Entries from February 2004 ↓

what is a vampire? is it one of those immortal, superstrong, bloodsucking fiends that the story tellers are always writing about? is it someone who takes energy from the people and environment around them? is it someone that murders people and drinks their blood? is it someone who asks for willing people to give them blood to drink? is it just your average person walking along the street that likes to lick the blood off their cuts?
the answer is simple:all of the above, they all exisist in one form or another whether you notice or not. there are people that commit murder and drink their victims’ blood, there are people that use energy flow and that take said energy from the people around them, there are people that ask for a doner to drink blood from, and i have yet to meet someone who doesn’t lick their cuts. even the immortal fiend vampires exsist, now don’t immediatly put me down as someone in need of mental help, just use you common sense; the immortal steriotype exsists in books and films and peoples imaginations, else how could we think about them.
this is the way i look at it and i would be delighted if people would enlighten me as to their opinions on the subject and if they thought of themselves as vampires why they do and how they ‘feed’ as it were.

poetic or darkness.

I got the message that you so kindly sent
I may be a fool but I can take a fuckin’ hint
You might as well have said “Drop dead, get bent.”
So don’t play dumb by sayin’ “That ain’t what I meant.”
I’ve felt like shit since this turn of events
I’ve punched the walls so much that they got dents
And neither one of us is lookin’ to repent

Do you think that I don’t read between the lines?
Do you think that I’m gonna pretend that we’re fine?
Do you think that you could give back this heart of mine?
Cuz you’re my reason for writin’ this rhyme…
Cuz this is all right in time for Valentine’s…DAY!!!

I’m your little stray dog, the perfect male whore
Despite the grief you give me I come back for more
To think that it was you who made my heart soar
But to Wonderful Little You, I’m such a fuckin’ bore
Then why the hell are you fuckin’ with my life for?
Playin’ hard to get is a game I’ve grown to abhor
This shit should’ve ended when you shut the door

Do you think that I don’t read between the lines?
Do you think that I’m gonna pretend that we’re fine?
Do you think that you could give back this heart of mine?
Cuz you’re my reason for writin’ this rhyme…
Cuz this is all right in time for Valentine’s…DAY!!!

YOU’RE NOT MY FRIEND
AND IF THIS CAN’T MEND
PLEASE JUST LET IT END
YOU’RE NOT MY FRIEND
AND IF THIS CAN’T MEND
PLEASE JUST LET IT END

Do you think that I don’t read between the lines?
Do you think that I’m gonna pretend that we’re fine?
Do you think that you could give back this heart of mine?
Cuz you’re my reason for writin’ this rhyme…
Cuz this is all right in time for Valentine’s…DAY!!!

friday 2/13/04. trippin clippin/black attack/goat’s quotes/jbc

She was a virgin…a pure soul…until he came along….

Her name is Merry. She was 15 at the time…she never had a b/f nor she ever kissed or even gotten close to a boy…little inexperienced girl living in a big cruel world filled up w/ ppl who wnat only your death…But still, how innocent she wouldn’t look, no one ever knew what was goin on in that cute little head of hers…until now…
It was summer. Merry was a tall girl w/ nice body, long sandy-blond hair, with cute bangs hangin over her beautiful baby-blue eyes. A lot of guys were after her…but at the same time a lot of people made fun of her and used her because she was so nice. She, practically, would never say “no” to anyone. Merry was very open minded and she trusted her friends, which talked ’bout her behind her back, but she was too blind to see that at the time…she trusted her friends and they betraded her…she was so naive. She knew there was something missing in her personality…something that was really deep inside of her, but she couldn’t find a way to let it out…until one day she met him. His name was Angel, but he did not seem like was…he most likely was an angel of darkness as she found out later. He was goth mexican w/ a nice body…he was really nice when she met him…but there was somethin bout him, something strange…she could see it in his eyes and she liked it. She finally met someone different from others, he was the way she always wanted to be…free minded. He never let anyone put him down to the ground, he always knew his place in the world, he was strong-minded…and thats the way she always wanted to be. They went out and in a month she fell in love w/ him…
He gave her her first kiss, first love…and in a while, he finally took away her purity and virginity. For about 4 months he was getting to her little head through biting, ditching her, lying to her, and fucking her. With every bite he made on her neck, he took a piece of her purity away, and every time he liedto her, he filled up the missing piece of her with hate. He was a vampire who was takin away her life and givin her a new one. He helped her to let out that something that was deep inside of her for so long, which was hate and anger.And just now she’s understandin that everything he did was his plan, every thing he did to her was just a little step to completing his plan. She was supposed to be his creation, his child and a lover. So the last, finishing step was dumping her…he lied, he cheated, and dumped…a perfect way to creat the new Merry…it was genius…but even then that wasn’t the end…he kept on fucking her and lying to her, but not for long…she finally said “no” to him…He fed her w/ anger and hate till she was full…
The new Merry was now a person, she wasn’t afraid anymore…she wasn’t afraid to show her darkness that was inside her for so long. Her mind now was free…She could finally let all the gothica out and take over…Angel opened her eyes and showed her the world the way it really was, the world only goths could see…the real world…he also showed her how to survive in it…
And now when she actually realized what he has done for her, she’s thanking him for that…and can you believe, the only thing she had to pay for that was just her SOUL!…just a soul?…
“I am your child and i am your lover…i belong to you…b/c you have my soul. Don’t leave me here alone..take my under your wing and take me away with you, my Dark Angel”….

