell me i’m making a mistake
but i wont be fooled, i know they’re all fake.

i get it now
their your voices i hear,
trying to get me
to go back to my fear

I will not give in
like i have done so before.
but its still u
[I cant ignore]

This is a true story that really happened to me.

It was a cold and rainy night in the middle of January. I stood on my front porch steps, looking out into the darkness patiently waiting for my friend Jason and listening to the rain pounding on the roof top. I began to think of Spike, my best friend, who had committed suicide three years before. (For those of you who don’t know who Spike is read He Just Wanted Out.) The noise coming from inside the house wasn’t much better than outside. A couple seconds later, Jason came walking towards me. I raced toward him smiled to myself as a flash of lightning streaked across the sky.

“Hey Amber how are you?” Jason asked with concern.

“I’m doing ok but I need your help with something.”

Jason nodded his head and I led him up the porch steps and into the house. I could hear the sounds of glass breaking and someone screaming out in pain. Trying to ignore the yelling and cussing in the background, I went to the fridge and took out two beers.

“What are you doing?”

I jumped at the sound of my fathers’ voice.

“Nothing Troy, just getting a couple beers for me and Jason.”

I spun around to face my dad. He hated it when I called him by his first name. I heard someone whimpering like a lost puppy and I glanced behind him. He was holding my mom by her hair, I noticed her face was red and swollen. I touched my own bruised and blood stained face. My boyfriend Matt had beaten me only a couple hours before. Troy glanced at Jason then he turned back to me.

“Is he another one of the guys you so frequently FUCK!!!”

My dad yelled, spitting on my face. I stared straight into my dads’ cold, dark eyes, challenging him to even think about hitting me.

“No Troy, Jason is a close friend.” I replyed calmly.

Before my dad could say anymore, I motioned for Jason to open the door, that led to my basement bedroom. I slipped past my dad and walked down the stairs, carefully closing the door behind me.

“So what was that all about?” Jason asked curiously.

“I’m sorry you had to witness that. My dad can get hot tempered sometimes.”

I looked around my room for a towel to clean my face off with. Tossing Jason the beer, I grabbed a white towel laying on the end of my bed and walked into the bathroom.

“So what do you need my help with?” Jason asked sipping on the beer.

I came walking out of the bathroom wiping my face clean.

“Oh I just need you to talk some sense into my boyfriend Matt.”

Jason glanced at me with curiosity and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“What are you saying Amber?”

I looked at him and sighed heavily.

“Jason I need you to help me kill Matt.”

Jason stared at me, then got up and walked over to me.

What did he do to you?” Jason asked with a worried look on his face.

“He…..” I trailed off, unable to tell Jason what Matt had done.

“Come on Amber, you can tell me. We’re best friends.”

I took a deep breath and shaking slightly, told him what Matt had done.

“He raped me.” I said quietly.

the darkness shines apon my eyes,
leaving an evil glare,
i sit there desiring death,
watching the gatess of hell,
burn with envy,
shining so vacuous,
as i freeze,
and then i look at he rose on my window seel,
and clutch it gracefully,
as the redness fades,
and turns black,
i watch the gate open,
and loose all me fear ,
i dream to be there,

This was my first try a few years ago, be honest.

Oh joyus me,
I have been welcomed,
Into the foreign land,
Where so many wish to be.

The land where beauty rules supreme,
The people are different from me,
In many ways,
Its like a terrible dream.

This is one of my early ones, I hope you all like it. If not at least be honest about it.

Death is only the beginning,
Of a war,
Thats never ending,
Between two worlds.

It never stops or slows down,
When one side wins,
Will you go down,
You have to choose.

Will you choose the world of evil and hate,
Or the world of love and happiness,
Which one can you relate,
Which god will you serve?

Forgive the girl that doesn’t know,
What she has done,
Look at what she has left to show,
To all who cared.

