Entries Tagged 'darkness' ↓

well if everyone saw me for the first time you would think that i am a very quiet person that doesn’t worry about much. looks can be deceiving because inside is so much hate and images of suicide in my head. Continue reading →

It was dark outside, although I had to stand up and go. I was walking in the streets. I couldn’t fallow my thoughts, and the road was stretching and stretching… Continue reading →

It All Started When I Was About 13 and in the 8th grade . ..i Was growing up alot faster then alot of the other girls so i looked like i was about 16 or 17. I Wanted to go out ALL the time. i had friends alot older then me and boyfriends that were 17 or 18 and i wanted to go driving around with them. Continue reading →

i have often had many fantasies… all quite perverse.
i would like to tell you my greatest perverse acts but
im simply to paranoid and fear i might be turned into
the police. However i will tell you of my recent
thoughts. Continue reading →

He just kept hitting me…he wouldn’t stop…I could taste the blood in my mouth that was a result of the first hit…he shoved me and I was out of the car in a flash, he ran around to the other side and started to kick me, I could feel my rib break with the power of just one kick, the pain was startling, that was what it was like to have a broken bone, why is it so hard to breath and why am I coughing up more blood? Continue reading →

“i stand in my bathroom the sharpest razor in my right hand, and in my left, a red rose grasped tightly in my palm. the thorns pricking my hands. Continue reading →

I sit there and listen to everybody complain. Some are complaining about there parents never letting them do anything. others are saying that there to mean b/c they never let them stay up past 12 p.m and others are complaing about there clothes or siblings. Continue reading →

Society is plagued, it’s been said before… “The person is smart but the people are dumb”, conformity riddles the never ending agenda of daily life along with the violent but hushed death of free thought. The few keeping it alive are vastly outnumbered by modernized mindless zombies. Continue reading →

I remember the Arguement as vivdly as the screen infront of me. I remember the power of his voice blasting through my ears like a black night swarming over a beautiful day. And I remember the force of his hand slamming against my body. I remember the pain that shot through my body, the shocks that felt like a million knives stabbing my face, and tearing it apart. I hate him Continue reading →

we were happy, two kids in love, only a month apart in age, you would do any thing to keep me happy, and me you, i would even kill for you, you knew that, you said i would never have to, but you gave me to chouse, Continue reading →

I am scared. Scared for my pain, the pain of others that I have hurt. I lay on my side on the small twin size bed, thinking about how I could end the pain. End the pain of insanity. Rid myself for my own well being. For everyone elses happiness. But then I think harder. Why should they be happy? They never did anything for me, except teach me how to hide. Hide from all of the good feelings of love and smiles of happiness. And all of the bad feelings to which I had already succumbed. Continue reading →

I used to think that all of my friends just used me and my parents hated me. I knew that, the parent part. All of my friends would say,” its okay amber, just relax, you’ll get threw it.” But i knew that they all rather me die, not exist, pretty much im just the living dead to them. Continue reading →

I knew this one kid, im not going to name anyone, but I knew him. He was like my best friend. Then he turned out to be a real asswhole. I loved him like a brother, and I trusted him too. He was always there for me, during my break-ups and my family problems. Too my school and friends. from pregnancys and beatings, he was always there. Continue reading →

its seems every day i find myself walking the halls of my school and i hear “i love you” or “hold me” and it makes me sick to my stomach. Continue reading →

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You create yourself from nowhere. Your own Pygmalion, you draw the lines of your face, and slowly, artistically, imaginatively, the map becomes a territory. Continue reading →

You love the sea.