I see you. I want you. I need you.
I have been watching you from the corner of my eye. You have become the obbessesion of my life. I have been observing your every move. I taste you. I can taste your blood in my mouth. I can feel your sweat on your lips. I know when you feel something is wrong. I’m the one who makes it wrong. Come with me my love, for I want you

@->–

i hate people who think that gothica is only bout clothes…some of those people just like the way goths dress so they start dressing in all black and they become posers…gothica is not all bout the outside…its bout the inside…some ppl can dress normal or even prep and still be goth..some ppl dress in all black just bc they like the color…gothica is bout darkness…it used to an obsession with death, killing and torturing…and it still is…but not everybody likes the same stuff. some ppl think they’re seposed to like hurtin themselves to be goth, but that’s not true…its true that most of goths do that…every goth has their own definition of being goth but most of us think its all bout pain and how much we can take it…some goths are satanists, but some of them arent…and not all of them…they can be athiests,christian, or EVEN catholic…
goth is usually who u are…do not try to be someone ur not…especially for some1 u like…b/c you will just become a poser..and no one likes them…try to be urself and dont label urself…unless u actually know wut gothica is really about…

In my land of broken thoughts I write your name upon the walls.
My pen of blood traces each letter as it dies away.
I stare through a window of shattered glass to the rain of tears.
In this land of crushed dreams your name will lay upon the walls.
My pen of blood has wasted and each letter stained.
The shattered glass cuts my soul as I reach to the rain.
This is the land of pain.

when i go to school i am bagged for beliving in Lucifer and then bagged coz i can dress up fully like a true Gothic dose that make me a gothic to belive in him that all i need to be one isnt???? if not then why the shadow blocking me for seeing this is this becouse lucifer thinks i am bullshiting or is that god thinks i am traitour for beliving in this or is it that shadow of me blocking it i dont really understand it why cant i why is it stopping me……..

The rain slid down lost tendrils of glossy, black hair. It outpoured from the heavens like tears of rage. Tears made by Hell and caused by heartache. Alex saw her curvacious sillohette rocking behind the bedroom curtains’ skim. Continue reading →

i know who i am, i know what i am, and im still not satisfied. I find myself lonely. I recently moved to a new city, and have attempted to make friends with some people, but i am rejected, maybe because my style isnt dark enough for them. So i only have one question…to be non-conformist, why do i have to dress like all the other non-conformists? for supposed liberal minds, some people can be very selective in their friends, and its discouraging….

Fallen angel

The wind blows
And the leaves urn
A fallen angel cries
The dark night
And her spirit dance
A fallen angel cries

Disease
Flowers bloom
While the sinister walk
Sleeping for days
While the weak get caught
Draining my children
And hearing their screams
Walking through darkness
Alone a disease

My hearts been sent to wandering

My hearts been sent to wandering
and it does so by your hand
for with it you have banished me
my souls unwoven band
to watch from such a distance child
the vastness of the seas
shall be the hidden barrier
to every one save me
beyond this field of shattered dreams
so still I see u there
the wind carries my sorrows hence
turn you face and ravens hair
my love you will not heed me
my broken mournful cries
my hearts been sent to wandering
but you will forever have my eyes

It should end with a meaning or a bang. Most kill them self’s and leave people wondering why? or mistake it for a accident. Mine will be different, I though about it many times, i thought about killing my self here and now just to get it over with. I couldnt get my self too do it… but now i see what i must do, i must bring all whom i hate down with me..

