It’s happening again. No, FUCKING AGAIN! Damnit…..I’ve been screwed over so many times, and now I do it to myself. What a fool! Who would do such a stupid thing?!……me. Only it was easier then because I had someone to blame. But not now. Not anymore. I rip away at myself because…..it’s all I have.
Family…..would’ve been better off if I had gone long ago. Friends…..ha…..define “friend”. They are a thing of the past. Days when I had the strength to care….days when all I wanted was a friend. Relationships? What a cruel joke. I wasn’t taught or built with proper relationship skills and am EXTREMELY inexperienced in that area of “life skills”
For a long time I thought I was destined to live out the rest of my days alone. I never thought of living to a ripe old age……I was surprised I lived to see 16.
Everything is cold. Everything is dead. How can Loved ones call someone selfish when they try to take their own life? They don’t feel the pain. They can say….”blah blah blah…I’ve been there before, It’ll get better, you’ll see blah fuckin blah…”
How can they assume that one has the strength to endure?! How can they think that just cause they “made it”, that everyone else can do it too? It requires strength. A strength I myself lack.
People are so wrong when I tell them of some of the shit I’ve gone through and ASSUME I’m a psychologically or emotionally “strong” person to have been able to live through it.
Well THAT’S NOT FUCKING TRUE! I’ve been dead a long time on the inside. So I tried to end it on the outside a few times as well. But, I’m too much of a loser to do that right. I almost did it right once too….but I was cought and rushed to the E.R. to have my stomach pumped.::sigh:: What a sad night.
I wouldn’t try to kill myself now…….I want to everyday, but death is deserved. Meh….I know I’ll act on impulse sooner or later.
I feel like crying everytime I wake up. I feel disappointed that I didn’t die in my sleep. My body aches all over. And then the debilitated crawls to the toilet…where I can spill out the contents of my stomach. Usually only a little stomach acid, pills, water, and some bright yellow, horridly bitter shit. Ugh…..the migraines….the blood….the pain in my lungs whenever I try to get in a good breath. I’m ready to die.
I want to be gone…..not even respectfully six feet underground. I wouldn’t care if I passed out dead in an abandoned old house, where the stray dogs can come and knaw away at my bones, rats can eat away at my flesh….whatever would be left of my rotting carcass. The crows could use my hair to line their nest.
But none of it would matter.
Everything hurts. Feel so sad watching everyone. I sit around replaying memories, comments, voices. New and unfamiliar ones come to me now and then. I don’t know if it’s just me or…..haha….I’m going “crazy”……I hate people and what they do. So easily irritated.
Stupid fucking therapists….psycologists…the FUCKING SAME! I didn’t mind so much the Psychiatrists……I quite liked them, in fact. I knew they were the ones who could dope me up. Make the pain go away till the next refill.
Nothing interests me much anymore. Nothing makes sense…simply too tired of everything to care. I just want to hide in dark of my cool, quiet room and fade away from humanity and all it’s petty concerns. I’ll waste away soon. But even that is not soon enough.
Please respond if you know how any of this feels. I hate to be the one loathing alone…