So here I am, in this dark closet pondering my life again. All the things in this past year that will haunt me for the next 10 of my life. All the missed opportunities, all the misteps.
Trying so hard to remember one fcking thing . . .just one thing that I did this year that even matters. . .I am at a loss. Perhaps it is new years. . .the opportunity to change things in a completely new year. Too bad its just another day to me. Today will pass by like all the rest and blur into nothing like all the days before. Can remember exactly a year ago from today. Was with all my friends, throwing a massive 3 day party and actually enjoying myself. . . . .how many of those peeps do I still talk to?. . .none of them. How many jobs have I had in ths past year and what do I have to show for it?. . .nothing. How many relationships have blown up in my face cause i tried too hard. . .hah. . .I dont even want to think about it. I had finally gotten out and now have my own apartment in New Orleans. . .though I will not have it after a couple weeks. My family tells me i have a great job and a nice apartment. . .why am I never content. Well. . .a 15/hr job isnt sht if you are only making 7 hours a week and my apartment. .well. . .I’ll not even start on that.
All I’m trying to say is that . . .perhaps even a question, what is there in life to strive for? How does the human race survive knowing that nothing that they will ever do will count in the long run. That no matter who you are you will fade from memory and become forgotten by all one day. Perhaps a quote from Assemblage 23. . .(there’s no real reason for me to post it. . .im just listening to the song and felt like typing it 😉
“I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so i dont bear
my soul to the cold harsh world out there
try to prevail yet only fail
each time on a grander and grander scale”
Well, its not so good on paper, but when I listen to the song it usually hits me pretty hard.
I wonder if they know?
Wonder if they know how small they are in the sceme of things. I bet they never realized that they are merely puppets on a chessboard, dancing like jesters around a flame. That it has all been played out before, and will be again.
Well, as the pessemist I am, I will expect negative comments. Though respond to my thoughts how you will.
Actually I dont remember writing most of that. . .I had quite a few drinks that night. Somewhere around. . .3/4 of a fifth.
Though now that I go back and read it . . .it makes a little sense. Exept the fact that I dont think I was wining or complaining. The fact is. . .I kind of enjoy this fucked up life. . .The worse it gets the more content I am. My emotions are somewhat backwards anyway. . .fallen in love with my own hatred. . .with depression taking the place of happiness. . .though I feel these emotions as a “normal” person would the opposites. . .when I hate, it is the same feeling when you love. . .when I am depressed, it is the same feeling as when someone else is happy.
Therefore, I am not complaining. . .I am more or less spitting out my achievements of this past year.
Although, thx anyway for the advice. The “big picture” does make things worse. . .but thats why I look at it that way.
Personally I don’t feel so unimportant. I used to … now I don’t. Guess I had an epiphany or something. Or maybe I just grew up.
I gotta say though, if the big picture makes you feel small STOP LOOKING AT THE BIG PICTURE. Don’t think about all the people who’ve gone before you, and don’t imagine the people who will go after. As you pointed out, life’s short enough as it is without pondering the universe and all the ramifications of your own mortality.
I mean jesus, everybody is in the exact same boat. Everybody feels insignificant sometimes (even the really arrogant fucks like me).
But the thing is, this particular big picture is made up of little pieces. If all the little bits arent there …. badaboom, no big pic.
Okay, so it’s a lame extended metaphor but you get the idea.
So you had a bad year …. so what? So did about half the population, possibly more. So I guess you’re human after all. Shock horror.
If you reach out and touch some people, and you do shit that makes you proud (or at least try), and you do your best to make some kind of impact then you’re doing fine. I mean, how much more can you expect of yourself?
Never set these big expectations on your life. You’ll never achieve anything more than everybody else, so why set yourself up for disappointment?
The human race survives because what are the other options? Mass suicide? Nah, no point. Even if we’re not given much ….. we should at least work with what we’ve got. That’s just common sense.
My theory? Only worry about the things you can control. Don’t whine about stuff that you can’t.
Much love ::B::
lol don’t over estimate yourself by cutting yourself out from the norm
Hello CheshireGriffinx,
Your post boarders on the philosophical/metaphiscal with feeling insignificant in the scheme of things… that’s just reality, we can be everything and nothing when it comes down to it, whether we’re full of drink or not. Funny the two states might seem opposite, but they can bring out the same ideas.
I think most people have had a hard year this past year…myself included knowing the posts I’ve left on this site. The thing is though to live through it, live by your own integrity as you go through. The only person you can shape is yourself, everthing outside will go along on its merry way or change as you change from the inside rather than letting the outside shape you.
Well if you found out that you have less than a year to live . . . .what would you think? It’s not exactly easy to be a positive person when you know somehting like that. . . . . .
Fuck that.
I got cancer. Well, AML (adult acute myeloid leukemia) which is a strain of leukemia. I could be dead in two months, four months, a year. But I try not to be self-involved and I’m positive, I’m happy, I manage to enjoy life.
I’m just saying it can be done.
It’s not easy put in those terms, but still it’s what we do with that time left that counts…can we use what’s left to the best of our ability? Time is always short, most people live like they believe that they are immortal beings, forget how mortal and fragile they are and that death is ever present.
Do we ever stop to think of this in the daily chaos of our lives?? Most won’t and don’t want to face this. Few live their moments to the full, come what may, and it is a damned hard lesson to learn in life, it can be soooo easy to fall back into something softer and more comforting and pretend we’re indestructable.
Most want to coast, some will battle with life, few will live life to the full.
I agree with Voltarrens, it’s easy to take time for granted when you think you have enough to spare.
