vampire as i looked up from her neck blood dripping from my mouth i saw a face staring back oh fuck he found me i left her there half drained running as fast as i could in the other direction knowing he wouldnt catch up but he has his ways of catching you he normally cut around jumping through the window flying through the air i wiped my mouth behind i heard him scream in frustration as he came to the broken window and saw i had jumped my feet hitting the floor i turned and looked his eyes burned into mine then i ran until i found myself in a moonlit park after only having half the feed i need to keep me going i collapsed on a bench breathing hard i bearly heard her approch me looking up i saw a pale face with long blonde hair framing it her eyes were i wonderful shade of green still smiling at me she asked if i was ok nodding i replied yes sitting down next to me and putting her hand on my shoulder i shivered never before had anyone touched me with her intetion before i looked into her eyes seeing my sweaty face mirrored in them i began to laugh at myself looking puzzled she began to get up but the hunger in my made me grab her hand and make her sit back down i apoligised for laughing we began to talk about nothing particular mainly abpt music and style considering we had these things in common then all of a sudden she was leaning toward me as if to kiss me but she grabbed me with a strength i would have never expected then all at once i understood bearing her fangs i let her bite me recoiling she looked into my face i thought of food my fangs appeared she laughed i cant believe it as if i nearly bit you was he chasing you? yes grabbing my hand she said shall we the world is at our feet lets go out and use our time!

i went into a store today, to get new clothes for a family affair. My father will be there, and i dont want him to be. I would rather rip out all my internal organs with my bare hands, dip them in that stuff they pump corpses with, put them back in and sew it up. My step-father will be there too, i dont want him to be either, he has been my step father for almost 7 years now and he still doesnt understand me. Not that i expect him to i dont get him either. But i do understand that in more ways he is more messed up than anyone else in our familiy so we are closer than he will ever know. My other step-family will be there, and i want to tell them that i hate them. I want to grab the mic and scream it to them “this is my goddamn family go the hell away”. But i dont have the right , its not my family, I dont have one. To be a family i belieive that you need to have a certain level of trust and love, and as odd as it seems i dont love them, not any of them. I care for them but i didnt cry at any of anyones funeral and they screamed at me for it. Called me “messed up in the head” and a “perfect little sociopath”. I know better, they are scared of me, scared that they will wake up and i will be on the floor and they will be blamed. I plan on being far, far away when that happens though. I sound self-centered and i dont care right now. I sound like i have delusions of granduer, but i dont. I do know where i stand and what i am and who i am and all the universal bullshit we usualy ask questions to. I dont consider myself depressed, just unusually aware of reality. I have my own crutch of bitterness though to lean on and keep me going long enough to get away. Hobble away and laugh with the pleasure of pain because i can get away. The pain means i am farther away and i will enjoy every minute of it, in fact i hope it kills me, then i will have died of joy. As pathetic as that sounds. Sometimes i crave horrible experiances and depression because i feel like it will make me more aware of the fact that i am human. Lately it feels like i am numb and i float from day to day and i hear screams but i dont really care, i mean i care, but not really. not with a passion, not with the sheer intensity that children feel with, i want to feel, i shrink from human touch and i flee from any sign of frinend ship and i dont know why. my psych evauluation says that not only am i a manic depressive but i am having and identity and sexual preference crises too. oh yeah let me tell you. i feel like mereyl streep out of white oleander. I bought new pants, shoes ,shirt ,skirt, and socks. All of them socialy acceptable. I like the socks the best though, they are blank, so i can take a black sharpie and write whatever the hell i want on them and they wont change, not ever, not untill i want them to. I think i will leave them blank.

death A pain i had never felt before was taking over my body i had no idea he would leave me so soon walking around the rain is beginning to wet my top i dont care the night sparkled which on any other night i would have stopped and marveled at but not tonight no sitting on the nearest bench putting my head in my hands i cried not caring who heard or saw i cried and i cried the darkness became my blanket but it was not a comforting one my newly dyed hair was beginning to run matching my makeup they said he didnt have long but that was a month ago why now someone tell me what about you up there any answers……no i thought not well its just like you to take some one for no reason he was a good person he never did anything wrong now im alone with her AHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK!!!!!!!! as i walked home i realised what i saw laid on that bed will haunt me for the rest of my life i walked into the house and went straight upstairs to my room and put on what ever was in my cd player its turns out to be disturbed down with the sickness i dive to change the track and odd change straight to hallejuiah by jeff buckley sitting on my bed i begin to cry again turning to lay on my bed i leave the song on repeat and cry myself to sleep i was right his face is walking around in my dreams with her laughing at me i know she had some thing to do with it i wake because i feel someone sit on my bed it was him smiling he looked well again he told me to tell her that he was dead and that it wasnt her fault even though he knew i would still blame her he held me in his arms until i stopped crying waking up with i start she was stood over me staring at me red in the face WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU LITTLE SLAG!!!!? DID YOU NOT THINK I WASNT GOING TO FIND OUT HES MY FUCKING HUSBAND!! i didnt know what was going on until she hit me she hit me with such a force i flew into the wall WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME I WANT AN ANSWER!!! she screamed so i shouted back THEY TOLD ME NOT TO TELL YOU SO DID HE HE SAID NOT TO TELL YOU SO YOU COULD FIND OUT FROM THE HOSPITAL! i was lying i hoped he would forgive me for that but i didnt want her to hit me again i began to lose my confidence as she set herself up to hit me again please dont hit me again please i begged of her but i still felt the force of her fist on the less this time when my head made contact with the wall it bled running out i grabbed my coat and bag
i stayed with a friend until the funeral my face was till bruised and i had a scab were my head had bled she glared at me all the way through it when everyone had gone i laid on his grave and cried out of my bag i pulled a razor i pushed it into my skin until the blood passed my arm and was dripping on the mud underneath me i did it again on my other arm it didnt hurt in my blood on his grave stone i wrote while i was still consious i love and please forgive for all what i have done in my lifetime then the darkness became my blanket once more i saw him beconing me towards the light i shook my head i did not deserve it i waited for the ground to spilt as it did i saw him cry into the firey gates of hell i wandered and i shall wander there for all etenity for what i have done!

