Entries from July 2004 ↓

(poetic)
“I believe them bones are me
Some say we’re born into the grave”
Flooring my car, I down another shot of whiskey,
So what if there’s nothing left of me to save?

“I feel so alone, gonna end up a
Big ole pile a them bones”

Smiling at thoughts of my dead memory,
I speed down to deaths sanctuary.
Soon I’ll be flying with the angels on high,
When I become a burning cloud of smoke across the sky.

“Dust rise right on over my time
Empty fossil of the new scene”

Ha! Nothing in my life will change,
So I speed up and sing with Alice In Chains.
“Toll due bad dream come true
I lie dead gone under red sky”

“I feel so alone, gonna end up a
Big ole pile a them…”

“I feel so alone, gonna end up a
Big ole pile a them…”

“I feel so alone, gonna end up a
Big ole pile a them bones”….

~Duke Steel
“Them Bones” ~Alice In Chains

All around I am engulfed by darkness. My light fades away as memories remind me of you, my love for you. As the Evil One returns night after night, consuming me, filling me with hatred and depression, I think of you and I force myself through the pain. My love for you is never ending. The pain I suffer is a sign that I would die for you. Every night I cry myself to sleep, knowing the Dark One will come and steal away my breath once more. I dream of never-ending pain because I’ve lost you. But yet I press on, hoping to find you and hold you to me. Enticing death lays a promise across my mind, swearing unending love, bringing my suffering to a closure. I know this as a lie. But yet it is so irresistible. I strive to hold your loving image inside me. Death will take me if I cannot have you. The agonizing thought of being without your love sears painfully across my heart. Yet the love inside me burns strongly, never fading, growing stronger, as I lay awake, the Evil One straying from my thoughts…

it had been a long day at work. justin had just finished putting the final and last of the condoms in the display case. tonight it was him and jenna closing up the store, and justin always wanted to fuck her hard. jenna was standing next to him looking at the condoms. as he shut the display case, she put her hand on his and said “don’t shut it just yet i want to look at this condom.” justin immediately got a boner. she said”too bad my boyfriend is out of town for the weekend, i really wanted to try this one out.” justin thenh stated” well i know a guy who would help with that.” And with that being said, jenna stepped closer to justin and ran her finger down his chest. ” and who would that be?” she said. without saying a word he grabbed her ass and pulled her closer. she made a sound of pleasure and jstin seized the opportunity to kiss her. it was long and deep. he pulled away and led her to the back room. she stepped into the room and turned around while unbuttoning her shirt, justin realized that jenna wasn’t wearing a bra and got harder.justin took off his pants and boxers in one smooth movement.he kissed her and jeena took off her skirt. they kissed long and hard again, and justin spun her around and bent her over. “take this bitch” he said and soved it in her ass. she delightfully screamed and begged for more. he fucke her hard, going in deeper and deeper with each thrust. she felt him go extremely stiff as he released his load into her ass. he pulled out his cock and she turned around. “More” she said. justin got hard. she threw him to the ground and slowly stuck his cock into her puusy. she moved her hips back and forth, faster and harder. justin reached up and pinched hir tits. she screamed and came non stop all over his cock. she got up and licked all of it off and kissed him on the lips. she lay down next to him, and said” so wanna fuck me again bitch?”………

Who rides across the dusky plain
Tearing along wirh might and main
Like some wild storm-fiend, in his flight
Nursed on the ebony breast of Night?
‘Tis he, who left her in her need–
Her lover, on his milk-white steed !

The blast in all its savage force
Strives to o’erthrow the gallant horse
That snorts defiance to his foe
And struggles onward. See! below
The causeway, ‘long the river-side
A thousand flutt’ring flamelets glide!

Now they approach, and now recede,
Still followed by the panting steed;
He nears the ruined cross! A crash,
A piteous cry, a heavy splash,
And in the rocky river-bed
Rider and horse lie crushed and dead.

Then form those dismal depths arise
Blaspheming yells and strident cries
Re-echoing through the murky air.
And, like a serpent form it’s lair,
Brandishing high a blood-stained glaive
The Vampyre rises from his grave!

from the Roumanian of Vasilia Alecsandri

Though the night is black and cold
Love’s ond story, pften told,
Float’s in whispers thorugh the air.
Stalwart youth and maiden fair
Seal sweet vows of ardent passion
With thier lips, in lover’s fashion.

Restless, pale, a shape I see
Hov’ring nigh; what may it be?
‘Tis a charger; white as snow,
Pacing slowly to and fro
Like a sentry. As he turns
Haughtily the sward he spurns.