The end bit, “live life to the full” is my thing. I’m living life so when I die I won’t regret any of it.
Only it’s hard to make people understand how important that is. I figure that guy was right when he said “The human race, remarkable for its ability to learn from the mistakes of others, is equally remarkable for its disinclination to do so.”
You can’t teach anybody that time counts, until they see the clock start to run out.
Well then . . . .what advice would you say to change things then? I’ll give you a quick overview. I live alone in new orleans LA. . .all my family lives over a hundred miles away. What friends I have left here in this state haven’t been seen in almost a year. My financial part of life is fuked. Just struggling to keep this apartment, and if possible, a little more than a meal a day. Though this is not an important fact, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and mild schitzophrenia. Which my constand drinking doesn’t help much.
There. . .now that you have the information. . .what would you say would be an idea to change things. . .besides the obvious.
Solace, go to those of us who understand…you are not alone as long as there is one to listen…replace some of the drink with good food, eventually replace the drink entirely, change will build on change but only with effort and consiousness. Since you know, turn the tide toward the consious change.
I just wish it was as simple as that. . .I do love a good meal . . .but I have little appetite and can barely afford one meal a day as it is.
At least until the economy picks up and I can get another job.
Oh there was something else too…i have no idea if this will help at all, but i had read this thing written by a samurai. Now apparently most samurai during his time lived only to serve a master. This one, well he was really down and out and felt he was little his whole life with what little he had just to serve another. So everyday when he walked from his little straw dwelling to his masters place to line up with the other samurai he made a point to notices some flowers on the side of the road. So he began to take a small amount of water everyday to water these flowers on his way to “work” so to speak. He even began to pull the weeds surrounding them. Basically he created something small but important that he knew needed his attention and everyday he could say he was needed for and liked to stand back and say he helped with. He took himself away from the big picture on purpose and dove into something small and focused on it……now i understand when your stuck in traffic its very diffucult to compare yourself to a smaurai walking down a peaceful road with flowers, but i dont know, maybe in some way we can all find something like that and it will help…..
maybe consider a move too…..i understand you may feel like your in a total catch 22, damned if you do damned if you dont…..i know for a fact apartments are cheaper here in Georgia than LA, and we seem to be holding fairly well on the job market here too…..i dont know….but consider it, and you have the internet to explore it at least….(we may not be able to see each other, but even in the darkness we can hear the voices of others……)
Nice parable…sometimes the little things in life that we do can help us focus…
Okay you wanna know what I’d do in your situation?
Stop drinking, seriously find someone who is with you alot and tell them not to let you drink. Print out what you wrote on this site, and if you start slipping back into your old self then read what you wrote, and realize how fucked up you were. You might scare yourself out of making the same mistake.
You said you had family. You’re luckier than alot of us.
Go mooch off them for a while (just a while), save the money on rent, maybe get some free food for a while.
Then, use the money you aren’t spending on rent and look around for a place in a less expensive area. You’re really in a bad place property wise.
Find yourself another of those so easily expendable jobs, and this time stick at it for as long as you can because even if you’re not into it then you can at least lay claims to some stamina.
After that …. well it’s your life isn’t it?
The thing is, you gotta get the motivation to make the first push. Without that you’re sunk.
A year ago I was in a similar place.. I called up my ex-fiancé one night and asked her where the fuck she was.. For I knew that she was with another man.. She laughed at me.. Later her new boyfrind came to find me, while one of my friends locked me in his home to keep me away from there, and trashed my apartment.. I had no job.. I had dumped most of my friends for my fiancé and I was alone.. Anyway at last, after a couple of weeks time I pulled myself together! I stopped smoking weed constantly and went into an unemployment program..
About four weeks after I had broken up with my fiancé, around a week after I pulled myself together I found an even more beautifull girl, whom I love with all of my heart.. I am still with her, and things are looking up..
Anyway.. Where you are now, you’ve got two choises: Either let completely go af it all.. Sink as deep as you can, ’cause once you have hid the bottom, and hit it hard. You will either stand up and brush the dirt of your clothes or you will stay lying.. dying. Or you can pull yourself together now! Take some of the others’ advises and stop drinking.. An idea might be, to arrange a “camping trip” with somebody.. I know it sounds stupid, but once you are 50 km(or Miles) from civilization without any form of alcohol nearby.. and freezing your b*tt off, you will suddenly realise that you don’t f*cking need it!! -or at least thats what I think.. I might be wrong.. I don’t know if any of this helps, but I felt, I had to try..
Well, I imagine i should say at least one thing. . .thx, because at least there are ppl out there willing to help. . .or at the least, give some advice. I complain every so often about this life, like on this post. Though for quite a few months now, all I have strived to do is survive. At least until next year, then I can finally give up. One more year. I dont expect to be happy or content no matter how much I complain about it. Seeing I only complain about it when I’m under the influence anyway. I’ll work, sleep, eat. . ..and wait until the first few months of 2004. If I gave you the reason, I would be quickly labeled as a skitz and the idea would be thrown off. So. . .I’ll not even try to explain it. The point is, I have a reason to survive. . .for the exact same reason, to survive. I appreciate your words, they have given me the idea that there are at least a handful of ppl left in this world that would still stop to give advice to a stranger. You have gained my respect.
thankyou kindly, but not even trying to explain, incase it’s shrugged off? cowardly, not like you at all
The world is at its darkest moments, soon it will collapse inward upon itself annihilating everything created thus far. I’ll give you that simple hint of my perspective. Use your imagination on it. . .(I’m not even going to try to explain. . .lol)