Burnt Pt III

Damn, I thought. Only in the unexpected turn of events could something so strange and yet so terrorifying slap you across with a hand that is almost as big as the average human face. Nothing is more scary than seeing your only friend barking like a dog in front a beautiful woman at a Pizza Palace restaurant.

Yes, you guessed right. It was Devo. It was always him. The dipshit, the stupid fuck, the asswhole with no respect for the other person behind or in front of him. Cutting through the line seems to be okay to him. I know this sounds kind of silly but if I were to cut in front of a super powered athletic gorilla with a short fuse I would not only receive the unwelcome party gift but a very quick back break that would send me to the ER without delay. Luckly, this man did not care for some reason. Devo didn’t realize how this could have been a mess but he really doesn’t realize anything anyway.
Yesterday was definitely trouble for the both of us. He had this idea that if he could somehow sneak out a bottle of Red Rum out of the Bell’s grocery store we would be set for the night. A five finger discount sounded okay but he had to have known that the store had a shit load of security cameras. Not to mention the manager was a crazy ass maniac. He could pull it off if he was smart but he wasn’t. That worried me. I had to do this small favor for him. Help him out. Hell, why not? I had nothing else better to do and plus I wanted to see the outcome of this event.
“Johnny,” he said. “I want you to be on guard.”
“Why?”
“Because I need you to look out just in case I get trapped by another Biffy.”
“Another Biffy?” I said. “You mean another woman who has the potential of opening a can of whoop ass on you?”
“Uh…yeah.” he said.
I looked at him and wanted to tell him I had a very bad feeling about this. For the most part I did not want to spend another night in jail for someting so stupid as a bottle of Red rum.
“Okay,” I said. “But if you get your ass kicked again I gone.”
Devo just shook his head and got out of his car. He gave me the keys which was a very big mistake on his part. If something did happen I would have no problem letting him try to run through the alleys to escape the clutches of the dreaded doughnut cops. He wouldn’t make it without me. Devo tried to hide chicken tenders in his pockets while running through people’s front yards. He even tried hiding behind a dumpster and that turned out to be unsuccessful.
“Here we go.” he said trying to sound like Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit.
Next thing I know it, Devo calmly walked into the store and started to whistle. I checked my watch and began to time this. 1… 2… 3… 4…
“Alright you motherfuckers listen up!”
Ah fuck. It was the Jack off Jimmy. Why the hell was Devo screaming at the top of his lungs?
“Get on the fucking floor! Now!”
This was to steal a bottle of great liquid not a bank robbery. Dumb ass. Now the worst he could do-
“My friend Johnny is gonna bail me outta here!” he said.
“You got that? If any of you move I’m gonna stab your faces in with my… my… my dick!”
Yep. This was going to be the fun part. How to explain to the authorities that my friend was insane. Oh yeah. I was about to drive off but then I saw the manager. His name was Blok and he looked more than pissed. I was definitely not going to wait for Devo but as life throws more shit in your face here he was opening the door and getting in with a bottle of Red rum in his hands.
“Go! Go! Go! Go!” he yelled.
Hell yeah I was going. Put the car quickly in reverse and slam the fucking pedal to the floor. We peeled out at first and then we were hauling ass. There was no time to stop. We had to keep going.
“Shit man!” Devo said. “Did you see that?”
He started to laugh but then I brought fear into him.
I increased speed and began to drive wrecklessly. I didn’t care about the other vehicles. They would have to deal with the rush of two twisted young men trying to eveade… the police. Now this was going to be very interesting.
“We’re fucked.” I said.
“No we’re not go faster!”
I’ve learned in times like these you need to put on your signal light to let them know you are going to find a spot to pull over. I kept it on while still speeding up. When I was young my parents had always told me to pull over as soon a the lights began to flash. This is wrong. Let the bastards chase you. We were succeeding but there was another problem. Just as we were about to get into the outskirts of town there was a heavy thud on the back trunk. Devo turned around to see what was going on.
“Oh shit!” he screamed. “It’s the store manager!”
“What?” I said in disbelief.
And shit you not there he was hanging on.
“I’m going to tear your lungs out, throw them on the road, and then stomp on them you criminal shit heads!” he yelled.
Now I was scaried.