You say you could spend days just sitting on the shore. You say the constant beat of the waves quenches thoughts, slakes desires. I don’t know, for me it’s just a pool of water. Continue reading →

He pushed open the door, the glass crunched beneath his feet. The floor was nothing but a mixture of blood and broken glass, the window had been broken in an attempt to escape or struggle of some form. Maybe they had tried to run away that would explain the small amount of blood over the glass but there was more blood at the back of the room. She could have been a beauty queen the apple of the worlds eye, or maybe she could have went to college and became an award winning scientest who discovered a cure for cancer. Not now though because now she was but a shadow of her former self. The body on the floor wasnt her anymore. But he see’s her face and thinks to him self “Why me? Why Me?”. A blood stained envelope lays silently on the bed, but hes mesmerised by the card someone had stuffed in her mouth………he looked closer. Ace of Spades, the card of death or some signature of sarcasm left by whoever commited this sin. An hour had passed since he first set foot into the room he had become strangley numb to the image before him. In that hour he hadnt woken up so he wasnt dreaming and nothing had moved. Feared fiction suddenly becomes reality. Shes dead………………..but it still hasnt sunk in because he still belives that this couldnt have happened to him…………..to her. A week later hes sitting at home but home feels empty, but not like shes gone only like shes out and hasnt come home yet, she isnt dead apparently but maybe thats just the way hes thinking right now trauma can do alot to people, they crack. But soon enough the pain sinks in, and when it does people begin to look for a way to escape some turn to drugs others to self harm. There are also those im not going to mention, they take the cowards way out when things get too much. For this guy the victim of some untimely mess his bong is just one minor escape he can take for just now. He packs the bowl, sparks up and inhales deeply, he holds it then blows it out followed by another hit. And as the THC reaches his brain suddenly he’s back standing in the doorway of the room looking down at her but shes not dead shes just lying there waiting for him, her long pretty arms outstretched. She beckons him to the floor beside her, he lies down and the smile on her face makes him happy, she deserves happiness. They kiss and he knows that he is loved and loves her in return but as he pulls away hes still at the door and shes dead and hes in tears. But for now nothing can be done. Vengeance is best spawned in moments of rage and at this stage of denial none have crossed him yet…..

to be continued

I get stares, wherever I go, people’s eyes just seem to fasten onto me. I mean, I live in New York, and even god damned crackwhores and tatooed ravers don’t get looked at like me. Why? Actually, I doubt you’ll believe it, But I’m an albino.

That, dear kiddies, is the reason I’m on this computer right now. Because the sun always seems to be bright and beautiful, my sunglasses broke, and it hurts my eyes like hell just to look out the window. So i just sit here and pound keys, except when I have school.

And there, the teachers even resent me because they have to pull the blinds when I’m in class, and the fucking little snobs hate me because I’m allowed to wear shades in school (when they aint broken, that is). Basically, I have no friends, except my moniter.

Even my own family, distant cousins I’d never met, look at me in that air-brained jackass way, and I have alot of cousins, since both my mom and dad are mostly greek. Which means that they have olive skin and dark hair and basically I look like a snow drift on asfault in family pictures. And ya know when photos get that annoying red eye. Imagine looking like that every day.

My hair is frizzy, my And give me a few wrinkles and I’d look like some cadaver of a white-haired lady. I just want color, you know, to have skin thats any degree more tanned than a cloud, or maybe blonde hair even. All in all, it sucks. Hell, I don’t even know why I’m typing this damned rant right now anyway. But I did, it’s over, and i don’t see why not to send it. So have a niiiice day.

There are so many posts on here that are full of depression and hate and lost love and envy and all the things we all eventually learn are just damn trivial. I figured i’d post something to give a little hope to people out there who think that there is not much for them in the world.

I used to try to stop myself from thinking, because thinking was always the one thing that got me into trouble, screwed me up, and left me feeling alone and pretty damn miserable. I often look back on my life, epsecially the last four years and I’m proud of myself, at how much i have come on and grown up.

Things were bad for me. I toiled with the usual teenage troubles of life and love and friendship and betrayal and envy and greed and passion and revenge. And on top of it all i went through a life altering change that left me alone, discarded from my family and friends and forced to rebuild everything from scratch, and over the last four years that’s exactly what i’ve been doing.

