Agony Rebuilt

On nights as warm as this, I lay back on the hood of my car and simply stare at the stars. The only guiding lights in my life that have been there for me all these years.

From the times that I wrote love poetry to girls in jr. high, to now….a full time enforcer of laws. How times have changed. I can only laugh at the fact that several years ago, I was the one….lying on the stairs of a church, in the black knee-length trench coat and torn jeans….asides my love, a black haired girl with crimson lips and a wicked dress. The times she used to bandage the razor cuts on my back, and wake me from a slumber enduced either by booze or a good brawl. Gently shaking me to consciousness. My angel of darkness.
Now….2000 miles from home, the scars have healed, the booze is no longer in my life, and niether is that heretic angel. What I have sacrificed for this job, that I have never truely followed. What happened to those days? When did I turn in my trench for my uniform? How did my butterfly become a 9 mil? Why is it now I’m on the other side of the law?
I promise….I simply promise I will get this all back. Soon enough, that warm blood will once again trickle from my spine down my back. Quickly enough, I will once again sling a blade from my pockets to surpise my foes. And I shall once again share souls with another dark angel. Until then, I will be darkness undercover. I will hide the evils within my soul until the day I may once again be free from that which society has placed me into bondage to.

Dies Irae Vedi
“Azurael”
[email]darksyndrome@hotmail.com[/email]

By Azurael

Enjoys: Razor blades Cat 'o' Nines Roses Poetry Dispair Self-Destruction

86 comments

  1. This is a truely beautiful peice, if not alone in it’s perfect description of the feelings of loss and hope of regain, then because I’ve read your “Military Gothic” post and so understand a little of the emotion it’s backed up by.

    With such a clearly strong desire to return to the ‘good old days’ I’m sure you will find atleast some of what you are looking to get back to, good luck on your way.

  2. I really loved the description about looking up at the stars and so on and so forth~~>long story short, this was an awesome piece, keep up the great work 😉

  3. great piece…

    the light is empty, ive found that out as well, only darkness can be truly united with my soul. that is when im truly home.

  4. I’ve read your work for the past few months, and I must agree with everyone else; well done Azurael. However, I disagree with what listless says. The light is not empty. It enriches our lives without our knowing it. Having that been said, I must say this. There is beauty in darkness and at times it comforts us, just as the love of our spouse will. But if we let it, darkness can swallow our souls and truelly leave us empty.

  5. yea, i agree with you more luceifer. i am just partial to the dark. it often comforts me and makes me see more clearly. just from my experience in my life the light holds emptyness and sorrow. but that is mainly from past memories i care not to remember.

  6. i know how you feel i used to be like it then everything changed and you want it back but u dont know how to do it but u know there will be a way.. It was beautiful in so many ways keep it up..

  7. That’s ofcourse a very lovely piece of emotions. so very touchy and indeed i believe what Andarial said… there’s always a way!! keep writing, you are damn good at this…

  8. Yes, there’s a a way to recapture the freedom you once had, and be the person you once were, but why would you want to cut yourself again? Surely it would be better to be the same person without that addiction? You can still find your dark angel without deliberately causing yourself harm. I hope you find your way… (and I loved your “darkness undercover” line 🙂

  9. cutting is the one pure relief to everything … and the only natural way to be is who you are or once was … your dark angel sounds like the only thing keeping you ‘sane’ if thats what you would have called it in this fucked up world … beautiful piece of work there … keep writing

  10. You’re wronged sorcha. Cutting only leads to more problems. You know that. You hurt the people who love you when you cut yourself. And don’t say nobody loves you. I love you, I love all of you. You and everyone else here are what keeps me sane sorcha. If not for all of you, I would have died long ago. So please, stop cutting yourself. It hurts me, even now. Azureal knows what keeps him sane, and he will never stop searching for his dark angel, just as I will always be here for you. Sorcha, you need to find something to keep you sane as well, find something that brings you happiness, something that completes you, I swear I shall help you in any possible. And don’t cut again. The relief you feel from that is a false sense of happiness. It always leaves you wanting more until it takes your life.

