1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as thoughholding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on both sides ofcat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to its cheeks. When cat opens up,pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat process.3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm ,holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pillto back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten,if you are able. Hold cat’s mouth closed as well.5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged between knees, immobilizling frontand rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat’s head firmly with one handwhile forcing wooden ruler into cat’s throat. Flick pill down rulerwith forefinger, and rub cat’s throat vigorously.7. Retrieve cat from living-room curtain valance.8. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set them asidefor later gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap.9. Wrap cat in beach towel and ask assistant to lie prone on cat withcat’s head visible under asistant’s armpit. Put pill in end of papertube you,ve made for this purpose. Then force cat’s mouth open with apencil, and blow.10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water totake taste away. Apply bandage to assistant’s forearm, and remove bloodfrom carpet with soap and cold water.11. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s roof.12. Telephone your veterinarian. Or better still, drop your cat, alongwith a generous donation, at an animal shelter and buy yourself a coupleof goldfish.