Entries from February 2004 ↓

My addiction is a hunger,
again and again I feed it,
I no longer want it I need it.
I pretent like I’m in control,
though I know it has taken over,
all alone, I have lost a lot.
I have no one, I am deeply distraught.
This deep hole that I am in,
is going to be so hard to get out of.
I need some help, I need some love.
I need the strength from him, up above.
But most of all i need me,
I need to help myself set myself free.

you make me hide
scared to do what i wanna do
worried that its coming Continue reading →

An inward surge of unexplainable hot pain burst through her chest and a tight tearing grip clasped strong and with out mercy, it suddenly pulled hard on the hold that it had on the depths of her soul, blue fire bolts raced through her body at a speed unknown to man. A second surge from inside broke out in an explosion that burst all at once splitting the skin from within. The bolts came stronger burning to unimaginable degrees, piercing through the skin and shooting out with a force through any end. The top of her head and out through her ears even her knees that was bent, the end of her hands her fingers and toes, the pain was excruciating and sent a wave of enormous fear, bounding to a height that would stop a heart. She could hear herself screaming, an unnatural urgent signal. It stopped all at once and she could feel no pain, just a hollow of her self she was floating, and tired. Her eyes were closed and she could do nothing to open them, not a muscle would work, then her immense fear took hold and she lost the sanity of life and blackness took her thoughts.

you sit below her window hoping shell look out hoping shell her the pelting rocks you sit there and sit there
if only you knew
if only youd heard the screams of her mother if only…
shes laying on the floor. bleeding…
the broken shards of the blood stained glass lay inches away
if only you knew you could of saved her if only if only it wasnt me laying there if only if only it wasnt you below my window

ive been here all along
ive wanted to hear you voice since time began
your every word consumes me
controls me
all i wanted was to hear
the the lies you would tell
the lies that make me whole
make me feel everything i need
but you stopped lying
stoped making me be
you only look and see and say the truth
and now it hurts
it hurts to know ive been feeling something real
when i cant even feel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i love you
i hate you
go away
please stay
every time i think i think of you
i hate how i love you
time passes
this lie i live
sickens me
drives me crazy
all this time
youve been lying
and if only u said the words i was dying to hear
then maybe
maybe i wouldnt hate you
maybe i wouldnt hate the way i love you
the way i feel complete in me
the ever pressing questions
of my blackened heart
of the lies i weaved
untangled told true i wish i wish i didnt love you

“““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““

i want to be your everything
can i change?
will u love me then?
i want to be your everything
i love to hear your voice
to see u smile
i want to be your everything
all this time
i tried to be
everything u wanted me to be
but ive been everything but me
ive lied awake thinking of you
and only then do i realize
your not laying awake thinking of me
i will never be your everything….

plz leave comments…

“Remember Me When Im Gone”

Im dying inside
drifitng apart
fading to this blacken bliss
all i want is to say
the things inside of me that will always stay
they’ll be here waiting for your beckoning call
waiting to hear your voice
Can you save me? so ill say it to you forever..
Do u love me? so ill be here forever
before i go
before i leave
before i never return to breathe
I want to tell my secrets..my ever lasting truthful lies of deciete in me
i want to say the words that never should be spoken
to sing the many songs of sorrow
everything ill be
ill be for you
and everything i say
i say for you
everything i sing i sing for you
ill sing for you and only you
and when i drift away
when i fade to the blackened bliss of my soul
ill remember you
and only you

Such a cool awaited silence
To sleep down at the river
It drowns all thoughts that go astray
As it quickly takes us under
We always go so softly into sleep
When we lay down at the river
Dreams of this fall upon our unresting eyes
Peaceful nonetheless
It cools our soul’s that were once lit with fire
With only moments in this place
For every wave that it does give
Is the fuel that takes us to dream

crimson flowing, glowing in my eyes
death is knowing. fading in my demise
razors cut me and knives hold me in their steel grip
your kiss estasy but all a lie to me
invoking feelings that make me free
but then you steal my life from me Continue reading →

The greatest sacrifice I had to make
It’s burning me up from inside
The hardest of choices I ever had to take
My soul got crushed,and thus,it died

With it’s last breath,my soul screamed for you
But you pretended you weren’t there
You smashed it under your feet,and you know that’s true
But do you even care?