  11. I see this only from a possibly unwelcome outsiders view, but luceifer, take care when blankly telling others they are wrong. Help them to see all angles by all means, but denying someone their opinion is as strengthening as agreeing, it will be defended out of defiance.
    I would not cut, and I don’t know anyone who feels true relief from it, but I have experimented with lower level self harm and I can see what may be found in it by others, despite the danger and the hurt that it causes to those who care for them.

  12. You’re welcome, I’m glad you didn’t take offence *nodding my respect to you* <through a bleary mist of alcohol…DISCLAIMER: me and drinking may produce adverse affects on my posts…!>

  13. thankyou … i know cutting leads to more problems … but i cant help it … 6 out of the last 15 of my life i have spent cutting … and now ive promised a friend that i will try and stop … so im trying and then people are asking whats wrong .. because it screws up my head when im not doing it … it is ok to say your opinion i dont mind … the only thing with cutting is that once you see the scars you’ll always remember what made you do it … and then once again you have the urge to take your life … but oh well … trying to stop could kill me quiker … you never know.

  14. Very, very nice piece of writing.
    Don’t stop. (that was a request, not a command)
    Sorcha… If you want to stop cutting, email me: shades_of_black@hotmail.com, I have learnt techniques to help stop.
    If you don’t want to stop, don’t.
    But try not to slip, this world doesn’t want to lose you, and it’s hard to look at the scars (and try to explain them away)
    Hey, Im a hypocrit.

  15. how come the posts havent changed at all? i have submitted a couple of things, but none of them have been posted. it’s weird.

  16. Don’t talk about yourself when you are commenting on a piece of work. It takes the attention away from the actual work. And this one is clearly amazing. Submit your own piece if you want to talk about yourself.

  17. Moyra, I don’t mean to be rude, but I think your comment was a little uncalled for. DarkAngelDKA has left more than one post saying that this was a good piece of writing, and she has a point when it comes to the other posts not being submitted (of which she HAS submitted a couple of her own, as she said). I know I’m sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong, but this is a public forum…

  18. Didn’t read all of the post -no time. I’m supposed to be cleaning a light machine gun right now.. Just wanted to tell you: you’re not the only one.. I’m with the Royal Danish Ingeneers. Just fuck ’em!! Never give up, never show weakness, then pretend that you’re “one of theirs” and then they might get off your back.. worked for me…..

  19. I wasn’t talking about DarkAngelDKA, Audryn, infact I had the same concerns. Why isn’t anything getting posted? And it’s fine to be rude sometimes. I was being rude when I said what I said. It’s nothing personal.

  20. Thank you Audryn for clearing this up for me. I really appreciate it. Moyra who were you talking about then, because I thought that you were also talking about me?

  21. I’m sorry. I wasn’t talking about someone in paticular. I have just noticed it a lot. Someone will post a comment about a piece and somehow turn it around to be all about them instead of the piece. And While I think it’s nice to relate to the piece of writing, like most do, it seems disrespectful to take the subject and make it all about yourself. I have seen that you post wonderful comments, DarkAngel. I wasn’t talking about you and I’m sorry that I didn’t make that clear.

  22. You have a point Moyra, people do that, I’m probably guilty myself. I think its because the post is good enough to bring up emotion in people.
    It also doesn’t help that no submissions are going through at the moment, people can’t say what they want on their own posts, so they have to let it out on someone elses.

  23. Azurael,
    This is an excellent piece. I love the way you expres your longing to return to the darkness. I’ve been there too. All who turn to face the light will always fell the distinct pull of the shadows. But hey, we all walk our own paths, light or dark. I hope one day you find your shadows.
    Drake

  24. Azurael, I love your writing… Your words have painted a vivid picture of your soul and I can relate. I wish you luck in your search of your old self and your angel of darkness.

