A Random Rant

My aunt cares about me… And it hurts me to know that. I see her once or twice a year… But she sends me letters every once in a while. This last one made me cry…
All it said was “Don’t listen to everyone else. You’re doing well. Love, Aunt Verna”

Tears come so easily to me…. And I don’t know why. I’d like to say that my life is so fucked up and so on.
But I know it isn’t.
I have no reason to be so unhappy.

Sometimes, though… It seems that some one out there just wants to hurt you whenever possible. And it makes me so upset.
And it makes me upset to know that there’s so many people out there who feel just as shitty (or more) as I do. I want to give all those people hugs.
A few of my friends have this little group of friends… who are all in the hospital for suicide attempts right now. I don’t know these people way too well, but they all seem pretty nice.
Why do all the good people have to die?

I get labeled a lot. It’s so stereotypical. Daily, I get called everything from “goth” to “emo” to “damn hippie”.
To Adam teling me that he hates labels, but damn, I’m emo.

Is it even logical to label me, then? If I don’t fit into any one category? A lot of people don’t fit under one label… So what’s the point of trying to make them fit?

What’s been bothering me lately, though, is that whenever I act unhappy (in other words, whenever I act the way I feel), people ask if I’m alright. And five minutes later, it’s back to how it used to be. They’re ignoring me. People should only care if they’re going to continue caring. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen too often.

…And I sometimes wish I were pretty.
People tell my I’m pretty whenever I say this. But I don’t mean pretty as in…. I don’t know, conventionally pretty. I sometimes just wish I had that glow. And that personality. And it just cheered people up to see or talk to me. Or something. I don’t know. I hate that I wish I were pretty, though. Because I know that secretly, I kind of wish I were conventionally pretty, as well.

I haven’t been in the mood to write stories lately. Probably because I haven’t been thinking as I usually do. I’m not depressed. I’m just…. empty.

Stories used to be my way to feel a litle better. And I don’t even have that anymore. Just this huge empty space and nothing to fill it with.

And on a random note, how come so many people on this site rant about how they hate labels, and then they go and call themselves goths? I don’t understand it.

By dreams of glass

//Geisha deconstruct. (ask me if you're so curious about my life, darling.)


  1. I know what you mean. I mean sometimes I can be sitting there with my friends or Dominic and I’ll fell all loved, and still feel like there’s something missing inside that makes me want to scream out loud. That’s just life.

    Labels … hmm …School was hell coz I was the all-sports hero, but at the same time I tried hard in class so I was an over-achiever, and I hung out with the outsiders, and I liked all the ‘morbid’ music that scares the ‘popular’ people.

    Nowadays they try to label me as queer because I’m into a guy. Only I still kick ass at hockey and boxing, I’m six foot four, built like a truck and I’m more macho and more ‘normal’ than your average homo.
    You see? You can’t exactly categorize me either.

    So I have no place in society, and that’s fine. I don’t mind the labels because it just reminds me what side of myself I’m showing to people.
    When people label me it gives me a kick to surprise them. I show them a different side of myself and overthrow their opinion. I try to learn about myself from the way other people see me.
    It stops life getting dull.

    Anyway, that’s how I keep the labels from getting me down. I mean, it doesn’t really matter as long as you know who you are, and what to expect from yourself.

    As for the story writing … don’t worry about it. Sometimes you go through dry spaces where you can’t seem to write to save your life.
    It’ll pass, and the time away from writing will help you to evolve in other ways. This will be evident when you return to writing, so at least one good thing will come of it.

    If you feel like you’re going crazy without the release then find another way to express yourself.

    Lastly, about the beauty thing. I know it sounds so corny and cliched but nobody will ever be satisfied with the way they look. Don’t hate yourself for being human, because you can’t help it.

    It’s admirable to want to cheer people up by just being there, but it’s awfully hard work too. The people that achieve that perma-glow are usually quite lonely and over-compensating.
    In the end you need people who appreciate you for your weakness as well as your strength.
    You don’t want the kind of self-involved people who cling to you just because you make them feel good.

    Next time you feel yourself giving a fake smile, please don’t. For my sake.
    Think of something that truly makes you happy, and smile about that instead. Because people can always spot a faker.

