Causing Pain

No matter what, it always seems like i’m the cause of someone else’s pain. If i have a problem, everyone else gets stuck with my shit.

all i do is cause pain. it wont go away. i’m constantly having mood swings that confuse everyone. i hate the way i am. i do not wish to die. i merely wish to relieve this world of my pain. or my problems and my demons. why is it that i’m here? am i that horrible of a person that i am a burden on everyone that i come into contact with? i have so many questions. and no one has the answers. all there are are lies. false promises. it makes no sense. and i am always over thinking everything. everything is stress. and it bothers me so much. to the point where i dont want to be in a room by me, let alone inside my own head. voices and demons and hatefilled whispers. all terrible terrible things. and i can’t share it with anyone any more. there is no trust. no loyalty at all. no one understands me. they probably could if they wanted to. but they dont. they yell and they tell me to shut up. all i seem to do is inflict pain. no one wants to deal with me. i resort to self mutialtion and very disturbing drawings and writings to let out tension. striving for the wrong kind of attention as to somehow fool myself into believing that people care about me and love me. to somehow numb the pain. but it wont go away. in the midst of it all, it surfaces in scars and tears. when i see my scars i just automatically hate myself more. i know that others will eventually find out about it. and those that actually care will be hurt by it. and it will cause them pain. i know that no one is stress or hurt free. and that everyone at some point in time causes pain. but i dont want that. i saw my friend’s scars last night. and i felt so much pain. the pain i felt, it was that there was something so wrong with someone that they would even consider doing that. and that i couldn’t remember what made me so sick. and i hated what i had become becuz it served no purpose but more pain. and i felt bad for her becuz i know that something happened to trigger it. that it was something spontaneous. becuz no one should ever have to go thru something that would make them hate themselves enough to hurt themselves. and i know that it had happened to me without even noticing it. i hated that i had become so weak. i hated that i craved the pain. i hated that physical pain was the only thing that would allow me to see that i was still alive. i dont even know how i died. happyness should make you feel alive. not pain. life shouldn’t be pain but that’s all i’m filled with. my mom always says that hugs, kisses, and love are free. and that if you want it bad enough, a hug can fix everything. i really need one of those then. i need someone to cry to. i need someone to care. i’m so sick of feeling like this. i’m so tired of being sick. and no one is here to help me get better. becuz i’ve drove them all away. by being me. by causing pain that they shouldnt feel.