a nothing moment

I dont like the taste, and it makes me smell bad; This being my reaction to smoking cigs for most of my life. When it was the trendy thing to do, even when it was the key link to connect me to the in-crowd I wanted so badly to associate myself with in high school; I still refused. Refused to give into the trend, to the demand of social and retarded adolescent stipulations forced upon my not-even-yet-existent individuality.

Nope, wouldnt have it and wouldnt do it. Why now have I decided to pick up the habit? Could it be cause I saw gwenyth paltrow, a tall and skinny g-ddess smoking in such a sensual manner that no matter the health risks it imposed, I wanted to adopt the habit to look as sensual as her? A fake movie star? Could it be, as a morning radio show host implied, that because smoking has become such a taboo in our society, its appeal has grown and manifests itself in some demented and forsaken people? (Being me in this case) Making the restricted and constrained action all the more desirable? Or maybe just cause I will, at this point, grasp at anything that might fill this void that I have in me?
I was driving home drunk one night, after attending some lame ass frat parties, I stopped and bought me my first pack of cigs. Since I really had no preference and knew I would choke throughout the whole first cig I smoked, I bought the lightest and most pussy-intended cigs on the market, Parliament Light. Yup, the kind various of my girly friends smoked, cause the rest were too harsh for them. Bought them from Appu, the Hindu man at the 7-11 and was on my home.
Holding it in between my pointer finger and middle finger like the biggest amateur girl, —-feeling totally like the lass who had never smoked, only now because she got invited to a cool party she insisted on walking around the whole night puffin on a cig, exhaling after holding the smoke in her mouth for mere secs after pulling in, and holding the cig in between bent fingers that looked like they were about to fall off from the weight of the newly accustomed cig.– I felt so inadequate I actually hid the cig from cars that pulled up next to me at a red light. Actually thinking they new I was some poser chick teaching herself how to smoke on the way home because she wanted to look more like a skinny tall actress she saw in a movie. Made no eye contact or anything. I was pretty silly, and silly looking, but I was gonna learn how to smoke. Fuck individuality, fuck norms, fuck the herd mentality I had been trying to avoid for so long, I wanted in on this dirty little habit of society, and I was gonna choke as much and as long as I needed to in order for me to actually be able to inhale properly and pretend like I was really enjoying it, and oh.. also making it look sensual and sexual, that was my main objective after all. Dude I’m a tool. Anyhow, so Im cruizin down the freeway, sobered up from all the concentration and strenuous brainpower and effort I was putting into the cancer causing multi million-dollar product. Thinking to myself just how sexy I looked with each inhale, trying to figure out how long I should hold it in for, how often I should ash, exactly how to position it in between my fingers (tried a few styles on for size, in the end I chose to go with the unique, almost dorky way gwenyth held hers in the movie). Fuck Im such a tool. Yup,,this is me, Valerie in the new year of 2002, teaching her lame self how to smoke a cig at the age of 19. Is this enough to make you weep of pitty or shall I proceed? I think I will anyhow. After smoking two cigarettes, I was feeling light headed as hell and was about ready to puke the booze I had drank (actually a mighty tasty white Russian) and the new poison that was forming in my lungs as I was still picturing gwenyth. Thank everything holy I had made it home just in time to park on the side walk and puke my guts out, after which I fell asleep in my full blastedly heated car for about 20 min, woke up delirious as hell and drove my ass into the parking lot. Thank everything profound that it was almost 3:00 in the morning and everyone that was living in MY house was sleeping. (a whole nother topic to rant and bitch about). Anyhow, so I have a full pack of cigs under the seat of my car. This week I have been indulging myself in the thought of being a smoker and have been smoking one cig on the way to lunch each day. One day I decided to live on the edge, and try chain smoking, yup 2 cigs in a row! The idea was fun, the fastest home made chain smoker known to mankind, but the two cigs made me feel queezy as fuck and I returned to work feeling like complete ass, and decided chain smoking wasnt for me.
Dont know what the point of all this is…maybe just to indulge of how much of a tool I am,, but it was fun. Learn what you can from it.

Categorized as darkness

By .o()kabbalist()o.

i am me. isnt that interesting? *i think its hard and unnecessary to write some idiotic phrase, that some feel might expresses who they am. we are all complex beings; one little space will definantly do unjustice to us all.


  1. hmm….This is interesting…most of my friends smoke, and they claim they will kill me if I start……they’re all trying to quit…

    I’m probably not making much sence….had surgery on my ass last night..(not cosmetic) and still a little buzzed on the morphine, and the loritabs I just took for the first time in my life….

    Hey, I may be on a ton of pain killers, I may be stuck in bed at home for the next two weeks or so, and I’ll probalby die of bordem….Who cares…I finaly get a vacation!!!!!!

    I do keep getting this odd curious impules to take a drag just once, but I’ve managed to not bow into norms quite yet….just doesn’t sound like much fun to me at this time.

  2. Ick. If it’s anything more I hate it’s smoking cigs.

    One, they do nothing. If you want something to make you feel good why not get some weed. I’m NOT saying you should go out and get high. Don’t do that.

    Two, they make you smell like week old coffee grounds, burnt on a stove top.

    Three, it’s sickening to see smoke come out of a persons nose/mouth. Reminds me of those factories that people are always trying to shut down because of the ozone layer being polluted. Now, imagine what’s gonna happen to those squishy pink lungs of yours.

    Four, makes those around you want to vomit from the noxious scent of it.

    Five, almost impossible to get the smell out of your clothes, car, house, etc..

    Six, it kills.

    Anyone still want to smoke? If so I can think of so many other things that will make you think twice before putting that cancer stick to your lips.

  3. l have smoked l have done weed l have drink and drink until puking and l have to say l had had good memories from it also bad ones. lf l saw one of my little brothers doing it l would kill them, that’s for sure cuz l know how fucked up and nasty it is…but it makes you forget, be happy and secure…at least for a while…but its defenetly not worth it….

  4. hmmm…. I dont smoke anymore because it sux to smoke. I have watched my friends get dumber by the day and that is not who I want to be. WHat I really want to be is a vampire. Living in the mortal world is such a pain in the ass. To be immortal would be wonderful. No worrite about dieing anyways. Plus I would be different from everyone else more that i am different now. I dont work to hard to e different just be who i am. Most people think I am weird or a freak anyways. Thats only because I am. That is what seperates my from everyone. But to be a vampire would be a dream.

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