  2. i know exactly what you mean… tears come easily to me, at least they used to, but all of a sudden its like ive lost that ability to cry anymore… i feel empty too, i have been for a while, and i cant write very well either.
    But your stories get enjoyed on this site, and you should write for that sake, write about whatever you’re feeling, and put a spin on it. it might make you understand more of how you’re feeling.
    I know what you mean about people on here, and how they say they dont like labels, but they label themselves gothic. what they probably mean is they dont like being labeled, because most of the people who label them dont have a right to because they dont know them. but myself on the other hand, i dont like labels for that reason, but i also think that labels are pointless and just another way to separate people from each other. i do not label myself because i dont have a label, i am just me, and thats all i could be anyways.

  3. I know what your coming from.
    I feel the exact same way, there is also no reason that i should feel lonely, i have a good life, family, boyfriend, not a lot of friends but i like the few that i have. I always think of myself as the none pretty one even though i’m always told that i am. I just dont have a lot of self confidence. Labels are stupid. I dont understand them. I oculd never label myself because i like a little bit of everything so i could never be just one thing. And Blacklight, you are awesome, u made me realize a few thing about what u said. And if u seriously are “gay” then power to you man! Never let anyone put you down for it. You seem too nice of a person. well thats my input for this. you probably dont care but i thought you should know anyways!

  4. I have a nice life. I still feel like shit a lot. not all the time. but when I go to sleep at night, I just can’t help but feel like shit. Just found out my best friend cuts…. I feel like shit just thinking about the kinds of things he’s thinking right now.

    man… my parents… all the time, getting pissed off at me cuz I’m not doing exactly what they want me to do at the exact time that they want it done at. I do evertything that needs to be done anyway….

    I’m so happy that this is a random rant…
    randomness is all that will save me.
    just have to talk about shit and do shit and feel happy cuz that’s what will save you…

    man.. only thing that saves me is music.. creation of music, listening to music… letting music run freely through my head…

    labels…. if you try to fit into one… then you just deteriorate whoever you really are. some people go around saying that theyre ginos… and then they just go and buy everthing that the stereotypical gino wears… but that’s not them… what the fuck can ya do…?

    man.. enough ranting for me….

  5. I feel the exactly the same way just like everybody else. I feel like my life is extremely screwed even though it’s not, other ppl has much more scrwed lives. I used to cry so easily, what happen to my tears, I feel so cold, but yet at the same time I felt stronger. It’s all so weird I can be happy and than I’d be so damn depressed that I start thinking about cutting which I can’t even do. Even though I shouldn’t hate myself, I do. I hate myself because the way I am. I hate the way I think, I don’t like any way I think, I hate myself, and I can’t get out of this hate. I’d do anything to start all over again, but I can’t live without the good friends I have now. Writing some of the poems I have, got me crying but it’s just the experience I have now. I’m all good. I’ll survive! I hope I don’t break down. I don’t care what other ppl think of me, me is me and they can’t do anything to change me. I am who I am and I’ll always be, if they don’t like me that is their problem not mine.

  6. Thank you DREAMS OF GLASS for letting me know i am not alone…

    I am forbidden to cry since i am a man. I want to, sometimes i guess, but i always keep it in…

    ” It hurts, not knowing what you want.
    And feeling that this monotonous routine
    you have is what’s keeping you alive…

    You have everything you need, and want,
    maybe even more.
    And that is what hurts the most…
    Knowing you can be happy,
    but not knowing how… ”

    I cannot say i know how you feel or that i understand you, but i think i can relate. Sometimes, i try to lessen the emotions and just accept things as they come.

    Thank the people pulling you down. It keeps you human and makes you cherish those that mean well.

    I agree, why do all the good people have to die? Sometimes, it’s because we don’t find them soon enough to make them feel wanted or needed.

    Labels…you can’t escape them. It’s difficult for labels not to matter coz they will give others a first impression of you even if they haven’t met you. I hate labels, but, as others have said, what can we do?

    There are people who want to care but don’t have the guts to. They are not bad, they just need encouragement (if ever that makes sense). Nowadays, compassion is considered corny. A point to ponder: it is difficult to care enough when you have problems of your own. Sometimes, you can’t blame them for short-handing you. I am never ashamed to show compassion, though, no matter what state i may be in.

    I know that ‘glow’ you talk about. I have it in my smile and in my stare, that’s what most people around me say… You don’t have to be ‘pretty’ to have that glow. It shows, if you are sincere. For the record, i think you are pretty.