as we look at each other we judge thou itz usless we do sum love religion sum dont we all r ignorent or stupid u choose jus rem. that when ur stupid itz forever

those called goth or dark or insane need to speak out nt angry but calm make people listen im nt wat those call goth im a person who needz help to them to otherz im ok jus outspoken. we need to stand az one and join and share wat we know to those who dont we need to show we dont judge labelz get no where dont befriend any one just listen dont close the door show them the truth

poetic

looking back on all the memories we had
when we were happy
when we were glad
those are all gone now
all of them lay in the past
all of this happined just way to fast
thoughts of suicide ran through my head
im sorry i tore ur hearts to shreads
those thoughts just wouldnt go away
all day i pray
that some day they will
i try to say im ok
but nothing will ever be the same
they will never go away
in the back of my mind they will always stay
no matter what u will always be my one
even if i take my life by a gun
ur my everything and i love u
together we will always be
in a memory deep within me
and if i take my life today
we will meat in heaven again someday

poetic

a razor blade in my hand
i try t oput it on my wrist
but all my thoughts r in a twist
do i want to die
or do i wana stay alive and cry
something is stoping me
something wont let me be
i hear a knock at my door
i jump and it slips
huge gashes r in my wrist
i try to scream
i try to shout
but nothing will come out
i fell to the floor
my friends walked in my door
they started to cry
they saw i was about to die
i opened my eyes and saw them standin over me
and as my life started to fade away
i relized wat it was
wat was holding me back
and i no that its a fact
it was them it was my friends

As I look around at others around me, I wonder if they feel as bleak and as dark as I do. Do they give up what I’m not willing to? Even those who are dressed in bright colors. Costums come in many shades. Even those that seem happy have a story to tell. Some are sappy some are crappy, it’s all the same. But what do they give up for that happiness? It’s not as if a sacrifice comes just with being unhappy. It can escourt the bordomn from one sichuwation to another.

I do know that for what it’s worth, I won’t sell out and sacrifice myself for the sake of those you aren’t me and would like me more if I were fake. Those people don’t even know me. But who really knows anyone? If I have to sacrifice myself to be happy, I rather be miserable, it’s just too high a price that I am not willing to pay. No one should have to pay it, because it will only make us hollow in the end. And how happy could that possiblely make someone?

Then people wonder why I am so angery about how people work things. High School is a popularity contest and it dosen’t get much better once you get out. Eveyone is always looking for the biggest the brightest and the best. There would be no best without the worst, and likeable without the unlikeable. Why not be grateful for what is rarely seen and blossoms when no one is watching? Because your not seeing the best and brightest when your not watching. It’s those that seem interesting that aren’t , because a mask always hides and interests.

Agree or Disagree:
A) Agree
B)disagree
C)All of the above
D)none of the above
E)I’M CONFUSED!!!

(poetic )