“Leave me not, beloved, to-night!
Stay with me till morning’s light!”
Weeping, thus besought the maid;
“Love, my soul is sore afraid!
Brave not the dread Vampyre’s power,
Mightiest at this mystic hour!”

Not a word he spake, but prest
The sobbing maiden to his breast;
Kissed her lips and cheeks and sighs;
Waved his hand, with a gesture gay;]
Mounted–smiled–and rode away.

from the Roumanian of Vasile Alecsandri

i am a sad girl yearning for something more
i wonder when this cruel world will forgive me for my sins
i hear my thoughts turn into insanity
i see nothing but myself being tortured
i want this feeling of dread to leave me
i am a sad girl yearning for something more…

i pretend sometimes that i will someday grow happy
i feel as if i am dead inside
i touch ur face and wish that you could heal me
i worry that this maze of hurt and fear will never end
i cry because i have nothing
i am a sad girl yearning for something more…

i understand that this game i play is life
i say that time will go by and so will the pain
i dream of a world that will accept me
i try so hard to run away
i am a sad girl yearning for something more…

Near the cliff’s edge, on high
Standing out against the sky,
Dost thou see a ruined cross
Weatherstained, o’ergrown be moss,
Gloomy, desolate, forsaken,
By unnumbered tempests shaken?

Not a blade of grass grows nigh it,
Not a peasant lingers by it.
E’en the sombre bird of night
Shuns it in her darksome flight,
Startled by the piteous groan
That arises from the stone.

All around, on starless nights,
Myriad hosts of livid lights
Flicker fretfully, revealing
At its foot a phantom, kneeling
Whilst it jabbers dismal plaints,
Cursing God and all the saints.

Tardy travellers, beware
Of that spectre gibbering there;
Close your eyes, and urge your steed
To the utmost of his speed;—
For beneath that cross, I ween,
Lies a Vmapyre’s corpse obscene!

—–pt 1 from the Roumanian of Vasile Alecsandri

Are humans just a mistake sent to earth to be observed to see if they were able to survive? Or are they just experiments that some alien thought would be cool to create and watch them to see what they would do? if they are mistakes, are aliens really abducting them to see how they have progressed? or are they trying to figure out thier weakness? or maybe they’re trying to decide whether or not they should reveal themselves to them. Take a look at the humans past….they build…improve….and then destroy. why? I ask you why do the humans do that? they build weapons of mass destruction….then say that those weapons are only for “protection”. the only thing that the humans are “protecting” is nothing. the humans try to make the world “a better place” by stopping crime and putting peope in jail. which then causes more crime since certain people believe that they can “beat” the system. you cant beat the system. the only way to that is to build a better stronger system that can overpower the old one. back to what was said. are humans mistakes? or were they placed on earth to be observed,studied, and disected? What the big question is:
ARE HUMANS MISTAKES?

the dawn of darkness has arrived the dark angel’s prophecy has come true its to time for hummanity to burn in the darkest of hells flamethe one we created with our own mysery, our own despair, our own pity, our own desires,our own belifes. The humans shall forever burn for the death and pain we caused each other. we doomed our selves, we created the dark shadow that will engulf us all in its eternal darkness

There used to be two farmers. As we all know farmers live like 20 miles apart even if they are neighbors. So even though the farmers are neighbors they don’t see each other that much.
They HATED each other so much. But there was one thing they had incomin. They loves to hunt. One farmer has a black dog and he walks with his dog to the forest. But the other takes his very tall car.
Well the two farmers decided to go hunting on the same day without knowing it.While they were walking down the rode they happened to see each other. They both started to curse at each other and yell. The Balck dog obvisouly took his owners side and started to bark visously at the other farmer. “, Shut up you mangy mut!” yelled the other farmer” Shut up!” ” My dog will bark when ever he wants to you old hag!” yelled the owner. ” Oh really” said the farmer.
The farmer then reached for his gun and shot the owner. As the dog saw his owner fall to the ground he started to bark even louder and show his sharp teeth!
The farmer said ” He can bark all he wants huh, well i’ll fix that!” The farmer now shot the dog and happily saw it dieing beside it’s owner. With no regret the farmer went hunting anyway.
That night while the farmer was sleeping he heard scratching at the screen door. He opened it and saw nothing. When he went back the same thing happened. ” Faget wind!” said the farmer as he then heard barking.
He decided to ignore it but the barking drew closer and louder like when the dog was barking before he died. When he looked up from his bead he saw nothing but he started to get bit. Then scratched and soon before he new it he was dead.
That morning the police found him dead. But they found no scratch marks or anything. All they found were big,huge puffs of black fur covered over him.

i sit on my own in my small black room, a single rose laying on my lap. i listen to the music pouring out my stereo and think about the world, outside my small room, filled with evil nasty faces of people out to get me, out to torture me, to make life living hell just for people who are different… as i think i shrink away into the corner and hug my knees close to my chest, losing myself in my world of paranoia and lonliness, in a world full of black roses surrounding me, with peircing thorns, waitin to pierce into my skin, into my heart.