In darkness you made me live
Nothing I wanted was ever free
All I’ve done for you is give
You enjoyed that tought,and took all from me

And as you watched me descend into my madness
My past mistake flashes before my eyes
You’ve made me an easy prey for the darkness
I can only hear myself,and all I hear are cries

You crushed every bit of humanity in my head
You laugh as you watch me become insane
For you there’s no difference if I’m dead
My body’s alive,but it has no more soul to contain

And as my soul drifts away
I’m regretting why I had to let it go
I won’t be here to see the next day
As I’ll be lying six feet below

its seems every day i find myself walking the halls of my school and i hear “i love you” or “hold me” and it makes me sick to my stomach. Continue reading →

Your kiss i cannot taste
You remain lost between the and space
The memory of us is haunting
Your sent is left lingering
Through my mind i find no serenity
Without you i have no one to love me
Searching for an answer, anything
As i wonder why this has to be
Afraid to look within myself
To find some courage, a way out
A failure to continue life alone
No will to finish, i mourn
I welcome my end
But everyday my life began
To weak to fight this war
These feelings i can’t take much more
Many tell me life goes on
How can they all be so wrong

Unable to see through this emptiness
Desperatly stretching the time of lonliness
Kept in a tortured past
Knowing each day was like the last
Needing to escape my self-prison
Somehow the key has been lost or hidden
Fear still tightens by breath
Afraid to take those hollow steps
To a path no longer taken
Forgotten and forsaken
This void reverberates within my soul
And i can’t take it anymore
Tears run on an endless stream
My only wish is to awake from this tragic dream

When cries for innocence
Echos in the minds of the ignorant
And the dead lay upon the ground
How often do you trip and fall
When salvation is corrupted
What is truely justified-
The end or the mean
In a perfect world
Does it matter that a memory
Becomes a picture then fades
Or is it up to the decivers eye
When the vallents fight for good
And evil still bleeds them
Do their demise go in vain
And when war becomes art
Who then do we creit and praise
Though the heart beats
Life drains from the body
Into the chaklesof darkness
Bound to the source where it thrived

through the darkness i shall run
running from my fears
i hear your voice begging me to come home
but my darlin i never will
i will run until the darkness fades away
and in my world of dreaming visions the dark will always stay
here is where i will lay dreaming of you
sweet precious you
oh how i seem to hate you
wishing youd let me die
but your grasp is so
and so i ran away
i ran until the world seemed to fall beneath me
and only my dreams seemed real
i ran until i had visions of your sweet touch
and nothing did i feel
and only when the sun rises in my hell will i return to you my love

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
darling… my precious
my love
you saved me without words
u brought my life together
u left me without words
and now i finally will die
darling..precious..
why did u leave me?
broken and distroyed
crying endlessly
shards of my broken heart
scatter all around me
cutting deeper and deeper with memory
darling..
percious
my love
im dying…
im dying because of you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there is no time to save me
no time to hold my hand and beg me to live
i have chosen to die
and die i will
every night i take apart of me away
i seem to cut so deep the blood sheds me away
and away i will go
but tonight
tonight i will stay
stay here with you
while u beg
and plead and wish i wouldnt do this anymore
my love
my darling
oh i wish i could do as u say
but this disease wont let me go
and so ive dont its wishes but it wants more
i asked u to save me
but u ignored my call
i asked u to hold me and make me alive
but u walked away
so now i ignore u
now i walk away from your so - called love
and i die another day.

“““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““

i cant take this anymore she says as the blood trickles down her body,
it washes away the pain sucked deep inside of her
whispers calling her name beckoning for her to jump
jump into the darkness of the black sea below her
its as black as that suit u ware to her funeral
still tainted with the blood of her the ocean weaves its lies
its calling to her in sweet whispers it wants her it craves her
oh how it needs her
you walk to the coffin still in that black suit
you say your goodbyes but yet u never cry
u are the sea
you are the liar
you only wanted wat u could never have
now ur tainted with her blood
still fresh on your sleeve
your tainted with her screams
full of agony.
yet you never cry as u still weave the lies
yet you never cry as you whisper your sweet treachery
yet u never cry as the blood taints you
you are the black sea

I lay in bed i can hear the rain falling down, hitting the side of my window drop by drop echoing in my head like a never ending song. beautiful it sounds but so ordinary to the eye, but they are so amazing these drops of crystals.like the tears of dark angels crying for the god that doesnt exist. so i sit there waiting. waiting for the phone to ring and hear that familiar voice to say hes coming to get me away from this hell. this place that the root of my pain lives. my one true weakness.