Forgive the girl that was always alone,
Even in the largest crowds,
All thats left of her now are bones,
Surrounded by her misery.

Forgive the girl who will feel the pain,
From the world she has gone,
Where theres fire for rain,
And none left to care.

Forgive the girl for what she did choose,
She never knew,
All the things there were to loose,
Now she can think of them while she burns.

It is apparent that Iraq obviously wishes to bring about its own demise. Time and again have multiple countries come to Iraq’s aide in reconstruction and repair since the end of Major Combat in Iraq. Coalition forces have been working hard long hours to help better Iraq for the future and current generations of Iraq. And it is this same Coalition and Allied Forces that these Iraqi Insurgents now attack. It seems that Iraq has decided that taking on US occupying soldiers isn’t enough, it must also attack those people who are simply here to help better their crumbling nation.

In the month of November at least 104 Coalition forces from various countries, to include, but not limited to, Spain, S. Korea, Japan, and Columbia have been killed by ambushes and other violent attacks. Of these 104, 25 were from a country other than the US. It’s amazing how the very people who we’re trying to help continue to pursue forms of attacks on us.

Perhaps Iraq doesn’t realize what would happen if all Coalition forces were to leave it’s territory. Or perhaps they prefer the anarchy that has taken hold of their very land. It is our obligation as a liberating nation to repair the damage we caused during the war. But when is this obligation no longer necessary? I believe the time for helping these people is over. Every effort we put forth to help out Iraq, they destroy with an IED (Improvised Explosive Device), Rocket-Propelled Grenades, Hand Grenades, and continuous ambushes.

In my time as a US soldier in Iraq I have convoyed up and down the highways throughout the country during various parts of the war. What I see saddens me sorely. Piles and piles of trash lay alongside the roads. People are living in homes made of aluminum cans. There are some, the rich, who don’t have it so bad here, but for the most part this country is in ruins. So the Coalition forces strive to make this country a better and more peaceful country to live in; while the Iraqi Insurgents continue to attack them and make their efforts seemingly futile.

So, what could become of Iraq were we to leave these people to their makings now? From what I gathered the country would lie in anarchy. People doing whatever they wished whenever they wished; in fact that’s almost what it’s like now. Someone perhaps would rise up and take power in Iraq. Most likely I see Iraq falling into ruins, degrading to the point where only the strong survive and the weak are killed. But most likely these Guerilla’s would try to take control of the very country they are preventing reconstruction in.

I ask myself when I read the news and it says that more Coalition forces have been killed, What are these Insurgents trying to accomplish? We’ve been training police officers to try and take back the streets and cities in Iraq, but the Insurgents attack the newly assigned officers because they were helped by the Americans. Well, like it or not, in order for Iraq to be restored, help will now have to come from the Americans and Coalition forces. We liberated this country, now we must fix it. But so long as these insurgents and guerillas continue their attacks and constant rebellious attitude, Iraq will never know any form of peace. Perhaps that is what they want though, to live in anarchy, chaos, and terror.

I personally don’t think it’s worth it to be over here. But of course my opinion is slightly bias granted that I’ve been over here for the past year and am frankly sick of this country. I say let them destroy themselves. I say let them live in chaos. Mainly, I say bomb the hell out of the country and turn it into a glass parking lot.

Continue reading →

You create yourself from nowhere. Your own Pygmalion, you draw the lines of your face, and slowly, artistically, imaginatively, the map becomes a territory. Continue reading →

You love the sea.

