I am tired. Tired of living this life. I want to be free of all of this but I dont know why. I have everything I could ever want but I am missing one thing. My freedom.
I have love, a family and a good home but I am alone. I have no real friends here because my true friends reside thousands of miles away.
My family is draining me of my human essence; for example, I cannot express an opinion without being extremely reprimanded for it and I am under house arrest right now. I have done nothing wrong by the way. They just believe it is necessary to do this for some reason. To protect me so to speak from the cruel world that lies outside my door I suppose. Believe me I know all to well how cruel the world is. I have been living like an adult with adult responsibilities since I was thirteen but now suddenly, since we live much better lives, all of the things I used to do are suddenly forbidden to me as if I some how grew down instead of up.
I have love yes but sometimes I am scared of it. I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me; however, I am afraid that he will let me down. You see, all my other ex boyfriends have cheated on me and treated me well, horribly. I have no reason to believe that he will do this to me, on the contrary, he is one of the only five people I trust and he is the most wonderful boyfriend I have ever had. He is also one of only five people that I love whom have never let me down or screwed me over. I love him dearly and I suppose my fear is of loosing him. I do not want to loose him because I love him very much. The strange thing is that our relationship is wonderful, better than it could ever be at present. Why then this fear?
I have a home but I stay at a very vicious price. I live with my parents. I am mentally abused here and I am aware of it. My boyfriend knows this as well. I have known this since I was about ten years old and ever since then I have waited patiently until my eighteenth birthday when I would be legally free. I will be eighteen in about a month and I am silently planning my leave. I doubt I will be missed. I just cant take this anymore. I suppose it is not only freedom then which I need.
For now I await silently in my cage pondering my escape from the emotionless void from which this cage hangs in. I only hope I havent lost whatever human was left in me if there was any at all. I seem to remember something that resembled empathy in me but I could be wrong. It could have only been a dream.
The beginning lines of this post strruck a chord in me. It is some thing I have said a milion times before.
“I am tired. Tired of living this life. I want to be free of all of this but I dont know why”
But the rest-not so much.
I think I am just more tired of life being so hard. So very very hard. I never expected everything to be handed to me, I know everything worth having requires work and sacrifice… but why so much?
I just want to live my life without fear of mortality or imortality. Without tension in my shoulders every moment of every day and every night. I want to look at someone and trust them instead of remembering every single other who has betrayed me. I can’t stand that there is a woman out there right now plotting to take my home from me. I cant stand that I can sometimes not afford medicine for my children. I cant stand that every time I manage to leap a hurdle another is right before me only more steep than the last. I am tired tired tired. I know that the suicide that is so often discussed on here will not be an option for me. I have too many reasons I can’t. Id like to say that it’s the love of my good and loyal friends, but every friend I have ever had has betrayed me in some fashion or another-or just turned out not to actually be more than a aquaintance in the end. I’d like to say Its becaus im happy, or have a bright future or something.
But truth is I cant because I can’t accept that my children would one day have to face that their mother killed herself, I can’t becasue my father would blame himself, I cant because I just MIGHT be able to see the world after death and see that I was not as mourned as I had hoped, I cant because some portion of me still thinks I’ll miss something worth seeing, I can’t because to me self inflicted death is “irresponsible”….
I’m just so beaten right now, I’m just so tired and sad and pathetic and needy. I have this rushing force inside me that says I need completion, that’s all. Someone or something to fill in this void and all will be well. I will have the strength to live my life if I am complete. I once found unconditional love and was complete. I knew no challenge was too much then. A pure unsullied thing at first. No error was unforgivable. No trespass too great. I knew I could be stupid or brilliant and I was loved. I could be cruel or kind and be loved. I could have no makeup and be wanted. I could swell with child and have lust, so much lust. I could see myself reflected in his eyes and know he saw beauty-no matter if I saw somthing else. I abused this, shamelessly. And in the end his character was weak, and mine was cruel and it was broken. It hung lifeless between us for too long.
