Actually it’s me… who’ll never understand

She offers an understanding look on her face as she listens to me ramble funny stories about my deathly obsessions, and psychotic mind. While I am looking into her eyes I stop caring about my mind. She doesn’t hate, and so I find it hard to hate when I am with her.

But I do hate, so it is hard to survive when she is not by my side. I once asked her if it was right for me to think about her. She once answered that if it made me happy, how could it not be right. But she doesn’t know what thoughts I think about her. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about the dreams I have that involve her. So I don’t, and continue to crave and devour the time spent with her, and despise the time when he is around.

I don’t mean to go psycho whenever he appears. I could blame it on the alcohol, but I only drank it to subdue the pain. I can’t help that it drove me insane. The glass I smashed against the wall has left remains I now feel compelled to clean. It was his choice to come out and try to calm me down. My nakedness is representing the cleansing I was trying so hard to achieve. My hairless body is shaved to destroy the evidence of my normality. My sliced up chest was bleeding so that I may let everything flow out. It was his choice, I console myself, as I scream and shout about just how bad it really is. He wouldn’t understand, because he holds the key to switching it all off. As much as he pretends to care, he wouldn’t want to trade places with me. He wants his happiness to exist with my own. He does not know that the sacrifice has to be made. “Leave me the fuck alone. You understand nothing. You never will, in your perfect life of a crowd pleasing depression.” I yell out to him in different forms, as I spew my insides out onto the cold bathroom floor.

I was walking down a cold road. She new it was cold because I wanted it to be cold, but she didn’t know that I wanted it to be cold because of the fact that it was cold. The easiest way to accept something bad is to learn to enjoy it.

By SurrealX

I crave the darkness to settle on this world and remove all the fakness, and hide all of me.


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