You say you could spend days just sitting on the shore. You say the constant beat of the waves quenches thoughts, slakes desires. I don’t know, for me it’s just a pool of water. Continue reading →

THERE

i want to run
far away
from here
to a place
where i
can just
be

content
surrounded
by peace
and pure rage

ice
and wine
flowing
through my veins

driving me
to slice
poetry
and bibles
into the palms
of my
hands

WAITING

as i sit
in the darkness
gazing
at the black water
at the reflction
of the full moon
and empty sky

dark
and ready
2 swallow me
whole

i watch
waiting
4 something
anything

sitting
on the cold
damp grass

feeling
as if
the damnest creature
were about to
rise
from the pond

and snatch me away
to drain
away
the last drops
of my innocence

WORTHLESS

whenever
i let u
in

u shatter
my self-
respect

u come
2 me
when i’m at
my worst

and kick
me
when
i’m down

whispering
promises
in my ear

just 2 get
what u
want

then tossing
me
aside

like a used
doll

walking away
not looking
back

as i crawl
into a corner

and rock
myself
into a
dreamless
sleep

STRANGE BOY

hey
strange boy
with those fiery eyes
filled with sun
& moon

crackling
with energy
and passion

Speak 2 me
strange boy
i want 2 hear u
say my name

i want 2 hear
your voice
quiet
and simple

exciting
every nerve
in my body

Take my hand
strange boy
with those rough hands
callused from years
of working

complete opposites of
your lips
that look soft enough
2 kiss

UNTITLED

as i sink deeper
into the darkness
i wonder if it’s
wrong
as i lose myself
in the depths
of your soul
i realize
with slight detachment
i can’t remember
the light

GONE

how ya doin’
lonely girl
u still wishin’
2 disappear

u still wonderin’
if there’s
anything
2 live 4

u stll tryin’
to get lost
in the
Dragon’s Lair

u still think
u have no part
in
Life’s Little Play

do u still
try
2 blend
into the shadows

or have u
really
gone away

THOUGHTS OF WAR

i look around me
& what do i see

death & destuction
staring back at me

i wake up
each morning
everything’s a blur

chaos lifts his guise

dust from the battles
blind my eyes

& screaming children
cry 4 lost mothers
& fathers

screaming bloody murder

’till it’s there turn
to fight

WAITING HERE

crying here
all alone
in the shadows

Silently
weeping
So no one can know

hiding
the sweet pain
and anguish

drawing
Poetry
On a shaky arm

tracing
so slowly
to draw everything out

watching
as crimson tears
slide down so slowly

then wrap it all up
emotions & all
& never let anyone near

REVELATION

Blissfully unaware
seeking no redemption

blinded by logic
not giving in to temptation

seeking absolution
screeching at the silence

waiting 4 a revolution
& an end to the Violence

SHATTERED

i’m shattered
like bits of mirror
placed inside my eyes
where my soul used to be

& watching through
a backwards timeline
all of my forgotten past

waiting 4 a break in the
silence

waiting 4 an end to the
whispers

UNTITLED

chained
to my past

trying
to get free

hating u
4 what i feel

But not wanting
to lose your
hold on me

wanting
2 feel your kisses

wanting
2 feel your pain

feeling your claim
on me always

But thinking of you
with disdain

HIM

Fire is his spirit
ice is his eyes
with velvet hands
lined with stone
& words as sharp
as Knives

UNTITLED

drowning
suffocating

locked
in fear
of fate

trapped
inside
expectations

always
feeling late

hoping
that my conceptions

are wrong
& misdirected

waiting
to break free

unscathed &
unaffected

*(plz tell me what u think)*

UNTITLED

my mind is empty,
just like my heart
i’m outta luv
i’m outta my mind
i’m empty
nothing
just a waste of space
a watse of air a waste of flesh
i’m useless
no one needs me
not even me
do you?
do they?
does anybody?
maybe i don’t even exist
& if i do
maybe i shouldn’t anymore

UNTITLED

i’m afraid
to let you in
last time i did
i got hurt
i let my vulunarability show
& got stuck down
so i built a wall
of unbreakable stone
it shows in my eyes
& my voice
but if you dig deep enough
you’ll find i’m lost

HURT ME

Pour salt on my wounds
make my scars burn
cut me in the same spot
over & over again