It’s like I am searching to find such a love again, but am too scared to let the real me out for fear I will break it again when i find it. Some moments i think I have found it again, others I see all too well how our love is not elastic on his part, and I sometimes think on mine too. I get hurt and angry, but am afraid to show it … and I know this is not right. I am afraid he would leave if I was angry and never return. That if I was not easy, if I was not simple in my basic and open love for him he would not want to be here. I do not trust him. Is that his doing or mine? Is it my past hurts coloring his actions, or just his actions that make me feel he would leave and not feel the loss I would. I know I would fight for him, I would negotiate and barter and surrender to keep this love. I would not walk away, id be dragged away, biting and scratching. But in my heart of hearts I feel he could walk away if I was a fight, if he had to work too hard to keep this love, if he had to fight to make us work in the face of adversity, he could walk and not a tear would be shed. He’d not be happy by ant means, but life would go on much the same, only no one would cook for him, he’d have trouble checking his email, and there would be no one left to trust, no one left to make him feel safe. Sometimes I wonder if he loves me or just loves how much I love him.
(I also know that loving me might NOT be easy just now, I know that my life is a hell that he is being drug into, and he’s still here so far….)
And I know that I am likely not doing him justice in these thoughts, but I’m hurting just now and can’t stop the out pouring of thought once I started it. I apologize to anyone still reading, I did not mean to say all this at all, but now I have and it’s all there and I will sit here and click Ok! because I’m just self absorbed enough to want the world to know all this. I also apologize to him if he reads this tonight…
Fear of intimacy comes from insecurity.
As for the rest – there’s an easy way to take care of the situation. Leave. You’re already planning it and will be free soon – excellent! I kept a calendar and ticked off the days to the time when I could escape the house. Admittedly, I only escaped to college, I didn’t actually get disowned and get total freedom until a year later, but it made a huge difference simply moving away. Things will get better when you’re on your own. Until then, hang in there – it’s only a little while now 😉
i know how it feels to have next to no freedom at all. I”m soon to be 21 in april and i’m still at home with my folks but i’m soon to be out and into the real world starting tomorrow. i made the decision to join the airforce cos college really wasn’t working for me and i was forced to go becasue of my overbearing mother. me and her don’t get along that well so i figured that if i left then maybe it’ll do some good to our relationship. i’ve been lucky all my life, though sometimes i guess i’ve taken it for granted. my mom and dad are still together (though they fight all the time) we live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood and i have pretty much everything that i need here except for freedom to express myself the way that i want to and the freedom to go out when i want to with out having to ask my mom permission first. i’m sick of it so i’m finally getting the hell out. with an overbearing mother such as mine i found it hard to go out with guys because she always had to interogate them. it really sucked! now i’m ready to face the world and be the one making all the decisions for myself. once you get out i’m sure you’ll be glad that you left cos no one can tell you no, it’ll finally be your decision. i wish you luck.
I empathize with you greatly- It is unfair that in this world we have people growing fat of the misery of others.
As for your relationship problems, I envy you that you have once had such a love, is there no way to mend those fences? It seems (and I know this is based on only the superfivial evidences) that it might be better in the end to do all your kicking and scratching to retrieve the previous love than sqeezeing love from the new person ( I assume this is faet?) Not to sound shitty, or embarass you or anything, but there are a plenty of heart stirring post from you about him (Again I assume it is him you are discussing) but he never refers to you at all, save for a vague reference to his girlfriend in one post. I know that if I had a woman declaring her love for me so ardently and I felt it in return, I would cry it from the tallest building, sing it from trees, hell, I might print up flyers (lol) Or hell, I’d just mention my feellings for her now and then, something like that.
I admit I am a useless lump who sits here most of the day reading internet nonsense, so I have had time to research this logic. As far as I can see, he has responded to only one of your posts, and it was a lame comment first of all. Secondly, it was for a story, not one of your outpourings of emotion. I’m not trying to tell you you should leave him or something, im just saying maybe you should reasses your prev relationship- and maybe compare the emotions if that one to what you get today.
