a day in the life of lizz i

I get home and dad’s already gone out, to the pub probably, or to the off-licence. It’s not unusual, he’s normally pretty drunk by lunchtime anyway. Doesn’t bother me, if he wants to do it then that’s fine. I mean I’m not really any different with taking drugs. My father is the one person I despise most in the world, and yet it seems I am turning into him. Strange how things work out.

I got up to my room and empty the contents of my bag out of the bed. My LSD tabs are right at the bottom and I stuff them down the back of my bed, just in case. There’s no way of telling if and when my dad might suspect something. It’s unlikely but still, just in case.
I turn on my CD-player and put a CD on repeat, then I lay down on my bed and try to have a sleep, well not so much a sleep, more of a coma. I can’t go on like this for much longer. My heads so messed up and I’m so scared. I miss my mum and I miss Ben. I don’t know what to do.
The tabs are in my hand and I’ve taken two, maybe? Three? I’ve lost count. My head hurts and I can’t see straight. I’m flat on my back and the whole room is spinning, some kids outside are yelling but everything’s going to fast, everything’s wrong and out of control. What’s wrong with me, what’s happening, this is all wrong. It’s all gone wrong.

I can’t sleep and I don’t mean just because I’m having the worst acid trip in history. Things keep going through my head and I don’t know what half of it means. I’m just so confused and nothing is making any sense. The only thing that seems clear is that my whole life is spinning out of control and I’m helpless to stop it. The drugs, the self-harm, the loneliness, it’s all part of me and yet completely separate at the same time. Why is this happening to me? Couldn’t someone else have my dysfunctional family, my dysfunctional life? I cant live with this anymore. I cant live. Everything’s gone so wrong.

The knife is on my dresser. Glinting at me in the moonlight. Encouraging me, like I did to the bullies at school. Well this would certainly get some attention.
The steel is cold, so cold on my wrists. I can feel the heat of my blood as it runs down my arm. It feels like I’ve got blood everywhere, I’ve even got blood seeping out of my eyes or are they tears? I can’t tell the difference anymore that’s what it’s been like ever since I was a kid, blood and tears. What a mess, what a total, bloody mess. Now both my wrists are bleeding, I feel like I’m crying crimson tears. There’s one single scratch above the angel on my stomach. Funny, I don’t remember doing that. Funny. Nice choice of word for the situation well done.

I can hear the song lyrics in the background “I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard, Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everybody can see these scars”. I have my eyes open but all I can see is darkness, I have my hands open but all I can feel is air. All I can hear is the song lyrics then the sound of footsteps on the stairs, my dads voice calling my name, the door opening. The songs carries on “I can’t feel the way I did before, Don’t turn your back on me, I won’t be ignored, Time won’t heal this damage anymore, Don’t turn your back on me, I won’t be ignored”
I can hear my dad whispering my name, crying, sorry dad but its too little too late. You had better be waiting for me Ben, you’d better be there. I look around again and it’s still dark, but one thing stands out all too clearly. I thought the world had turned its back on me, but now I can see that I turned my back on the world. Now it’s too late.
I can still hear my dad crying and feel his tears falling on my exposed stomach. I can still feel the air on my skin and hear the words of the song “Don’t turn your back on me, I won’t be ignored”. Maybe if I’d had the courage to say that, things would have been better.
But now it’s too late.