You were my “seventh grade crush”. I never dreamed that things would get this intense between us. We spoke for days, and finally decided to meet. I arrive at your house, not ready to commit to anything that I don’t want to do - yet I do. You lead me inside and hold me close, lead me up the stairs to your bed where we lay down and talk. Apparently, you have everything planned - you stand up and light the candles at the foot of your bed, and then lay back down next to me. Just having your arms around me is enough for me; but you want more - you always seem to want more from me. You lay me down on your black sheets, moving ever so gently - removing every item of clothing from each of our bodies until we lay naked, pressing our bodies against each other. I’m petrified; I’ve never actually gone this far with a guy before, yet you continue on. I’m petrified (I’m not ready to have kids) “Trust me”, you say. (I’ll be letting everyone dear around me down if anything does happen to me) “Trust me”, you say. So I trust you and try to let you inside - but you can’t get in. So I leave, we talk again, and I return once more; but this time only to cuddle and talk. But once again, you want more; and once again, I give in and once again, you cannot get inside. You’re upset, but I’m glad. (I wasn’t ready). I have plans and goals, and they do not include “excess baggage”. I wuv you dearie (but I wasn’t ready). You continue to thank me, although I do not know what for. We smile, hug and kiss, and I leave - all the while thinking, “I wasn’t ready - I’m not ready”, and I smile to myself knowing that there is still a chance for me to fulfill my dreams and follow through on everyone of my goals without any worries - because I wasn’t ready.

I sit alone at night waiting, hoping, praying for the strength to press harder and end all the suffer and torment in my mind.
If only he hadn’t taken my innocence
If only I had tried to push him away he wouldn’t have raped my body, my mind, my soul.
Now I sit alone and empty
No-one to love
No-one to listen
No-one to save me
Save me from myself.
My nature is destruction
Destruction of myself and anything good or happy around me I pray for some-one to save me but the only person who can do that is me

Pattern’s repeated through time.
Every morning I wake up
As I lay there I wish I hadn’t
One question bore’s in my thoughts…
How can anyone help me if the only the peace I’ll ever know lies in death?
The death of destroyer or my own.
In a world where death happens all the time it’s always directed at the innocent. A child dies. A child who is innocent. Or a child who was innocent until corrupted by time, circumstance or evil.
The nature of humans is to destroy.
Destroy the world so we can travel. Destroy each other so we can excel. Destroy because we know nothing else. Destroy ourselves so we can finally be free.

Born into shackles and chains of torment and suffering.
Few leave the plain of the living without some shame or deceit pulling us down into the depths of Hell. A Hell we created for ourselves.
We create icons to pass the blame onto.
We created the Devil to blame for the pain, suffering and anger we hold.
We created a God in which to place our hope. Hope for happiness and peace.
The things that are so fragile in life, so complicated to sustain. Yet they are the things that are easy to falsely replicate.

Hope is our main weakness. To place hope in life especially in other people will be the fall of all human kind.
Place hope only in a swift and peaceful death and to be taken to a place where you can be alone, safe and alone to live how you want and to believe what you want.
The destruction of yourself lies only within yourself and what you let into your life.
Solitude is the only sanctuary from the ‘Devils’ work.
After all that has been said why is it I don’t want to be saved?

satanz_kindred

I lay down
I seek away out
I serch for endless days and endless nights
Trying to find the truth but all i find is lies and more lies
Deep down inside i know the only way out
I take my Knife
I wach as my blood flows from the cuts
I drifft away into the darkness of my mind
For in the end we are all equal we all die

I see red
I hear my heart thud
I feel as if i am sliping away from life
My eyes close
Don’t bother to save me
I don’t want to live anymore
Just let me go
My will to live has been broken
My heart stops
I open my eyes
I look down at my body
Don’t bother to bring me back
you never cared before why should you start now

Making everyone know there’s hope-
Just by looking at you-
Your long snout and cold,wet nose-
The way you look at me with your eyes and stare-
I can always find hope in myself because of you-
Your white and black fur is so soft-
Making you look more then who you are-
But I know underneath it all-
You’re the most harmless thing-
The way you sleep by puting your gentle head under my chin-
Words can not really describe the way I feel for -
My dearest Olive.

my dreams have been flooded with the grim reaper. there are some where there many of them. there are some where they’re all in white cloaks. either way i always fight with them and end up killing them. there’s been a couple about myself and my parents talking in another room about me being demonic in my sleep. what do you people think?

