hey,my name is tom.
i havent planned this in any way so im just gonna keep typing and watch it take form.
i dont know how many of you are familiar with ascension.
its something that is involved with several paths of paganism and most probably has deeper roots im not aware of.
for roughly 4 years now ive been very down,everyday is worse for me,its partly my fucked mind,partly misanthropy and nihilism,self hate and the usual crap and being surrounded by the unbearable suffering of others day in day out.
my own pain is ten fold from taking away other peoples,dont get me wrong i like to make people happy but its so overwhelming and im so able to emphasize now i feel all their pain.
but over the course of the 4 years ive begun to see things differently,i see things a different way to other people a lot of the time and see things they cant,its very difficult to describe,but i know im not the only one.
as paganism would have it ascension is pre-empted by the night of darkness(not necessarily just night-time and not necessarily one of them)this would explain my 4 years and counting.
my body is covered in scars,cutting is something that came from nowhere for me,i knew noone who cut at the time it began,id never heard of anyone doing it before,i just started.
it was almost a release,not good enough but i still kept going.
i dont sleep and i am completely alone,for all i give i get nothing,i think sometimes i deserve everything because ive been so evil.
friends of mine come and go,they backstab and betray me,im an easy target.
weak and vulnerable.
i think that noone understand the way i see the world now,with such contempt and loathing for the majority,the ignorance.
although now i appreciate beauty in places i never looked before,places the other people dont see,understanding on so many more levels.
i can look into peoples souls but never intentionally,i wish someone could understand me,i wish i had someone to confide in and talk to who would genuinely understand me.
i dont know if that someone exists,a soulmate.
i suppose i am completely weak inside,even if im occasionally under the illusion of strength.
maybe in comparison to a lot of people i have strength but not in my own wisdom.
my intolerable suffering has changed me in some ways for the better and some ways for the worse,and now i see that suffering is a purpose in life in order to acheive something out of nothing(nothing being life itself,which i can tell you is ultimately purposeless)ok i think i just contradicted myself.
i hate myself every moment of every day,i hate myself right now for writing these words,like it or not i feel everyone who reads them laughing out loud at me and my idiocy.i wish i wasnt like this,and i wish i was someone else,sometimes i think im the ignorant one and wisdom was in burying my head in the sand like everyone else.
but ive kept the path i chose and i know now there is only death,whatever comes after death i dont know,i suspect total nothingness.an end.
if i believed in god i would despise him,if this planet was gone nothing would be affected,everything on the planet is totally meaningless as it is therefore it could only have been created for gods amusement,out of boredom probably.
but i dont believe in god and i despise all organised religion.
someone once said “religion is viewed by the wise as false,
the common as true
and by the powerful as usefull.
the blind faith of the masses disgusts me.
i shouldnt feel like this im too young,i should be happy and exuberant,thats what the media tells you and me,im not so sure though.
i think ive had enough of this world and its pain,its bored too many lines into my face,lines formed from and unhappy face.
lines and tracks over my body from the hatefull cuts i make.
sometimes to focus my eyes is an effort against the knowledge that its completely futile anyway.
ive been beyond pain and beyond depression,and ive been alone for 4 years.
ive tryed to take my own life,ive stained various surfaces with my worthless fucking blood,ive helped many people and all for what?
more hatefull glares,more pain and no love.
more hate for everything that i see in the world,a yearning for darkness.
im ready to leave.
im so desperate to leave this terrible place and selfishly end my pain.
im ready to end my life by my own hand and accept what death has to offer.
i want to die.