I pray daily….with a gun to my head

pull the trigger and i’ll be dead

a cold hard world we have all made

pull the trigger and it will all fade

I move the gun from head to chin

pull the trigger and my blood will run thin

my family loves me, my friends like me

pull the trigger and i’ll be free

I strugle for years for day to night

pull the trigger and it will end the fight

I move the gun from chin to heart

pull the trigger and i can part

the past was to hard my futures not there

pull the trigger and i will no longer have to care

What a lovely setting sun

I pulled the triger, now i’m done…..

Without you i am nothing
because you were all i had.

You were the kiss of death uppon my lips
The razor blade across my wrists.

How i wish that things were different
How i wish that you were mine.
Here i lay uppon the bed,
slowly rotting over time.

You were the angel of darkness
sent to take me away.
You were the life inside of me
that somehow went astray.

At the funeral of dreams
where my nightmares come true.
I look at what ive done to my self
all because of you.

You have drained the life
from inside of me.
The colour from my skin.
All thats left are memories
of what we once had bin.

Another cut across the wrist
Another scar that wont exist.

Nothing is left now
You have taken all of me.
I have cried all of my tears
and I have gave you all my blood.
I cant give you anymore
theres nothing left for you to take
I slowly drive into my heart this
sharp and pointed stake.

I am going to draw a picture, a picture with a twist.

I’m going to draw it with a razor blade, I’ll draw it on my wrist.

As I draw this picture a fountain will appear, and as this fountain flows, my troubles dissapear.

Well , here i am , watching all my best friends getting happyer and happyer every day…..

But what about me ? I care about my friends a lot , but they keep rising and i keed going down….

I’m tired of seeing other people living they’re greams , i mean i am happy for them , but they keep coming to me and telling me just how incredibley happy they are…and i can even see it on theyre faces , but why come to me ? They see that i am a nostalgic person myself , do they think i need to hear just how happy they are ? do i need to know that they are living theyre dream , and i am NOT ?…..
…….No , i don’t.i don’t want to be reminded of my bad karma.

Every hope i had , every dream i had , never came true , and by the looks of it , they never will either…..
I can’t even concieve how it is to be trully happy , most of my life i’ve been mostley sad or careless , is this my karma ? To just watch as others live theyre dream while i see mine destroyed ? Is this it ? Is this the reason i was born ? If it is so , than my karma is making fun of me …..and i am very pissed off

If you guys ever make it , if you ever get to live your dream , don’t share it with others , you’ll make them more sad than happy , more sad than you know…..maybe i am just jeous…

You think your lifes hell
boy, i got one story to tell
about a girl i used to know
skin was fair and the color of snow
green were the color of those beatiful eyes
the beauty was only matched by the skys
her hair the color of a faded rose
she was my true love from head to toes
this is what i rember of this girl
whos soul matched mine pearl to pearl
our life together was all to sweet
our hearts even shared the same beat
it was perfect, all but one thing
her home life was one hell of a thing
her dad beat her, her mom scold
all this made me oh so cold
she said “don’t worry it will all pass in time”
but then it all fliped over like a spinning dime
It never got better it only got worse
I swear to god i was going to burst
time and time she came cring to me
in those few moments she was free
from all the sorrow and pain
I should of done somthing, but than i was vain
i thoght “its an adult problem waht could we do”
but all her pain was finally coming through
the last thing i rember is a lvley smile and a note
“read this latter, don’t open it now… just don’t”
later that day as i sat ther and cry
I read her note that said she would die
“no more i can’t take it i wish i were free”
No….No, why when you could still be with me
thoughts raced through my head, when some one came by
“whats wrong kid, why do you cry”
i gave her the note with that I fled
to find a knife to make my self dead
but then in that rage came her lovly voice
“please you can’t come to me, this was my choice”
Live on she told me I would find another
how wrong she was, there was no other
that time i weapt was the last tear i shead
knowing now that my true love was dead
on that day my soul was tore
riped apart all of my core
the pearl that was is now so dim
Its like a shadow, way to thin
my missing love is gone from me
why cant the other people see
that with her death, lost me my soul
my feelings are gone, im just a hole
I,ve crossed a line htat you can’t turn back
love, happinedss, pride, these are feelings i lack
I feel no pain, i can’t get close
shes the one i’ll always miss most.