It was cold and the night air chilled them as they said their final goodbyes. Zack was going to disappear to Florida with his family the next day, and Trish was going to stay there left in her pethitic misery.

Her breath and lips were cold as she reached up to reach his kiss, their last kiss. “You don’t have to go. Stay here and I will just stay away from you. Don’t go. Stay here so I atleast know I will see you again,” Trish pleaded him to stay.

“I have to go, because I love you. I have to go,” Zack sighed, “As much as I know, you really never say goodbye until death. I know I will see you again.” he explained. He raised his hand and gently stroked her hair, gently and passionatly. They stood there, the wind chilling them, stairing deeply into each others hert eyes. Zack pulled Trish to him, grabbing her into a tight hug. “I will never forget you; I won’t let you go. I promise we will see each other again. I will wait for you and come back. We will be together, but not right now. Right now, I have to go make something of my meaningless life, and you, you have to grow up and become that writter you always wanted to be. Right now we have to say goodbye.” He pulled her even closer as they both wept for their long lost love.

He backed away still holding her but from a short distance. He looked at her as though he was seeing deep into her soul. The last of his tears dropped down his face. He kissed her forhead and then kissed her deeply, passionatly, as if to say goodbye. Zack slowly backed away letting her go but not his gaze. He turned and ran and disappeared leaving Trish all alone, the way she would find herself alot over the years. “Goodbye,” she whispered into the still, cold, dark, night.

~ This is just the prelogue to a novel i am trying to write. If you like it plaese let me know and i will sumit more of it as I get it written. Please let me know what you think about my writing. Sorry about the spelling. ~

You look in the mirror,
Seeing what you’ve feared,

Seeing what you’ve become,
A liar,
A backstabber,
A fake,

The face in the mirror
Laughing at you,

Mocks you,
Eats at your pain,

And you feed it,
Every day,

You fake every thing you are,
And it gets stronger,

Soon you’ll forget who you really are,
Lost in the lies,

The stories you’ve spread,
The people you’ve hurt,

You’ll be the lie,
And soon,

You’ll forget,
The mirror has won your soul,

The mirror is now you,
And you think every thing is fine,

You live this life,
Until you’ll start faking this self,

And you may remember,
The first person,

The one you really are,
But you’ll never be them again,

The mirror has all ready won,
And you’re nothing but a fake.

The past is, Indistruactable,
The future is, unreliable,
The present is, consequensel,

The past,
Haunting me,
Killing me,
Reminding me,
Of past deeds done,
I’d like to stab myself,
50 times,
for every person ive hurt,
for ever soul ive crushed,
for every heart ive broken,

Continue reading →

What ever happened to all the Darkness vets? I was known as Goth Philosipher,Jack The Ripper,and Void In A Hole.If the old crew is out there say something on this thread.
Continue reading →

Humble and held together
By rotting breaking strings
Nothing on the mind
But hate and broken dreams

What once was but a splinter
Has now become a tree
Sticking in the mind
What no one cares to see

I stand alone on a beach
With angry tides and benchful sands
Blood running down my arm
Past the wrist and off the hand

What once was can never be
Of this I am dead sure
Her goddess green eyes,her milk white skins
Her beautiful silkin curves

Never to be,Never to me
I am to fade away
Held together by silence
Buried by mud and clay

Vengance

Accused of a crime he didn’t commit,
thus thrown a fate he couldn’t prevent;
As they close the gate to my cell,
it feels like the vile pits of HELL.
As i lay here in my cell with nothing but my dreams,
i hear nothing but the guards,
and the other prisoners screams.
A dragons freedom is my only goal,
within my heart is a Dragons Soul.

i saw it there in his thoughts
he was on the edge of demise
but yet i hesitated to pull him back
to pull him towards me
for i was there beside him
i already knew he was forever mine

still i delighted in his suffering
the silver lining of the cloud
that was our nightmare

his pure white skin
long black hair
crimson tears
razor cold touch
i loved every one of the tears he shed

through his pain i found security
in what we had to do
our dream of eternity could not
be fulfilled in the
fault that was that world

- no -

our love was stronger than that
stronger than life

he was my poison
my addiction
my everything

life would tear us apart;
it was inevitable
the only way i could keep him
was in death

sweet release
the beginning of the end

he looked at me
with demonic zeal in his eyes
i could tell he was ready to end the suffering

he held me tight as the world went dark…
as the warming rush of toxic devotion
took over our existance…