I never got involved with drugs, and i never lowered myself to ‘cutting’ as i know many people do. But i was pretty damn depressed and suicide often felt like an easy way out and i seriously contemplated it many times over the years, but i am so thankful that i never actually went through with it because i have learnt such a lot in such a short space of time, and the most important lesson i learnt was that life is precious and life is short. It sounds like a cliche i know, and it is, but it’s also true, and i think that the majority of people here on darkness forget that little fact.

There’s always hope. There’s always someone out there who cares and sooner or later someone will do something that touches your life in a way that makes you want to change the life that you’re living into something better. I think that so many people rely on love and romance to do that for them, but i think that more often than not it is found somewhere other than that.

I am the happiest i have been for a long time, and i am single. I always thought that being single again would be a daunting thing because i was so used to walking through life with someone by my side, but now i have realised that you can’t honestly be with someone if you have not yet learnt to love yourself and love your own company. Inner peace is so important.

Decisions are the hardest thing about growing up. For every decision theres always something at the back of your mind that makes you wonder how things would have turned out id you’d have chosen the other option. It’s a killer, it really is. But it gets easier as you grow up. You realise that it doesn’t really matter. You learn to make the most of whatever it is that you have.

Above all believe in yourself. If you’re not happy doing what you’re doing take time out and decide what’s best for you. Don’t listen to anyone around you because although they think they know what;s best for you, they usually don’t. It took me four years of bummin about to get to where i am now, and i wouldn’t take back a single day of it because i got where i want to be, and in September i get the opportunity to leave this dump of a town that i live in and go to University in a delightful part of the country.

So i guess all i want to say is don’t give up. You’ve at least one person rootin for ya.

Love and respect,
Vixodus
xxx

On nights as warm as this, I lay back on the hood of my car and simply stare at the stars. The only guiding lights in my life that have been there for me all these years.
Continue reading →

Now more than ever I feel so alone, walking through the streets and alleys by myself, with my coat and my sweatshirt’s head cover, everyday grew lonelier, walking, just walking, without a cause or destination, I just walked for days…
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Have you ever noticed how when you are around somebody that you haven’t hung out with for a while, that their personality starts to rub off on you? I mean, it could just be me. But when I am around some friends from Casper (another town) I start saying or doing things that they do. I guess that is why I am so easy to get along with. I can be anything that everybody wants me to be. But then again I am nothing but a big fake. I don’t know how to be me anymore. Even when I am by myself I can’t remember how I was. Even on the internet. When I am talking to somebody, I act so different. I guess you can say the I am a hypocrit.

Kaleo

He says he thinks he’s going to destroy the world for her. But what if he’s wrong? What if he’s going to destroy it because of her? I know that this has all happened before. Many, many times in fact. Perhaps things can be changed. Maybe that’s why we keep living this same life. Maybe we’re supposed to fix it all. Although, I really feel like we’ve been down this road before. I know I shouldn’t do what I’ve been asked, that it will only turn out the same as before. I’m the best one to be seeker and rest assured, I will find her. It’s just that I know how this all ends. I know I’ve come too far to remove myself from the scenario now. I just wish I could make sure that it doesn’t end the same as before. I wish I could make myself not find her. But that can’t be because he asked me to. He did not demand it. He simply asked for me help. In the end, I’ve never been able to resist him. Soon we’ll all pay for my weaknesses, as well as for my strength. So this is my apology to you. To all the world which will suffer for that which I shall seek and find. I’m sorry.

Alone in a world that subconsciously drifts towards the nothingness of light. Bitter are the days spent trying to find the answers that lie right under our nose. Travelled through, travelled past the hopes we had come to expect. I’m not leaking, I’m only bleeding from all this ignorance that surrounds me. I’m not any better, auto destruction seems unavoidable. I’m not waiting for something more, and something more is nothing at all. How oblivious do we need to be in order to be happy, and how happy do we need to be in order to be oblivious? All this silence is giving me a headache, all this light is blinding me to such an extreme…If pain is nothing anymore, cannot understand what comes next. I, I roam through my own desire to find, to see, to know. And knowledge brings pain, I bare it with pride… I’m standing in the middle of yesterday, perched on my tree of shadows, observing, learning objectively.

