Entries from January 2004 ↓

Internally death eats
conquers and defeats
grows and blooms.
From the inside it consumes
slowly stabing into life
with the long blade of a dark knife.
Feeding upon its inosent living game
It takes no shame
causing illness and pain
all for its own gain.
With no remorse
It searches for lifes source.
Grasping and pinitrating the soul
forceing it out whole
and with lifes last breath
comes
Intenel Death

smiles in the darkness i have a fear of never living
but i havnt lived yet. “were is the joy!” i exclaim as
it echos down the hallbut no voice retures. “oh god
save from this hell!Save me from this hate! i need
words of comfort.”here in my corerleft in the shade,
here in the darkness.Oh so friendly faces of the
bitter eadge of death. a face so hiddious and horrid
but worst of all it is my own reflection, starring me
in the eyes.demons and ghouls pour from with in
me,smileing. SO much pain so much anger freed from my
viens. The moonlight reflects the pain, the lonely
nights spent in this imprisonment.Death creeped back
in to the shadows leaving a trail of screems chasing
through my mind. sitting in the shadows with my
stomach spread open. The shade moved towords the only
light presented in my cell exstinguishing the wick.the
smoke in the moonlight remindes me of the fire inside
burning all the feelings dead.With a knife in hand i
jut it into my chest slicing my heart in two. the
calluses covered with black tar.So black so tired of
the up hill fight between right and wrong. “what good
is a heart pumping hate and rage in to my veins.!?”A
tear appered for the first time in my dust filled
eyes.”im tried of the same dam paint on the walls of
my life!im tired of this fucked up hell!were is a
life?”i screem on the top of my lungs.Then quietlyi
creep back in to the shadows were my life is suposted
to rest. Here in the darkness…

the teenage mind is an uncharted thing,
the secrets we share,
the people who betray our trusts,

We were out on a monday night, and a friend of mine has trusted her sister until that night.

sneeking out,
enjoying ourselves alittle too much,
not a worry in the world.

The next day we thaught we were good nothing was wrong, nothing at all.

Shattering memories,
forgeting how to trust,
having a breakdown,
people you trust sit there and lie.

Trust is what you do when you share secrets that are forever our own, i thaught we would be fine however trust is a dangerous thing, the pain will never end it will prevail as usual never forgotton only covered by new dreams and thaughts.

forgiveness,
is this true or only another supernatural lie told by every one.

you will never be the same,
be untaimed, be wreckless, be completely untaimed.

believe in reality, you will get burned,
believe in trust, you will be betrayed….

How come everyone seems to know what the hell is going on but don’t?

How come everyone thinks they know what one went thru when they don’t?

How come the children seem to get the pain before others do?

How come everyone moves around like shit hasn’t happened yet?

How come we all are here and why is it that we must do this for and be on this hated world intill we alll FUCKEN DIE?

When billowing, quicksilver clouds
Dissipate in a dream
And the mind awakes to enact its sleepy life
As if shown on a screen
I wonder, are you but a memory
To remind me of today
Or does your vitreous probe
Divulge a world so desolate, far flung, far away

Or is it a sign
A terrible portent of dark things to come
A bleak mirror image you present
Of a world no less dark
And here robbed of its sun

Mirror man, my suffering soul of glass
Isolated in limbo, with frozen eyes
Transfixed, you watch this world pass

Your crystal corpus it cries so hard
As it tries to absorb the light
A brittle body of glass that breaks
And melting, bleeds away into the night

Peer deep and darkly into the depths of my soul
This splintered glass cage
Where once was a hole
Filled now with debris
Here amid my dire detritus of despair
A see-through man screams soundlessly
Invisible the trap
And transparent his lair

Mirror man, what is it you see
When I look into you
And you look into me
You framed me and forged
This duplicate we own
Then split me in two
Making me feel so alone

The trailing scars that savagely mar your face
Your life in a rut
Flung far into space
Where cruel skies do crack
And the lightning birds wander
To mend the skies not
But rip them asunder

In the guilt-framed mirror
Your reflection but once does waver
No trace of a conscience
No son and no saviour

Hyaline habitus, frosted not free
Wide is the expanse, the glassy sheen of the sea
In this I see you
And in that you see me
Still the locks of your body are stopped
Defying my penetration
The turn of the key

Oh, mirror man, don’t murder me
Far have I travelled
Beyond the dark fringe of the sea
I am like you
And you are like me
I am but your reflection in my mirror
Multiplied by you endlessly

So, where the darkness holds sway
And the shadows grow tall
A single shaft of light is enough
And with arms outstretched
I’m nailed to the wall

Upon all this you gaze now unwaveringly
Refracted by my face
In this prismatic continuum
Like open mirror glass windows all around
And here your clear-cut reflection lies still
And stationary, defies the beating of my heart
Imprisoned, arrested in every sound

Mirror man, though for safety I flee
Your unfathomable diamond eyes
Behind me still see
So, when I turn out the light
And retire swiftly to bed
Even with eyes closed
The shattered memory of you
Prickles unnervingly here in my head

And when I rise in the morning
To wipe the brittle shards from my eyes
My bloody tears flow
And standing naked
Vis a vis, we are again stripped of our disguise
For eternally aware of us
You must remember
A mirror tells no lies

THis is a poem i hop to be posted under darkness poems!