the rain softly pitter pattering

slowly drip drip driping

wash away my soul

my soul left unclean

broken

the rain it stops with the rip rocketing

whorly gigs of sunlight

pouring down

on me

banana nut bread legs and

salminella eyes

im wasteing threw life

crazy

the beach boat trees and

the sticky pine

the long stem roses and the

wine

hudinies palace a bird on my wings

i , life not worth living

wasted dreams

slowly falling from the sky

the fuzzy wuzy deaths

the life long wonderings of myth

grounded

beat up old car black leather guitar

the spinning of the the chrome

watch as i go

slam

hiphoplers an dipdopelers

beeping along

the whippings of my soul

focus

smoke risingsoftly from

a forgotten book

the edges are torn

you wont

look

Red Red blood on

alabaster skin a

canyon of vein

i begin

the liquorish air of the hospital room

he sits there drowning in gloom

watch him as he goes

sailing

peach clouds and beetles tunes

the trla la of a song

my life forgotten

song

flipper flater pitter pater

whipping whiple winds

life on the edge life behind

freedom

cotton candy lips sing song drips

bounce bounce bounce of balloons

the baby that trips the bleeding

lips

bright bright world

lovey dovey curls

the threaded finger of two

hands

the love of two babies

the san Francisco hippie

the sun goddess and the eddy

baby

the darkness of two hands

one mouth two throats

wishing on a fallen star

hopeless

the golden light

the death on night

the sorrow of my heart

dieing

dieing

dieing

dieing with out a cause or purpose

darkness

vampire/erotica

After working my evening shift and getting home, the thought of food came upon me. I didn’t have much in my apartment for food, but luckily, I had a five dollar bill on hand, so I figured why not just walk around the corner to Taco Bell? I decided to change into some black clothes so I would be harder to spot by any unwanted company. Since it was early summer in Texas, I threw on some black slacks, a tank top, and my favorite arm warmers.
As I walked down the street behind the small apartment complex, I had a strange feeling that I was being watched from up above me.
Upon entering the restaurant, I ordered what I normally order, sat down and ate. After a well-enjoyed meal, I figured I should head home to sleep, even though I didn’t have to go to work the next day.
As I started to pass behind the complex again, the same feeling of being watched came over me again. This time though, it didn’t come from above. It came from behind the plants which grew behind the building. When I looked and saw a pair of red eyes, I knew I was in for some trouble. A man of about six feet came out, who looked as if he were about 35 years old with long blond hair, staring straight at me with those fiery red eyes.
“Come and be mine forever,” he said to me as his eyes started to glow. I somehow felt I was in some sort of trance as I walked toward him, somewhat unwillingly. He took me into one arm, and with the other hand pulled out a knife with about a 5 inch blade and stabbed me in the side of my back, which pulled me out of his spellbinding trance. As I yelled in pain, I heard another voice call out “Stop it, Dorian! Leave her alone.”
Upon hearing the voice, we both looked to see another man who looked about 20, around 5′7″ with hair that was much darker and shorter and a pair of mesmerizing ice-blue eyes. At first glance, I looked right into his eyes and a strange feeling overcame me as my heart began to race more than it did before, like he was someone I was searching for my whole life.
At that moment, Dorian clamped his arm in front of me and held the blade to my neck.
“You’re a fool to interfere, Ciaran.”
“I won’t let you hurt her, especially by making her your eternal slave.”
As I heard this, I thought, ‘Eternal slave? Are they vampires?’
“Hah”, Dorian started up again. “Your infatuation with her makes you weak, as well as your reluctance to feed on mortals. You can’t hope to stop me from doing what I will.”
I looked into Ciaran’s eyes again, and I could tell that Dorian was telling the truth about him. His eyes were filled with desperation as he looked at me, contemplating what to do.
I suddenly remembered that Dorian’s long coat had not been closed, offering a fairly easy target. I took my booted foot and swiftly hit his groin, which caused him to double over and drop his knife. Ciaran took it as an opportunity to get away.
“Come with me,” he begged. I did as he wished, wanting to get away from Dorian. We ran around the corner to the Chicken Express, where Ciaran’s car was waiting. Not bad, I thought, a black Contour Sport. He didn’t have to tell me to get in. As we drove off, I saw a dark figure round the corner, and I knew it was Dorian, no mistake. He quickly began pursuit, and I watched in amazement as he jumped on top of and across buildings. He tried a quick leap of faith towards the car, but Ciaran quickly changed lanes so he could not reach us. As we continued, I watched as he lay in the middle of the road for a minute, obviously in some great deal of pain. Silence took up a few minutes of the drive, then I finally managed “What is going on? Why are the two of you fighting over me?” No answer.
“Dammit, answer me!”
Still nothing from him. After about ten minutes and several turns, we finally pulled into the Stonehenge-looking area in the park near my house. He sighed after shutting off the engine, then finally, “I’m sure you’ve figured out by now that we’re vampires. I’ve been watching you from afar for about a month now. When I first saw you, I was mesmerized by not only your beauty, but by your soul as well. Not a pure soul, but not an evil one either. I wanted so much to be with you, to cherish you forever. Unfortunately, Dorian has been watching you as well, for about a week. He doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings or lives. All he cares about is fulfilling his lust for sex and blood. When I found out he was going after you, I couldn’t sit back and let him harm you as I’ve seen him do to so many others. I had to protect you, because,” he hesitated, “I love you, Devona. I know it sounds awkward, since you don’t know me very well, but it’s the truth. I love you very much, and I will do anything and everything to protect you.”