L’on dira ce que l’on veut, mais moi je fais mon chemin, et ce chemin je le fait dans le noir. Rien n’est là pour m’aveugler, me tromper… L’erreur n’est pas une faute en soi-même, mais bien une nécessité quant elle est fait non par tromperie mais par curiosité.

Promised not to hurt myself again, promised to conform… Reason why I believe promises are only there to falsify true souls. Fear never occurred to me, never came in prefabricated savours. I stand alone, I stand alas nowhere. Labels never seemed much fun anyway. However, in darkness there is far more to explore than what lies bare naked in light. And fear has always stopped the masses from even trying, even looking. Needless to see, if a medal has two faces, so does everything else. Light is as negative as darkness can be positive. All is needed is an open mind, willing to understand that reality comes under many shapes and forms. Psychotic??? No… merely a wanderer in a sea of mystery.

in meinen Adern ist die HexenBlut…Ich bin die Hexe von Dunkelheit

Salvation comes not under many forms and somehow the arrogance shown to me was the arrogance that will make me ravage all those who face me without grief. Kiss of death has never been within me as death is but another excuse to let go, to give up. Some have pointed me out, calling me a poser, wannabe goth. Ironic, as I am not goth at all but merely willing to be myself. Not original, not superficial, just me. Arrogance will not go unoticed.
Darkness, opposite of light? Nein…yet complementary. Yes some have come to label it as the negative side of life yet I beg to differ with vigour. Darkness, is merely another way of seeing things, perceiving life. Every medal has two faces. Just like light, darkness can be positive just as much as negative. The only thing that makes it vary in it’s aspect is the way the person is, reacts, perceives, lives. I am not one to judge, yet opinions are always welcomed.
Bitter I am not yet vicious I can be if provoked. Fair warning.
And now as emotion sickness grabs me by the throat I shall retreat to pure somnolence and meditate on the things that aren’t truly there, yet that I wished they would be. And how memorable are the soft touches of desire when they suddenly disappear to a nether world…I miss my soft touches, and somehow, waiting for them to come back will be a pain in the ass, as patience has never been on my side…

Alone as any good crow ought to be…Scared as any wise warrior should be…dead…as every piece of hope will be…

Dying on a man, full of faith…There’s no forgiveness when a blackened soul makes her own way…Vagabond, errant in my own complications…where will I run again…

Laissez moi mourir en paix, puisque je le puis…avec toute certitude, ce sont mes pensées qui s’envoleront avec toi…

Loss. Of a loved one, of a life, of a soul. How can one person touch you so deeply? You left me. Left me standing there all alone in the middle of the cobbled street. People bustled around me, jostling, all going somewhere, but where was I going? No-where without you. I stood like a statue, alone, still, lost like a child crying for its mother. I cried for you. I cried as I watched your retreating back, swathed in a black cloak and hood, you looked like a rich man, you looked like a monk, you looked mysterious, but I knew who you really were. I knew why you were here, but not why you had to leave. Did you? Did you know why you were here? You were here to love me. You were brought here by some mystical force to teach me how to live again, and you did. You taught me why the sun shines, you showed me how to laugh again, and you crumbled the wall I’d unknowingly built around my heart. You showed me how to love with more passion than I had ever thought possible. Then you left me. Left me to fend for myself in a cruel world of manipulative people. My defenses down, by soul exposed.

And so I stand here, watching you retreat, not looking back, too afraid you may have to stay if you ever turned around. How could you? How could you leave?! You promised me you would be forever by my side. Promised me you would never leave me alone again. You did once, many years ago, when I didn’t even know who you were. I’d forgotten, until you came into my life again. A new life, a different person, both you and I. Why? Why did you have to come? I was safer before you, I knew how the world worked, I knew how to live without ever having to risk myself, sacrifice my emotions. They were hidden well, they were safe. But you, you brought them out, showed them how to be free and they enjoyed it. Why would you do that and then leave? How did you leave? I could never have done it. Or did you not feel as you claimed? Did you never love me? Did you only wish to hurt me more? What did I ever do but love you? Need you? Live for you?