That quaint shallow grave,
Giftwrapped in withered flowers, decades dead,
Who are these strange mourners with bloodied hands?
Each glaring eye like a clouded shining moon.

That quaint shallow grave,
Carnally smeared with intense desperate reaches for love,
Or how “love” is interpreted by those hybrid gentlemen,
Each moistened smile gleaming with black red rage.

That rain ruined head stone reads a tragic little tale
Above that quaint shallow grave,
That man melted epitaph speaks of lost spoken love,
A story simply ended with a quaint shallow wave.

i cant feel the knife cut deeper each time it cuts
i cant feel the blood spill from my veins
i dont want to liv this way any more
all the shit that u say to me cuts deeper than any knife will ever cut
sumtimes i wish that i would go deaf so that i ccant hear your words of pain
then maybe i will i will be able to feel
i swallow the pill
my life begins to hasen and my heart egins to stop and i am gone
i didnt feel a thing for my whole life
maybe ill feel sumthing in death

I don’t know why I am still alive. I don’t know why I am still here. I don’t want to live. Not anymore there is no point for me to be here. Michel left me. he knows I like him. He looked a little disappointed that I wasn’t out there, I don’t know why. I’m useless, well at lest Camron will talk to me. Yet he doesn’t seem to care, I don’t think anyone wants me happy anymore. I want to just die and be done with it all. Death is the only way out. Thomas is good to me. Joey is my best friend; I don’t want to lose Joey. I hate the word good bye. Why am I not use to it? I hear it all the time, once a day or more. Shitty life. FUCK THE DAMN WORLD. To know you are slowly losing it all. Can’t go outside with out scaring someone. The thoughts are all a blur now, most about death. Wanting my mother to die more then anything else. Best friend living thousands of miles away, wile the one that I like is kissing another. All my friends leaving one at a time, I’m sorry I am depressed but… I can’t hold on. There is no will to live so how can I? I don’t want to live; I don’t need to live. I just want to die.

You are the one I’ve chosen I’m drawn to you in the dead of the night, when the moon is just right. I come to you, you are the only one who can comfort me and the only one who fulfills my very soul. Your ice blue eyes has melted my cold heart. I cant hide my secrets from you, you can see right through me. I’m only myself with you and that’s ok because you love me for who I am as I do you. Everything about you makes me lust for you and long for your taste. As I run ny fingers through your hair I catch a glimpse of thoes eyes that intraps me I’m stuck there as I run my fingers down your face and across your lips. I begin to kiss you the mood intensifies the kissing gets harder, faster, I grip your hair and yank your head back and start to lick and suck on your neck. I can no longer control myself nor hide my last secret as my eyes turn palest blue and my fangs are extracted. I bite down on your neck and pierce your flesh and begin to suck. Your heart pumps the blood from the holes in your neck into my mouth. My body begins to absorb yourt soul as yours is weakend from the blood loss. I stop at that moment where you are somewhere between life and dealth. I step back and watch as your body begins to die. I whisper softly in your ear ” I’ts only your mortal dealth, as for I have given you my haunting gift.” I grab you and hold you tightly in my arms, comforting you as the transformation is taken place. I feel you become limp and grow cold in my arms as all life has left your body, but i’ts only for a few moments. You are quickly revived and awakend to your rebirth amongs the immortals to share this life with me. As you open your new eyes the room around you becomes clearer and you can see me, I’m still there with you as I alway’s will be now, for now we are connected forever and are finally in control of our lives. Never to worry about people words hurting us,anyone ever separting us, or our love ever being lost. We can now be together for all eternity finding life in our own dealth, because now you have become my dark angel.

You are the one

I sit here in the past- remembering how things were so unclear-the way you looked when you closed your eyes-trying to fight back the tears-I never wanted to leave you-and now you seem so far away-I feel so fucking broken- I’ve lost the meaning to everything I’ve wanted to say- so don’t take this pain from me- I want to shove it deep in side-ill keep it hidden deep within me- with my scars I hide-my heart was ripped out- and I watched as it bled to death- you could of tried to save me- but you let me die instead- cause I’m left here with nothing-nothing but you- I try to hide it- but it always bleeds through-take a deep breath and it all goes away-I try to forget it but it never turns out that way- so its been so long since I’ve seen your face- I miss that look in your eyes-I miss the way you taste- put your hands on me-wipe away my tears- its easier said then done-to erase all my fears-I still feel fucking broken and battered-I’m so fucking sick of feeling used-but I still love you- but I wish it wasn’t true-