As I gazed into his eyes, there was no doubt in my mind whatsoever that he was being true to his heart in everything he said. My heart raced half in astonishment at his story, half in desire of his love. We drew in to kiss each other, but were interrupted by a massive blade stabbing into the roof of the car right in between us. It was pulled out shortly, and quickly reentered the roof, stabbing Ciaran in the shoulder. He let out a cry of horrible pain before the blade was drawn out again, and through the holes, I could see Dorian, the blade sticking out of his sleeve. He jumped off the car on the passenger side, pulled the door off, and grabbed my arm, yanking me out and holding me with his arm again. Ciaran quickly got out of the car to confront his opponent so intent on getting his way.
“Give it up, Ciaran. She’s mine!”
I watched a stream of blood run down Ciaran’s right arm as he reached into his coat. We looked into each other’s eyes, each with both desperation and a quick plan. I gave Dorian another swift kick, watching him double over again as I backed away. Ciaran pulled the knife that Dorian had dropped earlier that night and gave him a quick stab in the heart, turning the blade while it was buried in his chest. At that, Dorian knew his life had ended as he collapsed to the ground.
“Are you all right, Devona?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
I could see that Ciaran looked fairly weak, as he was having trouble standing.
“Lie down, Ciaran,” I ordered. He did so and I removed the coat from his right arm. The cut in his shoulder was incredibly deep, and I knew he would die if I didn’t do anything. I suddenly remembered the black bandana I slipped into my pocket before I left the house. ‘That should work’ I thought to myself, pulling the bandana out of my pocket and tying it around his shoulder. I saw that he had either gone to sleep or gone unconscious, but hopefully, he would be okay. Exhausted myself, I fell asleep right next to him.
Maybe four or five hours later, Ciaran woke me.
“You okay, Devona?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. You?”
“I’ll live.”
Looking up at the sky, I could see the morning sky start to light up in shades of violet and some slight pink. Ciaran looked toward the east and gained a slight fear.
“Sunrise.”
“Get in the car, Ciaran. I’ll drive.”
He quickly tossed me the keys without question and we got in. Best bet was to head back to my place, since it was very close. When we arrived, I could see the sky was getting a little brighter. I unlocked my door, got him inside, and quickly closed and locked the door back. Main room still wasn’t a safe bet though, so I guided him to the bathroom. After getting him in there, I grabbed a pillow and my flashlight/lantern. He’d be in there a while, might as well make it somewhat comfortable. I headed back in, pulling the door shut and placing a towel at the bottom, so as not to let any sunlight in.
“Why not just turn on the light?” he asked.
“The switch is on the outside of the door. That and I’m more comfortable in the dark anyway.”
He gave me a small smile as I placed the pillow on the edge of the shower stall and took off my arm warmers after we both took our shoes and socks off.
“Thank you,” he finally said after a minute of silence.
“Anytime.”
We smiled at each other before sharing a loving and passionate kiss. Small at first, then our tongues danced with each other as he laid me down on the pillow. We held each other as our kisses filled us with such passion. He slid a hand down and began to caress one of my breasts gently, but enough to make me breathe heavier. The other hand came down and did the same, both for a minute before he slid his hands down lower and lifted my shirt off. More caressing followed before I slid his coat and shirt off him and he took my bra off. He slid down and sucked on each of my nipples before coming back up to kiss my lips and caress my breasts again. His hands slid down again, this time to undo my pants and slide those off. I did the same with his as we continued to kiss each other. Still in our underwear, I could feel his hardened penis pressing up against me before he removed my panties. Likewise, I removed his underwear to reveal him as he started to kiss my neck. He stopped for a moment, looked into my hazel eyes with a mix of desperation and desire in his eyes of ice-blue, and “I love you” were his words. I responded with my own “I love you.” I thought it somewhat odd after only one night, but it was the truth, no doubt in my mind or my heart.
“Will you stay with me for eternity?”
“Yes,” I replied, appreciative of his concern for my feelings. I knew what he was asking, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to be with him.
He gave a bigger smile than before, then lowered his head to continue kissing my lips as he started to tease and play with my clit, making me breathe heavier again. After a couple of minutes, his penis entered me, filling me with both pain and pleasure. His thrusts were fairly slow, but hard, causing us both to breathe heavier than before as I wrapped my legs around him. He continued thrusting harder while still kissing me deeply on the lips. Then his pace quickened slightly, making us start to moan. He sped up a little more so we moaned louder, even through our kisses. His pace increased a third time, both of us nearly reaching our climaxes. Slowing his pace a bit, he then thrust even harder, making me yell out in such painful pleasure it could not be contained. In this high point, he began to kiss my neck again. I started to feel him nibble as we both hit our climaxes and he cummed, then I felt him sink his teeth into me. I could only gasp from lack of breath, feeling my heart rate slow and my body go cold as I was being drained of my blood. I became weak, nearly fainting as he pulled away to look at me. It took a couple minutes for me to come to my senses. I could feel my newly grown fangs in my mouth, and then I looked back into his love-filled eyes.
“Thank you.”
I just smiled and said “Anytime” quietly as he looked in my eyes.
“Such an eerie yellow, yet so intriguing.”
I could tell he was talking about my eyes through which I could see much better now. We kept staring into each other for a minute, then shared one final kiss before slipping into a deep sleep in each other’s arms.