The phone rings twice “hello” i say with my tired bored voice ” hey babe. can you come tonight?” he says
“you kno i never ask..whats tonight anyway?” i said as i got up and threw some clothes out of my closet “a party..the usual..you ready? i can hear u from hear throwing those clothes around” he says with a chuckle. “ahhh am i ever ready?” i say as i look in the mirror examining my face. “well that is hard to say but you always seem to look good” i laugh just thinking about it ” just get your ass over here” i say and hang up the phone.i pick out what im gonna wear when i start to change i hear a knock on the window. ::ahh he always come when i get undressed:: i think to myself. just like i think every word id say to the people who are suppose to be my parents. i feel hands around my bare waist, i turn around ” not now” i said just as he kissed me. ” my parents are home, theyd come up if they heard anything” i explain for the millionth time as i pick up my shirt ” i kno i kno i just like kissing you” he says all sluky so ill kiss him again then ill hear my parents coming up and ill rush to hide him… everythings the same…
its like a faded memory that comes to your mind over and over again until one day it goes away because the person doesnt exist in your life so it can never repeat again.
i left that night depressed. came home about 10 am the next day.
i had slept at my boyfriends apartment that night. did my “parents notice? most likely no my maids and butler most likely did, but they always kept there mouths shut. they hate my parents its quite funny too. you see my ” parentals” think that because our maids are mexican; spanish and there english is sometimes rusty that it mean they are idiots so they talk baby to them , when in reality they can speak more then 3 languages making my parents look even more stupid.
as i walked to my bathroom i smelled like alcohol,alot of alcohol and pot…and sex….lets say it was a vert interesting mix. i turned the focet on. water rushed out hitting the pale white porcelian bottom of the tub, seicing to disapear down the hole that leads to hells waste itself. i set one foot in i can feel the warmth taking over my body just from one touch of its pure peaceful self. so there i lay over laping in ever graceful water.so pure so rich withwarmth unlike the blood that gets pumpedby my cold bitter sweet heart.
sometimes while laying in my huge bath tub , i think about the time i almost died for love. if say it wasnt an interesting story but id be lying. later youll know but today isnt tomarrow yet. when i climbed out i smelled of roses instead of the alcohol, drugs and sex.
i got dressed in my usual black and more black.. no im not a goth.. i just like black. i walk down stairs i see both parents sitting at the table eating their “brunch” as they like to call it talking about how unfair this world is… so as Slyvia Plath said so sweetly ” now silent.hate up to my neck, thick thick. i do not speak” im washed over in hate. bitter.resentless hate. ” oh dear why dont u ever wear anything besides black..like a yellow or blue it looks fabulous with ur golden blonde hair” my” mother” says oh so politely ” thanks ill keep that in mind along with the cheerleading and the josck u wanted me to date..” i say with my smart ass attitude the next day ill just dye my hair
” wheres that “punk” youve been seeing she asks with disgust. ” you mean Daemon?” i say all innocent like hes just a friend HA if they only knew the truth ” yes that hoodlum” she says flipping through he new issue of VOGUE ” oh hes just at his apartment trying to find that bra i left there” i just walk away ” funny Amara really funny” my dad says.. i keep walking im sick of them critizing my boyfriend the one guy who saved me from dying

