Entries Tagged 'death' ↓

my dreams have been flooded with the grim reaper. there are some where there many of them. there are some where they’re all in white cloaks. either way i always fight with them and end up killing them. there’s been a couple about myself and my parents talking in another room about me being demonic in my sleep. what do you people think?

I would first like to say that I’m approaching this subject in reply to a discussion regarding an operation that I had last year, involving narcosis.

For as long as I remember, I’ve feared death. I had perceived the biological clock as a daunting magnet dragging me ever closer to the unpleasant event. However, flipping things up and down brings me to an epiphany, and a new belief. The essence of depression: to yearn.

An example: It is not the loss of your dear ones that hurts, but the proceeding yearning for your time together. It is not the fire in your home that hurts you, but the following yearning for the home you had before the flames devoured it. It’s not the sitting in the wheelchair that hurts, it’s the longing for the time where you could walk.

This theory can be applied to life itself. It’s not death that hurts, but the proceeding yearning for the time where you were alive… and here we stop.

The philosopher Descartes once said: “I think, therefore I am.”

Science suggests that narcosis is a condition in which one is kept in a borderline state between life and death (comatose). As far as I understand, narcosis differs from traditional sleep. During traditional sleep, one has a sense of time and enacts dreaming. During narcosis, one’s mind becomes entirely idle, and all mental actuality becomes subject to the hands of the anesthesiologist.

In other words; if we revere the axiom “I think - therefore I am”, then I was literally “not” during the operation’s 2 hour endurance, simply because I didn’t think - I didn’t even dream.

When death occurs, our bodies die and our existence vanishes - essentially because we’ve ceased thinking.

In order to sense pain, physical or psychological, a consciousness is needed. It’s essential to think, it’s essential to be. That’s why narcosis is used, to suppress consciousness and be able to conduct extremely painful operation without discomforting the patient.

I believe my state of narcosis provided me a taste of death. It’s an absence of consciousness. Without consciousness you cannot yearn. You can’t long for life, because you are, for all intents and purposes “not”.

Fear derives from a warning of possible pain.
We fear our relationship will end or our home will burn, because of the pain of loss. As humans, we’re always and forever tied to what may be - sometimes enough that we overlook what we have now.

But why fear death when you’re unable to miss life?

I certainly don’t hope there is a life after death - at least not in a conscious state.
Imagine resting in a ghostly condition on a churchyard longing for life or going to heaven missing your friends and family from Earth.

I truly hope there is just one life.

”Give me the joy of life and I’ll give you the peace of death.”

ive been suicidel before, ive been happy before, ive been numb,
my whole life i have had m,v,p a heart problem i never realy thought it much a bother to me i could sill live a happy long life untill 3 months ago i had a drug od and i found out it advaned to cardiomyopathy which is basicly fatal i just turned 19 and my heart has all ready inlarged a little bit last night i ran up the stairs and it was like runing a mile, when i had the od i dyed for a little bit over a minute then the doctors brought me back the funny thing is it didnt hurt it was realy the most beautiful way to die i was fine then i just fell down i have a deadly illness now i dont want to die i was suicidel for a long time then i was happy for awhile now im numb….basicly when sad and suicidle never wish to die wish to truely live, wish to be happy when your dying its to late…

It’s been a hot two weeks with no sleep in a single studio apartment , just checking the fed, testing ph levels and shooting the raw meth to see if it’s any good. I can’t tell any more, I just have a massive headache, it’s like 150 degrees in here every body is silent, picking at their faces, arguing, taking shit apart, and I swear my skin is soaked with mustard gas coming from the tube hooked up to the kitty litter filter. Continue reading →

I rested my arms on the edge of the coffin and peered in. She looked so peaceful, and for a second i convinced myself that maybe she was just sleeping - but by simply brushing ym hand across her cheek the cold skin brought reality flooding back. Tears welled up in my eyes. Continue reading →

A lonely tear ran down Casey’s face. ” how could this happen. Why?” he thought to himself. He held Amanda’s dead lifeless body in his arms. He felt how placidly her limbs moved. Her once warm skin was now like ice and her eyes lifeless. Continue reading →

If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be like this. I wouldn’t have this problem where I have to get myself help. I have to sit here in my fucking room and cry all the damn time wondering what the fuck I did wrong this time. Continue reading →

I love you so much. Being with you is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I never knew that love could be so controlling, so manipulative, and so hurting. I didn’t know that love came in a tiny black package with a sticker saying “DO NOT OPEN”. Continue reading →