  25. this is really good and i agree with u in everyword. i used to be one of those fluffy happy ppl. well i pretended i was happy bc i wanted to fit in, but then i found who i really was and didnt have to act ne more. fuck it. so newayz. ur story was great keep writing

  26. I was wondering the same thing. I submitted some new stuff awhile back and I have yet to see it appear. I don’t know, maybe the site is having some problems? I dunno, if anyone happens to
    find out though, I would like to be informed about it please 🙂

  27. yeah i tried submitting a few things too but nothing happened and ib=ve been looking for new writing but nobody has any.. jwat happened?

  28. Yeah, for some reason none of our submitted work is being posted. Nothing new has appeared. I’m just wondering what happened.

  29. i must concur. i have submitted several things and none of them have been posted. also, it is nearly the end of june and stuff from the end of may has not even been posted. i don’t mean to gripe or pick on this post, but does anyone know what happened?

    –mourning

  30. the people running this site have lives too you know, my guess is their on vacation or their computers broke or something.

  31. (lol)~~>Well at least that gives us something to think on. Perhaps that is the reason…or maybe they have run out of space…..I dunno. Any how, I am just waiting for the day when I try to go to this site and it says “We are currently having technical difficulties with this site.”

  32. ~~~~>At least then I would know and I wouldn’t be so driven with curiosity.

  33. Azurael.. you speak things my soul fails to find the words for..and you do it so beautifully that it is painful to me. you words strike close to what is left of my heart.
    i assure you, you will find your dark angel, she is waiting for you…longing to find the one who can ease her pain….or rather feel it along with her…
    you are not alone in the respect that an m-16 and a uniform replaced ink and parchment years ago as my link to the rest of the world ..
    ..with your breathtaking words, you awaken something inside of me i thought dead long-ago…words cannot express my debt to you for that…

  34. i like it..really
    but being sellfish…when are you people of darkness gonna get new writtings??
    i love this site… because is always something new or wicked to read but you have a lot of time without getting something fresh…please do it! i truly love to read all this writtings…but they are here since like 2 months ago…please get something new…

  35. ive also begun to get really concerned about whats going on with this site as of lates, just seems really odd that no notes or announcements of any kind are made…

    and oh yeah, hi everyone

  36. i’m starting to get worried about no new posts being put up too. Maybe the people in charge are on vacation, but I’ve never seen them leave this thing alone for more than about three weeks before, and now it’s been two months.
    That having been said, your work really is good, Azurael. I enjoy reading your pieces, even though I’ve never been heavily into gothic culture. I do have friends who are, however, and this stuff actually helps me understand them a little better. Thanks.
    *witch baby*

  37. maybe i’m desperate, but for what it’s worth i’ve discovered this site called diaryland.com, and i’ve decided that i will also post my work there for anyone who wants to read it.

    here’s the address: http://mourninstr.diaryland.com/

    it’ll just be all the older stories that i’ve written until i get all the older ones posted.

    again, azurael, i am sorry for using your post to do this, and for what it’s worth, you are a very talented writer.

    –mourning

  38. I undersatdn that who ever owns this site and have a life of there own. There has been many times where I need to update something and just never got arould to it becasue I have this thing called a LIFE. But…..GODDAMN! I need to past and read something…anything!!! Do anyone have any other sites that similer or kind-of like this site? PLEASE let me know. I’ll come back o this site. I but I need to post and I need somewhere to go for the time being. Email me at angel18nova@hotmail.com

  39. I undersatdn that who ever owns this site and have a life of there own. There has been many times where I need to update something and just never got arould to it becasue I have this thing called a LIFE. But…..GODDAMN! I need to past and read something…anything!!! Do anyone have any other sites that similer or kind-of like this site? PLEASE let me know. I’ll come back o this site. I but I need to post and I need somewhere to go for the time being. Email me at angel18nova@hotmail.com

  40. I undersatdn that who ever owns this site and have a life of there own. There has been many times where I need to update something and just never got arould to it becasue I have this thing called a LIFE. But…..GODDAMN! I need to past and read something…anything!!! Do anyone have any other sites that similer or kind-of like this site? PLEASE let me know. I’ll come back o this site. I but I need to post and I need somewhere to go for the time being. Email me at angel18nova@hotmail.com

  41. I got an idea, not too long ago. I wasn’t sure if you would all like it, but what I can do is make a website, and post everyone’s things in there. It can be a temporary thing for darkness.com. The only thing is that I have to post the things, and you can’t comment on the work, because I still haven’t figured out any of that. But if you guys like the idea, let me know, that way I can make the website, and you guys can e-mail me your work.

