chapter – April 8, 2003

1108pm
I want to tear it all down, rip it all apart. Sitting here in my dark cell full of despair and hatred, and lonliness. Ive tried and I still am trying to break this depression, this mental sickness i have. Ive made myself get counseling and have been in 2 differnt institutions. Ive tried talking to people. I still hang on to hope…. Ive even tried medicating myself. Nothing I do ever makes this pain and emptiness go away, this deep gravity well that sucks everything in. The people who are supposed to be my friends shove me back in my box and most of the time make it worse. With each passing day i care less and less.

Everything has become a big repeated motion with brief interludes. Theres no one there…..God…or who ever, knows ive tried…and then the emptiness takes over devouring what happiness ive gained in its abscence like a sacrificial lamb. The hate….. gets worse now when im around anyone, the feelings of lonliness multiplied. Why do I have to feel like this? I never asked to be fucked up. This darkness is my home now. I cant go back to them on the outside. These walls are all thats left that keep me together. If only I could learn my lesson and shut the fuck up and submit, then id be fine.
At least I have the doorway of sleep to take me to a place of dreams. There…. at least I can dream of being happy…dream of feeling something other than all of this shit…..dream of some kind of acceptance…

By AvatarZero

Look at me and see nothing..... look long enough and see the death and decay and utter bitterness left by .... =Avatarzero=

22 comments

  1. Hey, at least you sleep and dream. The last time I had a dream, (well, actually slept) my boyfriend came to my house and said that he had to kill me and my family because he loves me. I looked at him and told him that I would do it so he doesn’t get in trouble. SO I lined up my mom, sister, stepdad, and stepbrither and had them on their knees with their hands behind their backs. I grabbed the gun anf made them kiss the tip of the gun and open their mouths. After I got done pulling the trigger on my mom Shaggy (boyfriend) said “what about yourself” I told him he doesn’t need to worry about it. I kissed the gun, look at Shaggy and said “I love you too” and pulled the trigger. The wierd thing is that I felt his pain after I pulled the trigger. I say myself fall and hit the ground. I know that sense of darkness and lonliness and evilness that you feel. I have that feeling constantly. I always thought that nobody else felt like they are being eatin by nothingness. Wierd huh?

    Kaleo

  2. Hey, we can’t be complete freaks… theres three of us.
    Mental illness is such an evil thing, people may think youre attention seeking, you don’t know what’s wrong with you, why youre like this, and why did you have to get this fucking illness… I’d have been happier with asthma.
    But we don’t have a choice, and people tell us to snap out of it, like its that easy.
    People are stupid. While we fall into the black pit of despair, they think we’re exaggerating. Most of them. And why is it so hard to ask for help? people tell me to, but when I’m in that state, sick – I guess its called, I cant ask for help, and often I dont want help.
    I have really fucked up dreams too… one where my father made my brother shoot my mother (who died years before the dream), then my father shot me, I was thinking it would be painless at least… but it fucking hurt. And they say you can’t feel pain in your dreams…
    I’ve used almost every type of narrative… my old english teacher would kill me.

  3. i have felt the cold grasp of a life lived in a lonely monotonous repetition. i’m not colorblind yet the world lacks the vibrance it had when i was younger. like a cataract, life has entombed me in… this feeling. not unlike sadness, yet not the same. like lethargy. a combination of boredom and loneliness and loathing all wraped together. in a room full of people i will talk to none. even when i wish to. my heart races though stricken by fear and i say nothing. when spoken to i often present myself as an inept moron. happiness is a moment… for me feeling happy is like an uncontrollable adrenaline rush that renders me completely out of controll… only to plumett into an abyss of euphoria. i despise everyones favorite saying.. “get over it”… i’d like to see them try…

  4. Someone I met once showed me her new tatoo. It was three hearts running up her wrist. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but a while later I ended up talking to her whilst she was drunk, and she explained it to me. The hearts were from a postcard in which two simply drawn animals were holding hands, and the caption was, ‘I like you and I want to buy you an ice-cream’. This meant so much to her and has come to mean something to me. So simple…. so happy…

    I like you and I want to buy you an ice cream xxx

  5. There’s not just one of you, this feeling could happen to anyone, I’m a rich, waited-on little pervert of nothing but 14. I have the exact same “condition” (as my peers call it) as you do, my friend. To others you may seem bent on feeling that you cannot comprehend, do not listen to them. I have but two friends here that even partially understand the way we are. Take it from me, you are not alone.