1 MONTH EARLIER-
my parents are rich there is no denying it we own a ocean front house a real nice big house… and behind are house yards away hidden by trees is a legde make of black black rock…. every say id go there and stand on the legde carving in poems of mine carving in stories lil saying id just sit there and carve. My family life isnt so great sometimes i dont even think my mom or dad would kno if i had gone missing.. so i like most teens where drawn to partying… but most of all i cut myself.. id sit out on the legde with a knife and id cut until the pain seemed to numb from my body. One day i lost it my mom had found a beer bottle and had locked me in my room… saying i was worthless saying she wished she never had me as a child saying i and i alone casues her pain…..and her and my dad left for a ” Party” of their own. so i picked the lock. and i ran to my legde i cut my wrists deep almost deep enough to die.. and i wearing my black dress stood out on the legde with my arms open wide to catch the winds with my hair flowing behind me with my dress in the wind.. i jumped… the next thing i remember is waking up on the beach in daemon’s arms.. as i opened my eyes he said to me ” hey beautiful…” and then he carried me to his car.. saying ” i think ill take u back to my apartment.. seeings how wat i saw you do i dont think u want to go back to that fancy house up there for awhile” and then i blacked out.. after that i woke up in a bed with clean white sheets.. the windows open and the smell of the ocean coming in i saw bandages over where i had cut deep. ” hey your up..you scared me for awhile i wasnt sure how deep those cuts really where..I’m Daemon.. all i kno about you is your last name..Shade right?” he said with such a smoothe deep voice..” yea” i said wearily ” my names Amara …thanks..” i said looking down i felt a tear roll down my cheek ” hey..dont cry.. its no problem if i had known a beautiful girl like you was there i wouldnt ever had let you even think about jumping” he said soothing me holding me like i hadnt been held since a child, i smiled ” thats better now you eat this and get some rest” he said putting a tray accross my lap with soup and a glass of OJ. i didnt even care if my parents where worrying all i wanted to do was stay there forever.. and it seemed like i did a week went by and finaly i decided i should leave ” Daemon?” i said walking out on to his porch. ” yea” he said pulling me into the chair next to him, it was so clam out there.. so peaceful so.. so.. nice..no wonder i wanted to die in it. ” i loved staying here for this week.. i really did but i think i should go. i dont want to intrude on your space” i said looking down at the badages.. they still werent healed well..” no no your not intruding.. i …i really liked having you here. but i think you should go back for a while” he said and then without me even suspecting it .. without me even thinking hed ever do it.. he kissed me .. it felt as if i was floating on air.. as if everything that had happened had gone away …and i was finally happy.. ” id like to see you again ” he finally managed to stammer out ” i mean even after how we met.. i dont care about all that..i like you.. and i want to see you if ull see me?” he said with doubt in his eyes…so i kissed him back ” so thats a yes right?” ” of course ” later that day he dropped me off at my house, as usually my parents where gone. i walked in through the front door the butler looked at my dress and didnt say a word.. ” thanks” i said and he nodded i knew a mediatly that he had told them i was at a friends house for the week and of course … they believed him even knowing that i had hardly any friends even knowing that all my friends where at the camp they usually went to for the summer..foolish parents if only they knew…

Burning, quivering
Staring into the junoesque
Handsome face of oblivion
Noticing the slight curvature
In the features of her smile

As the moonlight radiates over her skin
Showing crevices, indentations
Around that little grin
But it moves closer
Steadily advancing on her guard
Both women amazed at their own actions

Harming no one
Naïve in it’s self
Only a thought running through her head
Randomly and infrequent
She once again reaches
For some sort of comfort

This erotic confrontation
Weighting her down
Dragging her deeper, further
Apathetically turning her head towards salvation
But only to laugh in it’s face
Burying her face into the silken skin
Of her lover’s forearm

Sinking teeth into flesh
Severing it off in chunks
Devouring the trickle of life
Rushing down her arm

Humming the tune of an apocalyptical abandon
Clichéd by her own use
She continues her mode of aggression
Stopping only for a slight rest in sighs
Amazingly the arms wrap around her
Those feminine arms

Warmth radiating
Sending through her body
Little pin pricks of pleasure and pain
Jetting all through her body
As that strange female entrances her
Wrapping her arms around her
Biting her…only to move away

She calls out
Screaming blankly into the night
A trauma never to be forgotten
Lover’s embraces lead to abandon
If only, for a second
She would give her life

In order to see that face…
Once more…
She dreams for it
Longs after it
To see that uniquely beautiful face

Those coloured lips
Upon that colourless face
Simple and yet astonishingly perplexing

Her worst and best nightmare
Wrapped into one touch
Brushing her neck
Breasts, Thighs…
She wants it
She will never have it again

I hate people, they tell me that i couldnt ever do it, and that i wouldnt tell them if i was going too do it. Well… they were wrong…

Finally my time has come. I have waited for this moment for a long time, oh how I have waited for this moment. The moment when i would move on, move away from my suffering and get my stupid life over with… The time is now, now is the time in witch i must end my life, but i cant… i have looked forward too this event for so long, but i just cant do it. I have tryed many times… but it only makes my life evan worse, I am doomed for eternal suffering…