  42. Put a gun to your zionist head and blow your degenrate skull apart!

    Submit to the anal penetration from your yiddish rodent master…
    pedophile in the name of zion

    Judeo-swine rapeing your anus blood and abrahams seed will infect your flesh

  43. Azurael… I agree with everyone else, that was very beautiful…and keep writing.

    And Slaughter the Jewish Swine… I have one thing in reply towards what you said: O_o

  44. DarkSilence,

    It must have taken you a long time to think of something that smart to write

    Cut your flesh you jewish pig!

  45. Slaughter – Oh yes, you have THAT right, oh yes. It took me ten minutes! Believe it! I sat there dumfounded trying my very hardest to think of something to say, oh yes. Thank you for recognizing pure stupidity, I appreciate it. I REALLY do.

    [I don’t know what I would do without sarcasm o_o . . .]

  46. Hi everyone,

    To get to the point, I have moved away from the house with the internet, and now I’m here for the weekend. I can’t believe we have another naxi (Yes SLAUGHTER, I’m refering to you), super, I think I’ll have to convert you too, show you that your stupid racial scapegoating is the weakest form of venting. Did you get bashed or raped by jews and nigas? or did you just fall in love with Derrick Vinyards lifestyle. You are as low as an EMINEM wannabe, like the homie fuck heads that try to build a little “ghetto” around them, so their life is just like thier god’s. Don’t think I’m one of those “Live in serenity” fagets.

    I’ve had more life experience than you even if you were three times my age I can asure. Your alias and comments suggest that you beleive killing all the jews would bring more than enjoyment…
    …It wouldn’t, it would be fun to kill thousands like that, but nothing more, it would not solve any underlying social problems, it would erase poverty, greed, crime or immorality. I can’t wait to hear your reply, or did you just see more than a one-liner, and skip over it to call me a Jew or Niga lover and tell me to end my life.

    You better make it in two days or I’ll be gone again

  47. could someone mention to the guy above me ^^ that his spelling and grammar suck? i’m sure his Fuhrer would disapprove of such bad grammar. *shivers* i never realized there were people who could actually BELIEVE this crap. that there were people who thought what Hitler did was *good*.
    *walks away, shaking her head*

  48. thicktears,

    First thing, yes i am a National Socialist (‘Nazi’)

    The total anihilation of the jewish beast would bring a lot more than personal enjoyment, It is not just the jews that must be anihilated it is all the inferior races and those who have comited racial tresion against the aryan race

    But to fully understnd my hatered of the jews and outher inferior races you must understnd National Socialsim and it is clear that you have next to no understanding of National Socialism and its goals, National Socilaism is Not the same as ‘Skin heads’ or ‘White power’ it is more than just politics, It is a doctrine a way of life given down to us by our fuhrer, But i am not going to go in to full detail about Natioanl Socialsim,
    (maybe on a later date)

    And i am not eney thing like a homei
    Natioanl Socialism is for aryans it is my racial dutey to fight for my blood and to preserve the memory of my fuhrer,
    Natioanl Socialist are well disciplined disciple of Adolf Hitler
    But homei’s are nothing but scum thay want to be niggers, thay think it is ‘cool’ to mix with niggers and to destroy thre blood lines, and niggers dont give a shit about them, homei’s want to be something that are not and can never be,
    But National Socialism is for aryans and it was created for aryans, So threr is no way i am a ‘wana be’ or the same as a homei liveing in a false reality

    As for the “did you just fall in love with Derrick Vinyards lifestyle” coment the anser is No! ‘American History X’ is a shit move made by jews to discredit aryan pride and it is typical of the zionist move indersty

    I am not just a “one-liner” i just havent been asked an intelligent question yet but i serpose you are the fist persion to ask a some-what intelligent question,
    I am aware that this submison could be a lot longer but i it will do for now

    I am not shure if i anserd what ever question you asked, but if you have a question make it a bit more clear’er next time

    Do not take the polite greting as a form of friendship!