fake fake fake,
i hate you all, i hope you die.
stupid fuckers you make my cry.
i hate you all, your nothing to me.
i hate you all, get the fuck away from me.
you stupid fuckers i hate you all.
drop dead fucker, burn in hell.
my heart dwells with hatdred.
when is it my time to die?
fuck all the rest of you ive been waiting in line.
its my time to die.
i hate this place,these people,these feelings.
you make me feel like nothing.
you feed me lies, i want to choke on them and die.
you feed me shit, i eat it.
you feed me “love”, but you faked it, i know its nothing but a lie.
i hope you know i hate you. i hate you so much!
theirs only one person i hate more, thats me.
why cant i die? just let me die.
i dont want to feel this wany anymore.
i dont want to cry, i just want to die.
god you better kill me first before i get to me.
when i find me alone its going to be brutal.
i hate you!
i hate me!
i hate every fucking one!

its my funural no ones going to be crying at.

………….till death do us apart.

i still love you, you are my everything,your mine.
……….and you said you loved me.

seeking tranquility through the hands of earth declaring myself god with the help of no on buries in insanity, breeding in the writhing roots of infection. fractured and broken, hallucinations remaining. what i cant put into words come out through actions, drawing conclution and stupid solutions to problems of life. i question the agnostic existance of GOD.
…….is their a god?

Sisters are like stars in the sky
You never try to make them cry
When they come to visit or when they leave you
You know there will always be an empty shoe
There’s an everlasting love that will
Never quite die out
Until those back stabing stars
Crash into the each killing
All my Sisters

I’m alone…
In my own darkness
and u see I
can’t get out
of here
i
Scream
No one comes to help me
i
Cry
No one comes wipe my tears
i cut
no one comes to give me a towel
to wipe up the blood
i
die
no one comes to claim my body
when we all die we’re all alone
so i guess
i’ll be alone in this dark nothingness
that devours my soul
no more
I have to find a way out
Can u give me a little help?
Just give me a light to look for
Some reason to live in the
Dark

I have found my self in a parrel between total darkness and light. i have not seek council nor i ever will. soon i will be totaly srounded my darkness… its what drives me to madness

I wonder what impackt i would have on my friends and family if i killed my self? Do they really care about me? people tell me that my life is good and i have alot too live for, lies…
do i really have all that mush too live for? no one see’s it though my eyes and see’s what i see. im not happy at all in life. for the first time ive left all my friends too go be alone.
they follow me and ask why i left, and i say because…
am i the only one who see’s what i see? or am i all alone in this world… when i die im going too hell, mabey i should better my self… ive tryed befor but i just end up in the same place… wondering if i should kill my self…

His name was Jake. He was one of my closest friends or so I thought. It was a cold day in december, snow flakes were just begining to fall. I was outside, working with my brothers’ black stallion, Devil, when my cell phone rang. It was Jake, he had asked me to come over and help him on some homework later that night. Normally I would have refused anyone who would ask me for help on their homework but since he was one of my friends I gladly accepted.

Around 11:30 P.M. that night, I walked the 4 blocks to Jake’s place. I stood on the front porch steps, ready to ring the doorbell, when the door opened with a quick jerk and Jake was pulling me inside. “What’s the big hurry Jake?” I asked looking a little bewildered as Jake, without saying a word, ushered me up to his room. I walked into his room and sat down on his bed. Jake, looking a little worried, closed his door.

“Jake, what the hell is going on?” I asked him. Jake looked at me and just shook his head. All of a sudden, Jake’s dad stormed into the room and started cussing at his son. “What the fuck are you doing inviting this whore over to our house?” his dad yelled at him. Jake replyed “She’s not a whore, she’s my friend. You fucking bastard!!” Jake’s dad raised his fist and began hitting Jake. “Don’t call me a bastard you ungrateful little slut!! Get your ass downstairs, I want to talk to you in private.” Jake sighed and followed his dad downstairs.