Death is just another step though your exsistance.. some death comes sooner than for others. After death, some go too Heaven, others too Hell. As for me im not so furtunate… I often wonder what is Hell like? Is it as bad as it sounds? well I will soon find out…

My addiction is a hunger,
again and again I feed it.
I no longer want it, I need it. Continue reading →

He starts to kiss my lips. He’s 32, i’m 15. I want it, and he wants it. He pushes me down to his bed. Ive been waiting for this forever. He holds me down, he knows I love pain. He rips off my shirt and my skirt. I’m in my bra and thong, he pulls out a knife, still holding me down, he doesn’t know why he is holding me down, he knows i’ll do everything he wants me to, he drags it across my tummy, blood comes out slowly. It drips down. I moan. He doesn’t bother to take off my thong or bra, he cuts it off. He’s so damn hard, he presses his dick to my pussy with his clothes on. He lets go of my hands and i pull his pants off, and then his boxers. He kisses my lips, putting his tongue in my mouth. He kisses my neck, and then sucks on my boobs. Biting my nipples, sucking them as hard as he can. He thrusts his dick inside me. Its my first time. It hurts so bad i can’t help but to yell out. He puts his dick so far inside me, thrusting it in me. I want him to keep going. I’ve never cum before, he keeps going, bringing me to my climax. Pushing so far with so much force that i could bruise. We’ve been waiting for this for years. He’s so close to cumming inside me. We don’t use protection, i love him, and he loves me. He comes, and i cum over and over and over, i scream so loudly, but i don’t think he hears it. He falls collaspes on top of me. Before he falls asleep, he whispers i love u in my ear, and tell him i love him, and he falls asleep on top of me….

I am lost
Oblivious to the commotion around me
Emotion swirls inside me
Hidden from the outside world
Anger Sadness Rage Despair Hopelessness
Hate Love Need Pain Suffering Death
The ultimate release
Free from hurt
Free from anguish
Peace
How I long for it
To settle my restless soul
Heal my wounds
Erase my scars
Dry the tears
Wipe the blood away
Unmask my eyes
Show me the Sun
Unleashed
Unbound
Unburdened
Untroubled
Free from eternal pain
Dead

Sitting here
In this sea of loneliness
So tired of running away from love
In need of a place to call my home
But not to be alone
To experience the joys that others have
To spend all the time that god may grant
To fall in love and my spirit dance

Destroy my heart love
Because it is yours for the taking
Beat me with your words my fallen angel
I feel there is no sweeter sound than your voice
Break me with your eyes
So that I may see myself as I begin to pass
Drown me with your silence
So I may hear your heart beating in sync with mine
Cry for me and my wasted life

In my dreams I fly
Because your love gives me wings
And when I think about you
My heart begins to sing
Only flaws I have to give you
Pain, tears, and blood
I don’t know why you have chosen me
No answer is just because
Nothing left to offer
My time to short a thing
Cut me just to feel alive
See what blood will bring
Swimming in this silence
Drowning in my head
If you don’t come and save me
Soon I will be dead

The wind blows
And the leaves turn
A fallen angel cries
The dark night
And her spirit dance
A fallen angel dies

Flowers bloom
While the sinister walk
Sleeping for days
While the weak get caught
Draining my children
And hearing their screams
Walking through darkness
Alone a disease

THIS TASK

Carrying out the order
The stone that I must cast
Kill the one who speaks first
Watch his blood drain fast
Tell them to speak softly
The one who kills is near
He’ll take away our dreams
Our souls he’s sore to steal

This task is dark and evil
It will dam my very soul
Stop there sinful heartbeat
Make there blood run cold

Drinking from my enemies
There power I must take
My blade has been tainted
It feeds upon my hate
Running through the darkness
Killing what may wake
They smile from ear to ear
There soul I’m sore to take

This task is dark and evil
It will dam my very soul
Stop there sinful heartbeat
Make there blood run cold

And when my task is done
Lost my soul will be
The sword that I once lived by
Shall be the end of me

hopes and dreams,a fucked up team
that makes me scream out hatred!
shout out loud,into this crowd
i’m only here for hatred!
take this noise and hear my voice
i feed upon your hatred!
crippled lies and hollow cries,
my life is based on hatred
live this scent’ what i intend,
for good old solemn hatred!
so this is me,the bitch you see,
i live to love your hatred!