clumps of hair and blood

my agitation grows each day, that date is coming closer and closer. I am about to see my mom for the first time since i got off methadone.
i woke up this morning to more hair on my pillow.

my mother will be here this time tomorrow.
little scabs cover my face and neck. dried blood under my fingernails.
my fiance wishes to see me before she comes, i wish to get hit my a bus.
she stresses on all the wrong things, and i listen to her. i cannot help it.
while i am going to meetings, involved greatly in an artshow, my photography and watercolor is outstanding, my schoolwork has improved, and i like my job enough to never call in sick, she will find something….
even if it happened a year ago, or 10 years ago, she’ll find it. it will throw off my entire holiday.
In one of my classes today i found myself twisting a large ball of white hair between my thumb and fingers. it was as thick as my pinky.
my mother should have been a dentist. when i was young she could make me feel bad for anything, she still has that power over almost everybody i know. she could make you cry for having children, or planting trees.
she made a cop give her 10$ once when he pulled her over for going 85 in a 60mph zone.
she is evil.
and plays innocent so well too. such a victom. i guess.

once, when i was little, she found out that i had started to cut myself, i wore longsleves all the time. she called me a liar and a cheater, said that i had broken her heart, ruined her life, her husband started in, he sold cars for a living so he could convince a 13 year old of anything.

i wanted to die, but instead started to shoot more smack.

She blamed me when her husband started having an affair.

but she got away with everything.

and my skin is raw.