I sat on Jake’s bed, wondering what was going on. A few minutes later, Jake walked into the room, blood dripping from a gash in his forehead. Without a word to me, he slammed the door and locked it. “Jake what’s wrong?” I stared at him wondering what was going through his mind. Nothing prepared me for what happened next. Jake grabbed me by my arm and threw me against the wall. “You want to know what’s fucking wrong with me?” he yelled. I placed my hand on my forehead, trying to stop the pounding going on inside my head.

I couldn’t understand what was wrong with Jake, normally he never did anything like this, especially not to one of his friends. I tryed standing up but Jake picked me up and threw me onto his bed. My eyes grew wide as I realized what he was going to do. Jake ripped off my clothes as I kicked and screamed, hitting him in the chest and stomache, but he just laughed and said “You think you can stop me bitch.” He undid his jeans and took out his dick. I spat in his face and tryed kicking him again. This time he hit me in the face and shoved his dick down my throat. I gagged but didn’t suck it. He started moving back and forth, trying to get me to suck. It got on my nerves, so I bit down on it, just hard enough for him to pull back.

Jake yelled and hit me in the face again. He shoved it inside me and started fucking me hard and rough. I closed my eyes and tryed to think of some place other than where I was at right then. He kept on thrusting harder and harder until I felt him tighten up and I felt him cum inside me. He pulled out of me and zipped his jeans back up. “If you tell anyone about this, I’ll kill you.” he whispered in my ear. At that moment I didn’t care, I pushed past him, still naked, and I ran out of his house, tears streaming down my face.

That night my boyfriend, Jason, came over to see me. When I had gotten home, I had stayed in my room, crying my eyes out. Jason noticed my red rimmed eyes and asked me if there was something wrong. I told him that I had been raped by Jake. Jasons’ handsome smile was replaced by a frown. I noticed that his fists were clenched and I knew what he was going to do. I talked him out of it.

Two weeks later, Jake comes over to my place, acting like nothing’s wrong. My parents weren’t home so I decided to invite him in. Thinking of my dads’ shot gun in the bedroom. I told Jake to have a seat in the living room and that I’d be right back. I walked into my parents’ bedroom and grabbed the shot gun. As I turned around to go back into the living room, Jason stood before me, holding a 22 rifle. “Here, it’ll make less of a mess and if the cops find the body they woun’t be able to trace the gun back to you.” I smiled at him and we embraced in a hug. I put on a pair of black gloves and I walked back into the living room where Jake was sitting watching t.v.

I yelled for him to turn around. Jake turned to face me. I smiled and said “This is for what you fucking did to me you fuckin bitch!” Jake smirked and started to walk towards me. Before he could get close enough, I pulled the trigger and watched his body fall limply to the floor……

This world is a big fat lie
It tears me up inside
Not knowing what to do
I want to run to you

But you don’t care anymore
I want to slam the door
Right in your face
You are such a disgrace

To yourself and to me
But you can’t see
What’s inside
Cuz you lied to me
And you tried to flee

Your problems you left behind
And you can’t find
What you are looking for
You think you’re in a war

The way you look at me
It makes me sick
Just thinking about having your child
Makes me want to drink the poisonous vile

Just go away
Leave me alone
Don’t talk to me
Look at me
Or call me on the phone

I hate you so much
Don’t you see
That you are no good to me
I hate you so bad

I WANT YOU DEAD!!!!

Penny for your thoughts?

A.j. Wilcox 2

for dad

Within the depths of my mind I see their faces,
As I stand in a room of endless darkness and grace,

Ghostly heads floating around me in an ever ending orbit,
Taunting me to the point of throwing a gastric fit,

Bringing to mind memories long forgotten,
Of things I can’t bear to think happen,

Caused by a rage never felt so strong,
Making me do things so hideously wrong,

They tell me they’re on my side,
They tell me to do the things I’ve already tried,

They beseech my end desperately,
For if I go, they stay infinitely,

I am them, and they are me,
We hold the same spot on the family tree,

Yet we are different as well,
They are the demons of my mental hell,

We are one and we are many,
there are my thoughts, now where is my penny?

