no one ever quite understands. you write something and someone reads it; you get weird reactions. they assume that you are messed up in the head and really have no clue whats going on around you. when actually, you understand more than almost anyone else.
you analyze things to much. you see deeper than whats on the surface. simple things aren’t so simple to you. your thoughts scare you. sometimes you cant tell dreams from reality and other times you know it’s reality, but you can’t help but keep wishing it was a dream. you used to get your hopes up to high or maybe it’s better to say that it wasn’t that you got your hopes up to high, it was that people around you let you down to much. you don’t believe in much of anything any more and nothing’s really important to you. you think people who believe that dreams and wishes come true are stupid, though you told me i was different when i said i believed in them. i think deep down you wish that things like that could happen, but you know all to well that more often than not there is no beautiful fairy tale ending. you’ve gone though a lot. most of which you really didn’t deserve. you are the strongest person i know. you’ve stood though more storms than i could ever imagine. most of the poeple you care about have died. it has made it hard for you to open up to people and you don’t believe me any more when i say that some people do care about you, but i guess you have some good reasons for not wanting to believe me. i was always a pretty negative person, but i still tried to look on the bright side at times. watching you go though things has made it harder for me to do so. i’m not saying that this is a bad thing. you just sort of helped me relize more things about life. i have had friends and close people die, but somewhere in the depths of my mind things just keep playing over and over like “he’s just away at school, he’ll be home soon” or “she’s just at a friend’s house, she’ll call me when she gets back.” it never really struck me that they weren’t coming back, that they really were gone and to some people that sounds like a bad thing, but to me it was good. i needed that zap of reality to break me free and make me different than the other sheltered people in my town, the people who’s lives revolve around how much money that have and if they have the latest style of clothes. people, who, if anything ever went wrong in their lives, they could just run back to their mommy’s and daddy’s and they would be standing there with open arms to take them back in. you helped me to not be one of them. you helped me to learn to stand strong on my own and not depend on others. you have done so much for me. i only wish that i could repay you, but i know i can’t. i wish i could tell you how i feel and hug you one more time and most of all, i wish i could tell you thank you. that doesn’t sound like that much, but i know it’s not possible because one day things got to tough for even you to take. it was like the game of dominos, one thing fell and that just lead to another. i have always respected every choice you have ever made and believed there must be a reason behind them and i will continue to forever believe that. i know you much have had many reasons for doing what you did and though you promised me you wouldn’t ever do this, i forgive you. i will aways care for you as you did me. i just hope that you are out there somewhere happy. that’s all you ever deserved, to be happy. it was never fair for you to live the life you had and i’m sorry. i love you; i will always love you. you really were a wonderful person and i will forever be in debt to you. thank you.
just some random thing i wrote after my boyfriend commited suicide and since i can not show it to him, i have decided to post it here. comment if you want to, good or bad.
oh… i dont know what to say really… just touching. and sad too
A bit of that post actually made me wanna throw up. No … don’t take that badly. It’s a good thing. Really. Sometimes I don’t feel enough.
“it never really struck me that they weren’t coming back, that they really were gone”
That bit got me where it hurts. When Nancy died I’d call her from work sometimes and I’d wonder momentarily why she wasn’t picking up her phone. Or I’d wake up in the night and wonder why her bit of the bed was cold. And every time it would nearly kill me to remember. But you need the reality, you need to move on, don’t you?
You need to learn how to touch the things that are there, instead of trying to keep memories caught in your grasp.
Another part was the “i forgive you” bit. Hard isn’t it? Hard to think that somebody who loves you so much could take so much away from you. When somebody sees all the good in you, it’s difficult to believe the good’s still there, when they’re not around to see it.
But there are some things you can’t hold onto. Anger being one of them, I get that now. I’m glad you see it too.
I’m also glad you found it in yourself to write that. Saddest thing in the world is when somebody dies with nobody to grieve them, and nobody to feel the loss.
It doesn’t matter that you can’t show him what you feel, he knew it I’m sure. Now we got to show the rest of the world we care, before that gets too late too.
Cya, Damian.
…the memory lives on in the heart and in the mind…beautifully written for him…
The most powerful undertone of the entire letter is that you were keen enough to realize all that he had done for you over time, what he had strengthened you to become and realize on your own.
To grieve for him fills a great painful void that he might have passed with no one even caring or noticing. You have not only eliminated that possibility but you also glorify him for the part of him that he has passed on to you and then you give him some of the most ultimate of respects – by being proud of what once you learned from him.
A true strength lies within you to have become the self aware, open-minded but down to earth entity that you are, but there also lies a greater wisdom for you to have realized, understood, and to have paid proper respects to a great source that helped instill that upon you.
Such strong meanings i picked up from what you said. To say that they were just random things you wrote seems very flippant and hollow of what you wrote. Maybe im not picking up the right meanings, but if i were to know that someone would say such powerful and strong things about me and truly mean it when i died, i could go happy.
If you truly ment it as much as i believe you did and as meaningful as i read it, im sure he knows how pround you are to have know him and because of that that im sure he is somewhere much happier.
that was very well written! Im so sorry tht it has happened but you had the chance to know such a wonderful person that has helped you jt a shame he got taken away!
Dru xx
Whilst i was reading this the one question i wanted to ask was who it was about. So i’m really glad you wrote those last two lines explaining why you wrote it. I found it touching, and i’m sorry for your loss. Visit his grave often, and never lose the respect you obviously hold for for.
Vixodus
xx
that was amazin…it was so powerful…a friend of mine got jumped and stabbed and he died in hospital in a coma…
‘i wish i could tell you how i feel and hug you one more time and most of all, i wish i could tell you thank you’ that bit touched me because there were so many things i wanted 2 say 2 him and i find myself going i need 2 tell Matt so an so and hes not there…
im sorry 4 ur loss i no whereva he is now he is he noes how u feel and feels the same
anty xx
Tears again.
You always want someone there to hold your hand when things go wrong, someone to tell you that’s it going to be okay, to be strong for you and when you find that person of course you’ll appreciate them. Never enough though. Not until they’re gone will you know how much you loved them and how much you needed them.
I grew up not really understanding the concept of love and care. Not many friends that would bother to call, not even wondering why I was always depressed. I did find someone though, and I’m always grateful for him helpng me through all my tough times. Now I fear that he’ll be leaving me soon, because I’ve learned that the happier things in life don’t last very long, and he is all I have of happiness. I tell him everyday that I love him, and I thank him everytime he’s there for me. You’d think that would be enough but it really isn’t.
There I go again being self-centered. Sorry.
Make good out of the situation and remember the times you had together. Bad and good, because they both made you what you are now. Be grateful for everyday that you had that chance to be with him. And do as Vixodus said. Don’t regret that you never told him all of this while he was with you, just by you letting him know through this letter I’m sure it’s made him happy.
Don’t let him escape your memory.
This was the most beautiful and moving piece I have read on this site. Thank you for sharing it with us.
This was the most beautiful and moving piece I have read on this site. Thank you for sharing it with us.
This was the most beautiful and moving piece I have read on this site. Thank you for sharing it with us.