As I stand in the jostling street, I cry tears of loss, tears of the soul, yet as I feel them leave wet trails down my cheeks, I know what I must do. I let the tears fall, let my soul seep out of my body, my spirit is broken, and so must be disposed of. All that you taught me is worth nothing. But one lesson you did not realize you had taught is priceless. You have shown me how to be strong; I shall rebuild the wall that once you felled. I shall rebuild it so that it cannot crumble. I will not be hurt again, by anyone. I shall never leave my heart unprotected. For if I do, I know I will surely die.
You left me. Left me standing there all alone in the middle of the cobbled street. People bustled around me, jostling, all going somewhere, and now I too am going somewhere, I am going to that little known place where it is safest not to love, where it is safest not to feel, not to want and certainly not to need. Even as I watch you, swathed in that black cloak and hood, retreat into the crowd, gone forever, I close the drawbridge to my castle, and fill the moat to overflowing. Never again. Never again… I am now dead to the world, for I am safe inside.

(Sorry about the corny love thing people, I wrote this a while ago and was just feeling kind of… I don’t know, frustrated I guess.)

He loved the little things, and yet rarely noticed them. A hole in a sock was only there for others to perceive; to him the sock was unchanged. You once told me that you never had to worry that his white shirt may have accidentally been put in the red wash, and was now pink, because he wouldn’t notice if it suddenly went missing. Yet he noticed when you coloured your hair, even if it didn’t come out properly. He noticed the sparkle in your eyes and the dimple in your left cheek when you laughed. He always said he loved that dimple; it just appeared out of nowhere, lonely but happy. He loved coffee before bed, and old typewriters. He didn’t drink or smoke, and laughed a lot. And you, you loved his funny wide feet and sandy coloured hair, that always looked too long, even after he’d had it cut. He knew you, you knew him. In a sea of people you seemed to be soul mates.

And later, with his eyes closed and his body unmoving for years, in the hospital, he knew when you weren’t there. Some people swear it’s just like sleeping, only there’s nothing going on inside their heads, but you knew, you knew he heard you, could feel your presence in the room. Were you aware that when you left, his hand searched for yours? Did you care that once you left he gave up? Everyone had thought it a miracle when they switched the life support off, that his heart insisted on beating, his lungs continued to breathe. For 16 months he held on, the true fighter that he always was. You couldn’t handle it. A life without hope. You’d hoped for freedom, but he kept fighting, so you were stuck there and couldn’t help him. You tried I know, but gave up too soon. He searched for you for days after you left, I swear once I even heard him murmur your name, but he knew that you were truly gone, you’d deserted your post, and he didn’t want to fight anymore. How long would it have taken for him to make it through? How many walls remained to be felled? If you had waited, would he have woken? And would you have wanted him then?

I see you again as you walk in my door that sweet little girl with the Big blue eyes, the honey colored hair, the innocent voice and the soft skin a baby should have. Continue reading →

How do I begin to explain how I feel inside?
The trouble and pain I’ve caused in your mind.
The amount of times you’ve tried.
I throw it back again in lies.

Now alone again in my thoughts
I sit and write of what another day’s brought.
The thoughts of you inside my head,
My broken body upon the bed.

All this talk of love,
These “heavenly words of God above”
They just float by,
Drowned by sorrow,
Another heart and soul I’d like to borrow.

I see your face and smile to myself
This happiness you bring me,
I could never tell.
Through my foolishness you’re fading away
And I’m alone without a friend to try another day.

In my heart, I think I love you
But with the pain that pounds,
these words are untrue
I leave your side
Bottle this thought inside
And face what tomorrow holds.