you speak to me softly,
whilst you look on loftily,
you stare at me through empty eyes,
and deep within i see your lies,

deception is your favorite tool,
and ofcourse, i your favorite fool,
but never again shall i listen,
i care not how your body glistens,

dream girl you may be,
or reality this may be,
but i never said it’s a good thing,
but only dispair do you seem to bring,

you are that of endless dreams,
hated so much i could just scream,
all the damage you’ve done to my heart,
you laugh at my mentality ripped apart,

i hate you, yet i love you,
i wish to kill you or kiss you,
never from my mind will you leave,
thus sanity i shall never receive,

Why’d it have to be this way?
Why’d my life go astray?
Why did it happen?
My life was perfect then . . .

My life started dying,
And he won’t stop lying,
He tells me not to fear,
He said I could stay hear,

He said I won’t be leaving,
So I could finish grieving,
But it was all a lie,
And now I want to die.

Why’d you do it to me?
I will make you sorry.
Why did you send me away?
Why do hate me today?

What is it that you fear?
Why do you cause me tears?
What was your reason?
I was your only son.

people say two wrongs don’t make a right,
if that is true, then why does america support
bush in his campaigns of slaughter in iraq and afghanistan?

people say america is the land of the free and the home of the brave,
if that is so, then why are we arrested for defending ourselves?
if so, then why does america hide behind the barrel of a gun?

people say that there is no safer place to live than america,
if that is true, then why do most americans fear walking the streets at night?
if that is true, why are the world’s most famous killers from america?

people say that clinton was the worst president america ever had,
if so, why only blame clinton for adultery?
if that is so, what about j.f.k. or the affairs of not-so-honest abe?

people say america is always doing the right thing,
if that is so, why did we drop “the bomb” on innocent civilians?
If that is true, why does america refuse to let other countries govern themselves?

people say that september eleventh, 2001, was a travesty,
if so, doesn’t america deserve some credit for 9/11?
if so, what about hiroshima, or nagasaki?

when will people see that america is not perfect?
when will people realize america is just as bad as those it judges?
when america sees that it has it’s faults,
i think it will evolve into what america has been said to be,
a land of justice and peace.

in all things there is DARK,
IN ALL THINGS THERE IS light,
WHICH controls what, WHAT submits to which,
that IS WHAT WE ALL WANT TO KNOW.

If there is a God and a Devil,
Who is to say that god is mightier than the DEVIL?
Who is to say that the devil is greater than GOD?

fOR WITHOUT OUR BELIEF,
nO THOUGHT IS ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT,
iF SO, THEN IN TRUTH, WE ARE THE CREATOR’S CREATOR,
fOR IF NEITHER IS REAL, WHO IS TO SAY THEY ARE?

people say that good always prevails over evil,
if that is true, then why can the evil kill the good?
people say that faith is the only righteous path,
if so, then why is there corruption in the church?

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG,
THAT IS SIMPLE,
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG IS AN OPINION,
FOR WITHIN EVERYTHING IS light AND dark.

A ruthless grin entices me,
Up, over and within.
They’re inviting me to their party
And I’m allowed to stroll right in.

Because around here I am special,
Around here I am known.
My sick and twisted mind and body
Are embossed on everything they own.

There is alcohol in the corner.
Drugs fill several rooms.
Hookers, money and rock and roll
Are empowered by the fumes.

The walls are made of fire,
The doors are all around.
The corridors are never-ending,
The ceiling is on the ground.

For this place is whatever you want it to be,
It’s my purgatory, my heaven, my hell.
I sit and sip on my drug-infested drink,
Being the celebrity girl.

I am surrounded by the zombies,
The skeletons and the dead ones.
The mutants and the boogie men,
The souls of those long gone.

These people are my fan club,
They make my stay worthwhile.
I’ll be spending my eternity here,
In the place that is thought to be vile.

‘Cos I am where the lost souls go,
The ones who destroy their lives.
The ones who have no mercy,
The ones who kill their wives.

I am happy here,
It is where I belong.
I cannot do no right,
I cannot do no wrong

This party will never end,
And we will never go to bed.
We will constantly be dancing,
An we’ll always be off our head.

This will never get tiring,
This will never bore me,
For I am made for this existence,
And this existence was made for me.