an obsession

An obsession. It began just like every other one I have ever known. But he has that girl linked to his elbow. She would never break free, not even to brush the stray hairs off her face. I know what is going through her mind every step they take together. She believes they will always be together, always be close. How she can believe such a ridiculous thought is beyond me. If only they could see it. See that not everything is going to be fine. But no, that is just me being selfish, me wanting what I can never have. Funny how you can think so many different things at once.

I want to be her, at least in her position. How I would love to be loved and as beautiful as she. Her skin as pale as flour, her hair the blackest night, just have her eyes blackened with eyeliner the way I could never perfect, but she had it just the right way.

So, I pursue. That was the wrong approach. Well, I wouldn’t call it me actually trying anything. It sort of fell into my lap. I didn’t plan anything. I never plan it. I was bored of being at home with my crazy parents, so I decided to stay a place where I could just ignore everyone around my and silently laugh about the stupid things my friend would talk about. (You know the type of things I mean, pictures in graveyards, Cradle of Filth, the weekly visit to the Club on goth/industrial night [I will admit to going there twice, it’s fun to laugh at the stupid looking people…]) Anyway that was my escape. I sat in front of her new computer downloading the Nine Inch Nails video for Into the Void a favorite of mine. And suddenly I find myself talking to a rather intelligent boy. He seemed nice, funny, rather peculiar but I have not been known to meet what some would call ‘normal’ people. I tend to attract psychopaths that have not been discovered missing yet. Anyway, I was having a fine time speaking to this intelligible boy. But, as all good times end, so did this one.

The very next day, I was thinking of the conversation, trying to hard to picture his face to go with his words, but I couldn’t see through the hair that fell in front of his face. I figured I would add his screen name to my buddy list and talk to him again. Well, as soon as I added it, he was online. I got kind of nervous, I didn’t want to seem all weird and stalker like, so I decided to get offline before I made a fool of myself. I signed off. I got online later, several hours later, hoping I wouldn’t see his name, but knowing I would feel disappointment if it wasn’t there. Well, it was. Loud and clear N*********.

So I applied. I IMed him in hope that
he would remember our conversation the night before. And indeed he did. We spoke for a short time. We talked about music (Manson in particular) clothes, my ex-boyfriends, his current girlfriend that he said he was having some problems with, driving, simple things. The only
personal stuff was the whole girlfriend, boyfriend thing. But it wasn’t a large part of the conversation. Suddenly, he had to go, the girlfriend was calling. I figured as much. But then , I had to go. I decided to leave him a message on his Instant Messenger saying that it was great
talking to him and I was sorry we couldn’t continue our conversation and that if he was bored later on, to go ahead and give me a call, and I left my number. No harm meant at all. Just a friendly ‘note’ I suppose you could call it.

He didn’t call that night. I figured, no big deal. After school, I got home and checked my email (a daily routine that I still follow and have for a while) and there was an email from him saying that he was sorry he didn’t call, but that he is sort of a shy kind of guy. He also said that he would be home from work around 9:30 and that if I wanted to talk to him to be online. So around 9:00,when I usually get online, I signed on. I was reading emails, looking at clubs, websites, the web address he had sent me for his Manson site. Anything to keep me busy. About 9:45, that name appeared on my buddy list. I was excited to talk to someone other than the idiots that surround me every day, including the psychotic ex that was still calling me at that time getting angry that I was seeing other people after 3 months while he was on his 2nd girlfriend since I came to my senses and dumped him. Anyway, he IMed me apologizing for not calling. I said it was ok, and we began to talk again. He said he would have to go around 10 because the girlfriend was going to call again, and I said I probably wouldn’t still be online, so if he wanted, he could call me. He said that he probably wouldn’t because (once again) he was a really shy guy. But I said if you want to, go ahead. He went on the answer the phone, while I signed off to go back to usual night routine. I was in bed, nearly asleep, and the phone rang. I answered with the predicable “hello?” I nearly threw the phone in anger when I heard the voice ask if I was there. It sounded exactly like my ex. But I quickly calmed when he said it was him. We talked for about forty five minutes.

I was excited, I had met a person that was very much like me, with a girlfriend with similar interests. Unfortunately, I had heard horror stories that she was the biggest bitch anyone had ever met. But I thought maybe once I could meet her, or talk to her about things. Seeing her website that was linked to his, I noticed she liked many of the same music and movies and random things that I did. I figured it would be a start…

But as things turn out, like they always seem to, it did not turn in my favor. Slowly him and I became closer, talking online, the phone occasionally. Then the day had come when he came to my house. He told his family and girlfriend that he was ‘getting extra hours at work’ but in fact, he was coming to my house to listen to my ‘oh-so-famous-‘ Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids Live and Unreleased Studio Demos. I was so proud of that cd. It was signed by Gidget Gein and meant a lot to me. I had a growing Manson collection, and loved it dearly. We talked, listen to music, and my sister got us cokes. We started getting in a conversation about religion and the idiots in our society when he realized he had to go home. I was disappointed because I love to talk about things like that. I find it fascinating to hear
other people’s thoughts and views. But, he was gone. I talked to him online briefly that night, and he then called me after he had talked to his girlfriend. I was slowly getting myself stuck in-between two people, in a situation I am still trying to forget.

But some people don’t give up that easily and still snoop around in other people’s lives. But, that is just the way some people work.

A hard break up to first timers, typical to someone like me. The one who can’t get away from idiots and boys that obsess over everything even though they did everything wrong you could possibly think of. But my obsession grew bigger, more intense as the situation grew worse. I was talking to her now. Finding out what he didn’t want either of us to know. He actually thought he could get away with going out with both of us at the same time. I had nearly had it. I barely knew him and was getting a very bad impression of him. We talked. I felt bad getting closer to the one she lost and loved so dearly. But as usual, my emotions overcame my reason. She was nice, maybe it was fake, and act even, just so I would feel so bad for her and leave him to her once again. But if that was the case, sorry it did not work. I got him. He came to me not long after he had truly ended it with her. It was nice. I had someone to care about again, someone I could maybe fall in love with. But I thought, deep down in me, that it would not last very long. I was wrong. It’s been nearly 10 months and counting.

But he is not my obsession. It was the life he had lived before. All of the stories he will not tell me. How his last girlfriend was, what they did, anything.