the pain of friendship

i have often had many fantasies… all quite perverse.
i would like to tell you my greatest perverse acts but
im simply to paranoid and fear i might be turned into
the police. However i will tell you of my recent
thoughts.

i have often had many fantasies… all quite perverse.
i would like to tell you my greatest perverse acts but
im simply to paranoid and fear i might be turned into
the police. However i will tell you of my recent
thoughts. but first an intro: i was raised in very
harsh conditions under a broken home but even then i
came to be a very kind person(even though i went
through a lot of harsh things) .I was molested as a
child by my babysitter… she was female and nearly
three times my age, i was seven i believe. because of
her actions i approached others in a very violent
manner (using the concept of:hurt them before they
hurt you) for the longest time and i could never find
a soul who did not completely despise me.I turned to
kindness so that i may have some friends… and i was
happy though i had to keep all my secrets to myself
(for fear they might ridicule me). all my friends
thought of me as an odd person and never truly
accepted me, i suppose i was disposable to them so i
jumped right back into my personality of being
violent.I thought i would never have a friend again,
but i did find one and she was so cute, kind, and
friendly… i could not help but be friendly back, but
because of damage incurred earlier in life i acted
differently… and started being violent towards her
and could not help it. I felt horrible for wanting to
hurt her all the time… it got so bad i finally
decided to stop seeing her… because i did not want
to hurt her. She was so sweet and kind to me and all i
was thinking was how i should rape her. I felt so lonely
without her but i could not see her anymore, i feared
i would hurt her. I grew so saddened that i tried to
kill myself. She continued trying to be my friend
despite all i put her through. My thoughts of her grow
more evil as she got closer to me… i would never let
her get close enough for me to do something. She must
have thought i hated her. I was hating my thoughts
more as i thought of fucking her sister too.She was to
good to me… but she never saw me more than just a
friend… i wanted to fuck her so much. Now i have
complete self-control and i hope i can keep it that
way… to keep myself from doing something
harmful.though the thoughts have grown more dark i
cannot type of it anymore. I live in pain so that i
will not harm the ones i love.