    Strength, friend,
    ***the asshole in the corner***

  6. Hell is right here on earth-you dont have to search too long to find it.
    i did
    and now im stuck here. In a sea of depression, confusion and hate. No one understands
    There is no freedom for the lonely, its consumed by demons.
    Hold on. Heaven will cum for us one day. The Higher Powers will not forget.
    Cheers, and heres to an early death!

  7. This is late yes I know. But u should never give up and never give in if it is rerally acceptance that u really want then u obviously have it with us, and submit to what to them to society y bother to lose yourself in order to help yourself.

  8. Triumhant sounds of the panzer divison crushing the jewish scum!

  9. hey their right at least u can sleep and sleep is the cure to all pains so is some one to love if u belive in that emotion the only reason im reasponding to this is because you …. i… well i feel i can connect with you.

  10. Seems that grey is an on going color… Only over run by the blackness we feel when at deaths door. If it takes us our entire lives to come up with a good love story to replace our so called “problems” then whats the sense of wasting all that time worried about it? We don’t always need a solid reason to be insane… Besides I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you you frikken Nut !!!

  11. its weird how people relate to each other, i dont know why, i need to crawl out of my hole and get back to life instead of crying all of my fucking time away becuz o let shit get to me like the voices and my mother and the people who put me down but i want to shut up now cuz i dont like spilling myself out like this but i think i need to start talking to someone cuz i hold everything in. ive been to 6 different sanitariums, have seen so many therapists and none of the medication helps it mskes shit worse. i have low self eteem. i need a friend. i have to many issues at his young age i dont understand why my life has to be so fucked up wat the hell did i do wrong?

  12. wow, slaughter, im surrounded by mindless nazis wherever i go…isnt that wonderful.

  13. Hands up from another sufferer, this is exactly how it is.

    Music can get you out of it, temporarily. I’d be dead by now if it wasn’t for music. There’s always a little door that opens somewhere. It just doesn’t stay open for long enough.

  14. You want an experience that will help clear your mind? Actually slash your wrist. Then when the blood pours out like a waterfall and you get lightheaded from bloodloss you’ll finally realize what you really want. Just make sure you have some towels handy. I slashed my wrist nigh a year ago after a bout of depression and relationship problems. It’s a very unique experience, bloodloss is. I daresay that I am grateful that I tried to kill myself that night. All it takes is a brief second to realize that perhaps you don’t want to die. Happened to me, now I’m bitter at the world, but at least I’m still here to piss them off in return…

  15. i am a child of the darkness, depression dwelling underneath the joyful exterior that exists during the daytime hours. i know the cold grasp of your own fears and pains… for some time my closest friend was the razor that i held within my hand. now i still have that pain, that fear, that longing to be “normal” and live a life of joyous ignorance. But, I know that that is not possible… I have come to realize that I am meant for something far greater, for I have survived that immense pain that many crumble under. If you can endure that pain- if you can learn to live hand-in-hand with your own demons- then you will find the strength that can carry you through anything. find a way to use the deep depression to your advantage and you will find yourself delighting in it rather than shrinking away.

  16. holy shit i think i love u……( just kidding) k? that is one of the biggest revelations that i have ever heard and that is just xactly how i feel great job on putting it into words it is really hard for us umm verbaly challanged ppl

  17. Anyway, go to a medical doctor. Depression is also a symptom of several diseases. If you have all these friends and life is full of activity, you just feel out of it and down for no reason, probably really are sick. Try it. It worked for me.

    I remember being down all the time. Always feeling like sleeping in and skipping school. Couldn’t even really enjoy hanging out all night. Sitting out on the back porch smoking a cigarette. Thinking of how life is bitter and torn. Sometimes felt like I had a fever or the flue. It was just a slight illness, usually only detected through blood testing.

  18. if u have friends then all it does is distract you from thinking about the things that make u depressed in the first place

  19. friendship is a light in the world of darkness that we call home… friendships can pick us up and dust us off when the shadows close in and cause our minds to stumble in the inkiness of existence. truly they are the blessings that keep some of us marching onwards in this world of seemingly endless pain. if you keep moving onward, though, small joys can keep your body and mind strong enough to make it through…

  20. Yeah… if you have good friends. Not that I don’t have any friends or anything, but seemingly I’m the only one who can deal with people crying and doesn’t pat them on the back awkwardly *inner rant follows*

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