You cut into me-and watch me bleed-you feel me shiver-your eyes so cold-your hands caress my skin-my veins on fire- pain and pleasure- I watch as you strip me down-expose my sin-you took away-you had what I wanted-I lost it in your smile-you crippled me-withering away-in a room-where no one can go-I sold my soul-
You gave it to him-but he will never know< walls lined with me-a bed filled with pain-your fragile play thing-these wounds ache for you to open them again>you move-I feel you breath-tonight-I feel this slip away-tonight I feel this die-I bury my face in your hands-stained in my blood-look at what we’ve done-to each other-we break shatter and fade-in this room my body lies-in this room I died< walls lined with me-a bed filled with pain-your fragile play thing-these wounds ache for you to open them again>

I think about you in the darkness- sitting there again in your chair- pissing the night away- trying to numb the pain in your life- through your darken veins- your only escape- to make the world fade- and you don’t even care-that it could be the means to your end-your soul shredded- and your heart is drowning in the sorrow that you hold on to- you used to be so full of life- but now you would sell your soul just to get high-just to get by-the black and blues - you’ll never get used to- make you wish you weren’t alive-the salty taste- of the tears on your face- makes your mouth dry-he hits you again- and rapes you- he brings you down- and you know only one way-to get yourself back up-in a time long ago- you where so beautiful- but now your snow white arms turned black-I watch your writs bleed- your body need- you used to stand tall- it hurts me now to watch you waste to watch you fall

Your lie-replaced you’re life-your mind- so traumatized-glass heart broken and shattered-splintering in your soul-it bled –in your bed-I tied the knot-cut off the circulation-artery sliced and their you died-in my arms-my hands were tiedface of blue and white-your beauty stayed-I held you as you turned cold-I felt my heart break-internal suffocation-self-inflected mutilation-tonight’s the night< whisper me a secret-ill never let it known-“I was never in love”-tell me something I don’t already know>a maggot into a butterfly-a worm into a man-its like I never had a clue-hatred turned insight out-pain in my soul imbued-I look at the lie-your finally truth the reason you finally died- so deep down inside-that night< whisper me a secret-ill never let it known-“I was never in love”-tell me something I don’t already know>

Im not the same anymore, im dying inside.
Wanting the pain to end, but from happiness i hide.
Maybe I should forget the past, it might be hard to do.
All this pain and regret, it pops up so fast.
All my life, ive never hurt this bad before, its like my heart is breaking over and again, I cant take that anymore.
I wish i could say im sorry, for all the things ive done wrong.
And “I Love You” to the ones, who’ve cared for me so long.
,thank you to the friends, who’ve stood by my side, and for most, to stop wishing i didnt have to hide.

To cry a river,
Fill it with yourself
Fill it with your soul
Fill it with your sorrow
I have filled a sea, an ocean, a planet with my tears
I have myself in the hands of the devil
The devil plays, toys, destroys what no one desires
I cried the little corner of my room into an island
I filled the river
Filled it with my broken heart
Filled it with my tormented mind
Filled it with my blood
It’s all around me
And I drown myself in its hold on me

Daughter:
She opens the door to find the child
huddled in the corner curled in a ball
this child is bleeding her heart is torn
her soul worn from the battles and scorn
The childs tears mix with her mothers
their pain is dealt by others
she cries out loud now her pain is too much
no one cares about her issues and such
her mother tries to comfort and hold her at bay
but this pain it grips and it stays
it is not ready to let this tortured soul free
so it tears deeper and blinds her to see
her mother sits and cries and continues to try
to help her daughter see through the lies
but her daughter is riddled with pain
and her arms red with this external stain
the suits walk in now a moment to late
her daughter now stands at heavens gate
This pain was just to much to bare
so her daughter cut with so much care
the veines that feed her weak little shell
her only fear now is she will rot in hell
The casket is shut now and tears they are shed
down heavens path this poor soul is led
a life lived in pain
a death by red stain
and finally she is at rest
and can let it all off her chest

Empty bed:
A soul thats tortured
wanders through the night through hellish dreams
to awaken to a large bed with one half empty
a spot left open that was once filled
his eyes fill with tears and he begins to shake
pushes away his feelings he stands up
with shaking hands he slowly dressed
clothing pulled from a pile on the floor
slumps down the hallway and opens the fridge
nothing but rotten food and take out
grabs the milk thats long gone sour
takes a sip and spits it back out
wanders to the table and sits down to read
looks accros the table at the empty spot
staring he can almost make out her outline
her pleasant smile and waving curls glimmer in the morning sun
all that once was can never be again and the vision fades away
his heart akes and his tears fall
this time there is no stopping
He fades to tears for a while untill they run dry
her voice still fresh in his mind he just melts
gathers his things and his hat and looks at the book
the book got him nowhere,
the book didnt save her
it stays home today
he wobbles out to the car and out the driveway
pulls into the dirt road and stops his car
a green field full of stones
he wanders through it untill he finds that special marker
the marker of his beloved
dirt still fresh from being moved
he drops to his knees pooring out tears
what once was dirt now turns to mud
he falls apart and cries out her name
Why her why her
take me instead, take me too
he is left alone now his tears wash her away
She is gone
buried deep and stolen from him
a lifetime of love lost in time
what once was beautiful now is gone
her hear has stopped a few days ago
but his still beats and aches in his chest
what once was love now is anguish.