For all I know he is very demonstrative in real life, maybe he’s a decent guy about the love you share (?) when he’s directly in front of you. If this is so and it is just a case if internet bashfuls, im sorry. Although, when we can come in here and discuss everyhting from masturbation to suicide to oral sex to murder, how he can be shy I dont know. …..maybe not shy…. amybe shame or embarassed? Ok, im sitting here trying to play Dr. Ruth and I apologize. I had a good friend get burned loving someone who didnt love her, and the protective thjoght I had for her are just kind of overflowing on u i think.
In his defense I must say that he has been very demonstrative to me in the past, and declarations of love are eagerly forthcoming from his lips. I can’t have you or anyone else thinking he’s just some asshole I latched onto or something. He has been here for me many many times, a rock for me in an oft times turbulent sea. I relied on him and loved him in my life before we were romantically (sp) linked, it just deepend after. If things are not as I think they are, I don’t think it would be on purpose. I know he would never hurt me on purpose, would in fact defend me from pain.
OK, defense aside, I would rather continue this discussion in email or something, if continue it at all. Getting a little too personal now for public consumption. It’s one thing to talk in genralities on here, but to bring his name and mine and all our sordid and not so sordid details to light is disrespectful to his and mine relationship I think… He’ll likey be all pissed at me for talking this openly as is.
*btw*
Ok, and I am sorry if I seemed to attack him. Aside from the you him aspect he seems pretty cool, well spoken adn intellignet anyway.
Do you have AOL or ICQ or anything? Yahoo Messenger? We could talk on there as we seem to both be on right now…
Yeah, my ICQ is 60307000 (In my profile too) and my AOL is Angelicus01… talk at u soon I guess.
I do not feel that one can truely express feelings with words “though bright somehow does it” I also feel that anything i write in comment to her would not do her words justice, “she can express the way she feels so much better than i ever will” She is the single most important person in my life, ” words like love are small, my feelings for her are not.” but still i will give it a try….I love you Sara
faet55
Talk about makinga guy feel bad huh?
Between the discussion I had with her after the little reply spree, and the post you just made, I will recant all my previous statements. As I said, they were based solely on the information provided. She was quite vicious in her defense of you and your intentions. My overall opinon there was that no matter what her fears were there was to be nothing that counle even remotely be construed as trash talk about her (nickname will not be mentioned due to her request) . I was quite soundly, if rather sarcastic and bitingly put in my place in our discussion.
So, ok, I can say im wrong when I apparently am. Im wrong. If you feel a quarter of what you just professed, and she feels a 16th of her professions, you guys may have a true love, a real love, and a withstanding love. I envy you both that.
(And i admit i was thinking of hitting on the gel, so I envy you that too. ;))
Kindly dont be as pissed as she thinks you will be at her airing dirty laundry in public. I know my opinion means squat (As i have just so summarily proven) but sometimes things just have to be said that can’t be said one to one.
MB
I more understand now the inability to reply to such posts….. stir emotions that seem too inadequate to follow such beautiful words. Words have the ability to wound and bleed, but these words have the ability to mend wounds that I had long since thought would scar for life….
i love you.
How on earth did you people get this far off the subject of this ppor girls rant?!? lol
Faet and btw, do you live together or something, or like engaged? Should be if ur not, lol. God, I almost cried when I read this stuff, I mean, I actually went to ur profiles to read the stuff megabite was referring to (Could not see it all though i think, must have been more than 10). If this is real, not just some joke internet thing, you two belong together man, even if it didnt last, love like that should be savored and relished. U guys likely have that soul stirring look me in the eye cum at the same time kinda sex too huh?
Anyway, I digress. I’m happy for you both, even if the lovey part is not so much fitting the darksites type theam, lol. Good Luck-
My parents are ulta-conservative and controlling, and my mother has caused me severe psychological damage (I have her voice in my head. It’s not fun.) I am turning 16 soon and like you have begun planning my escape when I’m 18. I know the feelings you have, you are not alone. I’ve been going on faith that it will get better, I can’t give you any advice because I have none for myself. Just know that there is life beyond adolescence….