Deep inside, I am crying
Deep inside, I am dying
The tears I shed, hurt me less
Than the thoughts, inside my head
The blood runs down
My pale white face
I’m going to, another place
I am falling, darkness spreads
Down I go, into shreds

My tears are so few
Just because I’m here with you
Please don’t leave me, please don’t go
Otherwise, I’ll overflow
With the blood, from my head
Goodbye….I’m dead
This is what, you could hear
If you do, leave me tears
Once you say, you don’t love me
I’ll be dead, and it’ll be bloody
With a knife in my back, and a bullet in my head
See I told you, now I’m dead

My tears are full, of pain and sorrow
They always will be, today and tomorrow
Not one day, will there be
That I wouldn’t want, to drop down on my knees
And slit my wrists to cure the pain
And wash them all, down the drain
I loved you so; you’re not to shame
I only have me to blame

Natures way of saying “fuck you”
Is killing off everything you love
Twisting all your thought into nightmares
Dinner is no longer made for you
No, it is made through you
You are dinner now
Ready to be bought by big compaines
Ready to be their whore of damnnation
You are their salesperson now
With your youthful face you sell millions
At first grey hair however
They will cast you back into the machine
Hope that some younger, better you arrives
Instead you come back worse than before
So they lay you down on the bed of nails they call retirement
Now your life consists of waiting on the mailman
Waiting for your retirement fund check
Finally it has come
Open…empty nothing inside
This is Bush
Bush is god
Worship the bush
All Hail Bush
Thank you mr. Bush for your “terra”

(Poetic)
The sweet scent of longing
lingers on your skin
as I run my fingers up your biceps,
intricately placing my hands at your shoulders.
With a smile, you place a death grip at my waist.
Kicking out your leg, we begin a waltz
and I follow your lead, just like a ragdoll,
with my rosy cheeks,
crimson lips,
soft, inviting eyes.
We take centerstage,
we take the spotlight dance.
The heat of the crowd’s eyes is on us
but as soon as they gasp in awe,
you turn away from this reality,
throwing me upon a dusty rocking chair.
My red yarn hair tangles in cobwebs.
Slowly draining are my rosy cheeks,
crimson lips,
soft, inviting eyes.
Silently, you lock the door
and I slump over in my seat, just like a ragdoll,
anticipating my use, once again.

His touch was sensational; his fingers were so smooth, I have never imagined, it would go that far.

I came into his room, wearing a black rope, he looked straight at me wondering what am I up to tonight, he knew why was I there, he knew how much I wanted this so bad.
I gently took my black rope off. He was the first man I revealed myself to.
I stood there undressed, looking at him with desire, waiting for his warm touch, wanting him so bad.

He came toward me, looked deep into my eyes, and ran his hands through my hair. “You’re so beautiful,” he said putting his hands on my waist. I can tell he was nervous. His eyes were not sure whether to move along or stay still.

I touched his neck craving for more of his love. His lips were so warm as they touched mine; the softness of his lips was luscious.

He grasped my leg firmly and laid it around him, his artistic hand was playing around which made my feelings stronger, I moaned, as I wanted him inside of me so bad. His blue oceanic warm eyes looked right into mine, “you are never going to regret this” he whispered, “regret? Regret what? What is this suppose to refer to?” I thought to myself, and soon forgotten everything, I’ve forgotten all the pain I had in my past life, all the suffer I went through, I have forgotten that once I was just a breeze of wind that nobody cared about. Only the thoughts of him were inside of me, the thoughts of love and beauty, the thoughts of the very first time we held hands, the thoughts of black roses that were on my mother’s stoned grave. The soreness of my life was fading away every time he touches me.

He held me tight next to him, and placed my hand on his chest. His heart was beating so fast, I couldn’t believe how much pleasure I have given him when it was just my first time. “I love you, Shawn” I said reaching for his face, he smiled and looked away “look! The candle melted completely,” he said pointing at the candle that he lightened before I came in. “I have always been longing for this, and I cant believe that’ is already over” I Said looking at him.

He looked so peaceful “what is he dreaming of?” I thought. “How many 15 year old girls go through such experience?”

So he is small and petite but at least he’s neither an elf nor a giant, not even a stonehearted person . He is centered, sophisticated and down to earth. He is someone like me, truly like me.

I now came to a point where I knew that my feelings for him were a little more than lust.

death

As i sit watching the blood realse itzself i relax telling miself that itz time im finally live az mi friend slicez her wrist open we lie next to eachother smiling az i look and her nude body she stopz breathing thou ive been bleeding mi blood for hourz she diez az i wait for mi time mi parentz walked five dayz later i go to her funeral wishing it waz me dead az i walk in the door of mi home i look @ mi lil sis and neice and mi brotherz az mi parentz call me into their room they show me paper work for a fucking cyk ward the say that itd be good b/c i lost mi one and only friend and the finally found out i waz a cutter (ive cut since i waz 8 and now im almost 15) they apologize for nt being there and the day they sent me off i came to reality that i just want mi story told i waz in teh ward for 3 weekz nothing changed except mi life waz gone that i saw mi love die in mi bed and now im alone writting mi life on a web site that i come close to fit in with az mi life iz consumed with death i look around and tell mi self that i will be known and hope that ill know mi self by then and beable to say im truely happy itz time to come to reality..