The bridge, the night, the black water, the glisten of the moon and her reflection in a haze of street lights and stars… it all seemed so promising, so tempting. She was cold, so cold, freezing in icy air. Continue reading →

Meet Johnny.
At age 16 he’s decided to give up.
His parents are divorced. Continue reading →

Her body is lying emotionless. Her pale skin is whiter than a show. Her hair is darker than a night. Her opened eyes are staring at me nonstop. Continue reading →

I’m going into an everlasting sleep, after I cut my wrist nice and deep. After this life of torment and pain, shortly Satan and I will reign. Continue reading →

She was by no means a beautiful girl. At least, what most would consider beauty. She and her sister (who had happened to get all the ‘good looking’ genes) led a mostly abused childhood, having been drugged, molested, and in several different shelters and foster homes. Though they had been through much, they managed to stay close, and they managed to become somewhat decent people. Continue reading →

The blood runs down her arms, another drop of blood falls to the floor filling the puddle of blood beneathe her feet. Nothing could prepare her for the pain she was put through tonight. Continue reading →

I’m in darkness now. I see dim visions of that girl. She is looking down on me. I don’t think that she completely killed me. I am slowly breathing, deeply. The funny thing is, I finally get that kiss that I have been wanting. I can taste the blood that she drank from me. “Don’t worry. Your story doesn’t end here. I won’t let it,” she says. Continue reading →

Every spring people end up missing. Days later their bodies are found, drained of blood. In this small town, no one is ever safe, not even me. One dark and cold night I went out with some friends to go to a party. We disobeyed our parents when they said “no going out passed five.” We didn’t care, we just wanted to have fun, before we die of bordom. Continue reading →

Everyone wants to know what death feels like. They think no one knows because you can’t be dead and still be alive. What if you could? If your at a piont of isolation in ur life isn’t that the same as being dead? If your dead to the world are you dead to yourself? These question lie in my head. I try to think of something else but it pops rigt back into my head. It’s either think about death or these questions. When i’m not thinking about either im thinking if i will ever know the answers. Please help if you can. I’m going crazy. Correction i am crazy.

It was another night. Much like others. Me, you, few other people. Just partying, smoking weed. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. I kept thinking about the way things used to be. They should still be like that. When I was happy, when we were together. Everyone had gone off to do their own things. I was alone. I found a knife in the kitchen drawer. Then slowly walked to the bathroom, nearly falling with every step. I sat against the door, so no one would get in. I took the razor apart. I thought about us. The happy times we had. How I wished we could have still been together. It’s hard just talking to you and seeing you as nothing but a friend. I couldn’t handle missing you when you were right next to me. I am so in love with you, but you love me only as a mere friend. As I slit my wrist and arm I cried, but not from the physical pain. The pain within was greater than anything I, or anyone else, could put on me. I came out, still not being able to walk straightly, where I seen a girl. She saw blood all down my arm and hands. She kept asking me what happened but I couldn’t find the words to tell her. Then you came over. Asked me and then her what happened. Soon everyone that was there knew. My cuts aren’t that deep, but there was a lot of blood. You kept asking me to promise never to do it again. I tell you over and over again that it’s the only way for me to be happy. You say “How can hurting yourself make you happy?” It is not I who hurting me. You are the one who hurts me. You said that even though we aren’t together you love me and care about me. You also said if it doesn’t stop that you will seek professional help for me because I’m getting out of control. The only thing that is out of control is my undying love for you. I told you that all of the blood on my arms was caused by love. Just love, nothing less. I can’t handle things like other people. The next night you and I had a long talk. I told you that it hurts me to see you with other girls. You said that it hurts you to see me hurt myself. Do you not care that you hurt me in so many ways? I keep trying and trying to prove to you that I love you. You say that you know I do, but if you really knew you wouldn’t be able to turn your back on me. We are meant to be together! From the moment we met eachother we fell in love. You even said so. You can’t just fall out of love! It’s not that simple. You keep saying you’re afraid. What are you afraid of? Want to know what I’m afraid of? I’m afraid that if things don’t change this could be the end. It’s nothing but love that I have for you. Bloody Love. Thats what my friends say it’s about. I’m in Bloody Love! All of my pain comes out in blood. But the only pain I have is from love! Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love Bloody Love. How crazy.

