Angels

How many times have you curled in a corner in the dark, crying out for your angel ? An angel that never came.

There’s a point to this piece. Tonight … I’m taking a hard look back at my life. Digging up emotions long buried and pains long forgotten. It’s painful, yes, but good for my soul.
To look at yourself first you have to look at those around you. Everywhere I see people. Crying, hurting and screaming out for someone to save them. Sometimes they cry out to their God, sometimes to a Guardian Angel. Anyone or anything that can lift them from what they’re feeling and inject some life into dead hearts and darkened souls.
I’ve felt that.
I’ve always been the one with the smiles. I’m always there to try and make people feel like they can go on. I always tell people to see the beauty in life and the beauty in people. Did any of you ever question why? No … I didn’t think so.
For so very long I’ve given all my strength to being that Guardian Angel. To helping people who feel this way to finally find their hope. I’ve given everything I had, just to make a difference to as many lives as I could and then I realized … I’ve always been the one needing help.
I fight to help others because I know their situation so painfully well. I look in their eyes and see a story. A story that’s so familiar to me that I see it whenever I close my eyes.
I’ve never told anyone … but I can still hear the words spoken by those around me and still feel the blows of the evil that haunted me. I can still feel the sting of tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat from tears I couldn’t quite cry. I still feel the shaking of my limbs as every shuddering cry tore at my body and my mind. I still feel the emptiness of believing I was alone.
I fought for so long to find my strength and then realized that no Angel was coming to save me. I finally gave up on the dream but that didn’t put an end to my hope. The hope we carry inside us is like the glowing embers of fire. Sometimes it burns low and is suffocated by cynicism and hurt. Sometimes it burns high and is fed by gentleness and love. Sometimes it’s barely visible but it’s always there, undying and ever-burning. All you have to do is tend to it and it will burn bright, so you can warm yourself by it’s crimson flames.
With the death of a hollow fantasy came the birth of true understanding. I realized I had to be the one to save myself.
I spent too long building defenses around myself so strong that no-one could penetrate them, before I realized the danger came from within. I was eating away at my own soul and all I had to do was reach out to make it right. That was all. Just reach out and make someone understand I was hurting.
Do you know what? It took me so long to find the courage to do that. Every second was more painful than the last and every moment made the gap more frightening to cross. But I did it.
I broke through my own defenses and reached out my hand to those around me. Perhaps if I could understand their pain then finally I would find the courage and trust to let them into my heart. If I could get a glimpse into their souls and witness their insecurities and fears then maybe one day they’d find a way to do the same with me.
It’s a long road and I’m only halfway there. Every moment’s openness is a step forward and every moment’s fear is a step back.

The universal truth I’ve come to understand is that I WILL be hurt, and I know that when people hurt me I can’t let it wear me down.
Everyday is a fight. A fight against confusion, self-pity, loneliness, tears and misery. A fight to keep my head above the tide-line. It’s still frightening but it’s getting easier. And I refuse to give up … either on myself or anyone else.

I still feel the pain of my past, but this pain has given me a gift. The gift to help other people find the way out that I’ve found.

If you ever need an angel … Ask and I’ll be here.