I…twenty years old…not-so-violent medium height, long haired skinny guy. White caucasian,dark long curly hair.I was a typical nerd/geek/dork in my high shcool years. Bullies and all…they loved kicking my ass. I hated them,hate them still. I beat the crap out of them once, because all this “playing the victim” made me stronger. And more than ever resolved to make them pay. They paid and never touched me again. I was almost kicked out of school but i was an “example student” with good grades, head of the school paper. But i was “hot-tempered and randomly violent” These are the words the school shrink wrote into my student file.
Me being the school paper dude, had access to these papers. She was right. I was bipolar, owned by internal mood swings. But i never had problems with my family, my friends or my girls. Never. I never bullied my sister,never was a macho to my girl friends and was ever loyal to my friends. Now i moved to US, alone and i feel like i am in a desert. My mood swings are coming back to derange me. School is going good but sometimes, when someone does something i don’t like (directed at me or not) , my hands shake and i get sweaty, adrenalin rushing to my head and to my hands (you know some people have that vein in the middle of their forehead,and it gets all blue when they are angry.) At that moment I want to hurt someone. Breaking things or stuff does not work i know. I want to hit someone i don’t know and don’t care. Yesterday in my writing class, prof Buch asked something, and me bein’ a foreigner and all ,wasn’t really supposed to know the answer.He asked something about Sodom and Gomorrah (the biblical legend in the old testament) and i answered correctly. Then a guy i really don’t know, commented about me cheating,and i gave him my evil stare because…because i felt i had to. He who was something like 6 feet did not give a shit of me and gave me the evil “finger” in the middle of the class, drawing a few giggles from others ( them I will deal with later on.) Prof. Buch did not see it, and the guy was quite proud of pissin’ me off succesfully.Then Buch gave a break and left the room.Then I stood up and went to the guy. Stood in front of him and told him that him that i was gonna punch him in the face if he did not apoligize right that moment. He told me: “fuck off you Smurf!” and i warned him again. Then he stood up. He looked down at me and asked if i was asking for trouble. I answered that he was the one who asked for trouble and threw him an uppercut. He fell down and spit out blood. But could not stand up. If there were noone around i would kick him right there, make him beg for mercy. But there were people around and I did something horrible for a state university. I spit at his face, blood on his mouth then left.Now i ask you: I who was underestimated physically and mentally (me not even bein’ christian or a godbeliever and knowing about Sodom and Gomorrah),I who took a swift vengeance when the humiliation was still warm, I who was bullied all his school life and I who hate bullies…is this I evil?Am i evil now?