Hit me until i bleed
slash me with your words
bite my lips
so i can’t scream

Cut me so fast
my blood’s still blue
make me shiver
with your hurt
just like before

PAPERCUT

The fire inside
has all burnt out
my passion is gone
my heart is frozen
and shattered into
a million pieces
like tiny icicles
or broken glass
that cuts deeper
and deeper
into my soul
like a pendulum
swinging closer
and closer
each cut
hacking further
and further
bleeding out
all of my control

SHE

She looks in the mirror
That is shattered like her soul
and watches how her self-hate
Leaks through its cracks
Shielding her
Until she is blinded by her insecurities

HELLO LOVER

hello lover
with the pranksta eyes
that always betray your face
the ones i can read
- like the journal
you hide under your bed-
the ones that reflect
all emotions
- that seem to cloud up
in your head-
as easily as a mirror
and i’m Alice
following you
like a little white bunny
down the rabbit hole
safe
within those
baby blues
lost in a wonderland
as you hold me tightly
chasing away the nightmares

FAERIE GYRL

who r u girl
with those fairytale wings
torn from past desires

do you really think
u can hide
from the world
from certain
death

is that really who u r
glittery & playful

running from sharp
metal
and edges

in the safety
of your trees

eating flowers
savouring their nectar
to cure
impure thoughts

fleeing free
in the wind

looking at the moon
atop
the weeping willow’s leaves

singing
in a melodious voice

writing poetry
for the stars

*(plz tell me what u think)*

i don’t
belong
2 u

i’m not
yours

2 do with
what
u want

you’ll
get
no luv

no sex

from me

from
your
ex-plaything

i’m not
your heroin

anymore

can’t
just shoot
me up

then leave
me
lying there

alone
& empty

lie
to make me feel
better
lie
to compliment
my self-esteem
lie
to make me want
you
lie
to make me
scream
lie
to change my mind
lie
to fuel my anger
lie
to rip apart
my sanity
lie
to take away
the danger

*(plz tell me what u think)*

111

U were the one
the one i fell for
fell in love with
shared everything with
u were the one
I gave my heart to
who gave me a soul
made me complete
who gave me eternal
happiness
U were the one
who kept me alive
gave me a reason to
be alive
now ur the reason
i want to die
Ur the one who tortured my heart
destroyed my soul
took my love
Ur the one
who killed my trust
ur the reason I cut
the one who devastated my soul
Ur the one
who betrayed me
put my heart in a blender
the reason why the pain is so great
Ur the one
who I still love
who haunts my dreams
my thoughts
every waking moment of my life
Ur the one

U were the one
the one i fell for
fell in love with
shared everything with
u were the one
I gave my heart to
who gave me a soul
made me complete
who gave me eternal
happiness
U were the one

Take me away
Into an alternate world
Take me away
And make me your girl
Take me away
Mold me to you
Take me away
Change my black clothes to blue
Take me away
Hold me tight
Take me away
Make me believe im alright
Take me away
Crushing my dreams
Take me away
Thrash my world, or as it seems
Take me away
Make me the same as the rest
Take me away
So for you, i can be the best
Take me away
Without caring for me
Take me away
Make me not myself, not unique
Take me away
So i can be alone and unhappy
Take me away

The soft blue swell of the waves.
Swishing over my feet.
Up to my ankles.
Higher.
Higher.
Dragging me under.
No air.
Deep breath.
Water.
Bright light.
Breathing again.
Darkness.