    Being empty, this time i guess i know what you mean… Find your purpose. That is what i am doing now. But, alas, to no avail…yet.

    You feel deeply and care so much about things most people don’t even stop for. You want to make people happy even if the world is unkind…I hope i got it right, coz that is who i am.

    It doesn’t matter if you take my advice and opinions, or the advice and opinions of others that wrote here…but never forget what your aunt said:

    ” Don’t listen to everyone else. You’re doing well. “

  7. Thanks, everyone. I kind of figured people on here could relate at least a wee bit to something.

    And LostWords… Just because you’re male, doesn’t mean you can’t cry. I mean, if you’re afraid to in front of people, that’s fine. Most people are. Just lock yourself in your bathroom or bedroom or something and cry… if you feel the need.
    …Seeing as some people say that actually crying is a way of relieving pressure. So you’ll be happier if you brave it and cry a bit.

    Thanks again, everyone

  8. I completely agree with wanting to say my life is fucked up even though it isn’t. It makes things in my life so much easier to understand, yet I know nothing is really fucked up bad.

    Something in my life went wrong when I was very little. So little it made me commit suicide around 7 or 8 years old. I don’t know what it was and my family doesn’t talk about it.

    But now it’s just… craziness I guess. Nothing is really bad enough in my life that I would want to leave, but I end up attempting to commit suicide and hurting myself day after day. I feel drawn to the other side, but I don’t know why. And I have no reason for doing the things I do, just that… it’s an itch that needs to be scratched I guess.

  9. I feel like suiciding right now….WTF?? Why can’t they believe me?? Why can’t they? Why are they always like that? They drive me insane…there is no point of me living if i only cause trouble….I can’t stand it anymore!

  10. Para ito kay AngelofDeath. Hindi solusyon ang pagpapakamatay. Hindi ito ang unang beses na may nagsabi niyan dito. Kaya ang payo ko sa lahat sa inyo ay hanapin ang inyong kaluluwa upang maatim nyo ang matagal nang ninanasang NIRVANA…

    Malinaw ba?

  11. I think I’m going to be optimistic today…

    Things will look up, just hold on.
    And talk to some one. Even though we’re all apparently these anti-social little freaks, it’s still in human nature to need another person to socialize with every once in a while. And if you hate everyone who’s around you, email some one from this site or something.

    Have a good day, everyone

  12. girl I know how you feel.
    my mother reassures me now that she loves me the way I am… and wishes my father had no part in raising me so I would be what she refers to as “normal.”
    thers always those days you want to be that radiant cheery girl that has it all… that with all of us. but unfortunately we see past the golden facade that the world has put up and have become ourselves. Although most donr care for what they cant do themselves. Fear fof what may happen probably.
    oh yea inspiration comes and goes. just got some from a guy that one day tells me Im adorable (i dont get it) and next tells me I remind him of his ex and he cant be around me… i work with him though.,
    But please dont buy a britney spears shirt and giggle….lol
    take care

  13. Well, now I feel compelled to be long winded. 🙂

    By-the-way good rant.

    I understand the feeling. The best thing you can do is just be the better person. For all those things people say in the end if you are a decent person they will look bad in the end. Maybe it’s the wrong reason to do the right thing, but there is no reason to be brought down by someone else’s opinon. Remember that’s all it really is.

    You know living at home again, anger can be to your advantage. (I am living at home again.) Feeling spite against others helps motivate me to do better. One day I will. Other than that well die in a manson, die in the gutter. In the end we all die. Just live your life and enjoy the ride.

  14. I was in that exact situation a year or so ago. I still have problems witht he labels, but I don’t care, I just ignore them. I was empty. I wasnt depressed, i just didnt care. i tried killing myself severel times.i was always stopped somehow… then i met this girl… i fell in love a ssoon as i met her, and we became fast friends… she was fixed up with my friend, but they didnt love each other, they were just going out for the sake of going out. he treated her like shit, so they broke up. i was there for her through some hard times, and even saved her from a suicide attempt.. we started going out a lil after that and now we have been goign out for 9 months, with no signs of stopping.. so just hang in there, and dont give up. You have a purpose in this life, even if it isnt obvious now. Blessed be, TJ

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