    I will leve you with a quote from Adolf Hitler,

    “If freedom is short of weapons, we must compensate with willpower.”
    — Adolf Hitler, 1925

  49. the witch,

    This discession is between ‘thicktears’ and I, So fuck off you sub-human!

    Aryan Blut Uber Alles!

  50. Not to be rude Witch,
    but please do not tease Slaughters spelling and grammer, his grammer is fine and his spelling is still readable, I just feel an empathy with him, as I have too beleived the same dogma he stands for (well, not the same, but still very politicaly similar and left wing). I just wanna get into his true self, I respect him ten times more for spewing racial hatred, than some one who only sais “lol, hahaha, ta-ta, how jovial life is etc” I’d rather a deep and dark conversation than a light but shallow one.

  51. thicktears,

    I am not some left wing communist fuck!

    I do not beleve that all races are equal one again it is more jewish lies

  52. SLAUGHTER THE JEWISH SWINE!:

    SLAUGHTER THE JEWISH SWINE!:
    August 10, 03 | 1:34 am.
    “I do not beleve that all races are equal one again it is more jewish lies”.

    Please emphasize that point you just made about all races being equal a “jewish lie”. I would like to see where you are getting your information from, also if you are so proud to not be “some left wing communist fuck!” (Really intelligent comment by the way), you will prove yourself and your sources.

  53. why are you all arguing with him? he has a right to his opinions, just as you have a right to yours. isn’t it a lost cause to argue? you’re never going to change his mind, nor will he change yours.

    –mourning

  54. Thats it!! I’m gone!! GOODBYE DARKNESS.COM!! I have a story that I’ve started to type and I’m am just dying to post Post POST!! Maybe I can take my Dark Kisses of Evil and my new story somewhere else. Like I said before, I do understand that whoever owns this site might have something else thats alittle more important. But the way things are looking, most of the time, a site closes down after it goes months without up date and the size of it too. But then some don’t. I’m almost sure theres over 100 sent items that haven’t been posted. Just think about, how will all of that be posted? *Sigh* I don’t know what I’m talking about. Really I don’t. So I’m packing my bags and getting ready to leave this site. If you want to stay updated with me, (which I doubt many of you will) drop your email at: julyfire29@hotmail.com
    My email in my porfile has changed. I would up date my porfile. Butthe way things are looking right now, I doubt it will change any. Anyways, It’s been fun. If Darkness goes back to the way it was, I might be back. . . might.
    LOVE YOU ALL!! xoxoxoxox

  55. Ironic, isn’t it, that the very darkness within you has lead you to be an officer of the law. Sometimes, it takes a dark person to fight the darkness. All I can say, is embrace that darkness, and know that the dark angel you mourn for is out there, somewhere. Good luck, and may the darkness’s midnight wings wrap you within its dark embrace.

    ShadowTalon

  56. a vision of inner controversy, of evolution of the self but the longing to return to how things once were. it reminds me of all that i have lost and yearn to have back… never truly knowing if having everything the same as it was before is even possible. my compliments on a piece well written, and very deep despite its shorter length.

  57. Ok, i loved the writing. i haven’t found a piece that can stir emotions like this one in a very long time. Unfortunatly i could not shed a single tear for it. I have not cried in a bloody long time, and i would be most appreciative if someone could explain how to solve such a dilemma.

  58. Azurael,
    You were the last one lucky to post your writings on here, *kudos*. But as now the darkness.com is not working, we must have some other way. i’ve been a silent reader from a long time, and my limits of enduring the silence from gifted writers like you is almost reached its own limits. 😀 anyways just a thought, i’ve created a Forum on Runboard.com , the link is : http://com1.runboard.com/bdarkness2
    here every one can freely post and comment on others wiritngs, lets move darkness.com to there.

    kindly awaits the responce from the gifted ones,

    *Satyr*

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