As I sit in my dark room, alone, in front of a computer screen talking to everybody I know and listening to them going on and on about how perfect their lives are. I sit and wonder, ‘whats it like to have a great life? what does happiness feel like?’ I get brace and ask my sister who has called to speak with my mom and she says ‘what are you talking about? your prefectly happy’ i cant do anything but laugh..it shows how little they know about me. I sit alone in my room as usual, this is my life, get up early to go to school, get there and get yelled at all day by teachers and sit alone in corners, get ignored by everyone. I try to talk with people, but guess what they do? just walk away or look at me funny, i get home and go to my room and just sit there and draw or go online, alone, as usual. Sure I have have friends, not many though. They never call or talk to me, they only talk to me when they want quiz answers or have no one else to talk to. No one sees through my fronts, with family and ‘friends’ i act perfectly happy..but when i try to express myself they ask “are you insane? what the hell are you talking about?” but thats ok. I can stay by myself forever. Im 17 years old, and have never even held hands with a guy or talked to someone for more then 10 minutes, but thats ok. being a loner is prefectly fine by me. All I need is myself, although..i feel like Im even slipping away from myself, slipping into insanily. but who really cares? i sure as hell dont. Goodbye world, youll be much happier without me.

I lie in the darkness, waiting to see you appear. Will that time ever come? So that this darkness will fill with light and I can see once again. Till that day comes I will wander in this darkness and hope it will not take me in. Till then, I will wait for you.

I lay in the darkness
Surrounded by fear.
All that moves around me
Is tear after tear.

I know it sounds crazy
I know it’s extreme,
But nobody understands me
Nobody hears me scream

I’ve lived my life
I’ve done my time
I’ve ruined everyones life
Now its time to ruin mine.

I’m sorry to do this
I’ll try not to cry
I’m a little bit scared
But I’m ready to die.

Good-bye family
Good-bye friends
I’ll watch over you
Until the very end.

So now I take the rope,
Tie it around my neck
I’m ready to do this
Yet I’m a nervous wreck.

I tighten the rope
I close my eyes and pray
I kick the chair
Now everything has gone my way.

I stop breathing
The blood rushes to my head
I’m gone now
Now I’m finally…. dead.

I want
To hear what you think;
What your depraved mind has to offer
To know how low can you drown my purity
How can you shine as
A star of illness on the sky
And you covered my horizon with your vomit,
What did you eat lately?
Yogurt and pickles? A nauseous combination
Distasteful just like your thoughts.
Wipe that smirk off of your face,
I can still smell your breath
The stench of rotten promises
Deep from inside coffin, you call a body.
I burned all your clothes
Nevertheless, the odor still lingers here
In every cell of your body
Evaporating from every pore of your skin,
And you don’t even sweat normally
But you know this…

I want
For you to be gone,
To relieve me of your presence.
But damage can not be undone
And the error of misplaced trust hurts
With the truth that you took it
And shattered it into pieces.
And you spent those few last days
Worth remembering here.
You writhed beneath me in pain
Violated just like them,
And you begged me for mercy
And I pitied you,
Pitied because it wasn’t nearly enough.
I took pleasure in your ache,
You screamed and moaned and cried
Then you asked me for death…
Your agony reached my ears
I smiled at you,
Took your face into my hands gently,
Kissed your lips tenderly
And questioned:
“Is this what you wanted?
Is this the way you wanted to die?”
And then you did it.
You’ve died.
I stand here now looking at your empty wreck
Disappointment creeping onto my face;
It didn’t bring them back.

I want
To sleep alone in peace with my shadows.
I want to savor my dreams
And wake up to the sun,
Knowing that birds are still singing
But not for us,
Not for us…

i’m geting the whole choking feeling again but see the truth is i am breathing at least physically

we are the now generation
we are what you create
we are the people you hate
we are the kids that have a tv babysitter
but you don’t care as long as we smile
tell you we are happy
we are the bastard children that you create
we are hated by all
loved by none
mom, dad, we are your kids
dont you see
we are the now generation
we kill ourselves each day
you say its ok
tell us we are fine
we are not fine
we are hated by all
loved by none
and feared by many
we are your bastard children.