Poetic

Lying to myself i say
“i’ll try yo live, just one more day”
as the rain falls in sheets outside
the blade and the pale skin of my wrist collide

trying not to cry
i pull the blade away
i look down at scratches barely deep enough to bleed
and i think to myself…

this should be easy for me
to guide the knife across my wrist,
send myself to eternal bliss
but i can’t do it

it’s just not fair
i want to bleed
i want to see it flow from me
and with it my problems and regrets will leave
memories of you would fade
and i would finally be happy, thanks to a blade
but like life death is cruel and you must wait your turn

how long can u last under pressure? how long can u deal with the pain and stress of life? of being the strange odd one people stare at… She couldnt cope. She did whatever it took to get away,She had to run. Parents, friends, complete strangers could do nothing for Her, She wa determined to be gone, as She tightened the Rope round Her neck and took the leap from the ledge….She ended her life the way they all hope She wouldnt. How i wish i has that bravery, determination..i look at my scars and just wish for the strength to push harder and harder…next time will be my throat. No mistakes.

Darkness - Surrounding me, covering me, complete black
The blade sinks deeper into my wrist and i think about my eternal freedom, ny eternal life, eternal darkness. I can’t wait as the blade goes deeper n the life i hated comes to an end.

Vampire
It was a warm summer night. Jessica started walking down a dark, damp alley way. She felt a gentle tap on her shoulder. Turning around to find no one, she got the chills as a breeze blew through the alley. Turning back around to finish her walk, she unexecptly bumped into someone. She jumping slighty off the ground from the shock.
“Oh my god!” Jessica yelped. “Oh, it’s only you Jack. Don’t ever do that again you scared the crap out of me.” She put her hand over her heart for a second and took two deep breaths.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to.” Jack set his hand on Jessica’s shoulder pulling her some what closer. “Want to come walk with me?”
Jessica sighed and whispered in his ear, “Not tonight. I have to go to work tomorrow.”
Jack backed away and tilted his head back looking towards the sky and pausing for a minute. Looking back down at Jessica and hugging her. “We never hang out anymore, I’m begining to think you don’t want to be my friend.” Jack giggled just barely.
“Now you know thats not true. I’ve already skipped alot of work to hang out with you and if I miss anymore I’ll be fired. Make you a deal, stop scaring me and I’ll hangout with you next friday. Hows that?” Jessica step closer and stared into Jack’s dark blue, almost black eyes.
“Alright, I guess, even though i think you should quit you know I’d take of you. Anyway I’ll talk to you tomorrow. ” Jack kissed her soft cheek with his touchably, perfect lips. He started walking in the opposite direction of the way Jessica was going. She turned and watch him walk around the corner. Sighing, Jessica walked on home.
She put in the key, unlocked the door and walked in flippng the light switch on. Jessica walk to the living room and sat down on the window seal bed and staring out the window. Yawning, she fell fast asleep while thinking about Jack and all the time they have spent together through out the years. She had always been in love wiht him and the idea of her quiting work and letting Jack take care of her didn’t sound to bad.
Next friday seemed to come very quickly for Jessica. Finally meeting Jack at club Lanorise she decided to finally take that walk with him before going in. Jack held Jessica closely as they walked passed club Lanorise. The music pounding so heavy in their heads, you couldn’t hear a thing execpt for the deep goth music. Stepping into alley way by the club and sitting down. She loved being with Jack no matter where they were.
“Do you believe in vampires?”
“What kind of a question is that Jack?”
“Well do you?”
“No.”
Hugging Jessica tightly and standing up Jack pulled Jessica with him. “I want you to meet some of my friends that just moved here.”
“Alright.” Jessica could never say no to Jack. After about 15 minutes of walking they stopped. Jack slowly leaned down kissing Jessica and she couldn’t refuse the chance to kiss him even if it was in the middle of a crowded street.
“I thought you didn’t like me?”
“Shutup.”
Jack gentle started kissing Jessica’s neck. It felt he was giving her a hicky until the she felt two fang like things started to bite into her neck.
“God stop it that! That hurt what the hell were you trying to do?”
“Sorry that was in accident. Where almost there, come on.”
This time they started running. (where are we going?). Stopping at anbandoned warehouse. The darkness and the boarded up windows gave Jessica the creeps. “Were not going in there are we?”
“Of course we are.” Hearing a scream coming from inside Jessica pulled away. Jack grabbed Jessica’s arm and with one swift tug pulled her inside.

standing there, in your arms
i know i’m safe ,from all harm
you kissed all the tears from my face
you held me in endless embrace
my heart is beating just for you
i will love you until the end of time
and in the moment you said you were mine
i knew i was blessed
i love you with all of my heart
and i’ve known from the very start
from the first time that you touched my face
you have been my angel, fallen from grace

Darkness

As a child we are always afraid of the dark, we are afraid because we cannot see whether or not something unwanted is near, it’s human instinct. Even now in this day and age adults and children alike are afraid of what they cannot see, but it is particually adults who fear what they cannot comprehend.

Sometimes i find comfort in the darkness, perhaps its based on the idea that you cannot fear something you cannot see. I use to see the darkness as hiding something that i didn’t want, or need to see. Now, once again, I’m reverting to my childhood fear. This particular time in my life gives me the feeling that I am, in fact, being left in the dark by all those I love and hold close to my heart.