I miss you Meagan, your laugh, your smile, your touch…and the way you would always tell me How much you cared. Im so very sorry that you had to go through all that pain that you did. I cant sleep, Meagan. I miss you, I cant bring myself to beleive that you are…Gone. Thats it, your only gone. Your not dead. I wish I could have went with you that night! Do you think you can ask if you can invite a friend? I want to be with you so bad, I cant bear to hear the truth. You lived your life to the fullest, but why wasnt I the one to go? I wish I could have took your place. Just so you wouldnt feel any pain, so you wouldnt have to leave this world. Then when I was gone, I would come down to take your tears away. Its hard to face the fact that, you wont be here…to call me after you get out of school, or to tell me to pick you up, that you were bored. You wont be here for me to take you shopping, or to the movies. I wont be able to watch you go down the isle, like I promised you I would. I never dreamed that I would go through so much pain as to watch you die right in front of my eyes. I cant take that Meagan. I havent let you go, and never will. Your in my heart and soul forever. But what I want you to know…is that one day. I will be there with you, and I will hold you so very tight and never let go. But for now I guess I have to. I will never forget you meagan. Tell Anthony, Jackie, And Ryan I said hey for me ok? Something keeps running through my head Meagan…I hope you heard…Those last final words…. “I Love You and Goodbye”
In Memory of Meagan Bunn- 1990-2003

She is the one that nobody wants to be close to; the weirdo, the odd one, you know what I mean. She was tall and slender with transparent skin, like rice paper was used in place of flesh on Her. No one wanted to be close to Her, as if brushing against Her would cause them to become transparent too. Continue reading →

She sat ther wishing she had a gun so bad. She also remembered the first day she thought of killing herself.
She remembered the exact words she had said to her friend.
“I just want to shoot myself, It feels like I’ve lived my life to it’s fullist, Why live any longer.”
Continue reading →

I was thinkin the other day… i myself dont believe in God or Heaven or Hell or any of that shit… but for the people who do, wouldnt it be funny if the God they spent their lives bowing down to and worshipping turned out to be evil.. and when they died and went to ‘heaven’ Continue reading →

I get home and dad’s already gone out, to the pub probably, or to the off-licence. It’s not unusual, he’s normally pretty drunk by lunchtime anyway. Doesn’t bother me, if he wants to do it then that’s fine. I mean I’m not really any different with taking drugs. My father is the one person I despise most in the world, and yet it seems I am turning into him. Strange how things work out.

I got up to my room and empty the contents of my bag out of the bed. My LSD tabs are right at the bottom and I stuff them down the back of my bed, just in case. There’s no way of telling if and when my dad might suspect something. It’s unlikely but still, just in case.
I turn on my CD-player and put a CD on repeat, then I lay down on my bed and try to have a sleep, well not so much a sleep, more of a coma. I can’t go on like this for much longer. My heads so messed up and I’m so scared. I miss my mum and I miss Ben. I don’t know what to do.
The tabs are in my hand and I’ve taken two, maybe? Three? I’ve lost count. My head hurts and I can’t see straight. I’m flat on my back and the whole room is spinning, some kids outside are yelling but everything’s going to fast, everything’s wrong and out of control. What’s wrong with me, what’s happening, this is all wrong. It’s all gone wrong.

I can’t sleep and I don’t mean just because I’m having the worst acid trip in history. Things keep going through my head and I don’t know what half of it means. I’m just so confused and nothing is making any sense. The only thing that seems clear is that my whole life is spinning out of control and I’m helpless to stop it. The drugs, the self-harm, the loneliness, it’s all part of me and yet completely separate at the same time. Why is this happening to me? Couldn’t someone else have my dysfunctional family, my dysfunctional life? I cant live with this anymore. I cant live. Everything’s gone so wrong.

The knife is on my dresser. Glinting at me in the moonlight. Encouraging me, like I did to the bullies at school. Well this would certainly get some attention.
The steel is cold, so cold on my wrists. I can feel the heat of my blood as it runs down my arm. It feels like I’ve got blood everywhere, I’ve even got blood seeping out of my eyes or are they tears? I can’t tell the difference anymore that’s what it’s been like ever since I was a kid, blood and tears. What a mess, what a total, bloody mess. Now both my wrists are bleeding, I feel like I’m crying crimson tears. There’s one single scratch above the angel on my stomach. Funny, I don’t remember doing that. Funny. Nice choice of word for the situation well done.