…as our souls were bound forever in the death
that is our eternity…

alone in my thoughts
in darkness i hide
in this chaos of life
angel suicide

surrounded by all
but near not to one
i can’t let them in
i trust only none

i drive myself dead
just the voices an i
im tired of life
crimson’s a high

the voices, they tell me
everyone’s fake
their time is now up
their lives i now take

the end is so near
i’ll take every soul
there’s no turning back
their lives i now hold

it’s killing time now
how great it will feel
i’ll show them my pain
now surprisingly real

their terrified screams
thier blood comes undone
i’ll take every life
…leaving just one…

but the pain is still here
i’ve got to take mine
i’ll end my life now
and in ecstacy die

passion overflows the soul
and enters places most surreal
fantasies materialize
so done with sweet demonic zeal
the world’s consumed by endless night
but through a light is seen
their souls redeemed - a dream-like state -
saved by love’s eternity

in the misdt of loving death
the warmth of such re’surring breath
the end it seems
the only way
for our two souls
forever stay
in satan’s romance; razor blades
blood’s eternal - never fades
like demon dreams of red romance
our souls now there:
the killing dance

I would first like to say that I’m approaching this subject in reply to a discussion regarding an operation that I had last year, involving narcosis.

For as long as I remember, I’ve feared death. I had perceived the biological clock as a daunting magnet dragging me ever closer to the unpleasant event. However, flipping things up and down brings me to an epiphany, and a new belief. The essence of depression: to yearn.

An example: It is not the loss of your dear ones that hurts, but the proceeding yearning for your time together. It is not the fire in your home that hurts you, but the following yearning for the home you had before the flames devoured it. It’s not the sitting in the wheelchair that hurts, it’s the longing for the time where you could walk.

This theory can be applied to life itself. It’s not death that hurts, but the proceeding yearning for the time where you were alive… and here we stop.

The philosopher Descartes once said: “I think, therefore I am.”

Science suggests that narcosis is a condition in which one is kept in a borderline state between life and death (comatose). As far as I understand, narcosis differs from traditional sleep. During traditional sleep, one has a sense of time and enacts dreaming. During narcosis, one’s mind becomes entirely idle, and all mental actuality becomes subject to the hands of the anesthesiologist.

In other words; if we revere the axiom “I think - therefore I am”, then I was literally “not” during the operation’s 2 hour endurance, simply because I didn’t think - I didn’t even dream.

When death occurs, our bodies die and our existence vanishes - essentially because we’ve ceased thinking.

In order to sense pain, physical or psychological, a consciousness is needed. It’s essential to think, it’s essential to be. That’s why narcosis is used, to suppress consciousness and be able to conduct extremely painful operation without discomforting the patient.

I believe my state of narcosis provided me a taste of death. It’s an absence of consciousness. Without consciousness you cannot yearn. You can’t long for life, because you are, for all intents and purposes “not”.

Fear derives from a warning of possible pain.
We fear our relationship will end or our home will burn, because of the pain of loss. As humans, we’re always and forever tied to what may be - sometimes enough that we overlook what we have now.

But why fear death when you’re unable to miss life?

I certainly don’t hope there is a life after death - at least not in a conscious state.
Imagine resting in a ghostly condition on a churchyard longing for life or going to heaven missing your friends and family from Earth.

I truly hope there is just one life.

”Give me the joy of life and I’ll give you the peace of death.”

ive been suicidel before, ive been happy before, ive been numb,
my whole life i have had m,v,p a heart problem i never realy thought it much a bother to me i could sill live a happy long life untill 3 months ago i had a drug od and i found out it advaned to cardiomyopathy which is basicly fatal i just turned 19 and my heart has all ready inlarged a little bit last night i ran up the stairs and it was like runing a mile, when i had the od i dyed for a little bit over a minute then the doctors brought me back the funny thing is it didnt hurt it was realy the most beautiful way to die i was fine then i just fell down i have a deadly illness now i dont want to die i was suicidel for a long time then i was happy for awhile now im numb….basicly when sad and suicidle never wish to die wish to truely live, wish to be happy when your dying its to late…

renouncing my faith in my useless talents,
strange demented dark heartache and violent,
the sound of your voice was like poison to me,
only a lock to my hart and you’ve stolen the key,
i wonder if you’ll denie that you where the reason,
or if you’ll say sorry like sorrys in season,
but you’re never wrong. you’re all ways right,
i wonder if you’ll miss me on cold october nights,
maybe in years in the dicgionary there will be.
lissted under pain…hurt, heartache,..then me