I see it as follows………… so here I am, I’m surrounded by people, the people who care for, they are illuminated and they can show me when danger is approaching, they can warn me from making fatal steps, they are circled around me, I am in the centre. But this is not how it is any more. those people have gradually been creeping backward into the depths of this place. And I am alone. Left in the dark. The darkness is so complete that i cannot tell whether or not my eyes are closed, I’m so scared of hidden threats that will silently crawl towards me. I cannot take steps foward just incase I am moving towards something morbidly malevolent that is bent on sadistic action. Utterly alone. I have no idea whats going on around me, I am unaware if it is true silence or deafness that causes the lack of sound. I’m terrified and theres no-one to comfort me, no wall to stand against, no corner to hide in. Out in the open unprepared for attack, like a rabbit running blind from a fox. a predator may be always there, hidden and always watching. I don’t know. Worst of all i do not know if anybody is out there, or if anyboby will ever find me here, alone in the black lonliness. Or perhaps I’ll just fade and become the darkness, become a peccant phantom. maybe I’ll just whither and die without ever knowing if they ever cared and why they left.

So here I stand. Left in the dark.

you sit at lunch by yourself and my friends make fun of you.
about how you look and whats become of you.
they call you ugly and make so many jokes about you.
i want to help you but i dont want them to laught at me too.
i know how you feel when you hear us laugh.
but you dont know that i once had what you have.
you have an apperance no one likes to see.
so do i but mine is inside of me.
i swallowed the ugly on my face and put it in my heart.
a heart that is now breakin and will soon fall apart.
so when you hear us laugh i want you to know that none of us are happy with ourselfs and never will be. if theres any one you want to kill for being ugly…then kill me.
my deepest apologies.

So most of you know that I have some strange dreams….and as most of you know, alot of them involve sex.
well last night i had the weirdest dream…i dont know who it was about…but I’ve seen him before, and i think i know him.
but the dream felt so real it was like it was happening. I think it may happen…
i wrote this about the dream, it sounds like one of those erotic stories from this site…but here it is:

“Dreaming of a Sexual Encounter”
The cut on your face
Deep and red
The sticky, sweet blood
Dripping down
I pull you close
I lick your wound
It tastes so good
Your perfect skin
Still intact
No longer flawless
My lips meet yours
You taste my ecstasy, your blood
I lay me down, next to you
The look in your eyes
The touch of your hand
The taste of your blood
The feeling of your kiss
Your hands at my neck
Touching softly, choking
I feel you wanting me
Biting your lip
Pulling you close
I feel you inside me
But only in dreams…

Vampire.

I could feel his presence reaching out to my desires. Everything I wanted he had, as well as everything I needed.
The elevator bell rang as I reached the main floor. Merith reached for me as I began to lose consciousness. Why was he here? He was suppose to meet me at the airport. “Manuel, quickly her bags.” His tone caressed me. I was swept up into his firm grasp and cradled against his chest. My bags carried ahead of me and tucked away in the trunk of a sleek black vehicle.
“I know I was to meet you at the airport, but I felt I needed to be here.”
As I looked up into Merith’s sincere eyes, I lost focus to a shadow behind him. He was there, peering down on me from the window. His eyes spoke of a pain so horrible I wanted to go to him, and comfort him.
Merith gently slid into the back of the car with me still huddled in his arms. I began to get dizzy again and felt the darkness ceasing me. With the last of my strength, I draped my arms around his neck, “Merith please don’t ever leave me. I…I need you.” My voice smoothed out as a whisper, and my eyelids hid my soul.

…

Manuel guided us back to my loft. I constantly checked Miara’s breathing, scared to lose her. She was so fragile at times, but she was so strong in spirit. Her beauty was so captivating, no wonder he wanted her. No wonder I wanted her. I kissed her lips softly and dragged my fingers across her cheek. I vowed never to leave her.
We arrived at my loft, and I stepped carefully out of the car.
“Manuel, you are the most loyal of men, I thank you dearly.” He nodded towards me with utmost understanding. “Could you please carry her bags to my room, and make sure all is secure?” I begged with urgency.
“Of course sir, I will do all that I can.”
We shuffled hurriedly in the elevator and I waited impatiently. The dark oak walls seemed so confining. When the door opened I sighed with relief and rushed towards the door. Manuel opened the door with several different keys and I immediately headed for the bedroom. Manuel placed her bags near the closet and attended to our security. I tied back the curtains from my canopy bed, and layed her gently upon the puffy sheets. I removed her shoes and tucked her under the blanket. I anxiously removed my clothes and climbed in beside her, holding her firmly against me. He would not touch her. Not this night, not ever.

poetic
Footsteps fading in the snow
Children not knowing where to go
THere they are standing still
Footsteps fading in the snow.

Children not knowing where to go
so they start to play in the snow
The creatures of the night come out in dark
When the scurrying critters and hooting starts
Children not knowing where to go

There they are standing still
Heavy winds chilling, new snow falling
Children blowing all around
Theres a blizzard, they can’t stay on ground.
Freeze to death, in the cold air of the night
There they are standing still

Footsteps fading in the snow
Children don’t need to know where to go
THey are burried in a blizzard blanket
Frozen to death, never to get lost again
No creatures around to unbury the dead
There are no children wondering where to go
Footsteps fading in the snow.

poetic

Choke on your shallow pride
drown in your deep conceit
cry lonely tears
grow on your misery

why try so hard to make a difference
when in the end, we’ll all be dead
the reason why, we try and try
is because we can’t give up five minutes before the miracle

what if in five minutes you get hit by a car
run over by a stampede, or die of a diesease?