I can hear the song lyrics in the background “I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard, Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everybody can see these scars”. I have my eyes open but all I can see is darkness, I have my hands open but all I can feel is air. All I can hear is the song lyrics then the sound of footsteps on the stairs, my dads voice calling my name, the door opening. The songs carries on “I can’t feel the way I did before, Don’t turn your back on me, I won’t be ignored, Time won’t heal this damage anymore, Don’t turn your back on me, I won’t be ignored”
I can hear my dad whispering my name, crying, sorry dad but its too little too late. You had better be waiting for me Ben, you’d better be there. I look around again and it’s still dark, but one thing stands out all too clearly. I thought the world had turned its back on me, but now I can see that I turned my back on the world. Now it’s too late.
I can still hear my dad crying and feel his tears falling on my exposed stomach. I can still feel the air on my skin and hear the words of the song “Don’t turn your back on me, I won’t be ignored”. Maybe if I’d had the courage to say that, things would have been better.
But now it’s too late.

I was sitting in the bathtub taking a long bubble bath. I kept staring into the flames of the candels that surrounded and lit up the bathtub. I always felt desturbed, but in the bathtub i felt it then more then ever. It was something about the darkness. It comforted me. As I stared into the fire i thought about how much i hated my miserable life and that i just wanted to die. I thought about anything and everything that made my life so shity. I just sat there staring into the flames and cried. All of the sudden my thoughts and comfortness was enterupted. It was someone saying,” Hurry the Hell up. Did you drowned or something.” I thought to myself I Wish, but i didn’t say that. Instead I siad in my happy little voice, ” OK. I’m getting out. I just have to brush my hair and stuff.” I got out of the bathtub, grabed my comb,and sat on th toilet seet. I was still staring into the fire. I thought about ways to kill myself right then and there: I could put a plug into the water get in and turn on the switch. I could OD on drugs. I could cut myself with a razor. I thought of alot of ways to do it, but nothing sounded good enough. Then, there was a puond on the door,” Didnt you hear me the first time you fucking bitch.Get the Hell out of there.’ So, I took 4 advills to go to sleep and not dream of the nightmares of my life, cleaned up the bathroom, and went out to the living room aand pretended nothing happened. Pretended that my life was perfect, but of course it isn’t.

I remember like it was yesterday… being held in your gentle arms, lying my head on your shoulder, and smelling your sweet cologne. God how I miss your touch on my face… It’s been 6 months since I first fell in love with you, and 3 months since you fell out of it with me. I didn’t mean to chase you away. I miss you so much, I just wanted another chance. Every night I cried for you to take me back…and every night I would bleed because you hated me. I gave up on my life because I lost you. I’m killing myself because I’ve lost you. Without you I’m a nothing, a no one. I’ve been in so many hospitals for overdosing on drugs and cutting myself too deep. My stupidity caused me not to die. So I cried more. I knew I wouldn’t ever get you back, so what was the point of living???? The walls are moving in closer. Everything seems to echo. I keep getting those damned flashbacks to when you actually claimed you loved me. I can’t take this shit anymore. More pain… more drugs… God this is a fucking nightmare. I sit curled up in the corner. My head keeps throbbing… all these people wont quit fucking staring. You walk in the door with her on your arm. I’ve made my decision. I’ll die…you’ll watch.

you sit there and tell me that youll support me 100% of the way, you sit back and tell me i can do anything i want, you sit back and tell me your so frigging proud of everything i do, then you turn around and tell me how much of a dissapointment i am, you stand there and yell that i’m going to fail, you yell that i have issues, im driving myself insane, so dark and so cold and so withdrawn from everythig, messing up my life and pushing everyone away, im weird, im unstable, and i need help. Continue reading →

Sitting alone in the darkend room,i wait for him to come and take me away.The things iv done,i wish i could erase them all,and start over,just like a mistake on a piece of paper…some time’s life does seem as simple as paper.

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Perry was sitting on his bed again, thinking of earlier when the
boys at school threatend to beat him up..
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When it all comes undone. When the blood dripping down your arms and legs and chest and even your feet isn’t enough to suffice the burning in the pit of your stomach. When the doctors can’t put you on enough pills to keep you comfortably sedated without killing you in the process. Continue reading →

I was always the sweet, nice gurl who noone ever cared about. The older i grew, the more pain i endured. Everyone always thought my life was perfect. But no it wasn’t the fairytale everyone thought it was. Continue reading →