Autumn Depression
October air outside of my filtered vision,
rows of gray stones line the hills,
no matter how far I walk,
I can not leave this prison,
trapped in a cage that was never built.
In the distance I see people;
laughing, smiling, crying…
How I long to join them, to once again be of their kind,
but still I walk
between rows of gray stones,
behind me is a crow, I can feel it watching me,
but I will not acknowledge it.
Snow begins to fall.
A tear hardens, before it falls,
the people are gone.
I near the top of the hill,
a single flower reaches out of the snow,
I look down at it,
before breaking it back down.
I continue walking.
Icy wind carries the leaves off of the trees,
I remember,
I could feel the trees growing, a long time ago,
they have stopped.
Memories? Almost.
I continue.
A feather, a black feather falls into my palm,
I stop, I stare, I close my hand and look up,
the sky was gray and cold, like me.
The snow and wind were unforgiving, I was unforgiven.
Almost, feeling,
The stones laid all around me,
why am I here? Nothing has changed.
I was always here,
I just refused to see it, in the past,
Where did those people go?
I miss watching them, almost.
I drop the feather.
Finally.
The top of the hill, finally,
finally there.
I close my eyes, I open them…I fall,
blood drips between my fingers,
more stones, a thousand more hills.
I do not stand.
Behind me,
I turn, I see the crow,
behind me,
foot steps, mine?
The crow flies away, alone again.
I lie in the snow, cold? Feeling?
Almost.
Silence.
Spreading through my bones, into my heart,
silence. Beating, slowing, whispers? Words?
Gray stones all around me,
names, thousands of names,
am I among them?
A women’s face, warm, memories, I remember, love?
A pain in my side, hate? Pain?…emotion?
The crow sits on my shoulder.
I open my hand; the feather falls
on a gray stone. My name.
A women’s face.
Stones. Clouds. Snow. Crows…
A Tear, moist, her face,
I loved her.
A knife in my hand?
Where did I get this?
Blood.
Red snow.
My name, her face–Gone.
Blood, her blood? My blood?
Me…
Her, love? Gone.
Blood, Tears, silence.
Autumn.