It was dark outside, although I had to stand up and go. I was walking in the streets. I couldn’t fallow my thoughts, and the road was stretching and stretching…
Suddenly I realize that I have no where to go… I looked around and I saw that I was standing in the middle of crossroad. There were four roads to take, and how should I guess which one is right or wrong? How to make right move and not to fell down?
1 road: I see people, people without faces, without individuality, and no one cares if they lost there soul, no one cares being a slave of this life.
2 roads: I see the church, and I’m happy, finally I find the right place, and suddenly I see how the horns are growing. It’s not a house of the god anymore, there I won’t be able to get help and understanding, no one will give me his hand. I’m desired…
3 road: it’s very dark there, very dark… instead of the ground there is fear, I hardly can see the several people who try to fight, who chose the hardest road, which is unbearable. I see a person who tries to, reach the sun, he almost there, the have to make just few steps, but he can do that. He fells on his knees, now the pain is twice bigger, and he screams, tears are felling from eyes, he has no power to move. And he dies.
I was crying because of what I have seen. Now I doubt in everything.
4 road: in the end of the road I see a room. There is a girl, she is sitting on the chair, she’s crying. She is looking at someone’s picture, than she grabs it and holds it right next to her heart. Her eyes were telling all her pain, sadness, and hopelessness…
She takes a knife and cuts her veins. Blood was coming like a waterfall, her eyes were opened. Picture falls down, and suddenly it was covered with her blood…
After all I have seen I’m terrified and sacred. I don’t know what is the hope anymore. Thoughts in my head are confusing me, making me mad. I no longer want to live; I lost my passion, my dream. I’m looking for the light, which will guide me, help me. I’m only 15 years old and I want to die. It seems to me, that the day I was born, I lost the yearn towards the life. I WAS BORN DEAD. I’m afraid of every day that comes. I’m afraid of myself. I don’t know for what should I live, to whom it will be pleasant, to whom I’m necessary don’t know.
I lost the religion when I was 13. I lost my hope, the holiness; I’m losing my friends and MYSELF.
I will reach the aim; I will not be the shadow anymore, but all this is just a word that means nothing anymore. I can’t change everything I am, the world and the battle in my head for survival. I let myself to die.
I’m confused. And I’m very tired of life, of lies, of people and I’m tired of MYSELF. And I want to die…

this is the gun
the gun i hold
the gun i put to my head each day
the gun i practice with each night
the gun that’ll make everything alright
the gun that i put to my head and pull the trigger
the gun that’ll make the world less bitter
the gun that’ll take my life
cuz i cant live it any longer
i cant sit and wonder
wonder what will go wrong next
i’m tired of the pain
i have nothing left to gain
so fuck the world
i’m tired of being lonely
tiered of being phoney
so once i pull the trigger
everyone will know me!!!

forget his name forget his face forget his kiss and warm embrace forget the times the times that you once shared forget the fact that he once cared forget the times you spent together remember now he is gone forever.

forget when he played your song forget you cried the whole night long forget the things you use to do remember now ther is someone new

forget the way he use to talk forget you memorised his walk forget the times he was so mad remember now he is happy not sad.

forget his gentle caring ways forget you saw him yesterday forget how close you once were remember now theres someone new.

forget the thrill when he went by forget the times he made you cry forget the times you were so blue remember now its her not you.

forget the times that went by fast forget those times there in the past forget he said i’ll love you forever remember now he is gone forever.

the pain of a love forever lost lingers in my heart. Days long passed and kind words that were said. Now all i think of is that night, that one night i waited for you and you never came. I called you but you never answered. I was so mad then : then i found out… I found out you were dead. Hit by a drunk driver my one true love forever taken from my heart. The pain of a love forever lost lingers in my heart.

what is a vampire
a dark soul with no heart
a gloomy fellow that looks pale in the face in a mirror
he wears sunglasses in the sun but some only come out at nite they wander around the underworld if u dont know what the under world is its a long story well lets say this underworld is the birthplace of all vampire kind
they breath and feed there they suck the blood from thier victims there im not referring to the movie i seen the movie but it has nothing of what im saying