Work until the last second, no reason to have fun.
all your friends are gone. family disowned.
you tried too hard to be perfect,
didn’t take enough time out to love… to be loved.

Now you’re caught in a superficial shallow world, where only the perfect exsist.
you think you are there, but you are transparent
No one is perfect, not even you, nut you keep on trying until you grow weak.
at some point you faint, and while the tears aren’t dripping out your eyes,
you realize, and whisper “I’m already dead”.

poetic
Put on a mask hide your face
play a character, so you’re not out of place
Doleful, morose, miserable, tortured
these feelings won’t matter once you wear the mask of comedy.

Put on a mask hide your face
Play a character so you’re not out of place
You have a tear dripping down your cheek
That tear won’t show once you wear the mask of comedy

Put on a mask hide your face
Play a character so you’re not out of place
scared to death you know you’re going to die
With all this occuring you should remove the mask of comedy, and don the mask of tradgedy.

::snip, snip:: the scissor moves slowly across the paper, as she cuts out the eyes, nose, and lips out of the face in the magazine. “Too perfect” she whispers. Her magazines are all cut out, so you can’t see the faces of any of the models. “If I can’t be like that, niether can they!” ::snip, snip, snip:: the scissors move faster, cutting out the perfectly shaped eyebrows. “Anastasia!” her mother yells. “I’m coming down soon mother…” she sighs. “You have to go to school!” as the mother yells once more. Anastasia gets up off the floor, slips into her velvet dress. She walks over to the table where all her make-up is, sits down at the chair, looks into the mirror and thinks what’s the point, they all know, and they’ll just think of something else to say if they see me trying to coverup in make-up again.

*In school
“Just walk with your face down, let your hair fall in your face, it covers all the bruises, the scars.” Anastasia mumbles to herself.

*Flash Back
“Do you think I’m pretty?” “You are beautiful.” ::BANG:: The sound of a bullet shooting out of a gun. “AVERICK!” ::sobs::

*Back in present
“That’s when I started beating myself, scapling out skin from my face, I didn’t want any one else to say I was beautiful. Those were the last words he said to me, and they were precious, but now, I went too far. I lost all the positive thoughts I had about myself. Why did he have to die? I should have done something, but what could I do?” Anastasia just starts telling the whole story to herself. A girl comes up and says, “What a freak… why are you talking to yourself? It’s obvious you aren’t talking to anyone else, because all you can hear is mumbling.” Anastasia just looks down and walks away. She leaves the school before it’s even over. She walks to the abandoned parking lot where her and Averick last saw eachother. They went there all the time. No one ever went there, there was no reason to. There were no sites around for people to need a place to park. However, it was quiet and peaceful, and they were never bothered. Then how did Averick get shot if no one was around to pull the trigger. This mystery was never solved. Not many people even cared that he died, he didn’t socialize, and Anastasia was his only friend. There was no reason not to like him, he was intelligent and handsome. He was caring and thoughtful, open-minded, and he was no where near racist. He’s someone that could have been a role model if he had lived, if he made more friends. Anastasia couldn’t blame him for not wanting to make friends with the people in school, most of them were close-minded, and materialized. A tear rolled down Anastasia’s face as she thought of all the amazing times they shared and the time they first met. “Well, well, well, after three years you’ve finally returned.” said a voice. “What?! Who are you? How do you know how long it’s been since I last came her?!” “You look much different now, more then I expected. You used to be gorgeous. I secretly loved you, I was jealous of Averick, you two liked eachother, and I would never be able to match up with him. If I couldn’t have you, no one would! Averick wasn’t the one who was supposed to die, you were. I studied the side you always stood on, so I finally brought a gun one day. However you were on the otherside that day. I was so eager to shoot, that the bullet hit him instead of you. After all these years, I’ve been waiting for you to return. I slept in a tent, the only time I left was to go get food from my house. I had someone deliver the products there. Luckily, my house is only five minutes away by bike. I’ve been waiting for you, only you.” The voice finished the story of what happened. “Averick wasn’t supposed to die.” She was too shocked to cry, her face was expressionless. ::BANG::

She’s the only thing that sticks with me,
She’s the only things that can truly see
She’s the only one who know’s how it feels
She’s the only one who never seems to be scared of me.
She’s the only it, who can never leave.

Where is she? Who is she?
she’s in the mirror, She is me.
She’s a reflection, that never tends to smile
She’s an image, that only a mirror can clearly see.

If she could, she would certainly leave
If she could, she would turn blind, optionally.
If she could, she would fight back against the pain.
She is scared, but doesn’t show, the fright she gained for me.
She wants, she does, she slyly escapes from me.

Every cut, every opening, she seeps out, trying to leave.
She lost her faith in me. Her reflection fades, as part of her dies
Since we are the same, she is me, I am her.
She starts to painfully cry, as we slowly die.