A flash of light:
A flash of light and a puff of smoke as he takes this cancer in
and takes another sip from his glass of gin
Still he feels the irritation from earlier that night
his ragged shirt is staind red from this blight
he tries to wash it all away, this child of pain
these are just week attempts all in vain
nothing takes away that feeling inside
like two semi’s about to collide
this pain has yet to reach its peak
his future is starting to look bleak
he pulls himself away from everything he knows
from all of it he has to many scars to show
so he pulls himself away
for his sins he is going to have to pay
he wont drag anyone else down, its not their fault
his feelings locked away in a cold steele vault
This boy, a child of blight, will crumble down
all of this pain, his thorny crown
buried in his own shame
with only himeslf to blame
he will pay for his sins, with every living breath
because for him freedom would come from death

Life could be
A great mystery
to me
only if i haden’t
played all of its foolish games

The ones that I
have played
are not those
where no one gets hurt
but the kind where everyone
ends up hurt
in one way or another….

Even I, the one who
is supposedly
controling this twisted game
End up
With a deep wound
that will never fade away

As a dull blade runs down your flesh
I’ll laugh at your tears, now running fresh.
And I’ll tell you to remember
A few weeks back
When you broke my heart
Incentive to break your neck.
I’ll kill you twice
Maybe three times at best.
I’ll put all my pain and sorrow to rest.
Your blood on my hands
Your writings on my mind.
What would be worse?
Taking your life or mine?
And as it slips
This blade I mean
You’ll realize all wasn’t as it seemed.
I’m not a sweet, little, innocent girl
I’ll smile as I see you die.
If I could take back time,
See 11:33 a.m.
Again
I’d change every little thing
And not have even give you a passing glance
Perhaps your life would then have a second chance.
~Kat~ <0.0>

I’m hovering between dead skies and bloody nights
Haunted by the remembrance of your lies
A caring, comforting kind of love.
I swear I hate you to the skies above
I feel so dead, cheated and used
I cared so much and lies consumed.
You never ended up
All that which I expected you to be.
Expectation too high
Too willing, too quick.
Misleading writings
Words interpreted different.
I look back and notice
All of the signs you sent.
Didn’t want to notice them
Consumed with regret.
Too many tears shed
For too little time spent
Passionate though it was.
Now all is dead.
And I suffer inside
My broken, wounded mind.
Crying my heart
Out every night.
I sit and I speak,
Content in my voice.
Soon you’ll notice you made the wrong choice…
~~~> There is a Part 2 in the Making<~~~

standing in the middle of the room looking around wondering what would happen if i wasnt here anymore..wondering if i just fell dead right here..if anyone would care..walk down stairs..take one last look at my parents..take a walk..getitng one last look at everything around..walking back home up to my room..taking one last look at what i called happiness for so long..taking one last look at reality…slice my wrist..taking my one last breath..taking my one last fall..

standing here at 15
seeing all i have seen
hating everyone of you
hoping it will end soon
i look up
grab a knife
place it to my wrist and say to myself..”the end isnt far”
slide it across my wrist, feeling the rush,
watching the blood drip
feeling weak and tired
finaly fall to the ground
take my last breath and say goodbye
the end isnt far..

I suppose this would belong under gothic but I’m not sure.
My whole life I have been misunderstood by everyone, family, society, and pretty much anyone I have come in contact with.
There are obviously a few exceptions, but for the most part I’ve always been rejected and taunted. Everyone around me comlpains about me having long hair, wearing dark clothes, and not being “happy”. But those are the things that make me comfortable, and feel like a “normal” person. As a result of all the destructive critisism and rejection, I started “cutting” (although I use other forms of pain as well) when I was about 11 years old. People told me “I was sick and needed help”, so I saw a counseler for a while and that just made me feel worse about who I am. Now I’m 17 years old and would rather have locked myself in a cold dark place then went through the torture of spending Chistmas with my family. The constant complaints about everything I did or said caused me to slip into a senseless, violent, ranting depression. If I could simply balance the positives and negatives in my life i think it would be so much simpler and I could finally be happy, with myself if nothing else. Anyone have any suggestions on how to do this I would really appreciate your input.